I don't think DH treats me right

[amigoingmadhere]

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

All those marraiges you talk about as so happy and fulfilled and perfect- do you ever think that people might think the same about you? You never really know the truth of a relationship unless you are in it. As the saying goes 'Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides'.

As for the so-called 'play biting' I cannot imagine how terrifying it would be for a 1 year old to be bitten by an adult. If their lovely father ever leaves a mark on them, he'll be up on an assault charges and social services will want to know why you haven't been protecting your children. Sorry to be harsh- but protesting you didn't want them to be bored won't really cut it

Ami, whatever your phobia, a decent hypnotherapist should be able to sort it out- often it only takes one session as phobias are relatively easy to deal with. Make sure you see someone who has been properly qualified though. If you want a recommendation for someone in London, do PM me.

You absolutely can and will cope. My dc's were the same age as yours when it happened to me, and I think you need to take all the help you can to start with, and realise that it won't always be as tough as it is with two tiny dc's. Once they're at school (and that time flies) childcare and daily life gets a lot easier and cheaper. Just get through these next few years.

Being a single parent is inifinitely easier then living with this kind of man, believe me.

we just had a huge row. I couldn't keep it in and I gave my rings back and told him I wanted a divorce. Stupid me. Now it will either get very very nasty in the divorce courts, or, more likely, he will get scared and be on better behaviour.. I can never win. I can see this being very bitter and no good at all for the dcs.

He completely silences me - every time I voice an opinion on something he has some sort of monumental objection. So in effect he is asking me to constantly lie, like a Stepford wife. I think his whole family is a bit disappointed that I am not. I can't lie - surely the one person one should be able to talk freely with is their spouse? Does he really want me to lie to him and confide in other people instead?

if I think of friends/family/role models ... those that are divorced are kind of failures in a way - families did not work out, not too successful in jobs etc., whereas those that stayed with partners seem to be happy, fulfilled and successful.

same here - it is easy to say "leave the rlationship"* etc but in the real world, if you do not have a friendship aupport network and/or family then it is far harder.

Harder, but not impossible brandnewname.
Harder, but still necessary.

And there is plenty of help about, you only need to reach out. I also thought I had no support and was stuck in a bad situation alone. But once I started talking, and asking for help, it was amazing what help was offered. For example, people I thought of only as "acquaintances" turned out to be true and caring friends. Every single person I spoke to listened, commiserated, and offered me shelter; a colleague of mine even cut me keys to her place so I could turn up day or night. Then there was the help from GPs, psychologists, psychiatrists, solicitors, police, social workers, DV organisations...

Try it; try reaching out. You can get out.

Back to the OP.

amigoingmadhere you are at a very interesting crossroads now. How do you feel?

Leaving an abuser is the only way to improve the situation. One of two things will happen: you leave, and with time regain your true self. No more being a Stepford Wife, no more angry person demeaning, intimidating and controlling you. Or, in very rare cases, you leave, the abuser gets the shock of his life, and enrols in Respect. If he sticks it out for a couple years and genuinely improves, then you can consider going back (if in the meantime your life as a non-Stepford wife hasn't moved on enormously and made you enjoy your freedom and the company of people who respect you as a matter of course, and not as a matter to be eternally vigilant of, as you will need to remain for the rest of your life with a reformed abuser).

Reformed abusers are rarer than rare, btw.

However, beware: threatening divorce but not following through will only worsen your situation. You've played your trump card. If you don't follow through with at least a separation, your H will have less than zero inventive to take you seriously. in fact, he will have proof that he can continue exactly as before, if not worse, since you will have proved yoursefl unwilling to stick to your own boundaries.

Now it will either get very very nasty in the divorce courts, or, more likely, he will get scared and be on better behaviour.. I can never win. I can see this being very bitter and no good at all for the dcs.

But you can win, amigoingmadhere. You can win your life back. Your DC, too, can win freedom from a home environment which is shaping their expectations of the world. They need not and shouldn't be involved in the ins and outs of the divorce proceedings and your feelings of bitterness about it; you can shelter them from that. What your H does is up to him. Be the more stable, mature parent and your DC will have the support they need.

*incentive

(inventive is something abusers can never be... predictable as fuck, they are)

AmI, my mother left my father when I was 4 - he wasn't abusive, just not a very good father and they were unhappy. She brought me up alone with no maintenance from him from then on. She worked full-time, we were poor, she had no family around to help and I'm sure she struggled a lot.

And I'm pretty much brilliant. She and I have a very close bond, I have my own children who I parent well, I sustain loving relationships with my own husband and with a lot of good friends. I'm nothing extraordinary in the sense of being a high flyer or beautiful or famous, nobody on the street envies me or anything, but I'm happy and stable and emotionally intelligent and all the things that you hope your child will be if you bring them up well.

