here we go. i knew it wouldnt take long....(long post!)

[ThatVikRinA22]

I have a very complex background, but to cut a long story short i have recently got in touch with my brother after about 12 years.

We had a very very bad upbringing. we were neglected and abused. i ended up in and out of care, he ended up homeless and on heroin.

i escaped our abusive parents at 15, married at 19, and have built a wonderful life for myself, with lovely DH and my two much loved children. I feel very guilty that i left my brother there, but i honestly thought he would be ok, they were very different with him while i was there. It seems when i left he got it, (then when he left, our mother got it)

My brother has only recently managed to turn his life around, but is doing very well, is off drugs, married, and has a child whom he appears to dote on. He admits he still has some issues around alcohol and cannabis.He has been nothing but honest with me.

we havent met up yet, as he is undergoing chemo treatment for hep c, but the plan is to meet up at some point. We do speak on the phone. I am being very careful, and am mindful of my job (i am a police officer)

Up until now, the subject of our "parents" hasnt really come up, though i am aware that our father (my step father to be precise) is dead and our mother now lives alone. My brother has chosen to stay in touch with her. I cut contact many years ago and am all the better for it - i did try for years to engage with her - but she is hard as nails, bitter, has a sense of entitlement that galls me and takes no responsibility for our past, and basically when i had contact with them both, i got very ill with panic attacks - when i cut contact they stopped. That says it all really.

My mother (and step thing) emigrated and never bothered to get in touch - i went on to move house and change my phone number.

i did find out when he (step thing) died, and my mother apparently then came back to live in the uk.

My brother says that she was very angry with me.

Anyway - i spoke recently to my brother who states that she is not averse to making contact with me. (ha ha ha fucking ha.)

he says she sends her best. (whatever the fuck that is)

he appears to want me to bury the hatchet, and appears to think i should be grateful that she wants some contact or something. he reckons he has dealt with his demons, and im very pleased for him, but the truth is that my life has been so much easier, calmer, nicer, without her in it. She will not tell me who my father is, and i cant forgive her for the things she put me through as a child.

I want a relationship with my brother. i want to meet his child and wife.

But now, with this rearing its head so quickly into our relationship - well i am a little spooked.
would you continue down this path?
would you continue to try and build some kind of relationship with my brother?
Would you give this woman a chance?
i dont want to end up feeling sorry for her, and i will, i always did, she is manipulative, and i have no doubt now, that she probably cuts a fairly pathetic figure - brother says she is an alcoholic.
but really - i feel like i got past all this and now.....i just dont need it. I have been so strong for so long, and i dont want that to waiver.

im sorry for the length of this post....and thanks if you got this far! i just want to hear what others think.
DH says i must do what i want, and truth is i would love to know who my father is, yet she always held this over me, and would never divulge even the smallest details, i dont even have a name., but i think she likes the sense of power and i dont want to give her that, i want to be free of how i felt all those years ago.

i guess my options are to back away completely from the whole lot of them.
to state clearly that i dont want contact with my mother
or to bite the bullet and allow contact with them all.

thoughts please....

They should be there. It would be very bad practice to destroy after 20odd years. What you need to do is make an application, in writing, to the data protection person in the council, not to the SS office. What possibly happened is you spoke to someone who either didn't know the process, or wanted to fob you off - and possibly they were referring to your files not being kept in their office anymore. Access to records is a big job but then it would be unlikely to be their job to do in any case. Probably ignorance rather than malice.

so what do i do then Eric? how do i find out who i need to ask within the council - i dont live in that city any more.

I nthink it's called the data protection officer. I'll check on monday if you pm me to remind me.

thanks eric - i will. appreciate this thanks. x

i know i am resurrecting this but please please help me - i am in need of advice.

Today i had a conversation with brother and it was obvious that our mother is using him as a go-between, he asked me to add her on facebook.

i told him absolutely not - end of. I said i am glad for him that he has a relationship with her but as he said - she never did anything to him - and thats fine.

next thing i know today i get a message from HER on facebook.

i burst into tears.
DH says if a few words can do that then i have unfinished business and i should think about what i want to know and message back.

the message is very breezy - a sort of lets forget the past and move on kind of thing - she says she is proud of me and loves me.
that just cant be true! im 40. why now?
i want to know who my father is. i want to give her it back both barrels. i want to ask her why she stood and WATCHED as her bastard husband broke my bones.
she has told my brother that she didnt know it was happening which truly is the biggest pile of steaming shit - she watched it. she stood there and did nothing.

i have not responded to the message. i am so angry. and so so so sad.
please help me work out what to do.

i want to ask her why she stood and WATCHED as her bastard husband broke my bones.
she has told my brother that she didnt know it was happening which truly is the biggest pile of steaming shit - she watched it. she stood there and did nothing.

