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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 03/09/2011 12:35

Glad I have helped in one tiny way.

I think any explaining needs to be done by your husband Angry.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 12:38

I would agree with you FAB - but he hasn't seen them, has he Bree?

TheOriginalFAB · 03/09/2011 12:53

Unless he intends to walk away forever he has to see them some time and he must be the one to tell them.

SugarPasteLadybird · 03/09/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatNorksOfFire · 03/09/2011 19:40

Gosh, Ladybird summed it up nicely really. Yes, catastrophically selfish and appalling behaviour indeed.

Bree, you must still be in a state of utter shock. About 2 weeks ago your 'D'H asked you for a late termination of your planned baby, insisted it was because he couldn't deal with a repeat of the trauma experiencec with your previous premature babies. And then a few days ago he confessed actually he had been having an affair with one of your former employees. My God, any one in the world would want to scream and shout and say it is not fucking fair. Because it is not fair. Not at all. By his account he started this affair shortly after you fell pregnant. What a charmer Hmm

You will cope - mostly because you have to I'm afraid. Lots of us are thrown into situations we would previously never have felt able to cope with in a million years - this is most certainly one of those. But we do cope. It is sink or swim really. You will swim because you love and adore all four of your children and will do anything in the world to protect them. Now, you may swim like a swan - serenely on top of the water and paddling like fuck beneath, or you may appear slightly less elegant. Mostly, you will probably be a combination of those things and sometimes people will marvel at your strength and other times you will just want to curl up in a ball and wish for it all to go away. I honestly don't think either of those things makes you any less strong. Displaying emotions is Not A Bad Thing. Feeling emotions most certainly isn't either. Even in front of the children.

Oh, your poor children. I think your H should explain to them actually. They must be wondering where he is. I really feel for them and for you. Where are his parents now? I hope they are still offering you help and support? Perhaps they could mediate a meeting with the children and their father. And then perhaps the gutless fuckwit could explain - in simple and kind terms - what has happened.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2011 23:39

I hope you will be able to let go and really rip at the appointment. And yes, forget the dignified high road. There will be plenty of time for that when all the dust has settled.

blackeyedsusan · 04/09/2011 00:49

once the immediate practicalities are sorted you need time to grieve for your loss, the loss of what you thought was agood husband and family life and future that seemed to be ahead. you need to do that in the way you see fit, be that crying, screaming or something else. take care of yourself.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 04/09/2011 19:08

Asked the PIL to speak to H about the DC, they've been out with them today. H has told the DC what's going on, in gentle terms. Everyone has come home upset and confused. Their world has been shattered. How do I make this better?

Feeling so lost right now Sad

OP posts:
Onemorning · 04/09/2011 19:19

(((Bree)))

I've been following this thread but not commenting, I don't have any advice to offer. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through.

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 19:21

Time, plenty of it, cuddles and tell them you are there for them. Encourage them to talk to you if it helps them.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/09/2011 19:29

Oh crap Sad. Your husband really is a piece of work, right before the kids go back to school as well.

My advice would be to do all you can to reassure the children that they still have you all the time and while things will be different, it doesn't have to mean worse. You do need to find out what he has said to them though.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 23:30

Do you know exactly what they DCs have been told? You need to find out exactly what they understand. (This is why it is often better to tell them yourself).

Then reassure them that they are loved, that none of this is their fault whatsoever, that it is between the adults, that though the adults cannot see any way to mend this between themselves, they all still love the DCs and they are still the DCs' parents though living apart.

Then go about the daily routine as before. Routine is important to DCs. Build in time for extra cuddling and some extra family time though. Maybe a family movie night or family games?

Don't do any thinking out loud for the next few months -- for instance if you lose your keys or burn yourself with a pot in the kitchen, zip it. Go out of your way to do things mindfully so you can appear to be a tower of strength and reliability for the DCs. Keep your keys in the same spot, don't lock yourself out of house or car, don't forget their endless school forms or lose track of who has PE what day.

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2011 00:13

So is this the first time your H has seen the DC since he buggered off? Nice.

Give your children the biggest cuddle and reassure them that they are still very much loved by both of you (even if it does stick in your throat, you have to allow them to still love their father).

at least the Big Tell is out of the way now - now you just have to keep them together with as normal as possible life and love and routine, as Math says.

Allow them to ask as many questions as they need to - and be as sad as they need to (at their ages, it might not be overt for very long but their behaviours might change).

keep going - one foot in front of the other, every day, and remember to eat.

clam · 05/09/2011 14:02

Am wondering how on earth he has managed to "explain" what's been going on - on his part.
"I've been shagging another woman, so I asked your mum to abort your new little brother/sister?"
Or "Mummy and Daddy have had a little disagreement Hmm so we're taking a little time out?"
Neither quite cuts it really.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 05/09/2011 18:36

Am exhausted Sad H has told the DC that mummy and daddy have fallen out and that everything will be back to normal soon. WTF???

