Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving an affair? Anyone fancy a support thread?

140 replies

Strangedays · 16/09/2011 14:23

Hi

I've read a lot of older threads like this but is anyone else wanting a current thread for people who've decided to work with the marriage?

I'm about 5 or 6 weeks in after 'revelation day' and I'd love some company from others in a similar boat and you fab people further down the line who've managed to make a go of things.

Some days are good, some ok and there are times when I think I'm going mental.

Anyone else?

I'll log back in after the school run.

OP posts:
doinmybest · 17/09/2011 18:42

Back- Hot choc is right. You need to basically spell it out to him that he could still lose it all.
The bit about what's love is a difficult one. I asked H if he loved OW and he said he didnt really know what he felt. He said it was different from what we have but hes not sure what it was. personally as the details came out I think it was more the attention and flattery he loved!
Your H needs to know you're not out of the woods yet.

Original poster
Strangedays · 17/09/2011 18:42

Back. I'm sorry to say, but I think Madabout is right. It does seem that he isn't fully committed to working things out. I know I keep banging on about the book 'Not Just Friends' but I'd really urge you to get hold of a copy. There is a section on Ambivalence that I think it would be useful for you to read - and maybe get your husband to read too. Painful - but worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangedays · 17/09/2011 18:46

I think that's right. He meets a woman who thinks he's chocolate (because she doesn't know any better yet - gosh, did I say that out loud!). He gets loads of 1:1 attention, flattery, excitement, newness, sex and admiration without any of the responsibilities and hard work of family life. When I say it like that, I wonder why I'm not having an affair myself. Joking - mostly.

OP posts:
mollynp · 18/09/2011 07:18

We're 4 months on from discovery too and are up and down, though we're more up than down now! We both love each other and want to get through this, though it is hard. I still find that his affair is defining my life still so i'm no way near moving on, though with the help of st. John's wort, individual and couple therapy, i am a lot better! i never imagined DH would ever have an affair, so when i did find out i was totally devastated and had i suppose what you would call a nervous breakdown, i have never felt so awful in my entire life. I still find it difficult to understand how he could have done this to me, though at the time i doubt he really thought how badly his actions would affect me. I think he thought that he would end it, i would never find out and noone would get hurt. It's still early days and i know we can get through this, our relationship is better in a lot of ways than before, though his affair will always be there.

ireallyagreewithyou · 18/09/2011 07:34

I just want to say you are all BRILLIANT. And I'd rub your feet for you all if I could ;).
Just lots of respect for you and your efforts to save and in some cases improve, your marriages.

lifesohard · 18/09/2011 09:04

I just want to agree- that you are all brilliant- but ask one question, how do you do it? I have been in this situation although husband actually left. He now wants to come back (usual story), says he loves me etc, and I just wish I could forgive him and give us another chance, but I don't even know how to begin to?? Does that make sense? We haven't so much as had a hug for months, I was and am completely devastated, I loved him so much and just didn't and still do not understand how he could do this to me and how our relationship could ever be good again. I found out 7 months ago but still feel as bad now as that day. It isn't getting any easier, it is all I think about. I admire those of you who are working things out and having success, I just wish I could be this strong. How do you stop thinking about how much he has hurt you, and put that behind you? I do believe ny husband is genuine, is not with the OW and wants to be with me, and I wish I could give our relationship another chance I just don't see how he can ever make me happy again.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/09/2011 09:14

molly - I know what you mean, I find it hard (and so does H) to believe H made these choices, H says it was as if something has took over him. I will never understand 100% how he could have done it but somehow we have to move on from it.

lifesohard - I would really recommend reading Not Just Good Friends by SHirley Glass to help you process your thoughts and decide if you want to give H another chance.

Aislingorla · 18/09/2011 10:12

And Andrew Marshall's 'How can I trust again?'

doinmybest · 18/09/2011 14:26

lifesohard - I dont think I will ever forgive him as such but I think its more about moving on. We had a bad hour about 4 this morn wierd I know,dont ask! and he's said he needs to see someone and talk it through because its totally eating him up with guilt. In some ways I think I'm coping better than he is. I dont know if things would've been different if he had left tho. Hope you sort it out either way x

Backontheshelf · 18/09/2011 21:53

Hi ladies thanks for your wise words. Mumsnetters are correct as usual. I found out today he is still seeing the OW and they are still sleeping together. That's enough disrespect for me and I have told him we are over. He is telling the children now. Guess I need to move over to the life after divorce thread now. Its a shock and it hurts, but I'll make it and probably better than he will. Hugs to you all and hope things work out better for you.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2011 22:00

Oh Back I am sorry :(

But atleast you know that you gave it your best shot and it was him that pissed on your marriage from a great height.

And dont forget that the OW will never be able to sleep at night as she will be safe in the knowledge that he is a liar and a cheat. A man who can cheat with her can cheat on her and she will always have that in the back of her mind. You on the other hand will sleep better than you have in months now you know for sure that you are not paranoid and you have gotten rid of a lying piece of shit.

I would say that you got the best end of this deal.

Take care, sending hugs your way xx

Original poster
Strangedays · 18/09/2011 22:50

Sorry to hear your sad news. You can at least look at yourself in the mirror and know that you tried to keep your marriage vows, though that probably isn't much comfort at the moment.

I hope you find the strength to get through this. I really feel for you and your children.

