I am being deliberatly vague sorry.

[PrisonerZero]

Say, for example a person was in a bad relationship, a non violent (as yet) but highly critical, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, controlling relationship where the male partner drinks to excess and the female partner dreads the afternoon as it gets closer and closer to the time he will be home. As well as having her own older DC she also has a small baby, her current partner is this childs father and on the birth certificate.

The female realises she needs to end the relationship but is scared to do so - mainly because he has told her repeatidly that he would take the baby away (baby is less than 3 months old and breastfed). She believes that he would 100% take the baby. He would take him from her arms even, or the second she turned her back. He would take him from his bed in the middle of the night, or from the pram when out walking. If he was locked out he would find a way to get in. He is on the babys birth certificate and has parental responsibility. He wouldn't hurt the baby.

What could the female do to pre-emptivily stop this happening? How could she be sure that she wouldn't lose her child? Is there any way of getting anything down on paper saying that he can't take the child away without him knowing that she has done it?

Totally agree....enough is enough.

In addition to what AlOuiseG said, don't forget that if you search out a book on Amazon, say (for eg) the Lundy Bancroft one, it will come up at the bottom of the screen next time you (or your H!!!) log on as an instant recommendation, along with other books on abusive relationships.
I did this, to see what this book that everyone raves about on here was like, and DH was a bit when he saw the recommendations!
You might prefer that your H does not know the info you're researching.

Thank you - I had been looking at that book on Ebay, I have looked at loads of random things now so hopefully it wont come up? I do delete my internet history too.

I have tried to ring WA again and also the number from the link (thank you) the NDVH but I get the same message, I checked and it is the same number (the one that ends in 24/7) I looked for my local one on the site and called but I must have just missed them as the answerphone says they close at 5pm. I will try again in the morning. It does give an emergency number though for out oh hours calls for housing etc.

I can't really post now as I have not long got in and the car is on the drive but he isn't here, I have no idea when he might come home so don't want to be on this thread or on the phone when he does.

I didn't realise I was making excuses for him. Mad how you automatically slip into it.

I can't just disappear or run away, he would kill me when I got back. I know it sounds crazy but that seems scarier than telling him face to face, or waiting until he is acting up and calling the police.

OP you said at one point that you were too scared to involve any professionals incase they contacted social services? But you also say that social services have already been involved.
Surely social services should be involved in order to protect your children?

Or at least have people on hand to step in quickly if it all does kick off when you tell him.

You must let the relevant authorities know what is happening and what you are planning to do. Please, call the police DV unit - or even go there in person. They are so well-up on DV now you will only find support. They understand how hard this is for you but they also know the danger you are in - they are very well trained these days. If you are PMing your details to people on here - just in case - then tbh the relevant authorities, with the right power, need those details. You say that ss have been involved in the past, ex knows there have been problems, the school also know that things aren't right - do you see that everything is primed and ready to help you? I am so concerned that you are considering telling him when you are alone with just the baby. You know that something terrible could happen because you are sending out your details to make sure he 'doesn't get away with it'. How about if he doesn't get the chance to do anything in the first place?

I really do appreciate that you are feeling overwhelmed OP - I have been there too. I hope you can understand why it is hard for us to stand back without issuing dire warnings. I also know what it's like to think he could do something awful but you're past caring - but, if something did happen to you and the baby, your older children would never recover, do you see? Plus there's your parents, your ex, your siblings, your friends - they would all have to live with the terrible heartache of what happened. From those of us who have made that step, I promise you that the build up is far worse than the actual step. Please, contact the right people right now - I know you have been trying re WA but there are other avenues, most notibly the police.

Keep going, you're going to get there. We're all behind you.

Zero

I have your PM and will keep it. I hope I never need it.

Get out. If he does anything to your house, he can be arrested and charged for criminal damage, he can also be charged for trespassing if he is in the house without your permission.

Don't worry about the house, you have to worry about YOU and the children.

Contact SS. They will be able to help you and they can work quickly to get you the help that you need. Whatever you need.

Sorry, I realised once I saw the number it was WA. I'll have a look for support in your area and post links to you via PM.

You need some help. Can you call your friend(s)?

Is this the number you have been calling 0808 2000 247 It's a 24 hour Helpline.

Take your bag and your dc and go to your local police station where they will make the necessary calls to find you temporary accomodation which will hopefully be in a women's refuge where you will receive all the support and help you need to get him out of your life once and for all.

This is NOT something you should attempt to do on your own; the man is a bully and there is no knowing how he will react.

DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE 21st. LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN

I suspect that once you have told the truth about your life with him and invoked the law, the big strong boasting bully will be revealed as an abject coward.

I can't just disappear or run away, he would kill me when I got back After you have left him, you will only be going back to your home when he is unable to hurt you in any way. Please don't give him opportunity to cause you and your dc any more pain and suffering.

Zero,

I've been following your thread with all my fingers crossed - I hope you can get out soon. Re Womens Aid - although they're not answering the phone, have you tried emailing them? They won't be able to call you back, but you could maybe ask if they've got a drop-in surgery near you (they often run them at Surestarts and the like) and if they've got any refuge spaces nearby? The address is [email protected] - might be worth a try from an address your P doesn't have access to?

Good luck. I'm really impressed at how strong you're sounding.

izzy - that's it. It's also on the domestic abuse site that I posted earlier, thinking it was a different site.

