Surviving an affair? Anyone fancy a support thread?

[Strangedays]

Hi

I've read a lot of older threads like this but is anyone else wanting a current thread for people who've decided to work with the marriage?

I'm about 5 or 6 weeks in after 'revelation day' and I'd love some company from others in a similar boat and you fab people further down the line who've managed to make a go of things.

Some days are good, some ok and there are times when I think I'm going mental.

Anyone else?

I'll log back in after the school run.

Strangedays - I can identify with what you have said, I along with close friends and his sister would say that my H is not the type, they were so shocked when they heard. It was as if he has become a completely different person and even now when I look back to what he said and did to me, I still can't quite believe it.

I still get the hump back bridge feeling - recently I was clearing out my camera card and found some family pics that were taken during the affair

Actually, I'm really not ok this evening. I hate what he's done. I hate feeling like this and I hate the thought that it might go on for months or even years.

Madabout - you are 4 months in. Does it get better with a little time?

Strangedays it really does get easier with time. I am just over 3 months in (but was feeling like I was going mad since February), and about 6 weeks ago I realised I hadn't cried once in a week! I still have bad days, and you will too.

But try to keep busy, plan things for the future for yourself and your DCs. Keep focussed on yourself and your future. Take time with friends and family, not just to talk about it but also to talk about normal things.

I planned a holiday, camping trip and enrolled in an OU course. Gives me focus on me and my DD, whatever the future may be for me, I know that I will be me and I AM STRONG. And you are strong too, and never forget that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Feeling like this is painful but sadly part of the process. I have been reading Not Just Friends, which is a great book. Made me feel so much less isolated. But I can only read it when I am feeling strong.

I was just telling my friend today that song lyrics, cheesy as some are, have helped me. Katy Perry's Firework has a line in it "after the hurricane comes a rainbow."

MadAboutHotChoc I see photos of when I took DD out alone when he said he was busy working/with friends but in reality off with ow. And it pisses me off too.

Strange - things do get easier, I am having less bad days and then I am usually ok after a few hours.

I am treating this as a wake up call for myself (as well as the marriage) so I am working on improving my own life, which is really helping.

Madabout, I can completely understand what you are saying about improving your own life, I've had a few bad days recently (coinciding with a big birthday - so lots of thoughts about how I didn't expect my life to be like this!) and I know I don't really like the person I've changed into - it's as though life has ground me down and now I'm trying to enjoy everything and have fun, and most importantly look to the future - which I know is going to much better than it was looking a year ago.

One of the things I thought today was that during the affair it was pretty obvious he was having an affair - all the classic signs were there - but I didn't see it and I know why, because I really didn't care about him or what he did during that time and probably for quite a while before.

Hi Ladies
Thanks for your support. I'm feeling better today. We had another long talk last night. Whenever we have had bad patches in our marriage, we have covered them up by taking on a big 'project' or doing something major instead of directly addressing the issues we were having. We are both guilty of sweeping stuff under the carpet so I think it's important to face feelings head on from now on. We are having little things to look forward to, though. It's difficult to look too far into the future, though, as one of the reasons DH shagged while abroad was because he wants to emigrate to that country and I didn't feel able to. So the future is doubly uncertain.

Lisa - I get what you mean in your last para, my H did a great job of detaching from me that I cared less about him. I also think that I missed the signs because these did not appear overnight, it was a gradual process - he also had secrets from me (porn) so there was already a barrier between us.
The other reason why I didn't see it coming was after 22 years I got complacent and never dreamt he would do anything like that.

strange - glad you are having a better day. I think its hard to see that far ahead in the future because you are still confused and uncertain - I could only cope with one day at a time and then a week etc and now I am starting to think about Christmas so I know I am feeling much better. I hope that you and your H are able to keep talking about your plans for the future.

Feeling a bit better today. Always hits me driving home from work for some reason. Still cant beleive this is happening to me. Ive got about 1000 questions going round in my head but not even sure I want the answers.

AAARRRGGGHHH I hate him for what hes done to us but love him so much.
hes trying so hard and sometimes I feel like the bitch for being so suspicious. Someone from work text him last night - female - and he couldnt explain it clear enough, who she was what she wanted etc but Im still wondering if theres more :(

F**K

Lisa you said in your post.....One of the things you thought today was that during the affair it was pretty obvious he was having an affair - all the classic signs were there - but I didn't see it and I know why, because I really didn't care about him or what he did during that time and probably for quite a while before.

