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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 29/08/2011 22:57

Never reproach yourself for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children, both born and unborn.

pickgo · 29/08/2011 23:04

Glad you're back too - you've certainly had both extremes of mn on this thread!

I think you're right to cut all contact. He has taken one giant leap over the boundary of acceptable behaviour and consequently does not deserve your consideration at the moment in any way, shape or form. You have you to think about and to protect, and by extension your bump and DCs.

My advice would be to try and focus on the dcs and their imminent return to school. Beware allowing yourself to accept any responsibility for his truly awful behaviour. Watch your thinking and do not allow it to become self-accusatory.

As well as a solicitor, think about finding a forensic accountant to sort businesses. x

workissues · 30/08/2011 20:51

Glad you came back to the thread Bree and so sorry your bastard of a husband is doing this to you. You sound so strong though and are coping better than I ever would in the same situation.

Please ignore all the other comments. TSC and Shiney at their best. Funny how Shiney only popped up to post a couple of 'cryptic' posts (although she failed badly as usual). What a nasty way to behave. TSC was playing the game she had already posted about playing. Shiney is usually the first person on here to throw the rules at people if things are not going her way, yet she constantly thinks she is clever at her troll hunting. They act as though they are teenage girls and really should be ashamed. Problem is their egos are bigger than MN and they don't realise what 90% of MN really think about them.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 01/09/2011 20:32

Hi,

Have had the most bizarre text from H. 'I made a mistake'. What do I do with that? He still hasn't asked to see the DCs and as far as I'm aware is still in a hotel.

Been feeling really awful today, too much going on with the business on top of all this. Feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't get off. Just wish that my brain could switch off, just for a minute. Sad

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 01/09/2011 20:35

What do you want to so with it?

lachesis · 01/09/2011 20:36

Don't bother answering that. I mean, he sends a text and thinks this will all go away and everything will go back the way it was? Doesn't even have the decency to tell you to your face?

ChippingIn · 01/09/2011 20:36

Bloody hell. What a stupid text to send. My advice. Ignore. It's far too little, possibly far too late... only you can decide that, but it's definitely far too little!!

TheOriginalFAB · 01/09/2011 20:37

do, not so.

Also, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to reply just because he has got around to texting you.

Doha · 01/09/2011 20:40

ignore ignore ignore

PhilipJFry · 01/09/2011 20:43

It's a rubbish message to send. It's the open-ended statement that leaves you to make all of the response, ask the questions and basically sort it out. He doesn't even ask how you or the children are. Does he want you to feel sorry for him or something?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 01/09/2011 20:53

I think he's made a bit more than a 'mistake' a huge fucking ...

Has he been texting you previously and have you been responding ?

He has acknowledge he's cocked up but without a face to face meeting it is impossible to establish how much of that he means (if anything) and it is to get the normality of his life back? his parents off his back? a better place to stay ?etc etc you can not second guess his reasoning.

The fact he hasn't asked after the children would concern me more than anything. He has been gone how many days now? and has had no contact with them whatsoever and doesn't appear to want any. This may be as a result of his mental state (it may be genuine) or embarassment at what he has done (doesn't know what you've said and can't face them).

Have you replied? I think I would work out what I wanted before replying (apart from the world to stop!). Something blunt and to the point "obviously" would be good. It doesn't suggest anything but equally he will need to expand on his previus statement.

If you don't know what and where you want to go with this it may be worth trying to get in touch with a counsellor tomorrow, so you can talk through what you would accept and what you wouldn't and what shape and form you want your relationship (he remains the father of your children and so there will be some form of reltaionship) to take at least in the short term. Until you can work out where YOU want to go from here any response needs to be fairly bland.

How many people within the business are aware of the situation and is there anyone who could be asked to take a greater role (with a short term pay rise?) to ease at least some of the work load for you, or the possibility of a temporary member of staff maybe from a management recruitment agency?. You need to be able to look afetr yourself and the business can't be helping!

Take care

pointythings · 01/09/2011 21:23

Ignore. He's still trying to manipulate you and thinking you'll fall for it.

HerHissyness · 01/09/2011 22:01

I wouldn't reply, let him stew.

What mistake is he talking about? the pressure to abort his DC or the fact that he's been shagging some employee for yonks?

The best thing to do now is to force him to think. By replying it'll take the pressure off him. Leaving him hanging will seriously make him question what is going on, deny him the power he is seeking.

NorksAreMessy · 01/09/2011 22:15

"yes, you did". Might be a good reply

iceandsliceplease · 01/09/2011 23:14

Bree, I've been following this thread since you first started posting, and didn't really have any more to add to what other people had said but I'm jumping in here to say IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE him.

