Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Bibi, was your cat the daft bint that spent hours up a sodding tree? and you climbed up and got her IIRC?

MmeO, thank you for putting all that work into the new thread :)
Also, I am very much liking your posts everywhere atm.

It's quite tingly to see so many women moving into a new phase of freedom!

Hissy
He does indeed know how it feels to be replaced - doesn't know who tho. Given that DP is younger, fitter, gorgeous and erm...everything he isn't it would really hurt!

Garlic - thank you, but just copying from the others hard work! It was Vivee who started the original support thread. How are you?
Icantstopeating - there is a lot of aftercare needed after we leave these twats. It takes however long it takes. Read, listen, don't be afraid to ask for help!
Bibi has your cat returned?
Ragazza - my ex would do this, make inappropriate remarks when all was doing was watching a TV programme. The physical symptoms you describe are alarming - we have most of us felt like this - it is what happens when you suppress all the pain and anger on a daily basis. It is our bodies reacting to our denial and stress.
He is CHOOSING to act like this. You are telling yourself that you must tolerate it because you care for him, but you dont have to, not at all. When the situation is affecting you as badly as it is, it is time to admit the severity of the way he is treating you. You are even saying that you don't care if anyone reads it
Well we do care, because we have been there, and I speak for all of us when I say, please keep posting, because you need to know that this is NOT destined to be your lot in life, that he is wielding his depression like a heavy blunt object, and he placing all the weight on YOU. There is no excuse for this.

Can I just pop in and post this please for anyone worried about becoming a single parent?

Being a single mother is the most rewarding thing that ever happened to me after I left my XP.

It's such hard work, to be mummy, daddy (assuming he's not around as much or at all) a friend, good cop, bad cop, Santa, The Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny etc......

But, YOU get all of the cuddles, YOU get all of the 'I love you's, YOU get all of the Christmas cards made at school, YOU get all of the pictures to stick on the fridge.......

YOU get all the credit for raising this little person, this clever, loved, little person. YOU get to be their constant, their safety, their world. And in some ways, they become YOURS.

Yes, it can be lonely and bloody hard work at times but being a little bit lonely on occasion is MUCH better than being a little bit scared, a little bit hit, a little bit raped.

It's completely normal and actually expected to be scared and worried about this sudden physical upheaval in life. It's only physical because if you are going to leave/throw him out, you have already detached yourself emotionally. Or are at least in the process of doing so.

Build yourself a strong network of friends, go to new places, playgroups, local SureStart centres. You'll be amazed at just how many people there are out there, just like you, who want the very best for their child/ren.

Reach out to offers of help. Take it. Build yourself back up. You can be a single parent and you can survive. It's not forever is it? It's just for now whilst you rebuild your family.

Don't rush into replacing 'Daddy/father figure'. Take your time to heal. Take your time to get yourself back, the real you. Take your time to breathe again and feel safe.

Herhissy I remember you from ages ago - years in fact. I think we had a few rows in previous lives! Nothing nasty, just general I'm right/you're wrong kinds of arguments. Nothing we both can't handle.

Icantstopeating - I was wondering if you are receiving counselling? I worry about your name - are you overeating? Or are you just eating a bit more than you should but your weight is steady? I'm sure there are ways to get your life together a bit more - as mouse suggests above.

So, day 2 AS (after solicitor). She said I need to detach, but I still live with the bugger. He's going through a massive change, more needy of me in that quiet way that men often are - don't say anything until it's almost too late. All in all it's a good time to separate, I have almost seen a way forward. I'm moving out of London, but not for a year at least. That way I can afford a property big enough for me and dcs and there is cash left for him to buy somewhere.

The solicitor didn't say much to me about the EA - but the DV centre said I was low risk and I believe that's about right. Letting go of the EA as an issue in deciding our futures has actually helped. I'm not letting go of it personally, in fact it is this that is driving the separation, but it's easier to look upon it as a sad separation, a falling out of love. If he chooses to antagonise me I will have all the support I need behind me and will deal with that as soon as it crops up.

So now it's time to get my house in order... can't wait til dcs are back at school.

oh really barbie?....

Dunno what we'd have spatted about, but it could have been when I was in denial mode wrt my relationship, I might have said a pile of shite, that I'd be mjortified over now.... when in those normalising or bust phases, we defend our lives first, apply logic second!

