Surviving an affair? Anyone fancy a support thread?

[Strangedays]

Hi

I've read a lot of older threads like this but is anyone else wanting a current thread for people who've decided to work with the marriage?

I'm about 5 or 6 weeks in after 'revelation day' and I'd love some company from others in a similar boat and you fab people further down the line who've managed to make a go of things.

Some days are good, some ok and there are times when I think I'm going mental.

Anyone else?

I'll log back in after the school run.

Do you think he is telling you what you want to hear ? What "action" is he taking because talk is very cheap ?

MadAboutHotChoc - thankyou. honestly. :)
countingtot10- no, i believe he is sincere. Yes, talk is cheap, however actions do and are speaking loud and clear. Im happy. As much as a cheated wife can be! He is back to the old "h", the one I had before the aliens landed and whisked him away putting a horrible nasty copy in his place. I dunno where he went, but he is back, and im thankful.

I think a healthy dose of sceptism is the order of the day - my DH took a good 6/8 months to really "get it", he was also an extremely proficient liar and manipulator and our counsellor even acknowledged that he was such a good liar that she couldn't work out if he was pulling the wool over her eyes (as I pointed out to him, that was nothing to be proud of ). Your H has a previous track record too so I would not be prepared to accept anything less that some individual counselling first followed by joint counselling as a bare minimum of my requirements to start repairing the marriage.

Good luck.

countingto10 - whilst i hear what you are saying 1000000%, im sadly in a position whereby the counselling thing - from his side of things at any rate - is NEVER going to happen. It simply wont be done. I am married into the traveller community, and trust me, the mere hint of a man attending counselling would cause a great deal of embarressment to my H, as well as to our extended family, not that i should mind him being embarrassed, but i do appreciate that cultures have very different ideas on what is accepted and what is not, counselling is one idea that most certainly is not. . I came in with my eyes open, but doesnt stop me hurting. I just have got to be strong i guess, and believe (note i didnt say trust) that he means what he says. Anything less would keep me in this unhappy place, and im tired of being here. I want to be in my happy world again, and I can put myself there, whether or not i stay there will, quite rightly, remain to be seen. :(

Thanks for good luck wishes.

HappyEnough, if it's any help, I originally booked counselling for myself (DH had left me for OW) and a solicitor thought I needed someone to talk to to process my feelings as I was in such a state, they recommended Relate. When DH found out he was and a bit "put out". I told him it was nothing to do with him, it was for me and me alone. In the end, he asked if he could come along with me.

You can still have counselling on your own - you don't need your DH to attend, you never know his curiousity might get the better of him.....

Do any of your H's still work with the OW? DH is looking for another job now after i found out about them 5 months ago, but even though their affair has ended, while they still work together, i don't see how we can properly recover. it could take up to a year for him to find another job and i'm not sure i can cope for that long. I have thought of sending a message to the OW to suggest she gets another job as it would be far easier for her, but i'm too nervous to! I just want her to fuck off!

Molly, my DH and his ex ow work for the same company but in different the depts (she actually relocated from France even when they had NC so convinced was she they were desined for each other ! Her Tarot reader told her ! ! !) Two and a half years on she is still here. My H completly ignores and avoids her and she has given up trying to befriend colleagues of his and trying to join conversastions he is having at meetings or socials (only tries this when I'm not present)
It is his problem, really, he hates seeing her,constant reminder of what a fool he was.
I have never spoken to her and never will. I blame him for the affair, but have recovered our relationship. Whereas she is nothing to me.

