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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

998 replies

MadameOvary · 30/08/2011 15:31

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 25/09/2011 23:57

misspixie. Love. This whole thread is all about the 'me'

We ALL of us here have not allowed 'me' to speak. It's 'me's turn now. Grin

You carry on love, we can't help if you don't tell us how you are doing!

butterflybee · 26/09/2011 01:57

IWBF - love the image of the dogs eating his roast!
Misspixietrix - you are lucky to have a friend willing to help in such a practicle way, when you're ready.
rtbc - I completely understand feeling like you can finally exhale. The first few weeks especially for me, it was amazing to just be able to breathe.
Madame - out out damn toad! that sounds a great achievement!
Herhissyness - it's good to read the group has been helpful. there's one that's near here but it's closed & i just missed the first session, next one doesn't start until Jan. my mom's come here to help for a few weeks, which is amazing and also slightly tricky as we've not got the easiest relationship. I remember reading your wobbles about the group.. and thinking about how hard it is to feel the things you know are true.

butterflybee · 26/09/2011 02:01

Reading this back for myself - It was amazing just to be able to breathe. Makes me abso-f*cking-lutely furious.

How little I asked for, and how much he took.

Original poster
MadameOvary · 26/09/2011 08:45

Posts for any lurkers
Come and join us! We support you towards freedom!

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 26/09/2011 08:55

Smile wave to all...sneaking less...just want some privacy on here!!!

Original poster
MadameOvary · 26/09/2011 10:04

MissPixie Loving your new attitude - have been watching it tentatively develop over the past little while - just look at you now! Smile
Reasons Keep going strong, you are doing so well! You might feel like you're walking with lead weights on your ankles but the load will lessen so hang in there!
FOTH - your moment is coming, your clarity is growing. The more you read, the more you get from your supports (including, hopefully, us) the faster the momentum you will gain towards realising what it is you want to do, and how you want to do it.
Barbie Your're very welcome Smile

OP posts:
barbiegrows · 26/09/2011 10:22

Hi IWBF - what an old moaner you have ended up with. Sounds awful. I get a similar kind of nonsense with mine. I think many of us on here have partners that are interchangeable, and they wouldn't even notice if they were living with a different wife. They all seem to see us as a problem.

I am very pleased that you're here as you are in a similar longterm relationship as me. Having patterns and behaviour that have developed over such a long time makes our experience slightly different it has become that much more entrenched. Our expectations and tolerance levels are stretched - we are more defensive, more pessimistic maybe. I know I'm extremely angry with him. Our behaviour has changed to adapt to the way they treat us.

Like you I have learned to get on with life without involving him, simply for an easy life. This makes me feel very capable - I know for sure I can handle anything life throws at me. What I can't handle though is the obstruction that he throws at me at every turn, the distractions, the interruptions, the clutter, the non-commitments... I have left him alone for the weekend to sort some space for his stuff and he hasn't done anything.

He really doesn't get this at all. I need to make some serious decisions about how to get him out. He's sad and lonely, but we can't live together. I think I may just have to take the kids and run myself. I'm going to look at flats right now. I can't be arsed with the sidetracking and false promises that I know I will face. Moving out will be a lot easier for all of us. He can't sidetrack me if I'm not there.

bejeezus · 26/09/2011 10:51
Sad

I told DD1 yesterday, that daddy would be going to live in a different house.

I didnt want to do it until the time was upon us, but he had estate agents round to value the house whilst kids were here and kept talking about looking at other houses, in front of them. I just felt I needed to tell her. Maybe I was wrong, I dont know. He should be gone by end of October.

She was quite subdued. She said, it felt like when her guinea pig died Sad. But she didnt cry. She asked why he was moving to another house and I explained that it was because we couldnt stop arguing and that when 2 people are married they should take care of each other not fight all the time. i said it would be better to be living apart but not arguing and she said 'i suppose'. She seemed quite excited that 'daddy wouldnt be able to tell her off any more' and excited at the prospect of sleep overs at daddys new house. She expressed that she was worried that she wouldnt see him any more and I did my best to reassure her that she would see him lots and hopefully more than she does now! (hope I am not fibbing to her)

This morning was quite peaceful and she did comment that we werent fighting and maybe daddy could stay after all Sad

this is the hardest thing EVER

bejeezus · 26/09/2011 10:53

it brings back all the feelings of;

'am i over reacting?'
'is it really that bad?'
'maybe if I just did XYZ he wouldnt do ABC'

I thought Id worked through all that

bellsring · 26/09/2011 11:36

Anyone had the experience of continually trying to make up with their partner, only to get rejected ultimately,either verbally by their partner/by ignoring you/or inciting such behaviour where you never feel the comfort and security of being in a relationship, or to be drawn into arguments where you/your opinion is always rejected,

barbiegrows · 26/09/2011 11:38

Bejeezus bejeezus!

Big news.

Over reacting? really that bad? if only?

My feelings exactly. Let's all give up at the first hurdle - like we have been used to over the years... giving in over and over again. I announced his departure on Thursday but he just doesn't get it. I am hours or days away from telling dcs but have been holding off until a plan is made. We've been offered 8 weeks free counselling and I'm already considering it. Am I mad?

