I don't think DH treats me right

[amigoingmadhere]

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

ADs, counselling, therapy, can alleviate the misery of depression.

Nothing can alleviate the misery caused by an abusive individual - even when they're dead and gone, their legacy lives on.

You are not as alone, or as helpless, or as weak, as you think you are.

"Ask and it shall be given"

Get asking for support - get telling your story - and you'll be surprised at the encouragement and offers of practical help that you'll be given.

Hello, OP, I have just seen your thread now. You have my hugest sympathies. I too used to think like you, that divorce itself would have terrible effects on the children's lives. Then I got to know more people who were carefree, idealistic and childless - I saw one bright girl who failed at her schoolwork and became a pregnant teenager because of the angst at home when her tempestuous parents stayed together for the sake of not getting divorced, one 4 year old who got traumatised when she saw and heard her dad criticising and tearing her mother down on a daily basis. And I have friends whose parents split, or whose fathers walked out, who have grown up to be successful, decent and loving people - even good mums and dads to their kids.
Your children are still very young; you will qualify for subsidised childcare (yes, even though UK is expensive as the media told us today). If you divorce him and a good lawyer could help make sure he pays up as much as possible. Even consider getting a nanny who perhaps can do longer hours if that works out cheaper than 2 nursery places.
Consider flat sharing /getting a housemate who is female whom you trust with or without her own kids. A relative of mine does that with a friend who is a single mum. It works out well - she gets help with the housework, her friend has support and occasionally an extra "childminder" person just to be around if she needs to go out, and they share the cost of food bills.
You may not realise it, but a neutral third party simply reading just what you have posted has the answer just from what you say: you need to split from this man. You and your DCs should not stay with him any longer. He is a toxic influence on them, and a nasty person for you to be in a relationship with. Your children are at a vulnerable and extremely impressionable age. They will learn that it is normal for a man to treat a woman like that, and pick their friendships and relationships accordingly - rejecting healthy relationships with nice, decent people and choosing relationships are equally toxic, because that is the only pattern they have learnt.
Kids don't need a lot of wealth and extravagant adventures to grow up happy, balanced and successful - they need stability and warmth. Many successful and happy people I know did not have either - and they are very content and happy with that. And it doesn't seem like there is much warmth in your home, as your husband appears to snuff out what warmth there is. Don't put yourself down just because you don't think you'll be able to drive to Legoland every fortnight! - plenty of local treats like feeding ducks and children's farms or parks that young children often enjoy more. And you always get trains and taxis!

(sorry, typo 3rd line - should read "more people who were NOT carefree, idealistic and childless")

on a practical note - how would you prove in court (if that's what it might come to), that he calls me things like "little whore" (I have not done anything whoreish!) or held his hands threateningly around my neck (for example). He would obviously deny everything. Why would a judge believe me? I wouldn't be surprised if DH made stuff up about me as well. I can see this getting very nasty. Does it matter how long ago these things were? How do I find the right solicitor (who I can trust)? - sorry, I know, being a professional woman, I should probably be able to work these things out myself, but I haven't had any practical experience of any of this.

If you feel you have family members who are sympathetic to your situation, why not move to stay near them later on (after the divorce - sell your share of the home then move) so that they can offer you support and company for your two DCs? Even just having your children be in the company of family members who are kind and pleasant - not cruel and sarcastic like your DH - will do wonders for their development. And it will be less isolating for you.

kipperandtiger - thank you - some very useful food for thought. I had so many visions of me all alone with the dcs morning till night day in day out with no job for me and no money and being poor (incidentally, I'm not too bothered about money, but I want the dcs to be able to have a decent life) - not being able to work because childcare too expensive etc. etc. Maybe I could share with someone - or will a cut of DH's earnings, be able to afford an au pair??

(I have a FT nanny at the moment but I doubt I would keep my job and be able to keep her on)

I think judges are used to a lot of name calling and cases of emotional abuse, so you wouldn't be the first. A colleague who had to get a divorce for similar reasons to you said that most solicitors are trustworthy, but divorces can get expensive, so try not to use the lawyer's time as therapy. Read up (type it into google, look up books in the library during your lunch hour) as much as you can; when you feel upset, go to Women's Aid or a support group - don't unload it on a lawyer. Keep your time with the lawyer to bullet points and lists of questions, not open ended discussions. You may not necessarily have to go to court if both sets of lawyers can get both parties to agree on things like custody (they call it residence now) and finances out of court - although I am guessing from your posts your DH might try to challenge or fight it in court. At this time, if you don't wish your children to be with your DH on a particular day (eg schoolnights or entire weekends) don't set up a pattern (the status quo) whereby he looks after them on those days - or else a judge will tell you to continue it. You now have to think of their welfare - eg divorced dads who take their kids out on their contact days and send them back late and hungry, or with a late bedtime, so that their schoolwork suffers, to get back at ex-wives.

Have you made queries with nurseries near work about their charges? (near work is better than near home because you won't spend on the extra hour for you to get there to drop off and pick up from work, but of course you need to check how costly their fees are versus one near home). Many nurseries will give discounts for more than one child at their nursery. Pick one that takes kids up to 5 because you'll need to have childcare during school holidays as well. Find out from www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/index.htm what credits and subsidies you can get based on your salary; as a single parent household I suspect it will be a fair bit.

