I am being deliberatly vague sorry.

[PrisonerZero]

Say, for example a person was in a bad relationship, a non violent (as yet) but highly critical, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, controlling relationship where the male partner drinks to excess and the female partner dreads the afternoon as it gets closer and closer to the time he will be home. As well as having her own older DC she also has a small baby, her current partner is this childs father and on the birth certificate.

The female realises she needs to end the relationship but is scared to do so - mainly because he has told her repeatidly that he would take the baby away (baby is less than 3 months old and breastfed). She believes that he would 100% take the baby. He would take him from her arms even, or the second she turned her back. He would take him from his bed in the middle of the night, or from the pram when out walking. If he was locked out he would find a way to get in. He is on the babys birth certificate and has parental responsibility. He wouldn't hurt the baby.

What could the female do to pre-emptivily stop this happening? How could she be sure that she wouldn't lose her child? Is there any way of getting anything down on paper saying that he can't take the child away without him knowing that she has done it?

poor DCs sorry did not mean poo

Zero

Every post that you write is stronger than the last, brighter than the last, braver than the last.

You are doing so well.

Sorry about asking if you loved him/was in love with him, I guess I wanted to know if he could win you back in any way. I know that he can't now.

He sounds utterly vile. The more you post about the way he treats you and the children disgusts me beyond belief.

He doesn't deserve you or them. What kind of person says such horrible stuff to a mother? I mean really? He really feels that way about your children? Vile.

That's what you need to keep in the front of your mind. All of the time. The nastiness, the cruelty, the sheer evil in his words and actions, keep that at the front of your mind.

When you are ready to tell him, when you take that step, make sure you have everything you will need to carry on without him.

And when you have caught your breath, you will need to change the locks. Get a new mobile and land line number. You will need to let the DC's school/s know and also the family GP and dentist that you are no longer with him (assuming that you are all registered under the same family name) but definitely school as the DC may be upset and unsettled for a while.

Have a look HERE for advice on what you can claim, or update them if you already do. Also let child benefit know that you are now single and living as a single parent.

CBA and WA can help with all of that.

You said you have an Android phone? Maybe post a quick 'hello' from your phone until you get your new laptop lead so we know you are ok?

Thank you all, really difficult to post on this phone but just popped in to let you know the dc and I are ok. Fingers crossed my new lead comes tomorrow I am lost without the laptop! He as per bloody usual is in the pub. I called to find out what benefits I am entitled to when he is gone, I will get child tax, child benefit, income Support and housing benefit, I will be better off as he won't be drinking all the money.

Also spoke to the school today and said that only me or their dad could pick them up, sometimes one of their uncle picks them up so it would have been easy for him to pretend to be one. Not tIat he would want to take them but because it would be am ideal way to hurt me. I didn't tell the school why though.

Thank you for the links and numbers, I will work my way through them.

(((Zero)))

So, he is sexist, homophobic, misogynistic etc.... Yet you say he is popular and well-liked?
By whom? Not your friends, certainly.
I hope you can wind this up very soon. I feel so much for your DCs having this twat in their lives. And you, of course.

WOW!!

You are a fast mover Zero! You have got so much done in the last few days. Solicitors, school, friends, tax credits! It took me ages to get my head together and in the end, the support workers at the hostel did most of the paperwork for me!

Maybe when he has gone you should tell the school why. Best that they know he could potentially cause a great deal of upset to you and why he would want to.

Your main concern has to be the children and if him turning up at school unannounced means they get upset, then the staff need a reason why really.

He's not their natural father so has no right to remove them from school I don't think, if he is/was just your partner I mean. You will have to let school know who is going to be picking them up on what days and may even have to arrange a password for the person collecting them to give to the staff.

I can't believe how much you've gotten done. Fantastic

After my H died, a couple of members of his family confessed that they had always wondered how a woman like me ended up with a man like him... people may appear to like someone yet you never really know what they really think and self centered arses are usually spotted

He seems to have different personalities for different people, his nan for example. He would never swear in front of her, or drive dangerously. In front of his friends he is still nasty but makes out its all a joke. He told me he had had bad luck with women, that all his exes were nutters. What a joke, I used to be jealous of them when we were first together, now I envy them. They are free and I'm still stuck with him.

I think in my head I realised what I needed to do when I was still pregnant but never had the energy, I thought things would get better but deep down knew they wouldn't so started to detach from him ages ago. I seriously cannot put up with him for much longer. It was only last week when my son answered me back and I heard P in his voice, I thought there is no way I am allowing him to influence my children and have them turn out like him. It made me angry, and I think that's the driving force behind the change in me. And resentment.