I don't have a tendency to go around telling people how shithot I am, obviously. I'm really only saying that as a counterweight to divorce = DOOM. My adult relationship with my father is such that I suspect I would be a much more insecure person if they'd stayed together, just from seeing his tendency towards little put-downs and my extrapolation to how they would have been if they hadn't split up. As it was, I got a free, strong, happy mother who may well have come home after a hard day and bunged fish fingers under the grill, but who had the emotional energy to love us and the freedom to be herself, and she's one of the best role models I've ever met.

Oh, and I gather that the split was bitter and acrimonious on his part, and he did fight maintenance and there were court hearings and etc. I have absolutely no memory of any of that, I only know it from adult conversations with my Mum.

Tortoise, that's beautiful.

I wish I'd had your childhood. I wish my fearful and dependent parent had left my abusive parent, instead of staying and keeping the peace and smoothing things over whenever the abuse flared up. As it was, I went straight from their home into the arms of an abusive man, because that was my definition of normal.

This is the reality of what your DCs are facing, amigoingmadhere. You are very concerned about the effects of a divorce battle and split on your DC. The effect of them staying and witnessing his treatment of you is far worse, IME.

I agree with ItsMeandMyPuppyNow. Having started you need to follow through.

HI - OP here again, resurrecting this thread from months ago.

Basically, situation is still the same - we are not in the divorce process yet, although I have made it abundantly clear that that will happen shortly if he does not change. There has also been a fundamental change within me in that I feel that I have the strength to go through with it.

However, I do want to give him one last chance to change, and he has shown willingness. So, this is a request for a recommendation of a therapist that he can see (or we can both see, separately) in order to address these issues. This would obviously need to be a therapist that is familiar with emotional / verbal abuse etc., who would get to the heart of these issues with him. Whether or not any therapy would work remains to be seen - but he has agreed to it, without any real pressure from me, so I have to give it my best shot.

May be best to pm me for confidentiality etc. but also fine to post on here if appropriate. I am in the London area.

TIA

I know no-one has responded since my last post, but in any case, situation has now escalated - DH just hit my pregnant belly this morning, in front of the dcs.

I can't stay any longer. I need some advice.

OMG.

Call the police and report the assault. Yes, you must.

Call Women's Aid. Now. 0808 2000 247. Ask for help getting a place in a refuge for you and DC, or advice on how to get him removed from your house and barred from getting near you or the house.

You are right that you absolutely must leave.

He has just shown you that when you try to stand firm and demand the respect you are entitled to, rather than listen to you and empathize like a loving partner, he prefers to punch your pregnant belly, in front of your DC in order to get you back in line.

I'm sorry for the shock and pain you (and DC!) must be going through. I am sorry your husband is not the man you thought and hoped he was.

There will be plenty of time and help available to help you pick over the pieces of what went wrong. But right now, you must act immediately to remove yourself and DC from this situation and get to a place of safety.

As HotDAMM said.

Do you need to go to hospital and check your baby is ok?

Poor you :(
Call the police if you can. They will help you get medical attention. I really hope this makes you leave, he could have killed your baby :(

"However, I do want to give him one last chance to change, and he has shown willingness. So, this is a request for a recommendation of a therapist that he can see (or we can both see, separately) in order to address these issues".

This as an idea is a complete non starter. It will not work. You also previousl;y wrote that he attended an anger management course and that has not worked unsurprisingly.

His words again are designed to get you back into line; such men never change.

Dragging out a dead in the water relationship like ths is only going to prolong the pain and you need to divorce this man asap. I never write that lightly but you are in an abusive relationship. No-one benefits from being in an abusive
relationship and you and your children are being damaged by this man.

Your man acts like this because he can. He likely does not talk to other people like this. Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world.

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is incidence of ongoing abuse. I would recommend the Freedom Programme offered by Womens Aid to you when you have separated from him. He will kill you in the end.

If you want counselling you need to see someone on your own and never with him present. Abusive men dominate such sessions, they take no responsibility for their actions and make it all out to be the woman's fault.

If you do not leave him you condemn your children to a life of emotional suffering (they are learning from both of you as to how relationships are conducted) and yes it is as simple as that. Your children won;t thank you as adults for staying with such a man and will likely despise you for doing so. You have a choice re your H; your children do not.

Attila
Did you see her subsequent post? :(

I hope you have now phoned both the police and Womens Aid here. You need to be in a place of safety.

OP, I'm so sorry. I also hope you've called the police and Womens Aid.

Phone the police if you haven't already. If he has not gone already, call a friend/your mum to tell them what has happened, pack his bags now, make him leave home. Call the police again if you need to. He has to leave.

He will no longer be able to verbally or physically abuse you. You can get an anti harrassment order/restraining order if you need to. The police will explain this to him for you.

Do not speak to him once he has left. He is abusive, you must protect yourself and your children. Communicate via email, he is less likely to be vile in writing.

Have you called the police?

Please get out of there x

Oh my goodness, how awful! Did he punch your belly hard? Please get away from him and keep your dcs safe