My dp wanted to do the same as yours - get the house valued and i was worrywort and said that I would get it ready for sale while he's living elsewhere... but that's not going to happen is it? He's not going to get out. Argh!

I've just seen a couple of flats dcs would love. I'm considering the only way this is going to happen is if we leave. How to pay rent is quite another matter.

barbiegrows · 26/09/2011 11:40

Thanks bellsring that's brought me back down to planet reality.

notsorted · 26/09/2011 11:54

Dear Bellsring,
I know exactly what you mean. It's passive aggressive stuff. You argue over the washing up, say, and then when you try to say I'm sorry he sulks so extravagantly that the washing up was the least of your problems. No argument is a 'normal' argument, which all couples have to some extent unless there are a couple of saints out there who've hitched up.
And the other bit is passive aggressive too. Wind you up, push your buttons and then watch you explode. My ex trimmed his stubble in the bedroom with cream carpet in rented flat, that I was responsible for. It's either because he can. because he is being a little boy pulling legs off insects or because he is in a foul mood that he can't control and wants you to be responsible for it. Immaturity all over.
Deep breaths, detach, don't argue, fix on spot on the wall and look at fogging techniques/broken record - it's the stuff that customer services get trained in. I know you are contorting yourself into something that is not yourself to do it, but it is only a temporary measure - not denial or collusion - but just removal from situation as best you can.

barbiegrows · 26/09/2011 12:19

"it's the stuff that customer services get trained in"

LOL!

Totally puts it in perspective for me.

He told me he walks away from me when we're having conversation because it makes him anxious that it's going to turn into an argument... well that's really mature. If somebody doesn't agree with you, walk away so there's absolutely no way to find a resolution. We could be talking about the weather and he'll wander off.

bellsring · 26/09/2011 12:22

Still have to try to not engage.It only leads to more crap.And,did you get mixed messages alot from your partner?so you never knew what the current state of your relationship was - NO emotional security.

bellsring · 26/09/2011 12:27

And, that you are constantly cast as the wicked,evil,conniving one,always plotting something against him.

Misspixietrix · 26/09/2011 12:37

Bellsring yes I've had that experience, I can remember when ds was born he ignored me sulked like a twattish child for 10days to the point where I had to call his Db to the house as I couldn't cope with the atmosphere anymore. The key word that has helped me over the last few months is detach detach detach, only then will you see that you deserve SO much better. I got stopped & searched in a supermarket last week, when he came to my Mum's for the 'please come home i'm sorry but it was your fault....

bellsring · 26/09/2011 12:38

Just remembering how awful it is to live with someone who has a constant downer on you;it was soul-destroying.

Misspixietrix · 26/09/2011 12:43

........I was being a nob anyway speech" (this was before my mum asked us to go back) I got into a heated argument (in the car away from DC's) with him, in the middle of the row he went "see this is why you got stopped last night" Hmm which had absolutely fuck all to do with the row, I actually said "why bring that up if you're only aim wasn't to emotionally manipulate me?" That's why he's called his SIL, he's clutching at straws as I'm finally using a voice of my own, we all do soon enough :)

Misspixietrix · 26/09/2011 12:45

sorry I x-posted you bellsring, keep posting on here the ladies on here are fab and are worth their weight in gold, gives a group hug and puts the kettle on Brew Biscuit x

Misspixietrix · 26/09/2011 12:56

Bejeezus ((((hugs)))) we all have little peaceful moments don't we? but then we all know they only last a little while x

bejeezus · 26/09/2011 13:30

bellsring

I relate to everything you have said but particularly these bits;

constantly cast as the wicked,evil,conniving one,always plotting something against him

so you never knew what the current state of your relationship was - NO emotional security.

I actually started to believe that I WAS plotting something; that I had some back stabbing underhand plan in which obviously HE was a victim for some kind of benefit for myself--its flipping bonkers. I REALLY thought I was doing this subconsciously because he couldnt just be making it up. Why would someone make stuff like that up?

its projection I think isnt it? Ive realised now that he accused me of a lot of the things he was guilty of

bellsring · 26/09/2011 13:33

Yes, it's mindf.....g

bejeezus · 26/09/2011 13:37

barbie

big news indeed

Its comforting to know you are at the same place (although Im sorry you are)

From this side of telling DCs and a few guilt ridden and very painful hours on, I would say YES you are crazy for considering counselling! But we've all got to do what we've got to do.

How old are your DCs? do you know what you are going to say and how? It feels like an enormous stride towards seperating as opposed to all the tiny tiny baby steps I made up until now. It was the hardest step but actually feels like its making seperating more real.

Does anyone feel like there is 2 of you?? I feel like there is me in this awful marriage looking after DCs and trying to shield them from what is happening, still a bit in denial about what is going on and what needs to happen. But there is this other me that is a bit of an Android, a bit devoid of emotion which is taking the necessary steps to end the marriage and get us seperated. My Survival Android?

whattodoandwhentodoit · 26/09/2011 14:37

Hi - another newbie. Have been lurking for about a week because this thread makes me quite emotional Sad. I tend to flit between thinking I need to do something NOW and sticking my head in the sand. I suppose this is the first step though...