I will tell the school when everything else is in place.

Ironically all his family have said he has calmed down since he met me.

I always hoped my H would go back to his ExW and in fact, after he died I found some photos of a jolly little holiday they took together when our DD was young - he went away to Athens to watch the Olympics leaving me behind!

What a sad man my H was; when he was dying he said to me, 'well you got what you wanted'; I didn't want death, why would I wish that on anyone? I wanted freedom to exist without fear.

You have to free yourself from this Zero, and the quicker the better.

He sounds pretty typical of the abuser type. Unfortunately many of them appear to be pillars of the community, charming to outsiders, very concerned about their own public image. But a different story for the poor woman stuck at home with him, when no-one can see his real character.

Once you're rid, all sorts of people will crawl out of the woodwork and express relief for you - they won't have wanted to upset/worry you up till then.

Any luck with WA yet?

I rather think that abusive men just claim that everyone loves them (and it's only their partners who 'don't appreciate them' and thus get abused) when in fact the majority of people are quite aware that the man is an inadequate little shit and they just put up with him, mainly because most people don't like to rock the boat or cause a scene. If an abuser actually has friends, they are likely to be unpleasant, inadequate people themselves.

Come on Fess up, who asked for the thread title to be changed? I was annoyed with myself over the spelling mistake but now its corrected itself

If he can behave properly around other people then to my mind, he chooses to treat me the way he does, its not that he can't help it or that he wants to change but doesn't know how, its deliberate. I've read enough relationship threads on here to see that.

My main stopping point was his family, I see them a lot and felt sorry that I wouldn't be around anymore, but he came back from the pub saying that his mum had said stuff about my dc, that they pinched her etc, no way is that true, and although he is probably lying and it was never said at all I am not taking part in stupid game playing and am staying away from the lot of them. He probably just wants me to tell the dc off. For the record my dc are really good and don't do half the stuff he tells me they do. I have never left them alone with him.

He wants me to come away with him this weekend, to stay with some of his other family but I have said no. He isn't happy about it but I am not trapping myself miles away.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you OP. :)

you are doing so well, am really proud of you.

Good luck zero!

By the way, you know you have a right to not stay in a relationship with him, and that it's your house and you can chuck him out at any time right? I wouldn't recommend doing it without the police present. Personally I'd let him go for the weekend, pack his stuff away, have the locks changed and tell him he's out on Monday (with the police present!!!!!) He has physically threatened the lot of you, make that clear to whoever you ask for support in evicting him.

I'm really worried he's going to turn violent on you and your kids, I think you need to get him out ASAP and worry about child support etc later. All the best x

Zero - did your lead arrive or are you still on your phone?

When you said you weren't going to go away, what did he say? Did you have to give him an excuse?

Be careful, he may start to get suss about your plans to get rid of him if you change yourself too much IYSWIM. Which is stupid because you need to change to move forward but the last thing you need is for him to get his fists out.

That may well be the next level, if he sees that the threats are no longer working and that you're not afraid of him any more, there's a chance that he'll step up a gear.

Just be careful.

Have you got your DS's birth certificare back yet?

And a bag at your friends, just in case?

Keep doing, you are getting there!

'certificate' sorry.

'going'

I am back on the laptop now, really pleased the lead arrived so quick!

I haven't got the birth certificate back yet, but I didn't expect to as I wont be seeing them until the weekend - well the Dementor will be seeing them, I am staying in (mainly so I don't end up asking wtf the whole 'piching' thing is about, and also so I don't have a nice time and allow any doubts to creep in. I need to detach myself from all of them, not just him). I will start getting a migraine or something in advance. I do get them so not to suspicious to get one. I said I didn't want to stay at his relatives because I am breastfeeding and know I would spend hours sat in a room on my own as he feeds every hour and a half day and night so I would be uncomfortable (true) which hasn't been a problem as he knows this is true (He wouldn't want me to breastfeed infront of anyone male, I don't care where I feed him)

I think he senses that I am unhappy but doesn't care enough to make an issue of it, he used to get jealous when I went out (twice since i've met him) and complain about what I wore, he would get mad if I talked to anyone, shop assistants, male friends etc, would question me endlessly, phone me up to 30 times a day. I was convinced he had tapped my phone, or was somehow recording inside the house, I stopped telling anyone anything. I worked out eventually it was just clever guess work. He doesn't care what I wear now, not that I wear anything other than jeans. Not since I got pregnant and he decided no-one would want me anymore. I don't have a huge selection of clothes anymore as they didn't meet the critera, to low, to short, worn them when I was with an ex, to scruffy. Can't wait to go shopping for clothes.

