Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

I would beg my parents to have DD so that I could try and 'win' XP over.

Stupid mouse

When ya know better mouse, ya do better.....

Now ya know!

xx

I just thought about something - sorry a bit off track but thought I would get it down.
After my wedding day my dad mentioned that my husband hadn't said one word to or about me in his speech. He was right, I didn't get a mention (the bridesmaids,friends and everyone else did!)
Does the groom usually say something about his wife in the speech?
He didn't tell me I looked nice or anything either (we had traditional white wedding) One of my male friends who had his wife with him told me I did but hubby didn't!

I am reading a fabulous book called "Healing your emotional self"...
It discusses why we are the way we are and what has caused us to be emotionally damaged. In other words what causes us to choose an abusive partner....

Its what we are used to, so we think its ok....

Its true nametapes, It seems to be a pattern some people follow in relationships. Not just myself but a few people I know seem to be attracted to a certain type of man who further down the line seems to end up controlling or abusive.

Sadly it seems that we are shaped as young people, either by our parents directly or just by witnessing their unhealthy relationship and then normalising it. So when Mum thinks it's best not to say anything when Dad shouts at her and calls her names, we pick up 'it's OK for men to shout at women and call them names'. Or ignore them, or get a kick out of winding them up. But as soon as you realise the way your parents relationship has affected you, everything else falls into place. Only then can you make real choices about the partner that's right for you. Up until then you had been making choices about partners that suit your damaged self, not your true self. It all seems very intense and complicated and deserving of years of analysis, but it really isn't. It's actually very very simple and straightforward. As children we learn to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. One of the easiest ways to do this is to normalise it. Once upon a time, we saw Dad shouting at Mum and calling her names and were shocked and confused and sad. But we blotted those feelings out so that it didn't hurt so much to see it.

A good clue is looking at your siblings - see what their relationships are like.

That's why it is child abuse to allow children to witness abuse.

Allboxedin - wtf did he talk about then at your wedding? The football? The food? The weather? Let it be a big big sign that your Dad even mentioned that to you at the time that he did. Think about it - he didn't need to say that - he crossed a certain line by saying it and would have been very brave to do that. He risked upsetting you. So can you imagine why he said it?

Barbie, yes, my parents tend to step back when it comes to any of us and our relationships so yes I should have taken it into account.
I have never really thought about it from now but it just made me realise how much he probably 'didn't' even love me back then, but rather just wanted a wife to do all his stuff for him.

I've moved the washing bin into his bedroom today as a hint that I am not picking his dirty clothes up off the floor anymore and he can put them in the washing bin himself!

Yay! That's how I started! Pick up your own frigging socks you slob!

Barbie, even as a child I remember I had learnt to put up defenses and I have a similar mechanism today, You learn to 'switch off' and work in autopilot.

It's true...both my sister's relationships are controlling and abusive...but their's have drugs in them too, often of the class A variety, as well as alcohol in vast quantity. :(

As the scapegoat, although it didn't feel it at the time, I got an escape from jail card didn't I?

Gosh yes, if they'd treated you better you might have ended up like them. What a horrendous thought. Ironic too. It's because they treated you like a piece of dirt that you didn't turn into one.

:( ps Anniegetyourgun I love that musical!

Was talking to my brother today about the similarities between his (just ended) relationship and mine. Eerie. We're both the dad character, though, and my sister more like mum (she is absolutely not shy of expressing her wants!). I guess I always really respected my dad for putting up with Mum so I've modelled that a bit. And I thought putting other people first was a respectable quality, which I guess it is as long as it's not abused. Can't stop crying right now.

And I thought putting other people first was a respectable quality, which I guess it is as long as it's not abused.

Yes, yes, it IS! As long as "other people" don't demand you subjugate, humiliate and sell yourself short for them. Abusers spot the ones who put ourselves last and reel us in :(

Glad to hear your brother's on his way out. Inspiration for you?

Abusers spot the ones who put ourselves last and reel us in yes and even when we think we have changed and left that part of our lives behind. I thought I had become so much stronger and independant - maybe I was wrong :(

Can I jump in and stick around for a bit? I have two threads going at the moment, have been pointed here. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1287537-I-have-been-reading-the-links AND www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1284829-Ex-DP-need-advice.

Just feeling like it would be so much easier to have him back, as DS3 is teething, and last night he didn't sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time, and I've got to cope with Ex-P here for god knows how long today from 12pm. Not that Ex-P would have HELPED me to get any sleep if we had still been together. But if I go for a nap today when he is here to see ds2&3, he will be riffling through my paperwork again (did that last time he was here), doing my washing up, generally moving MY things about, so I feel like I can't, and that HE'S controlling that.

It's been 12 weeks now - isn't it supposed to get easier to ignore them trying to 'win' you back. Like some fucking fairground prize. I mean, it's brilliant that I can now go out and spend time at my friends' houses without feeling guilty that he never went anywhere except to see his mum. Tomorrow I'm spending the day with a friend that he didn't like. And I'm not telling him. . But it's just so fucking HARD to be on my own when I don''t get any support from my Narc mother either.

4dc's (DD 13.5yo)(DS1 9.4yo)(DS2 7.10yo)(DS3 7mo), 2 with SN, one a 7mo bf baby. And no help. Can it GET any harder?