I've just read this thread and I'm so sorry to her what you've been going through. I just wanted to add my support and agreement with everyone who is saying that you need to get you and your children somewhere safe NOW. Please don't wait.

Hi Prisoner - I don't know if you remember me from the antenatal group, but I have been thinking about you and your kids and wondering how you are, although I haven't been on Mnet in a couple of weeks, and I have just stumbled across this thread. I felt so terrible to read the extent of your problems but I'm pleased you are finding the strength to leave this bully.

I can only add my support to all the advice you have had from women here, and also say that I think you should leave now, with the help and support of the Police's DV unit, your friend and your ex-h. Please let them all know what is happening and the threats he has made, I think its really important they know what is happening. It sounds to me like he is wising up to the fact that you are getting stronger and moving away from this relationship.

He sounds like a monster; I should know, I grew up with someone who sounds exactly like your partner, my step-dad for 8 years. My mum, a strong, intelligent woman, took that long to get away from him, so you are doing amazingly well by yourself and your children.

Stay strong x

WA email addy: [email protected]

(don't know why that isn't coming up as a link)

Oh Zero he really is awful. You are doing so well to hold onto who you are in the face of this terrible abuse. You must believe the people on this thread when they tell you how bad he is, and how bad this situation is.

I started a thread like this a while back (different name). Everyone was metaphorically screaming at me to get out NOW, but I felt like everyone was overreacting, that if I left before the date we'd agreed, the problems I would face would be too huge, that H would be too angry. I took a lot of steps to make things safer, mainly to humour people and to feel that at least I was doing something. Mostly, though, I was scared of leaving and how angry H would get when I did. Things got worse and worse, and in the end I had to jump ship before the 'agreed' date because he just got crazier and crazier as that date approached. I worry for you. I know you haven't told him you're leaving but I worry that your partner will sense a change in you and get wind of things and will up the ante.

This date of the 21st could be to give yourself time to accept that you're really going to leave him. But you may be forced to leave sooner for your own safety. So please get some support in place. Have people/institutions you can call on. Be ready to leave quickly without worrying about where key things are.

If you're leaving soon, how could SS be anything other than supportive? That's their job! If you don't get through to WA, speak to your HV/doctor/police/SS directly. Apart from helping to keep you and your babies safe now, having a record of the problems will all be useful if you ever have to go to court. (I was in another country when I was in your position, so I can't be sure what the process is here, but I told SS about H and they were happy as I told them I was leaving very soon after I spoke to them.)

oh Zero you need to get out. Phone WA, or SS, or the police. I don't think you see the enormity of the situation or the danger you or your kids may be in.

Zero - what are you going to do today? What can you do? Is there anyway you can try WA, SS, HV, GP, the local police to ask about domestic violence support?

When you first posted, you posted in the third person, you could always do that again with the police if you'd rather not tell them your details at this point?

You don't have to give your name, you can remain completely anonymous.

You HAVE TO do something to push this date (21st) out of the way and make your lives safer NOW.

Like ThereGoesTheFear said, the date seems to be holding you back or giving you time to deal the deal in your own mind but, like her, your hand is being forced each time he talks to you like that, threatens you. She has been in your shoes so listen to her.

As I said to you too, he will up the ante if he suspects you are making plans to leave so you need to act quickly, just get the essentials, documents, clothes and money. Any photo albums that you want to take.

Don't focus on moving him out, focus on making you safe!

You could have him arrested for threats to kill right now.

The police have met people like him so many times. They know how he thinks, they know that cards he'll play, they know the lies he'll tell. They will believe and protect you.

E-mail Women's Aid and ask them to call you. Go out with your friend and then use that time to make plans.

What are you going to do?

Zero, I really hope you are okay and that you are safe - I've just seen your comment about the PM.

Thinking of you and your DC.

I just wanted to quickly check in, I haven't had chance to get onto the computer today and didn't want to worry anyone by not posting. My phone wont load long threads properly so can't read but thought I would post this.

That's great OP. thanks, stay careful.

I too think you should go now chick, if not to a friend's or family then a refuge. I know it's easy for me to say but I know someone who went to one because she was living in an isolated place and her and her 3 children stayed there for a week, and she wasn't going through half of what you are going through.

He is a Coward and a bully and he will not kill you. What on earth do his 'friends' say when he calls you a cunt and ridicules you in such graphic detail? He sounds seriously disturbed.

I don't think i could wait until next Wednesday but i guess if this is the way he treats you constantly then in your mind, another week is nothing. It is just so distressing and sad to read.

Stay strong. And my god, how FANTASTIC will life be when this 'man' is not in it. Because frankly, life in a prison cell would be better wouldn't it?

she has the advice & the info, she obviously isnt going to leave so I dont understand why posters keep on and on saying leave leave when she is obviously ignoring it.

shrugs - its her choice at the end of the day to leave her kids in this situation, she has lots of choices and information.

shrugs again and feels sorry for kids

(wonders if notherdaynotherdollar is married to Fred )

To be fair notherday, we all know that. However, there are a lot of people who will be watching/reading this thread, in a similar situation to Zero who will leave.

Zero - any luck with WA or the links posted?

notherday(in addition to the point made by Mouseface) maybe she isn't going to leave yet but that doesn't mean that the info and comments on this thread won't help her get closer to the point where she is ready to go.

From what I remember Notherday the op is waiting till she sees her new solicitor on the 21st, before she makes any moves to leave/ask him to leave...which if you had fully read all the posts here you might understand.

Hope you are ok op, keep strong