I said in one of my earlier posts thats exactly how I felt and if I'd hv found then I dont know if I'd been bothered. In some ways I actually cant blame him I must have been so dis interested in him. This isnt me blaming myself, he was was the one who took it too far but I think its me saying I can see where it started

Sorry, have been reading this thread and the last few posts reminded me of one I made on a thread the other day.

Usually once an affair is about to happen or already underway, the person's behaviour is so dismissive and distant - and has been for some time, that the unsuspecting partner becomes dismissive and appearing not to care, in response. It's really important that you don't hold that behaviour against yourself and believe it was contributory to the affair, as in most cases it's just a reflexive reaction to not feeling loved and cared for yourselves.

The other thing is, that you probably wouldn't have thought "affair" because of the trust you had in your partners. The last thing you should beat yourselves up for is that you "missed the clues".

You were being lied to after all.

Unless any of you can recall making a conscious decision not to dig around for fear of what you might find (turning a blind eye, but consciously) then please don't turn any blame inwards for being complacent. After all, if you were complacent in any way, what about your partners? It's supremely arrogant and complacent to think you can have an affair, behave shittily at home and still have a marriage to pick up again when you see fit, isn't it?

It's supremely arrogant and complacent to think you can have an affair, behave shittily at home and still have a marriage to pick up again when you see fit, isn't it?

couldnt have put it better Stern, and that is my biggest problem atm tbh :(

My dad had an affair that resulted in his OW having a baby. My mum was at home with 3 children under 5 at the time. He left the family home on and off for five years..couldn't decide what he wanted, my mum didn't know what she wanted..they fought, they made up, fought etc..

Eventually they got back together and I'm very glad they did or I wouldn't be here. :) My half-brother is 50 years old and has limited contact with the rest of the family but we are trying.

I don't think it was easy for them, but somehow they worked it out. They are now a little old couple in their 80s, my dad dotes on my mother, looks after her as she is in the last stages of alzheimers. Last week he went to the care home where she lives and serenaded her with a violin and flowers to celebrate their 62nd wedding anniversary. He is the only person she remembers. I find notes all over their house that they used to write to each other saying 'I love you'.

Their situation has taught me that people are fallible. Marriage is not easy, takes hard work and sometimes forgiveness can bring its own very special rewards.

Beer thats a lovely post. We had a long all cards on the table talk last nt. Ive woken up this morning SO positive that we can do this. Ive been saying for weeks now that we could survive, but I think this is the first morning I've actually believed it. :)

Beer that is a really positive post. Thanks for that.
I do believe that people make big mistakes but life can go on after too. I think people deal with pressure in various different ways, not that this is an excuse for an affair (that is never really excusable) but it is a reason. We have 3 under 5 and are in a very difficult financial situation. I believe my dp wanted some kind of escape and the novelty, fun, lust, etc, etc that came with the affair were too hard to resist. Before anyone jumps on me, I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but in order for me to move on I need to understand the reasons. Plus like I said before if it was the other way around and I was the breadwinner and he the stay at home dad, I'm not sure I would have been able to resist either the way our situation was.

sternface in answer to your post I do not blame myself at all, and my dp has always said it was in no way my fault. However we were definately 50/50 in the deterioration of our relationship before the affair - obviously it got worse as he detached himself during the affair. And in his defence (not that I defend his actions very often!) He did not think he could jump back into our relationship when he wanted, he believed it was over and also believed that was what I thought. It was only after it all came out and we talked that we both realised the only people either of us wanted in our lives was each other, so that is what we are working on now.

It'll be 2 yrs on the 1st Jan and to be honest I just feel deflated when i think about our marriage now. When i found out it was like having someone close to me dying. We talked, we cried, we had an incredible amount of sex (I just needed to be held) and I genuinely believe he was horrified by his behaviour. I think we were right to stay together, certainly we'd have been no happier by ourselves but the stress builds up in me like a pressure cooker.

I know he doesn't like to initiate the conversation but if we don't have it from time to time i start to get bitter. I don't want to be touched and I get really bitchy. I think my biggest worry is this is it now, that there will always be a wall between us, one that we just don't talk about any more.

I never told anyone, I don't know whether she did. My OH didn't tell her why he was breaking up, just that it was New Year and he wanted a fresh start. But with kids the same age at the same school? There must be people that know, i just don't which ones they are. And I do still torture myself, I know she has a present he gave her for Christmas and since much of their relationship was online or by text it wouldn't surprise me if she still has all those.

