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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving an affair? Anyone fancy a support thread?

140 replies

Strangedays · 16/09/2011 14:23

Hi

I've read a lot of older threads like this but is anyone else wanting a current thread for people who've decided to work with the marriage?

I'm about 5 or 6 weeks in after 'revelation day' and I'd love some company from others in a similar boat and you fab people further down the line who've managed to make a go of things.

Some days are good, some ok and there are times when I think I'm going mental.

Anyone else?

I'll log back in after the school run.

OP posts:
lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 14:35

I'm 4 months on from "revelation day", we're not married but haven been together 7.5 years, and have 3 small dc's. I feel similar to you, although I have less days that are bad now - more just hours here and there! I saw something the other day that I could relate to, it said - you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over analysing a situation. Trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've should've been, or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
That's how I'm choosing to look at it at the moment - it happened, I can see why it happened and can even see if the situation was the other way round I may have done the same thing, but we are now in a much better place (actually it could be one of the best things to happen to us - we were in a pretty shit place before hand and it was only going to get worse as neither of us were making any effort) so I need to get it, and her out of my head - it's taken up too much of my life anyway!
If this thread stays positive it could be good for us, I love to see all the positive stories on here but there are so many not so positive ones.

katkin73 · 16/09/2011 14:50

Count me in! I'm 10 weeks on from 'revelation day' and we are working through it, still feeling pretty raw, good days and bad and feel the need to question everything

fartmeistergeneral · 16/09/2011 14:53

8 years on. Still think about it often but if I'm being really honest - it probably saved our marriage. Confused

Aislingorla · 16/09/2011 14:56

2 years and 3 months since discovery. It's been a 'roller coaster' (for want of a better word/s !)But we have survived and are stronger and absolutely determined never to let our relationship suffer again!

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2011 15:21

4 months since D Day and we're doing great although I still have the odd day when I get angry/sad. I still remember the early days when everything was so raw and can't believe that we both have come so far in a short space of time.

lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 16:01

It's good to hear so many stories of people being stronger, we definitely are, but I didn't know if it was possible to be - obviously things are still raw but so much has improved in our relationship - although I didn't have the affair so many of our problems were caused by me and if I'm completely honest I dodn't think I would have seen that any other way. I agree Aislingorla, we are both determined not to let our relationship suffer and both really make the effort to make sure the other is happy! We are even off on a weekend away, just the two of us soon - I can't wait!!!!

everyonebutme · 16/09/2011 16:11

Count me in. 6-7 months since confirmation. Having a really bad time at the moment. :(

Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 16:14

It's so good to hear that it can be a positive thing. I do think that inthe future I will be able to see that it could well have saved our marriage because we talk more now than we have done since the kids came along.

Lisaneedarest - good point about needing to get it and her out of your head. I feel like that too but I don't know how to do it. Any ideas?

The therapist suggested trying not to block out unwanted thoughts, just to accept them in, have a calm look at them and let them go again. I was v sceptical but it does seem to help. I'd be pleased to know any other tried and tested tricks.

On good days, I feel alive again - like the start of a relationship. The sex is fabulous and we are clicking as a couple.
On bad days, the pain and sense of betrayal are almost unbearable.

I did well today though. A work friend returned the book she borrowed from me. I'd started reading it at the exact time DH first shagged the OW so I was dreading seeing it again but I was ok. Result!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 16:16

Really sorry to hear that Everyonebutme. Have you had some good times since confirmation?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/09/2011 16:18

10 weeks in and tbh I feel no further forward. I am questioning everything, I am angry, sad, you name it. I am getting counselling to help as I really do feel that i have got stuck somewhere. :(

countingto10 · 16/09/2011 16:30

10 weeks is no time Bogeyface - I think I was still in trauma at that stage. It has been a long recovery for me but, 2.5 yrs down the line most of the pain has gone. Trying to work on my own self esteem helped (after having 4dcs etc), getting a life for myself and having a DH who truly recognised how much he had damaged me and the DCs (he actually left the family home for OW).

The best way to deal with the pain is to go through it IYSWIM, don't try and block it, feel it and then it becomes less. Another thing to do is to put a time limit on it eg I am only going to allow myself 5 mins to think about it and then go and do something to be kind to yourself.

If you ladies haven't tried it, the Beyondaffairs website is very good (although a bit american) - seemed to have an answer to every question I had (if you search the articles).

lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 16:30

Not really any tips, although if I find myself thinking about her too much I just try to think - "she's occupied too much of my head space, let's think about something nice" then I try to plan a nice evening for us or think of something we have to look forward to. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of times when I over analyse things and start to ask questions in my head and make stuff up about past conversations usually when I get into bed. I am really trying to adopt the attitude that it happened and we just need to forget about it (I'm not sure I'll ever completely forgive tbh). Plus I think it nearly ruined my life, my childrens lives etc but we are getting over it, I can be bitter and twisted or just get on with being happy and that is what I am attempting. Sometimes I think I need to be grateful to her for saving our relationship - although I can't really feel like that. I think in this kind of situation time is a great healer and I know for me each day that comes along it gets easier - apart from the odd set backs.

lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 16:38

One thing I did do, which sounds a bit corny but helped, a few weeks agao I was torturing myself with things I wished I said about her, us and him, so I wrote it all down intending to give him the letter while I disappeared off for a bath, but I found once I'd written it down and re-read it a hundred times, I didn't really need to give it to him, the thoughts were out of my head and I realised it would be of no benefit him reading it, so I shredded it. I wrote a fair few positive things in there too - about how much I loved him etc - I know part of our problems are my lack of intimacy and showing how I feel (he has always moaned about me not really showing I loved him and I know he was completely shocked at my reaction after it all came out, I think he thought I would be hurt but actually not be that bothered that our relationship was over (he was planning to leave me for her), that was what made him realise it was me he wanted. Anyway I'm rambling!
Bogeyface, it's hard that early on, but remember if you both want it and both make the effort there is no reason you can't get through it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2011 16:40

Yes, time is a great healer and as well as the beyondaffairs website I also found reading Not Just Friends very helpful.