Divorce has moved on from the old days of apportioning all the blame to one party. There's no shame and it's not punitive (except to certain pockets).

Once the Petition has been served, the other side can argue and deny, and solicitors letters can fly back and forth, but a decree nisi will inevitably be granted no matter if one side or the other squeals like a stuck pig in the process.

The decree absolute which ordinarily follows some 6 weeks after the nisi may, in some cases, not be granted until mediation has taken care of the squeals.

What you need is an experienced divorce solicitor and, in view of the nature of your soon to be ex h, you need one who's as willing to go for the jugular as they are to pour oil on troubled waters.

Personal recommendation is best - canvas friends and colleagues; as previously advised there's no need to tell them that it's for you.

I also think you know what you need to do and that is to start building up your defenses and prepare to leave this monster. I can understand your paralysing fears and wouldn't be suprised if you are depressed living in this situation BUT I think you are a much stronger and more capable woman than you realise....holding down a high flying career & raising 2 young children with a "partner" who is working against you.
In your shoes, I would start by confiding in 1 or 2 RL friends, see my GP in case AD's would be helpful right now to get you through this & also talk to HV?
I wouldn't worry so much about material things/exciting days out...given the age of your babies, all they really want is their mummy's love and attention & to feel safe and secure. My 3 year old is more excited about hide & seek in the front room than a day out to the zoo or whatever.

It sounds like you have tried very hard to make your marriage work, have shown your H far more compassion for his behaviour that he deserves & any devastation he feels about losing his family is entirely his own doing. My stomach was in absolute knots reading about his behaviour.
You have a bank account, earning potential & a driving license - you do not have to remain a prisoner here. Start taking baby steps to prepare to leave, lots of good advice on here about where to start. Good luck x

PS Finally think about Stockholm syndrome - I think you may be feeling a lot more sympathetic to your DH and defending him more than he deserves because you in effect are his captive. You have a good education and a good job and yet you feel helpless and in thrall to him. I suspect that once you are no longer with him you will feel tons more capable and not constantly tearful and depressed, and you will be so busy sorting out your work and your children's lives that you have no time to think you can't cope and you will indeed surprise yourself by not only coping but flourishing. The colleague who left an emotionally abusive husband has a nice flat (rented), takes holidays abroad with her DC, holds down a job far from home (has childminder to take DC to school and pick her up from school). Yes, you may get anxieties from time to time about finances and being on your own (eg falling ill). But even happily married couples have anxieties too. For yourself, you can ask a good female friend or family member to call you every week or look out for a text from you (arrange to text them every Wed and Sat, for example) or even arrange a rota among two friends to take turns to meet up with you on alternate fortnights to have some support (they don't have to know each other, you just need to make sure that it happens). And you could take outings with a family member which would be fun for you and your children, and not assume that only your DH could do it. There are plenty of options for you out there!

Hundreds of divorces are rubber-stamped by Courts every day with neither party being required to attend, and it's highly unlikely that you're going to find yourself in the dock being questioned by your soon to be x's wigged and gowned barrister as to whether his client did indeed call you x y or z on a b or c date etc, while M'Lud or M'Lady peers down at you over his or her specs.

Re your ft nanny; she may be amenable to nanny share where another dc is looked after in your home particularly if this results in a raise in salary for her. This will provide stability for your dc or, as kipper has suggested, look at day care options near your place of work.

The permutations are endless but none of them will result in you and dc living a miserable existence or starving to death in a freezing cold garrett. Please rid yourself of any notion that single parents live drab, colourless, lives - the ones I know live lives full of vibrant happiness.

Thank you all, really. I am crying in gratefulness. I really did feel completely trapped with no other realistic option. Now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'll log out now, but will check back in another time. Thank you.

Good luck, OP, I think from what you have said here, you have plenty of your own abilities and resources to make a very happy, stable and well-provided home for your kids (but make sure you lawyer gets him to pay his due!- his pension, shares, savings, etc are all assets, and his kids deserve that.) PS If you find nursery cheaper for your kids, it's quite likely that they will be so worn out every weekday from play-doh, splashy fun, finger painting, etc etc. that they will just want to veg out on weekends with you reading stories or just an outing to the playground or park. Make sure you buy lots of hard wearing, machine washable clothes (and new shoes), and that you have a good washing machine, tumble dryer and dishwasher before you start divorce proceedings, if you haven't got those yet. You'll need those to preserve your precious time (and sanity!) when you're a single parent! (don't wait till you have to pay it from your your own pocket)

Now that you've seen the light, be aware that abusive twats can also be intuitive twats.

Unloading here will have lessened your burden and your mind should now be spinning with the myriad ways that you can break free of him.

If he sniffs your hope that you and dc have a brighter future ahead without him in your lives, he will either become more abusive or, more probably, he'll rein himself in and temporarily resume the demeanour of the charmer you fell in love with.