Hello..Can I join you? I've posted on here a few times firstly about my suspisions that H was having an affair then after revelation day. We are 2 weeks on and I have decided that I don't want my marriage to end but I am struggling so much with the sadness of it all. I kicked him out when he admitted it was a physical affair (at first he tried to tell me it was just an emotional affair but I knew in my heart this wasn't true and I pestered and pestered and left him no option but to tell me truth). He has just (Saturday) come home but is sleeping on the sofa (no spare room) as I cannot bear the thought of him anywhere near me - is this normal?? We have cuddles but when he goes to kiss me I just freeze - knowing that he has kissed her - and I cant help wondering whether he prefers her :( and I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with him, I love him but..I don't know what i'm trying to say...is this a normal reaction or do you think subconsiously I don't want him back..I am wondering about this all the time. How do you get over this??
Also, do any of you have experience of it happening on your own doorstep, the OW lives at the end of our road and I have to pass her everyday and obviously so does H, I can't stop thinking that they are having sly waves, smiles as they pass each other. I have said that we have to move but that is not easy nor quick or practical really, plus I love where we live (or I used to). How do you/did you cope with this, I feel sick whenever I pass and my heart races, of course now I know who she is I am seeing her on an almost daily basis:(
We have started going to relate and I am reading Andrew Marshalls "How can I trust you again" and Shirely Glass. My H is being very open and is letting me vent but I just can't see my way through this.

Hi I'm in. 39 days since discovery. 27 years of a marriage to a man I trusted totally. I knew he loved me and would never look at another woman. He did. A facebook affair with a beautiful blonde motor bike stunt rider with carefully managed soft focus photos. Not one photo of her Husband though............... I am still in shock, and though last week I just wanted to be close to him and felt like I loved him, this week I could happily never see him again and the RAGE I feel for her is unbearable. She knew who I was, who my children were and she still accepted his flattery and attention and all the private messages telling her how beautiful she was and that they were 'meant to be together'. They never met though he had tried to arrange to meet her before I found out!
He has spent the last few weeks devastated and determined to be a 'rebuilder' check out How to Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair. It's a kickass guide for the betrayer to become the healer and rebuilder.

I am a naturally happy person who is grateful for my wonderful life, I love my job I love my kids, family and friends. I understand that due to his depression he went looking for an ego boost. He drinks when he's down, it's a pattern that's gone on forever. He has avoided intimacy and sex for years. I've managed my feelings towards that part of our relationship that's been lacking by being grateful for his total love and committment and the knowledge that he would never do this to me.

I am stuck in gutted devastated - angry - crying- furious- gutted and then brief moments of 'oh my god I'm free' then back I go again. I spoke to a counsellor this morning as its a very bad week. I was advised that the shock part of this process can take 6 months, then you hit a low, do not make any decisions until at least a year after discovery. I've seen " Two years from the last lie' in several websites and forums.

I am so confused. He is treating and facing up to his depression. We are in Relate second session next week. But I just don't know if I want to invest any more time in to him. I beleive (almost) that he won't do this again, BUT! If I take him back he wins.............

He's staying with friends quite close but giving me space. He is very very lonely and has been really making an effort. But he can't deal with this anger this week.

I'm driving myself nuts researching her on the internet to find a way to tell her what she's done, terribly self destructive.

Ooh sorry very long post! Thanks all for being here. Nice to know you are not the only crazy betrayed wife out there. :(

I am updating this in the hope it helps someone else out there. While I was typing the above message. My husand killed himself. I had not appreciated the level of despair and the severity of his depression. And in my angry stage stopped working WITH him. Myself and my children have a long and dark road ahead. Good luck to you all. If you love him, tell him.

Flokati, I have just read your update. Very sobering. Thank you for wise words of advice at such a time.
My thoughts really go out to you and your children, please be kind to yourself.
Although 'my story' isn't known , I am another betrayed wife who found out in June - have been lurking in relationships since.
It is hard but we are still together ' a work in progress'.
The loss of your husband has just made me realise totally the full extent of the damage that can happen as a result of a crisis/ affair.
I am again so sorry to hear of your loss and that of your children. I hope that you have good RL support to help and take care of you all.

What sad and tragic update

Please do not blame yourself for his issues and how he chose to deal with these. Wishing you much strength x

I am really sorry to hear that too.

How awful for you, and for your children.

As you say, your husbands depression must have been very severe for this to have happened, and I also do not think that it is your fault.

I am also wishing you well, and hope that you manage to gather a great deal of support around you at such a difficult time. x

Flotaki
I am very sorry for all the losses you have suffered and for the loss your DCs will have to endure.
Depression is a truly dradful thing and you and your family are suffering horribly. My heart goes out to you.

Flotaki, I am so sorry to read this update.

My thoughts go out to you and your family.

x