Loudlass can you put away anything important that you don't want him to be nosing in at. Put it under your bed for example. Then when he is here to see the DCS. DO GO TO BED. Hand the DCs over. LET HIM WASH UP. Let him pull some weight. You're running a house on your own like superwoman at the moment but make sure he's under no impression that you are allowing this to be a case of him "winning" you back.
I have great respect for you to have left the situation with 4DCs and one only a baby especially with 2 of your DCs having SN, You are doing great.
I have 2DCS one with SN and I haven't been able to leave yet. I am absolutely terrified even though I am putting up with his crap day in day out and I am ground down to rubble dust at this stage. Or rather I haven't been able to convince him to leave. I need this house for my SN DC. Unfortunately both our names are on the lease. The review of the lease came through this month and I'm terrified of filling it in because he will demand to go on the lease as well.

I can't believe this thread has reached number 4. Lot of us out there in this situation is so saddening. I am glad this thread is here though. It does help.

Well holidays were only JUST bearable because I bit my tongue a LOT. He moaned complained and got over stressed with the DCs every five minutes on holidays. He sniped at me, kept making criticisms of me, and generally was just horrible to be spending time with at a time that was supposed to be all about the DCS. Then at the end of the evening with DCs in bed, he would want to have sex. After going on at me all day. DCs were in a inner/connecting room but it still made me uncomfortable and especially after him being at me all day but I had to go through with it as I knew he would kick off and rant if I didn't and wake and upset them. I had experience of that temper of his before on a trip away and I had to call the police. So on the last night of the holidays I just refused sex. I was too tired and I honestly had a migraine from the heat and all the walking around. He got in a huge huff and slammed a few doors, called me a few names and then refused to get up in the morning to help me pack until HE was ready.
All I could think of the whole holiday was how nicer it would have been to be with a loving partner whose children meant so much to him that he would do anything to make them happy. He didn't want to buy them any souveniers because they were too expensive yet he was happy to buy a bottle of wine in the hotel. DCs did enjoy themselves though I think. If I'd have been there on my own with them, which I couldn't have been as DC has SNs, if I'd have had a friend or someone with me to help it would have been perfect. Unfortunately he marred the experience for my memories.

Even when we got home last night he was still on about having sex. I went up to bed stating that his perception of women as just sex objects disgusted me. He responded that if I treat him like a dog he will act like one. Oh and if I want to be treated like a good wife I should act like one too.

loudlass
First of all - WELL DONE FOR GETTING SHOT OF HIM!
It IS bloody hard. You are used to putting up and shutting up and the worst thing is you cant process properly as there are children demanding your attention all the time.
BUT
You could not go back, you've come too far, you know too much. And he will not have changed a bit, hence his persistence.
Sorry you have to have him in the house. Can he not take DS2 and 3 out for a bit? Maybe plant the idea in their head so they ask him? Otherwise only leave papers out that are safe and lock the rest away - although it goes without saying he shouldn't be touching them in the first place!
Focus on the things you CAN do, as there will be more and more of them. I feel for you and am cheering you on.

Breakfree
Oh that is fucking despicable behaviour
I want to yell at him "IF YOU BEHAVE LIKE AN ABUSIVE SHITBAG YOU'LL GET TREATED LIKE ONE!"
Does he know the lease is there? Is there ANY way you can fill it in and get it sent off without his name on it?

DS3 is only 7mo, and a bottle-refusing ebf baby. So the only way Ex-P can really see him at the mo is here. I don't have storage for my letters, very small house, waiting for council move. (In a 2.5 bed - third bed is classed as a nursery/study only suitable for up to a 10yo, DD is 13.5yo...).

Breakfree - You CAN get him to go, your dc having sn is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like that. I have found that I have MORE energy and effort to direct towards my dc (especially the two with sn) since he has gone, as I'm not trying to walk on eggshells around Ex-P.

Fill in the lease WITHOUT his name on - YOU are allowed to stay in the house and kick him out, YOU have the dc to look after.

Both DD and DS2 have asd, DD also has a heart problem and mild epilepsy, DS2 also has chronic asthma, hypermobility syndrome, hypotionia and GDD. I am also classed as disabled - I have uncontrolled epilepsy. I have done social stories for the dc with asd to explain that Ex-P is living somewhere else, and as they are older (DS2 is 7yo, almost 8yo), I have written all the contact days on HIS OWN calendar.

Going on holiday alone isn't impossible with dc with SN - I am planning a 500+ mile journey from SE England to the Hebrides next year to see family. On my own. With all 4 dc. Just takes more planning. (down to every little detail )

Loudlass I am in awe of you.

I wish I was...I just feel rubbish most of the time, like there's not enough of 'me' to go around. And this shit with Ex-P isn't making it any easier!

He's here now, he's got the raging hump because he tried to draw me into a conversation, and I didn't bite...Him asking me if "I'm all right, how are things". I just said, "Oh, fine, DS3 didn't sleep well last night, but it's ok". Nothing more. Keeping it about the dc...

Loudlass - hello you. I'm so sorry to read that you have spilt up with DP. You must be utterly exhasuted. Especially when you're not 100% yourself.

How are YOU at the moment? Physically I mean? Are you still living where you were? xx