You are on the right track now barbie, it should be relatively plain sailing from here on in. tough, emotional, but you now have your focus, your objective, your dream - work toward it at all times!

((((hugs)))))

Icantstopeating - I can feel the fear in your posts as I read them, the fear of the unknown. I really hope that these threads can become your place of safety, as they have for many others

Allboxedin - I'm going to have look at your thread.

HH - and your link, I bet you don't even recognise yourself do you?

Barbie - thank you. You have put my current thinking into a much clearer, helpful and more eloquent format than I have managed.

"Letting go of the EA as an issue in deciding our futures has actually helped. I'm not letting go of it personally, in fact it is this that is driving the separation, but it's easier to look upon it as a sad separation, a falling out of love. If he chooses to antagonise me I will have all the support I need behind me and will deal with that as soon as it crops up."

In my situation, I have judged that this is going to be the best way forward in terms of managing our ongoing relationship. I think we have a chance of staying civil for the kids.

Feel a bit muddled but only really when he is here - he has left for the day 'to give me some space', so much clearer now. Did suggest that I choose some clutter I want to be dealt with! Have had some really helpful conversations with RL friends who have reminded me of the issues and both said they think I'm doing the right thing and I have to stay strong. And that it doesn't matter right now if we're approaching counselling from different angles - it will still help both of us come to terms with and understand whatever happens. We have an appt tomorrow.

If I disappear it's because being on the thread is causing me massive anxiety - just feel if he came across it it could derail everything if he felt accused of things. So that will be where I've gone, don't worry. Thank you all SO MUCH for your support in this.

and thank you, Mouse. He will definitely be in their lives, in my vision cordially living nearby - said I was an optimist. It's heartening to hear your account of being a single mum, though! I am lucky in that I'm really confident we both have strong relationships with the kids.

Not meaning to brag about my poster-child split, btw, only 20 hours in and fully aware there's plenty of time for it all to go massively tits up, probably hundreds of times over.

argh why won't MN let me post?!

Hi helpme - have you been warned of the risks of joint counselling? In abusive relationships this can often work against the victim as the abuser uses it to downplay his behaviour and focus on the victim's confusion. This happened to me a few times. We would see a counsellor and I would leave frustrated because somehow nobody listened to me!

So be careful, read up about this. It took me a while to work out but I now know that this behaviour is WRONG, but also that he can't stop himself - it's his only means of emotional survival, so there's very little point in trying to get him to see that by making it an issue.

Try to let him do most of the talking and hopefully the counsellor will see through his words. In my experience dp kept setting me up to react. He would skillfully recall every minor incident where I had 'lapsed', behaviourally, making me feel defensive and generally get angry. That made me look like a complete nutter.

Needless to say he has no intention of seeing a counsellor alone and now I have seen through him and detached, he isn't keen for me to go with him either.

HH I'm a bit of a feisty old mare sometimes! I make my own mind up about things, not the easiest way to get through a debate. I try to see both sides of an argument too and this sets me at a distinct disadvantage on many mn threads.

I think it's just about a desperate need to use my brain in the absence of having someone at home that I can have a decent discussion with. A while ago I had the time to debate and discuss but as you know I have more important things to worry about now so don't get involved too much.

I wonder if anyone wants to do this with me?

I need to seperate our clutter, decades of jumbled intertwined living, most of it shite, often there just to prove something (paperwork) or to mark territory (cds and guitars). My refuge is the kitchen that he doesn't get involved in but every other space he just clutters up and disorganises. He's taking over like some kind of mad space invader, eating up every square inch and then when the space is all gone, having a total reshuffle so he can start it all up again, on his terms, so he knows where everything is and I don't. I am very organised, but just not very good at keeping it that way. My kitchen is completely in order, but everything anyone else gets involved in is chaos.

Thank you - this is our third 'go' at counselling (in three years) and I am basically doing it so he can't say I didn't. I have no intention of being talked into changing my mind and tbh haven't rated either of the relate counsellors I've seen before. I'm not going to label it 'abuse' and I will stick to my script 'I'm not happy, I can't see a happy future for us, it's best this happens now' if pressed. I have examples I can raise - I know he'll be remorseful in front of her but I just have to remember that he thought about one example I gave him yesterday (the mean/putdown/dismissive response to the nice emails about my writing) then came to bed justifying it. In fact he said 'but you can't have been upset about that because you know I'm supportive of your writing'. And that there sums the whole fucking thing up. #thanksforthesoundbite

barbie EERIE. I can't bring myself to do the task he 'set' me today - telling him what clutter I want to get rid of. I can't even see it anymore! Does that make any sense??! he would then say 'so why the fuck are we splitting up over it'

I do feel sad for him that he thinks decluttering the house would solve our problems, though - is there a [deluded] face?