It's nice to read people's comments about how much their relationship has improved, I feel ours has taken a bit of a backward step at the moment :-(

mygoodnessme - what did you both do after the affair to help your marriage recover as well as the talking e.g counselling, reading books etc?

For years and years my older siblings held so much resentment towards my dad. Asking how could he do that, how selfish etc etc..we always felt guilty that my mum had to go through all that. No one ever talked about it again. The half-brother was the skeleton in the closet. They tried to keep the information from me which was pretty destructive as children always pick up when something's not quite right.

Just last month I was talking to my oldest sister about this - she was old enough to remember the fights, the slammed doors, the splitting up, getting back together etc. She has never really forgiven. I reminded her that just 3 months before the affair started, my dad's brother was tragically killed. He was told by the family that he would now have to support his brother's family (and 4 kids)..I can't imagine the pressure he was under. I'm not excusing his behaviour but I think the pressure, the grief just got to him. For my sister it was a lightbulb moment and finally, after half a century, she is finally finding a way to forgive him.

I have just been looking at this link - it has some very useful articles:

katie-lersch-articles.com/

Hi, sorry to repeat everything. I am new on here. I discovered this site late last night, after yet another night of sitting up searching internet for success stories from people who have "gotten through affairs". I felt so low, (still do really) but reading your hundreds of posts i think will help.

My H and i have been married 5 years, together 8. 2nd marriage for both. (i have 5 kids by my first marriage, none by H) He cheated on his first wife on and off for the 16 years they were together, and then i met him towards the very end of this. I was told over and over, "if he cheated on his wife with you, he will cheat on you with another....". I chose to ignore this, as i HONESTLY believed he loved me completely, and that we were different.

Anyway to cut a long story etc.

I found out on 1st June that my H had been having an affair with a woman he met the previous september on Facebook, who lived locally. They had apparently been talking for a while on FB, and then going to the same over 30s night monthly and meeting up face to face, albeit with other friends of ours there, whilst i stayed home with kids.

I had suspected something wrong for a while, as he was distant, cold and argumentative for about 3/4 months prior to this. So much so that he didnt even want to have sex, which is normally a huge thing for him as he has a high sex drive. He packed in his job, just left, no notice, nothing. All he wanted to do was go on the interenet. WHile i went out to work to work.I began to question everything, always going on at him, and even more so when he began obsessing over FB, always wanting to go online, coming to bed late. Refusing to allow me to watch him on it. I honestly thought i was going mad, i hated the person i had become, i was jealous, possessive and really felt i was losing the plot. His sex drive then suddenly went back up through the roof, and he was badgering me nightly, sometimes even waking me up for sex.
Except he had intentionally allowed me to feel that way, to make it easier to carryon with his affair. He first met up with her on easter sunday, even went out, bought me an easter egg home, and then went back out to meet her, after telling me he was going to watch football. I believed it all.,
I finally found out cos he left his facebook account on by mistake when he came to bed late one night, and forgetting himself told me he had been chatting to "D". (her name - almost)
I couldnt sleep so went down and looked at it, and there it all was, stored in his messages he hadnt erased;. Him telling her "it was nice last night". Which meant he had dropped me and kids and cinema, told me he was off to play golf, and gone round to screw her. Nice.

ANyway im rambling, he stopped seeing her immediately, cut off all contact and has given me his word he knows what he risked and will never do it again., That he couldnt bear to hurt me, he says he thinks he was having a mid life crisis, and that he just cant explain why.

There is so much more i need to say, i just wanted to ask everyone the same question everyone asks;

When will i stop thinking about it all, when will i stop wanting to seriously harm the OW, why cant i just move forward, as he has and just put it all to bed? I constantly think about the two of them together, the sex strangley he had with her twice doesnt actually bother me. Its the emotional connection he formed with her that hurts so very very much.

Sorry for long rambling post. I dont actually expect anyone to reply. I think i just needed to write some of it down. Theres plenty more lol, but only so much i guess i should say out loud. xx

Welcome to this thread.

The fact that your H has been unfaithful in his previous relationship(s) suggest that he has a lot of work to do to look at why he keeps having affairs and how to stop this behaviour and individual counselling will help him.

