Surviving an affair? Anyone fancy a support thread?

[Strangedays]

Hi

I've read a lot of older threads like this but is anyone else wanting a current thread for people who've decided to work with the marriage?

I'm about 5 or 6 weeks in after 'revelation day' and I'd love some company from others in a similar boat and you fab people further down the line who've managed to make a go of things.

Some days are good, some ok and there are times when I think I'm going mental.

Anyone else?

I'll log back in after the school run.

Oh and have fun on your night out - I'm off now too, I need to get the little ones into bed and tidy up otherwise my evening will be ruined!!!!

The trust thing is not a problem which surprises me but then I know the affair is over and H detests the OW.

H knows that I now know all the signs so should he ever consider having another affair, it won't be long before I find out and would be the end of everything he has worked hard for....family life, kids, marriage and also everyone in our families will know etc. There is no way his sister, Mum or MIL will forgive him and he knows just how close he came to damaging his DC's lives.

Strangedays - thanks for your comment. We had that initial period when you reconnect and it's better than ever (I can't remember what it's called) but now I'm asking him to look at how we can recover from it which means some frank conversations and he seems to avoid the issue, say that our marriage was in a bad way before the affair (which it was) and talk about his depression and issues from his childhood rather than discussing ways in which we can move forward and recover. So I end up wondering if he really wants to (even though he says he does). Haven't taken my ADs for a couple of days so maybe that's why I'm more down than usual (although I would think they'd stay in my system for a bit?) but at the moment feel the way I felt at the beginning (great way of losing weight though !

strangedays you dont sound like a fool at all. If we were all totally paranoid we'd get nowhere. The trust has got to start sometime.
Lovin BA btw, will be using that ;)
I suppose it's a bit like shock and realising what you really want. -LISANEEDSAREST -apparantly its called 'hysterical bonding' and can happen after any trauma, common after bereavement too which makes sense. Have been told it can stop suddenly and cause a bit of a low but as long as we're prepared, tbh it cant last for ever ;)

Be aware that your H may try and rewrite history - blaming the affair on your behaviour (remember that he chose to shag OW instead of resolving things with you), rather than take joint responsibility for the weaknesses in your marriage prior to the affair.

What I found was that like many affairs, when OW first reappeared onto the scene (she was an old friend that we had lost tough with), H began to withdraw from me and during the affair, his grumpiness got worse which in turn made me moody, serving to fuel his beliefs that I was driving him away. He now realises that it was his behaviour that triggered my nagging and moods.

H and I did not have sex until he had been tested and cleared for STDs but since then we have not stopped - I am aware that this hysterical bonding phase could suddenly end though.

HotChoc - He will not admit it but I think you are right. And your second paragraph sounds about right too!

Back from meal and more than a bit tipsy!

I love the phrase hysterical bonding for its laughing/womb images! Yes I think we went through it, had a little lull and now have great sex but not every 5mins.

Everyonebutme - maybe your DH isn't ready to recover yet. Maybe he needs to discuss the marriage/depression/childhood issues because they contributed to what he did and if he doesn't get them sorted, he may worry that they will contribute to bad behaviour again in future. In a way, if he wants to get to grips with the cause of his behaviour, might that be better than a 'forget it and move on' attitude?

I have a question for those further down the line, though. (Bit drunk so have the courage to ask). We had a really great evening. Lots of chat, connection and laughing. So when will I not feel a kick in my solar plexus and a fast heartbeat when he makes a jokey, offhand comment like 'Get your coat - you've pulled' as we are leaving the restaurant? I know damned well it's not a phrase he'd be likely to use with OW so why does it hurt and when will that kind of thing stop?

Glad you had a nice time Strangedays. Thanks for your thoughts. You may well be right. I just seem to be saying the wrong things and we're not communicating very well.

why does it hurt and when will that kind of thing stop?

I dunno SD, let me know when you figure it out....:(

Its little things that get me, like there was a song on TOTP2 the other week that H and I used to sing along to but it about cheating. It was....oh bugger cant think....."Somebody elses Guy"?! Cant remember who sang it but when it came on he started humming along, obviously not in a cruel way but in a way that he knew the song and was singing along. I took the remote and turned over and he asked why because he thought I liked that song and I said that I used to.........(and gave him a "look"). He clammed up and looked very ashamed, but it didnt help the kick in the guts that I had had.