To me this says everything you need to know about the woman who gave birth to you. Sorry I don't think she qualifies to be called your mother. She is not sorry. She is denying and in effect calling you a liar. Not a good start to creating a new relationship. What she means is you have to forgive and forget (also known as put up and shut up). I don't sense any remorse from that FB message and she didn't even have the decency to wait until you decided to contact her if you wanted to. She did what she wanted whether it was good or bad for you was unimportant.

It is hard not to know where you come from, what a part of you is, where you may have belonged.

Are you hoping that if you find out who your father was that you may find the family you have never had from this woman to wrap you up and keep you safe?

Only you can know if the trauma and crap that comes with being in contact with this woman is worth it if and that is a massive if after 40 years she cares to tell you who your father is or still doesn't.

Personally I would say block and stay well away.

/hugs

Vicar, do not let this absolute cow back into your life, she doesn't love you (her loss) and she would make your life a misery. I thoroughly agree with Xales's post above.

There is tremendous pressure within families to conform to the family's public persona rather than what is actually reality. Books, television dramas and films all perpetuate the myth of the happy family and it can be hard to swim against the tide when you realise that your family does not conform to that stereotype. But the truth is that you don't have to play happy families with these people. Personally, I would give your DB the heave ho as well, he has not respected your wishes either and you seem to have little in common with him, so he won't be a great loss.

You can make your own family out of the people who love and respect you - and you don't have to share blood with them to feel they are your kith and kin. They do say that friends are the family you make for yourself after all.

thanks.

brother said she didnt dare send a friend request in case of rejection. i had said if she was that bothered she would stop using him and approach me herself then bingo....
i got the message.

she says she doesnt want to dwell on the past but if i want to talk about it its ok....
i was shocked by my reaction. i dont want to keep having to confront these feelings and i doubt no matter what i do, that they will go away. i learned to live with it all by living a life the furthest away from it - when i listen to my brother now talk about whats going on in his family life (including her) it sounds like a bad episode of Shameless.

i dont have any illusions about finding my real father or his family - i doubt very much whether that sort of shock would be welcome for anyone. its not that i want to find them or to feel part of anything - i am quite happy with my own little family of DH and kids - so i think its just more about my genetic history and my identity.

im so angry with her and with my DB - he has let her view my FB photographs and she has commented on my kids (DD stunning...that sort of thing) and i feel sullied. DB is obviously missing a few brain cells from years of heroin abuse.

fucking hell. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Give it to her both barrels say what needs to be said. But make sure your DH is there to support you afterwards.

Message back and ask her. Ask her all those questions you want answered. I can't see you have any other option than to force the truth from her. If she is truly sorry she will do this for you.
Then close the door. Whether she replies and you get your answers, she replies and you don't, or as I suspect, she doesn't reply. Close the door. You were happy until she reared her head again.
I wish you all the very best.

Vicar l don't have a clue who my DF was and my birth mother is dead. I have momentary pangs of who am l? what was he like? but l realise l am me and that and my DH and DC's are all that matters now.
The past is just that--in the past dead and buried. Please let it go in the grand scheme of things it's not important.
I don't think your mother will ever tell you who he is /was, and she will dangle your curiosity over you like a carrot if she thinks it will make you get in touch.
She is dangerous to you, your mental health and your family if contact is re established.
Please delete your FB account, your DB--albeit with the best intentions- will continue to show photos and messages from you to him. Please tell him that you want NO CONTACT with her and NO INFORMATION about you or your family is to be given to this vile woman.
If he does not abide with your wishes you may have to consider wheither contact with your DB will have to cease.

Oh Vicar

Do not let her back into your life.

I would also change the settings on your fb so that DB cannot show pics etc to your mum.

i know that if i reply thats it - ive entered into a dialogue. im sucked back into something it took a good 10 years of having no contact to move on from.

my instincts are saying "run"
but im so angry that she has the nerve to do this to me. how dare she?