He has been having a strop because my friend has been round every other day, not that it makes a difference to him as he isn't here but he doesn't like it. He is just one huge contradiction, moaning that I eat to much/that i've been wasting food by not eating it, that I eat to much chocolate/buys me chocolate, that I sit in the house on my arse all day/that I am sneaking out.

He also thinks I am trying to send him mad. He seriously believes this. He thinks I am manipulating the baby against him, he keeps going on about me telling him (the baby) that I love him. He thinks I am implying he doesn't by saying I do. Wierdo. I need to make him man up - I treat him like a baby, I had to laugh when he said that! He isn't even 3 months old, he IS a baby.

I was thinking about what SGB said, about them thinking they are popular. When he goes out at the weekends it is always with one friend in particular and his (the dementors) family. When he goes anywhere its with his family, everything is with his family! He does go out on his own on week nights and has recently been talking about some friends he meets there, i've never seen them! Maybe they don't exsist. These friends definately don't call or text him, his phone is always laying around and the only people that text him are.... you guessed it! His family!! Maybe he isn't the social butterfly he thinks he is.

This is so theraputic, writing everything down, stops me screaming at him for a start, and reminds me of what I can have if I am strong and brave.

The 21st seems to long away!

I've been lurking for ages, Zero. I just wanted to wish you well. You've done amazingly well in such a short space of time. I'm loving your list of things you'll do when you get your freedom. Not long now. I second the advice to try to keep a lid on the fact that you're pulling away from him.

I might be posting too far in advance by saying this, but I'd just warn you zero about the feeling sorry for him thing. Abusers are masters at getting you to feel sorry for them (probably a big reason why you ended up with him in the first place?). His family may also pile on the emotional blackmail. Please don't be fooled: the getting you to pity him - especially if he puts on a stupendous show of how crushed he is that you left; crying; begging; promising to change; saying he has always loved you, knows he is unreasonable, only does it because you are precious to him, the love of his life, he's too frightened to lose you; making extravagant promises to change, showering you with gifts and being tender and very loving and sweet - is just another trick to control you, a devastatingly effective trick. If you do pity him and feel you are a seriously wicked person to have even thought of doing that to him (after all, he needs you, right? and he is being so sweet, kind, loving) and then change your mind and stay with him... then God help you because the pathetic act will stop like the flick of a switch and he will be vicious, worse than ever ever before. so don't fall for it zero, ok? harden your heart. xx

Thank you for the support, it means so much.

I am worried about the whole begging thing. We have nearly split up before, before I realised he was an abusive knob, over something else. I told him I wanted him to leave and he cried, begged, sobbed, wrote letters, sent emails, called, text - and that was whilst he was still actually in the house! He never left, but bombarded me with his hopes and dreams, promises, declarations of love etc. Sad puppy eyes etc. And of course I felt sorry for him - he had done wrong and I felt sorry for him!! Made an effort to make him happy again etc. Just think if I had follwed through I could have been rid of him by now, I was already pregnant by then so would still have had my baby - who really is the love of my life - but had everything sorted by now. Oh well. Isn't hindsight wonderfull.

I will definately get emotional pressure from his family. I do already in a roundabout way.

Zero it is going to be difficult and obviously he knows how to 'play' you,but you are worth so much more than this - when he looks at you with his puppy dog eyes think what he calls your dc and turn your back.

We're all with you.

I am worried about the whole begging thing. We have nearly split up before, before I realised he was an abusive knob, over something else. I told him I wanted him to leave and he cried, begged, sobbed, wrote letters, sent emails, called, text - and that was whilst he was still actually in the house! He never left, but bombarded me with his hopes and dreams, promises, declarations of love etc. Sad puppy eyes etc. And of course I felt sorry for him - he had done wrong and I felt sorry for him!!

Hindsight.

If only hey? So, you know what's coming don't you? Remember that everything he tells you, everything that he does is for HIMSELF, not you. He'll want to save face, he'll feel like he's failed and I get the feeling this is frowned upon by his mother!

You can get out. You WILL get out and I think you can see that now.

The 21st will be here before you know it! Keep going, keep being the old you for a while longer. Plan your moves. Plan your escape. His demise.

You are strong and you are brave.

OMG, the clothes thing? and the feeling of being spied on. he told me he'd hacked into my email and downloaded and printed every single email I'd ever sent and that he knew EVERYTHING...

he didn't really did he?