I have forgiven some aspects of the affair and can understand how it developed from a friendship into something much more but there are other things that I find hard to come to terms with and I hope that time will help. My H is aware of how I am feeling about everything and he is working very hard to help me recover.

The affair has been a huge wake up call for our marriage and in many ways we are stronger than before, but I never ever want to go through it again Sad

Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 16:48

Bogeyface
Have you tried the book 'Not Just Friends'? We've found it really helpful.

Lisaneedsarest
I'm not feeling bitter and twisted at the moment, just lots of pain and sadness and a little anger though not as much as I'd have thought IYSWIM.

I am a bit obsessed though. We've been together since 1986. He shagged OW while out of the country working and apart from the rare times he's away with work, we were together. It seems really odd that he has a part of his life that I wasn't part of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 16:49

Cross posted MadAbout!

OP posts:
lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 17:02

I can emphasise with the pain and sadness, that's probably the main emotions I still feel, and like you sometimes anger.
I also hate to think that there is a part of his life I was not involved in - although we haven't been together for as long as you, I also feel bit envious - he has experienced excitement, passion and all the other things that go with an affair/new relationship and I haven't, I sometimes feel as though I have lost out and he has won, do you know what I mean? He had a great fun affair, while I was at home unhappy, and now still has his family and life is much better (although I do know he has to live with the guilt).

Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 17:08

I know EXACTLY what you mean, especially as I made it possible for him to go away to a serviced apartment in a lovely foreign country and have the life of a single man on expenses while I was home doing my job, looking after 3 kids (2 teenagers) and running the home.

Actually, I feel stupid about that now but I wanted him to have something adventurous in life after going in to the same office day in day out to provide for us.

Well he certainly had fun!!

I sure do feel he's 'won'. But then we all have in a way.

OP posts:
lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 17:23

I suppose we have all won, I haven't looked at it that way before, I would never have changed without this kick up the backside - and neither would he. And so we wouldn't be in our happy relationship. Something happened at the very early days of the affair which nearly stopped it in its tracks at first I wished it had, but I'm glad it didn't now as I'm sure we would have split anyway.

How are you doing with the trust thing now? How about anybody else who is further down the line?

doinmybest · 16/09/2011 17:33

Im in ! I'm4 weeks after Revelation Day.
I posted on here last week because I couldnt understand how wierd I felt about how well things were going. We're spending moretime together with and without the kids and we cant keep our hands off eachother! He keeps telling me how happy he is its all over / out in the open. He has told me she turned into a bit of a psycho in the end and he couldn't get out. At first I thought he was after sympathy but it turns out hes been close to a breakdown! Echoing what a lot of people have said, we were just 'coasting' and although I wouldnt recommend it (!) It might be the kick up the arse we needed ;) i dont want to sound like Ive accepted it and thats it sorted - far from it but if you've asked me 12 months ago how I would have reacted it would've included packed suitcases and hysterics!

doinmybest · 16/09/2011 17:38

LISANEEDSAREST - I wrote him an email. How I felt, how hurt I was, what a shit he was but it could work and I loved him. He cried for about 2 days and I felt shit. I wish like you Id just written it and deleted it. No piont rubbing salt in the wounds or going over and over it constantly!

Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 17:48

I'm already ok with the trust thing up to a point. My sensible head knows nothing more is going on even though she's in the uk now and sitting near him in his office.

The first night he was out after work and she was there was tricky though and I'm not looking forward to the overtime they'll both be doing this weekend.

God - as I write that, I think I sound like a complete fool to be trusting him but there are always plenty of other people around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangedays · 16/09/2011 17:49

Off now - DH has booked a restaurant for just the 2 of us. This is something we hadn't done for years BA (Before Affair)

OP posts:
lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 17:51

Doinmybest - I think if I'd done an email I'd have sent it without thinking too.
And yes I understand completely how you feel - when it all came out I said I can't believe you are not fighting for us to stay together - he said he didn't think I'd want him back as have always said if he cheated it would be over. And I know what you mean about can't keep your hands off each other - we had sex again in the middle of the night 4 days after it had all come out, it was as if we couldn't keep our hands off each other - I suppose it's a bit like shock and realising what you really want.

lisaneedsarest · 16/09/2011 17:57

You are doing well strangedays, I'm not sure I could cope with that - but you know your DH and I'm sure you could tell if he was lying. Luckily the OW has now left his work, it has eased my mind as although I know nothing was going on I hated them even sharing the same space. I'm trying really hard to trust, and my DP knows that and is working really hard on regaining my trust - letting me know where he is at all times, being home when he says he will, not actually going out much at all etc. I did a fair bit of snooping and jumping to wrong conclusions in the first few weeks after it all came out and he was completely understanding about that too and has done lots to show he is dedicated to me and our family so I'm sure the trust will come.