As for your question - it does take time but I suspect the reason why you find it hard to move forward is because your H is not doing everything he can to help you recover. Just saying he won't do it again is not enough as you both need to understand why he had the affair. I found reading SHirley Glass's Not Just Friends very helpful.

MadAboutHotChoc - thank you so much for replying. I agree with you totally when you say that he has alot of work to do to look at why he keeps having affairs and how to stop the behaviour. Unforunately my husband comes from a community whereby the men pretty much rule the roost, and do as they please, whilst the women in the whole are expected to stand by their man. I do not come from this community myself, and have married into it. I have been accepted into his family, and am loved by his mum and her partner, but i sometimes cause a few raised eyebrows as i work full time and this is very much frowned upon as in his culture it is my job to stay home, clean and raise the children. Which of course i do, except i go to work too, my choice not his.His mother and his sisters are of the opinion if i really loved him, which i do, i will forgive him and carry on. Which i will. But i really really wish he would accept HE has a problem and try to indentify it. Sadly i doubt this will ever happen as it isnt considered "manly" are he has been bought up to believe that men do not talk about their feelings.

I will go to waterstones tomorrow to search for the book, it cant hurt. I just keep telling myself i am a strong woman, and it takes strength to stick with it in tough times, whereas the easy choice would be walk away. (sorry that sounds dreadful, of course walking away isnt easier, but staying is just as hard at the moment too). I will try and make this work in any way i can, and expect him to do the same, i just realise there are limitations.

I just feel so mixed up, i KNOW he loves me but keep having moments whereby i think that if he truley did love me he wouldnt have cheated at all. He however says he never stopped loving me, not ever. He just lost his way.

Roll on months to come, its got to get easier.

Most bookstores do not stock this book so best to order it from Amazon.

I am sorry but recovery from an affair will require 100% commitment from your H and from what you have said, it sounds like he isn't prepared to do the work .

I know what you mean about walking away being the easy option as that's what I felt too but sometimes its the only option if the cheating party isn't doing what he needs to do in order to change.

hello again. Ive had a productive few hours, mainly, in fact COMPLETELY thanks to these posts, and in particular your input.

I spoke at length to my husband last night and told him that as much as i am in love with him, i love myself too and can no longer cope with with just brushing everything under the carpet. I told him i couldnt carry on unless he told me the reason he had the affiar. Everyone has a reason for why they do the things they do, and i simply wasnt prepared to accept his excuse as to "i dont know why" any longer.

Well, it must have sunk it, as he rang me from work at 7am this morning to say that he had thought all night about it, and that the only reason he could give me that was honest and thought through was that he had been at his lowest ebb, that he left work, regretted it and felt he had lost his identity somewhat. He had picked up on my signals that i loved him less (which, at that time i honestly believed i did) and that we simply were not as united as we once were. He said none of this excused his dreadful behaviour. He claims that the OW pampered his ego, made him feel wanted and attractive, and gave him an outlet to escape the pressures that were in the house at the time. (my eldest dd had gotten pregnant at around the same time, this in our community was a huge thing, my younger daughter was recovering from throat cancer, and i simply forgot to take care of him, as all my efforts were focused on them, no excuse for him cheating, not my fault, just im stronger than him obviously).
He said it was a huge relief that i found out when i did, as it bought the matter to a head. He went on to say that he loved me more than anything, that he was truely sorry, and that if he could do one thing it would be to turn the clock back and be a better man.

For me, i feel as though a huge weight has disappeared, that all of a sudden everything is going to be ok. I only ever wanted an answer as to why, and now i have it. As for her, today is the first day in over 4 months when i no longer wish to harm her, i have no feelings towards her at all, i now realise she was a lonely sad pathetic woman with very few friends who did not have the morals needed to steer away from a married man. She would have happily torn our family apart, and upset our 7 seven childen. Without a glance backwards, however the last laugh is on her. She is left, still sad, still lonely, with the few friends she does have in full knowledge of how she had an affair, they now think less of her, and she has lost confidence in herself and rarely goes out anymore. I am the one washing my husbands smalls, it is me he curls up with to watch tv at night, me he talks to over dinner, and our children that call him dad. I am no longer prepared to spend any time wasting my thoughts on her. My life can only move forward, and my relationship can only grow stronger.

Thankyou for listening x

I am glad you are feeling positive and that your H has finally talked to you - you both need to keep talking openly and honestly, that way your relationship will stay strong.

Good luck and do come back here if you feel the need to