Don't be fooled - whichever side of his faces he shows, he'll remorselessly grind you down until you do not question anything he says or does because you are no longer capable of thinking for yourself.

Brilliant advice kipper - that is excellent forward planning

morning.

planning, ... go to the womens aid website and get together an emergency bag. (do not forget knickers) (moi?) find your paperwork. go to a solicitor and find out your rights. contact yourr local womens aid. speak to your gp about the abuse. get it on record. take every bruise to your gp, or get it photographed by vivctims support/womens aid. get your stuff ready/legal stuff ready before you go to the gp as they may have to inform ss. this is a good point to be ready to put in place all the legal stuff and go. you do need to inform someone about what he does to the children because there will be the issue of contact. the more evidence there is the more likely that he will only get supervised contact.

what is your phobia? I expect that it gets worse because of stress. (told to me by mind who have visitedbecause I was a risk of pnd) you may find you can cope with it. I bet you will find someone to help you

Get a little reording device... there are some really good ones and record some of the stuff he does. Also start a diary NOW! You will be able to use both in court x
Oh and really really really brilliant advice from all the night owls last night.
And goodness, don't get taken in by his 'nice' side..... and defo agree re stockholm syndrome x

OP, here are some sources of help for you to consider using:

• friends: Talk to them, it is amazing how much it can settle your own mind to just pour things out to a sympathetic person. Have a friend keep a bag of essentials for you and DC, and be ready to house you if ever you need to leave the house in an emergency.

• GP: they can prescribe medication and refer you to counselling.

• Women's Aid : Call them. They will provide a knowledgeable listening ear, practical advice, and can signpost you to other services that can help.

• solicitor : discuss the practicalities of separation / divorce, how to prepare for it, and what you can expect in terms of financial settlement so that you can start envisioning how you will manage as a single parent.

• police : Call them if ever your husband's words or actions frighten you or your DC. Go speak to your DV unit and see if you can get your address and phone number flagged so that they know to react quickly if you call. They might even provide you with a panic button.

• MN support thread : so you can vent with others in your situation, and get advice from women like you who got out.

And here are some sources of information that might help you better come to grips with the reality of your situation:

• "Why does he do that?"

• "When Dad hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse"

• verbal abuse

• emotional abuse

• physical abuse

• the cycle of abuse

Youmention that friends are already encouraging you to get rid of this horrible man. His abuse of you is visible to the outside world, it is REAL and it is HAPPENING and other people WILL BELIEVE YOU.

He's going to start hurting the children more seriously soon, he already bites them. (He fucking bites his children, this is abusive, crazy behaviour). He'll be hitting them next, or pushing them downstairs or smashing their toys in front of them. He is NEVER going to improve, so you need to get out as soon as possible. Your phobia will diminish when you are not living in a constant state of fear for yourself and DC because you simply don't know what this worthless individual will do to hurt any of you next.

Dear ami,
I understand a lot of your dilemmas. Every which way you turn looks scary so the easiest thing seems to be to cope with what you know, however awful it can be at times.
Don't rush, don't jump, but get some knowledge about things. I always play what if with myself, my ex MiL who is otherwise good plays what if with her son even though I have told her about stuff. I don't have any parents and I too don't know what is right for my DCs at times.
The sol I got was part of the process of me seeing what was wrong - she is fantastic and has seen a lot of it before. I have a counsellor to whom I can unburden my over analytical thoughts, I post on the EA thread and it's helping. One thing that is really important is setting boundaries - what happens if you say calmly I don't wish to be called a again. And then walk away. Set smallish boundaries then bigger ones, and one good question to ask is would you have been happier over the last month with him as he behaved or without him? It is easy to say to yourself I must stay, it is easy for others to say go now. Talk over this in RL with someone who knows about emotional abuse.

Hello ami,I could have written your post three years ago and I just wanted to say that co-parenting post separation with someone like this is difficult, but my God, life is so much better when you don't have to live with this behaviour on a daily basis.

Something I found useful was to write down every awful thing he'd done that I could remember, with dates. Not big emotional descriptions, just brief statements. Whenever I missed him or was scared of my new life, I could read it and remember why I was better off out of it. I gave this list to my solicitor, and she used parts for the divorce petition. Best of all, it's been useful in the child residence proceedings, and when he's reported me to social services for not looking after my DC properly.

Making the decision to leave is the worst bit - took me ages. But everything else will fall into place. It's like labour - gets worse before it gets better!

Divorce: expensive.
Not having to live with a wanker: priceless.

Ami, you have had some fabulous advice here. Hard to hear I know, but it's all said with the best intentions, honestly.

Even those that have been harsh on you have done so knowing full well what you are going through. Some of them (me included) are now on the other side of this, having got out. The fear of the split is worse than the actual split itself. I PROMISE you, on many levels once you bit the bullet and get him out of your home, you'll feel better. Almost immediately!

Your friends know you need to leave. You know you need to leave. We know you need to leave. Lean on your RL friends as much as you can, and lean on us, as much as you can/need to.

There are hundreds of us who can hold your hand, chivvy you up or plant a well considered boot up the backside should you need it

There is NO going back now, you can't put this genie back in the bottle.

You can do this!