OP posts:
fedupbeingafool · 18/09/2011 23:22

It's 6 days since the revelation here. Finding things very hard. Right now I want revenge and don't know how to get it all out of my head. My heart is broken :(

doinmybest · 19/09/2011 07:14

back - If he couldnt be honest with you now then how do you start to put the pieces back together :( you did all you could. sending you love, strength and support

fedup - 6 days is so fresh. Im not surprised you want revenge its all so much to take in. My H broke my heart too and I could think of nothing else for days other that how he could do that to US and why! Dont beat yourself up about not thinking straight its so soon and too raw for you to think straight. Coming on here helped me so much! Whatever you're thinking or however you're feeling someone on here has been there, done it and come out the other side :)
One thing I will say tho is dont make any decisions until you feel ready to because a lot of posts taught me we can do some rash things when we are so hurt. A woman scorned and all that ;)
keep in touch x

Bogeyface · 19/09/2011 09:33

fedup I agree with doinmybest that it is very easy to make mistakes in that first rush of post-discovery-mania, so if you can try and wait until you feel calmer and more in control then that would be better, easier said than done though I know. I sent the OW a message using H's secret phone and I really wish I hadnt, I should have thought that through more. I am not saying I wouldnt have contacted her but I should have given it more thought and not gone barrelling in there with guns blazing, I should have tried to keep my dignity a bit and waited a while.

6 days in I was alternating between crying my eyes out and ranting like some demented harpie. But eventually, when all of the emotions are out, you do start to feel a bit calmer, each day you get a little bit stronger.
Thinking of you x

lisaneedsarest · 19/09/2011 11:08

I agree, at 6 days it's very hard, do you know what you want to do yet? What about your DH? By this time we had both decided that we wanted to give us another go, and knew in our hearts we wanted each other - not that I'm saying you should know this by now.
I think once we had made that decision then it was much easier to try to move on, however I was still crying quite a bit and my dp would often come home from work to find me in tears.
I also agree that you probably shouldn't do anything rash, you can't take back actions once you have done them and you really don't want to add regret to your long list of bad emotions at the moment.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/09/2011 11:38

Back - so sorry Sad remember that this is all about your H's issues and how he has chosen to deal with these, and unlike him, you did all you could to save the marriage.

fedup - I know so well the feeling of being broken hearted Sad. You won't be able to think clearly for a while, your priority is to get support from RL (friends/family) and to make sure that the DCs are ok. You also need to be kind to yourself and not expect much of yourself.

katkin73 · 19/09/2011 12:49

When do you start trusting again, if ever? I am 10 weeks on from D Day, feeling less numb, but my self confidence is shot and I can't help wondering if hes still up to it, will I always have these doubts :(

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/09/2011 13:55

katkin - are you doing things that you like doing (for me it was things like meeting close friends for coffee and cake, having a haircut, bubble baths, dog walks in the country)?

As for doubts, is there transparency - do you have codes/passwords for his email, phone etc? I also think the fact that you now know all the signs of an affair means that its much harder for him to get away with doing it again.
I found that working on the vulnerabilities in our relationship (see Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass about affair proofing) helped e.g making time for us as a couple, not being too child centred, changing the way we socialise etc.
I will never have the same blind trust in H but the above plus the fact that he fought so hard to win me back, I am not too worried about him doing it again - if he does then that will be the end of everything and he knows that.

fedupbeingafool · 19/09/2011 15:14

Thanks girls, i'll try to keep my cool until my head clears a bit. The thing is, I don't actually know if they slept together. He's denying it but after finding sexually explicit photos on his phone between him and her I just don't know. What makes it worse is that she was a friend of mine :(
My decision at the moment is that I am leaving. I don't think we can work through this as i'm just so humiliated. I'm already looking for a new home for myself and dc.

Original poster
Strangedays · 19/09/2011 16:13

Fedup.
Please don't do anything rash. By that, I mean try not to do anything that can't be undone IYSWIM. Maybe a night or two on your own will help you get your head a bit straighter. Moving out is a huge step.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 19/09/2011 16:56

Fedup, the general consensus is not to make any decisions for at least 3 months. ATM you are in a state of shock and your emotions will swing from one extreme to another. You do probably need some space from him atm and you can also tell him that you are not making any decisions one way or the other for a few weeks but he has to understand that it may well be that you will decide that the marriage can't continue.

He has to do all the work now - it is all in the actions. I also think you need to make it clear to him that in order to make the correct decision you need to know everything. One of the first things I needed to know was how many people that we knew had seen them together (so I know that feeling of humiliation Sad) and also whether they had had unprotected sex (took a while for H to fess up to that one (even more Sad).

Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/09/2011 17:23

And insist on a visit to the local GUM clinic!

mollynp · 20/09/2011 08:37

Madabouthotchoc, what did your dh do to fight for you?

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/09/2011 08:58

Molly - my H (still can't bring myself to say DH!) had some individual counselling (the discovery of the affair brought up a few personal issues that he needed to address) and later came with me to couple counselling. He also did some reading as well.
He went to the local GUM clinic to get tested.
He also cut him off from OW and the social scene she frequented (she was a mutual friend, changed the way he interacted with women by putting boundaries in place etc.
He gave me access to all his passwords/codes for his mobile, laptop, email etc. He does not complain if I check his phone/internet history etc.
He also spent hours with me talking, answering questions and discussing vulnerabilities (for more info on this, you need to read Not Just Friends by SHirley Glass).
He is very supportive when I have a bad day, will listen to me ranting and has been making a huge effort to prioritise us, building in more time for us as a couple.