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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/08/2011 05:16

Glad this thread is now in Relationships.

WreckaJones · 28/08/2011 07:32

Bree Hope you are as ok as you can be and you get some respite from all of this today while your parents have the DCs. I have been lurking on this thread and was hoping an affair wasn't going to be the cause of your H unravelling before your eyes - so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I hope you feel you can continue posting if you want to. We're not all trollhunters.

For the GP diagnosis doubters a locum GP diagnosed my 16 year old niece with Bi-Polar and prescribed her (i think) zoloft. This was on her first and only visit to that particular GP. Within 2 months she had attempted suicide and was in a terrible state and there is now an enquiry going on at the GPs over why and how someone who had clearly not read her medical notes (she has a heart condition recently discovered which has understandably depressed her and she is struggling with) and on the basis of one appointment diagnosed her with bi-polar.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/08/2011 13:13

Bree - I am so sorry. It appears that your husband would prefer to kill his baby and be able to carry on fucking his bit on the side than be a decent person. I have no idea what you are going though but know this. You are an amazing mother to all your children and will continue to be so. You have PIL who will support you and there will always be someone to listen to you on here. I really hope things work out for you and the children and you can move on in your life in a secure and happy way.

LineRunner · 28/08/2011 13:36

I'm glad that this is now moved to relationships. It is fucking horrific to find out when you are pregnant that your DH is having a an affair, and anyone who by whatever means makes light of that or exploits it or dimishes the experience of other real women in any way needs to take a long hard look at themselves and their own fucked-up head.

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2011 13:37

Bree I hope you are ok. At least now you have an explanation of the change and coldness in him, although it still doesn't really explain why he thought killing his baby would be a good idea because that's just horrifying.

Tell who you need to, get the support you need to from your parents and ILs - and whatever you choose to do from now on, I hope it works out for you.

I also hope that you do come back and post on here if you need to - not everyone shouts "troll!" when something is a little out of the ordinary.

tallwivglasses · 28/08/2011 14:15

So sorry. In the late night confusion I thought Bree had been definitely outed the way people were going on.

I was kind of relieved because I didn't want her story to be true.

I've followed the thread from the start and I'm impressed by your dignity and strength, Bree. Very sad for you but I know you and your children will be okay.

PinotsWolefCubs · 28/08/2011 14:27

OK, so what did I miss?

MalibuStac · 28/08/2011 14:45

bree I hope you come back and let is know how you are. There's lots of people on here who want to offer support myself included.

SugarPasteLadybird · 28/08/2011 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 28/08/2011 17:24
Confused
Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 29/08/2011 10:26

Hi,

Sorry its been a few days, I wanted to let things calm down before posting again.

I've told my parents and the ILs and everyone is sad and surprised. This is all totally out of character for H. FIL is still trying to convince me that he's in the throws of some kind if breakdown but I don't care. I went through the 2 pre terms too and I didn't end up cheating, saying awful things about my unborn baby.

I haven't had any contact from H since and I need to keep it that way. It's just too painful and stressful. PIL are hoping that he comes to his senses and that I can forgive and forget but it's not that simple is it?

Feel like such a bad person for washing my hands of him but I just can't cope with it.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 29/08/2011 10:33

you are doing the right thing love, really you are. Isolate yourself from harm, focus on your family, their support and love.

This man needs to be iced out of everything, to cheat on a PG wife, to demand an abortion, a late one to boot, is beyond any notion of human behaviour.

Whatever it is that's driving his inhumanity, you're right, it doesn't matter. It's HIS problem.

You are doing so well to remain so calm and strong, huge hugs and love to you.

warthog · 29/08/2011 10:35

you do what you need to to protect yourself and your kids.

a very un-mn {{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/08/2011 10:37

You have to do what is best for you and your children right now.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 11:28

Bree - I really feel like I want to come round and give you a big hug, make you food and look after your babies for you. If I live near and you can cope with an idiot like me, PM me.

Whatever you decide to do to keep yourself and your children okay, is the right thing to do.

Your husband has betrayed you by shagging someone else but much much worse is the demand for you to get rid of his baby. No one would blame you if you can't ever take him back and/or forgive him for that.

Namechangedman · 29/08/2011 11:28

Bree,

I was stunned by your last but one post, the huge betrayal and cuntishness of this man goes beyond anything that could be said. I posted earlier that I really hoped there was a way he could understand his evil and get a grip on his warped reasoning, because people generally aren't shits. I was wrong to use this generalisation to write about him. I. Hate. This. Man too.