I hope that someone will come along and tell us that it does stop.

I'm 6 months on from discovering. Only in the past week or so have things seemed "normal". I have been hurt beyond words and now I'm on Anti-depressants. Strangedays I know what mean about those types of comments. My H has always made jokey comments like that but now I don't find them remotely funny. I just think that he was probably saying comments like that to OW in all the sexual texts he was sending her. :( It really hurts and I'm still suffering insomnia and anxiety because of it all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Toomany - don't really have trouble with comments as my H doesn't really say things like that but there are other things. I am the same as you with the hurt though and am also on ADs and suffering anxiety and insomnia. (although the insomnia has been helped a little with the ADs). Only good thing about it was I lost a load of weight.

I have the same things with comments. H is now much more careful and sensitive after I lost my temper when he made yet another jokey remark about big boobs (OW is very busty unlike me).

toomany & everyone - sorry to hear you both are on ADs and still suffering from anxiety and insomnia what do you Hs say about this? hope they feel guilty for putting you though so much!

Just over a year down the line (I found out there was definatley OW 12th Sept last year (having suspected through most of August) but he didnt admit everything (only half the story seems to be the norm for them!) till October when he tried to end it with OW and she knocked on my door to tell me the truth (I was out but he arranged his parents to have the dd's next morning and sat down and told me everything and OW still appeared that night as she wanted to talk to me!)

Can't spend too long on here this morning as I need to pick my Dad up in a minute but have had some highs and some really bad lows over the last year, he has given up drinking and sees a specialist once a fortnight to help him with this (was one of the reasons why I agreed to give it another go) he spends proper quality time with the dd's now (dd1 just turned 7 and dd2 is 4) and we have at least one saturday night every 4-6 weeks that dd's stay at grandparents or my brothers and we have 'date' night. Have always said to him that although I have forgiven him I will never forget what he did to me and what my dd's saw and heard

Just skimming through as taking eldest to start Uni. today. I'll be back!

madabout He is very, very remorseful about what he has done. He knows he is lucky that I'm giving him a second chance. This past week he has done lots of crying as I think it's finally sunk in what he had to loose. He knows he has made the biggest mistake of his life and is mortified at the pain I have gone through.

On the up side - he currently making me breakfast in bed after I had a night out with friends. He would never have done this before the affair! :)

toomany - glad he knows how lucky he was to have been given a second chance, my H said that having to work so hard to win me back is making him appreciate me more.

Enjoy your breakfast!

Toomany - hope that breakfast was fab!

Aislingorla - Hope your day was ok. There are a lot of red-eyed women where I work this week as they have been doing the same thing. Hugs.

Have to chuckle about the losing weight thing! I had just lost 2 stones on a v drastic diet when DH went away. Then he shagged a OW who was a couple of stones fatter than I'd ever been! You couldn't make it up :) It's certainly helped me keep the weight off though. We could write it up as a diet book for a laugh - if only it was funny.

Also, at the therapist last week, he was complaining that I was always telling him what to do and gave the example of me not letting him do the washing 'Because we don't want any expensive mistakes'. Suitably chastened, I let him get on with it this week. My fine wool Monsoon skirt has now shrunk beyond use because he washed it on a cotton setting :o

Sometimes, my life seems like a Sit Com!!

Still, I have to laugh....

Can I join too? I'm 10 months from finding out and it has been rocky to say the least but we are still together (just!) I had a few months of a very remorseful and apologetic DH then a few months of resentment when DH was trying to shift blame onto me (I apparently neglected him when the DCs were really small). We are slowly working things out but DH has a lot of issues he does not deal with and I think we need counselling to progress. DH is very reluctant though.

When I first posted about this on Mumsnet most posters were telling me "get rid of him" and "chuck him out". I felt I was weak because I wanted to try and work things out as I love him and he's the father of my children - not to mention that financially we would really struggle if we lived apart!