'I made a mistake'. No, he didn't. He fucked up, catastrophically, repeatedly, and now he wants you to help him out of a hole. Don't contact him. You've been amazingly resilient - I am in awe of how you've handled this - and I know the strain is probably starting to tell on you now (anger can be such a motivating force), and you're feeling tired and wishing all this would go away.

He got you pregnant, cheated on you, tried to get you to have a late abortion, fobbed you off with some explanation about next year. He lied, and lied, and lied again. Now he's contacting you, not to ask how you are, how the kids are, when can he see you/them, but to push you into responding. Ignore him. If you feel compelled to respond, then say 'Yes. And?'

featherbag · 01/09/2011 23:15

I've just read the whole thread - I'm so sorry Bree, but you're amazing!

Thumbwitch · 01/09/2011 23:24

don't reply. I hope you didn't.
As the others have said, "I made a mistake" is along the lines of saying the Titanic was sunk by an ice cube.

No apology either, you note.

Beyond pathetic as a starter, really. Shows he has no real understanding still of the situation.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 02/09/2011 07:50

Sorry I didn't come back, I was using on my iPhone and the battery died. Thank you for your replies. I didn't respond to his message, mainly because when it came through I didn't think 'oh joy, he's in contact', my heart felt like a stone and my shoulders slumped. I have nothing to say to him.

I'm not angry anymore, just very tired mentally. I have no idea what I would like to happen in an ideal world. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 02/09/2011 07:58

Doris you words are wise, I do need to speak with someone. I'll call today and see what I can arrange. I have an excellent therapist who helped me through the pre terms. (such a shame that H was never part of it, maybe this mess could have been avoided).

I don't think anyone else knows yet but I could be mistaken. Who knows who she has told. Trying my hardest to hold my head high and remember that I've done nothing wrong. Just a shame that it doesn't feel like that. Sad

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/09/2011 08:46

Great that you have someone that you can speak with.

Have read the thread start to finish overnight. What a strong lady you are.

I wouldn't reply to his message and would just see what he does does next.

Stay strong, if he's starting to change his mind I expect he will send another, appear on your doorstep or you'll hear something through PIL. And then take your time to work out what you'd like to do.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/09/2011 13:16

You have done nothing wrong at all and you are being very strong. Remember you have had a huge shock, one after the other, and you need to express that. Don't try and me all things to all people and forget about you. If you want to scream and cry, do it. If you want to trash all his clothes, do it. I wouldn't waste any time thinking about him and what he has done and why, I would concentrate on the children you have, the baby that is coming and starting the next phase of your life be it as a married/separated/divorced woman, but still you.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/09/2011 13:18

Don't ty and be...

ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 17:51

Bree - did you manage to speak to your therapist today or set up a meeting?

I know it's really, really hard to hold your head up high and feel you haven't done anything wrong - you feel (well, at least I did & others I have spoken to) that you aren't thin/sexy/clever enough or fun anymore or you nag too much or whatever it is that you feel a bit insecure about... that somehow it's your fault for not being perfect enough. It's crap. The one thing that kept my chin up was all the celebs who are stunningly attractive, have pots of money, probably never nag & probably don't shlep around in leggings Grin all get cheated on as well. I found myself looking at them and thinking if x could cheat on y then it has nothing to do with y ergo his cheating probably had nothing to do with me. Hope that makes sense :)

You are doing so well - hang in there x

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 03/09/2011 10:44

fab you're the first person to tell me it's ok to scream and cry! Thank you! All I've heard is that I must hold it together, be dignified, strong blah blah when all I want to do is scream my head off and curl up in a ball. Your post made me realise that what I'm feeling is ok. Smile

chip I've manage to get an appointment in Tuesday. Kind of looking forward to off loading but concerned about getting upset. Don't think I can deal with anymore stress and upset. My whole body aches, my head thumps and I can hardly think straight. Seem to be drifting in a daze which is so not me. Getting cross with myself for not 'pulling myself together.

The DC are constantly asking where daddy is so I think the time has come to be honest. Bloody men. Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 11:07

Bree - I think maybe the adrenaline from the shock is wearing off and leaving you a bit lost. That is normal as well.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to have the "lost" moments - then pick yourself up and start putting one foot in front of the other again. Take it one day at a time, take it easy - you are going through an awful lot at the moment, it's undertandable that you need some "down time".

You might find offloading actually releases some of the stuff you're carrying around, although I know what you mean - I had a friend once who had just been bereaved and she was so stressed, but when I offered her a treatment she said the stress was the thing keeping her going - if she allowed herself to be relaxed, she would fall to bits. Sometimes the stress is helpful, but not for too long.

I think yes, you need to tell your DC where their Daddy is - although how you tell them he hasn't even tried to talk to them, I don't know :(.