Spent last night explaining that daddy did something that made mummy very sad and that I don't know if I can forgive him. I told them that daddy and mummy still love them more than anything and that mummy and daddy are always there for them regardless of where mummy or daddy lives. Then had to boost them up for first day at a new school.

DC seem to be ok today, school took their mind off things I think.

Surely things can only get better?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 05/09/2011 18:39

They can only get better love.

What a total tool he is. he is still in complete denial isn't he? You realise that he seems to have sown the seeds for the blame for the split to be all yours don't you?

Truth will out. All you have to do is to say to H that he is not to spew such crap to the DC, cos one day they will be old enough to hear the real truth and you will make sure they do. with evidence.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 05/09/2011 19:01

Oh bree Sad I had a feeling he would fill them full of crap and agree it will seem like you aren't letting him come home because of your 'falling out' (WTF?!?). Hmm Angry Your version of events is fine, gives a basic outline without going into the ugly details - they will know more when they are older.

I think the amount of time he has gone without asking to see them speaks volumes too - most parents would have been desperate to see their dcs! Urgh he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

It will be helpful for them I think to have the school routine in place, the routine will keep you all ticking along and will I hope give you a little breathing time where you can give yourself time to do whatever you need. I hope you are taking care of yourself and still have family supporting you.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/09/2011 19:02

Things can not get any worse so yes, things will get better but it is going to take a lot of hard work from all of you. You need to tell him not to lie to the children again as things will never get back to how they were. That is not on Angry.

mathanxiety · 05/09/2011 19:39

The truth is a far better tack to take with children. Far better to know than to be living with false hope or confusion. What you said, and you may need to repeat it frequently, is of course much better than his version of events. It is very sad for the children that he got his spake in first.

Please remember this lesson as things unfold down the line. Do not let him take the initiative where dealings with the children are concerned or you will end up putting out fires for years. Either agree with him that a certain line will be followed together, a united front put up in other words, or take the initiative yourself and be the first to tell them (responsibly and with regard for their sensitivity and maturity) what they need to know. Do not trust your H to be a responsible parent to the children in this situation. He is not a responsible adult.

You should tell the school about the family circumstances too.

heleninahandcart · 05/09/2011 20:01

Sadly it does seem to be common for exH to give the impression that he is not there because exW won't let him come home. I do not mean to burden you further, just agreeing with what HerHisseyness and other posters have said. So yes, you will have to take the initiative to be sure they have a gentle version of the truth.

It will get better at some point

Thumbwitch · 06/09/2011 05:32

What math said, especially about letting the school know about the change in circumstances - that way they will know if the children are different, that there is a reason behind it.

Yes it will get better - but if your H feeds the children more lies it could take a while for them to get used to the new status quo. Since he's not behaving responsibly in any way, assume the worst of him - much of the time, you are unlikely to be disappointed :(.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 08/09/2011 13:40

Oh dear lord, help! I've had flowers delivered (not my taste really) and a card. H is sorry for the pain and upset that he has caused and misses me. Said he made a mistake (no shit) and regrets it more than anything. Could we make this work?

I've been doing so well, seeming so calm when all I want to do is curl up and cry, and now this has thrown me. How do I respond? Do I respond?

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 08/09/2011 13:56

How do you WANT to respond? Forget everyone else, just for a moment, what do you want?

Xales · 08/09/2011 14:04

Totally agree with TheOriginalFAB

What do you want?

Not what do you think you should do, what would everyone else suggest you do or taking him back is best for the children.

What do you want?

If you do not know and want time to work it out either way, then you can take as much time as you need, he can live away from you and the pair of you can work your way through this with external help and counselling.

He should understand and be willing to do this to make things work. Not to just move back in, confuse the children and think everything is forgotten and done.

Personally - what a vile person to be telling your children and breaking their hearts 3 days ago and now to be having a change of heart.

Thumbwitch · 08/09/2011 14:10

Agree with FAB - do you want to respond?
He's sent you flowers, ones that you don't particularly like.
He's sent you a card rather than pick up the phone and talk to you.
He's mentioned he's made "a mistake" - that one again? Hmm and regrets it.

Has he actually apologised? I mean, really really apologised for being such a shit at a time when you were pretty vulnerable yourself?

Or is this all just window-dressing, do you think?

Frankly, I don't think he understands at all just how much of a shit he has been. I don't think he understands the depth of the betrayal of his family - his children, his wife and his unborn baby. If it were me, I'd be making damn sure he got a full and explicit explanation of exACTly how shit he has been - and then I'd probably ask him if the tables were turned, how he woudl feel about being with a person who could do that to their family without any consideration.

If he's serious about wanting to make it work, he will work for it. Whether or not you want him back, make him work harder than he currently is - one lousy bunch of flowers and a card hardly constitutes begging forgiveness. IMO.