I'm a bit busy today and DH is lurking and I'm too weary to have another "discussion" about the situation but I'll be back!

Hi all, everybody's feelings seem very similar, which is nice to hear - makes me feel normal. I used to see everything in black and white and think that if x happened then y would happen, now I realise life is not black and white and there are many grey areas - I think this has helped me get through it.

I too hate the thought of the conversations that they had, I think that hurts more than the sex, I hate the idea that they were good friends (although I always knew they were good friends) and I often get a "kick in the tummy" when I get a reminder of things. I suppose that should ease with time. I also keep thinking to myself "was she better than me at this?" "was she more interesting than me?" and things like that - it doesn't help that my confidence is pretty low at the moment anyway.

Strangedays - it's good that you can laugh about it, I think having a sense of humour does keep you sane sometimes!

We like to watch the soaps and after it all came out it seemed that everyone was having an affair -it led to many silent awkward moments while we were sitting on the sofa together. Eventually we just confronted it and had to laugh about it!

Also, does anyone feel a need to speak to the OW? I did confront her when I first found out - I didn't want to here anything from her, just wanted her to see me and my baby and show her what she had almost ruined. Now though I wish I'd spoken to her - I want to know why she did it, and what she thought would happen, I also want to know what he told her, and what he told her when he ended it.
My niggling doubt is that my DP only stayed with me because he couldn't bare to be parted from his kids (although he has told me he didn't and it's because he loves me etc etc, he has also said there is no way he would do that because he knows we would be unhappy, he's not willing to live an unhappy life and he know the kids would be better off with two happy separate parents than together and unhappy) but I still have doubts.

Also I hate her so much, I want her to say she loved him and he broke her heart - I want her to feel like I did. I'm sure no good can come from me messaging her, but I so want to do it!

When will the hatred subside?? It doesn't help that she stood holding my baby just weeks before they had sex, they were already planning it I imagine.

Supersaint - I found the same when I first came on. Most posts said dont beleive hes upset, its all show, hes telling you what you want to hear etc. I was so confused thought Am I just a mug!

Madabout posted a few times and seemed to be on the same wave length as me which helped (thanks x) and I realised these others were maybe sad or bitter because it hadnt worked out for them.
Then a bloke posted and said everything my H had been saying about not realising what he'd had and nearly lost etc and it was so good to hear it from a male point of view.
Out tonight for a meal just the 2 of us and I have had a word with myself and I am NOT going to think about it all night!
have a nice day girls

lisaneedsarest I phoned her. I asked her did he ever say he would leave and fair enough she told me he said he loved me and would never leave. (which is what he said he told her) When he ended it she was a wreck and e mailed him and phoned him 3 4 5 times a day. I thought I would feel some satisfaction from her feeling shit too but I didnt. Im glad I phoned her when I had the opportunity but Im not sure it served any purpose. I think what Im saying is only message her if you've got somthing specific you want to say or ask. Otherwise I dont think Id give her the satisfaction of knowing she still had such an affect on me

Thanks doinmybest, I have thought before to contact her, but yes I don't want her having the satisfaction, I don't think it would make me feel any better anyway!

I just need to stop thinking about really.

Interesting that most people think their relationships are better since the discovery. I am feeling worse as each day passes. To start with I felt quite strong and positive and was adamant we should stay together. H says that he has stopped seeing the OW. No way of knowing if that is true but I have to assume it is. However, he has never really seemed to care at all that his affair might mean losing me. I asked him if he loved me and he basically said there is no such thing as love only day to day living with occasional intense moments. Is he right? I just don't know any more, but I feel increasingly sad, bitter, desperate and weepy. I feel that I took a wrong turn with my life thirty years ago and have missed out on any chance of having a man who loves me for me. I cut my wedding ring off earlier this week. he hasn't noticed. We have three children who are still quite young and I feel desperately trapped. No doubt in my mind that if we had not had children I would have left by now.

Back - correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like your H isn't doing his best to fight for you and to win your love and that he may still be attached to OW. Does he know what you are thinking and feeling? He needs to know that he is in danger of losing you so do tell him.