DB said today that if i withdrew from contact with him he couldnt take it - (we tried some very tentative contact once before and i withdrew quite quickly from it, he says it crushed him.

they are all sodding emotional vampires. i actually feel normal when i think about them, because compared to them i am sorted.

i am sick of feeling in turmoil when it comes to these people. DB is obviously just running straight back to her with everything i say. He functions on another level and probably doesnt even realise whats going on tbh. like i say - herioin abuse coupled with pot and alcohol and i suspect he is missing something in his grey matter.

ffs. I am sorry for waffling - but im on my own. DH is at work. dont want to involve the kids in this shite.

bella my settings on FB are all private but he has obviously logged in and shown her through his profile.

she said she was proud of my children....WTF???? she hasnt had anything to do with them! ever!

i am just stunned really at her absolute audacity.
and why do i feel so incredibly sad? i just want to cry.

Vicar, yes that's what I thought he had done, but you can alter your settings so that he is still your friend but does not have access to that kind of stuff - am pretty certain...

Don't be held hostage by your DB's threats Vicar, he is responsible for his own actions.
Your mental health comes first. Ask yourself just what benefit your DB brings to your life. You do realise he is not emotionally strong enough to detatch himself from this woman, so you and your families life will be forever relayed back to her? Can you handle that? Perhaps you could limit the amount of information you giev to your brother but l don't really think that would work.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just to let go...

Vicar, please block your mother on Facebook. She will be unable to view anything about you, your posts or even be able to find you if you do this.

It also sounds as though you may need to at least increase your FB security as far as your DB goes. Put him in a list of 1 and only allow him to view the bare minimum with which you would be comfortable him showing your mother. It may be that you will need to go as far as to unfriend your DB and block him as well but you can start with that.

Best of luck.

My goodness, just read the whole thread and so :( for you vicar.

I don't have personal experience of anything this bad, but what struck me from your posts is that what works for you is when you are in control - not bloody surprising seeing as you never were!

Don't let them take over, stay in control and do things your way. They cannot force you to do anything, do what you are ready for when you are ready for it and refuse to hand over control to anyone else.

I wish you all the best.

how did i get myself into this?

after all these years?

i am so bloody stupid. Thank you everyone. I am going to have to explain to him i think what i am doing and why i am doing it and its not going to go down well. I wanted to have some sort of relationship with him, he came to live with me for a time when he was homeless but he was on gear (i didnt know) and he ended up landing me in a whole heap of poop - he stole, and he owed dealers money - i ended up paying because he did a bunk and left me with his debts - but that was years ago - he was 18 and he was in trouble. i wanted to move on.
and i cant, can i.

stupid. i feel so stupid and just so sad. i really dont need this now. or ever.

Vicar you are not stupid

You are hurt.

It is not your fault if what you say to him does not go down well, do not feel guilty for that. Explain it to him, alter your settings end of.

your not stupid Vicar--far from it.
You wanted contact with your DB unfirtunatly it came with a high price. Is it really worth it?

i feel stupid because i had moved on.

and i have let them do this. i allowed it.

no its not worth it, but i hate hurting people. (!!) see? daft as a brush. i know i have the power to just end all this now. i also know if i do its me that will feel guilt about it. how mixed up is that?

i am sorely tempted to phone occy health at work and ask for some emergency counselling. or just some counselling. i need to get my head right on this and then act.

going to try and watch a bit of tv and have a wind down glass of wine, i need to stop crying or my face is going to look liked chopped liver by tomorrow and DD wants to go out....thank you so much everyone.

ill be back in a bit. x

Vicar I think you're feeling so sad because in not acknowledging the wrong she did you, she is continuing her abuse of you. People who want a relationship with other peopel they have wronged, start with an acknowledgement, an apology and an offer of atonement with an admission that they don't have the right to be forgiven or to have a relationship with that person. (Sorry lots of a's in all that.) Your mother has done none of that, so she wants to continue the relationship with the same dynamic it's always had - you as victim, her as abuser. So after all this time, she's dragging you back into an abusive relationship with her, because it looks like that's the only sort of relationship she's capable of having with you. Which is why you can't go there.

One of the things lots of people are told to do, is to confront their abusive parent - either by letter (which you may never send, it's just psychologically free-ing to write it all down), e-mail, phone call, in person - whatever. Do you think it might help you to message her back telling her all the things you've told us here, and saying that because of them, you will not have a relationship with her? It works for some people, but it might not work for you, only you know whether it's a good idea for you or not.

FWIW I think that your instinct to get counselling is a good one. The fact that this awful woman can still cause you such emotional turmoil, means that you haven't yet distanced yourself from her as much as you'd previously thought. Counselling might help you do that. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you work it out soon.

couunselling--good idea [smiile]

toughen up Vicar, you can bet their not loosing sleep over it. This is probably a guilt issue from your childhood-- a desire and need to please when you were younger.
put the past to bed--won't be easy but you have done it before and you can do it again.