I've had 'mild' PTSD related to miscarriage, I've lived with a depressed partner, it makes you see the world in horrible ways. But for all the fear and black confusion neither of us ever lost sight of what love means to us as he has. I hope that simple thing, and your all round brilliance, means you get all the support you need, here and in RL.

There is nobody in the world who will feel any different. Have a healthy baby, try and cope, and have nothing to do with him. I hope that your life can move on.

PhilipJFry · 29/08/2011 11:35

Don't feel like a bad person, Bree. You are acting very sensibly: you know what you can cope with and what you can't and you're sticking to it. This is a very hard time and what needs focusing on is you and your unborn child and your other children.

Don't be afraid to tell your in-laws that you don't want to talk about this supposed breakdown or anything else if you find it stressful. They're probably very confused and upset and searching for an explanation, but they should do it amongst themselves.

ChippingIn · 29/08/2011 11:45

Bree - I'm glad you have told your parents and your inlaws - they needed to know. I hope you have told some friends and have lots of RL support.

Take it all one day at a time.
x

honeyandsalt · 29/08/2011 12:17

Bree, so good to see you back!

Your XH who must by now be coming to the realisation that he has lost his wife and to a large degree his kids because he's a weak, selfish, spineless idiot (and worse, but it's all been said). I could never forgive myself for what he's done, if he has a shread of humanity the guilt ought to be overwhelming. You can hold your head high. He can't.

I feel sorry for your PIL who desperately want there to be some other explanation, some excuse, because this can't be happening. Don't be too hard on them but don't take them too seriously either, they so badly want this to be down to MH, let them if it's a comfort, but stay firm.

But most of all I feel sorry for you, you must be hurting soooo badly right now, you don't deserve this. I can't even imagine. You are absolutely doing the right thing here, you need to focus on you and your kids. It will get better, slowly.

Stay strong x

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2011 12:21

Bree - glad you came back. You are doing the right thing for you and your children just now. Your family are supporting you, which is great - and what happens in the future with your H is something to forget about for now. Just concentrate on dealing with the situation as it stands, and look after yourself and your new baby. Let your parents and ILs help as much as you can bear with the other DC.

Take care.

4madboys · 29/08/2011 12:33

((bree)) good to see you back :)

glad you have told your inlaws, and whilst i dont agree with them blaming mh, i can understand where they are coming from in hoping that he will get well and you can forgive him etc. they must be hurting too, knowing what their son has done.

i agree with all you are doing, stay strong and lean on others when you need to, take care of yourself xxx

Loonytoonie · 29/08/2011 13:39

I'm glad you're back Bree.

Don't feel bad for stepping away from him - that's called self-preservation. You need to do it. And as fantastic as your IL's are, taking care of yourself and your children (including your bump Smile) means distancing yourself from H until you can gather strength so perhaps a gentle conversation indicating this, is in order. Talking about reasons and resolutions with your IL's is not going to give you the breathing space you need.

There are things to be sorted but not now. Am hesitant to ask about what you're going to tell your DC, but I think that the explanation of 'work commitments' will buy you more time, at least a few more days, that is.

Make sure you look after yourself, and that includes eating and drinking properly.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 29/08/2011 16:40

Oh Bree! Im so sorry, (been away, just caught up) I was one of the first to suggest that he was playing away, but was secretly hoping it would all be a simple thing that you could fix. What a twunt he really is!
Im so glad that you are being strong for yourself and your DCs, keep it up, dont worry, and come back to MN for further support. We are all here behind you. xx

youarekidding · 29/08/2011 21:01

bree don't feel bad. I cut ex-p off totally for cheating. Not nearly as bad a situation as yours but wouldn't accept the 'excuses' as valid reasons.

You need to step away to find out how you feel, how he feels is irrelevant right now. You need to decide where you want to go and IMO he doesn't get an iota of say in that.

Hope your OK.

microserf · 29/08/2011 22:36

hey bree. glad you are back. take good care of yourself and your DCs. your H is going to have to sort himself out. god knows what is going through his mind, but that can't be something you need to concern yourself with at the moment.

Consider hiring a solicitor though. Things could get messy, and it's not good to be searching for a reputable and experienced person in the heat of the moment. Find someone now to give you peace of mind if everything kicks off, you have someone in your corner ready and able to help you. It might never be necessary, but it's a good thing to have done the research and found the right advisor.