Aw, thanks for asking after my cat in the midst of the very real problems actually being discussed here.

Yep, there she was this morning, bold as brass, lying on the bathroom mat, purring away. Little git, she does this to me sometimes and everytime I'm convinced I'll never see her again

Hissy - one of my furries stuck up a tree for hours? The very idea of him doing something so common

Going to catch up with the rest of the thread this evening, busy busy busy at work again more's the pity. How IS anyone supposed to keep up with their MN when the phone keeps ringing, tsk.

helpme. Why he suggested you do some decluttering? Is it because he knows it's one of the worst jobs in the world to you - worse than cleaning a toilet or a dirty pan. It's the one thing you DON't want to do, which is why he's asking you to do it. Or am I completely wrong? How would it seem if he'd said to you 'you may as well start on cleaning the toilet then'?

Regarding the writing thing - he perhaps doesn't see the put-down. He sees what he means, but not how what he says affects you. Or on a more suspicious level, he might support your writing because if he didn't you would run a mile. I'm right there with you. Mine is supporting me to go to college in 'words' but in reality, through his actions, he's doing the exact opposite.

helpme: he he he, I have an idea of how you can get rid of a whole load of clutter... show him the door!!

Stop listening to these men, they say the opposite to what they mean, everything is about THEM and making themselves happy AT YOUR expense.

Making you miserable actually brings some level of happiness/satisfaction into their sad little abuser lives!

HM, you don't have to do tasks he sets you. Especially this task, which isn't a 'doing' task but a 'reporting' one. It's a bloody stupid idea; what purpose does it serve to tell him that? The parallels with barbie's stbx are remarkable. They must have been in the same class at Abuse School

I have got a clutter suggestion for you, barbie, though I don't know if it's workable in your situation. It's to pack and tidy your clutter, and DC's, but leave his where he put it (move and replace it if necessary.) Get dozens of plastic crates or similar for your packing & sorting. My thinking is that there's no advantage in trying to stop him "scent-marking" your home with his stuff. But you can still organise your life and mind - in a parallel process, if that makes sense.

Erm, does it?

Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome. Barbie, I really can't stop eating, I've put on two stone but do keep fit and was quite slim anyway, so not too overweight and still fit in my size 12's (only just). I've also done a few years of therapy too but not ex specific, my therapist felt I would be better to focus on me. I did go to relate with my ex who actually told me some couples are better off apart - my ex would not engage in the process. I then went back to relate because I wanted to deal with some of the issues (they keep raising their head and I couldn't understand why I wasn't moving on) that's when the therapist suggested I was had been in an EA relationship - I found it hard to take in. After all, I'm a professional, well educated, confident (with low self esteem) woman! Anyway, it's been a difficult process, I've had to completely change the way I view myself. I've had to accept that I was with a man who abused me. It's not easy to accept.

What is it about when he retells a story from a few years ago and it has no bearing to what was actually happening? So he talks about that 'there was nothing in the area to do' when actually it was more the case that 'I didn't want to go on any of the organised excursions'. Or 'everything shut really early' rather than 'I didn't get up until 12.00 most days'. Or the stories where his take is completely unrelated to what other people would be interested to hear - goes on about negative detail instead of what the dcs enjoyed. Why can I not remember anything he has said to anyone that makes me feel proud and good about my relationship with him? Just a catalogue of embarrassing introverted moaning?

My friend just got back from a weekend away and she said that she just enjoyed being together with dp, away from dcs, they could do stuff they wouldn't normally. I couldn't bear for him to whisk me away for the weekend. How awful is that.

garlic lol at 'scent-marking' - I've been calling it that for years.

I have trouble dealing with the dcs stuff now, they are old enough to sort themselves out to a certain extent.

My mum took DS for the day once, to give us some time together. My initial gut reaction was Arghhh, shit!

herhissy. We are not supposed to react like that are we! We're supposed to go and put on our best frock after recovering from a romantic swoon!