here we go. i knew it wouldnt take long....(long post!)

[ThatVikRinA22]

I have a very complex background, but to cut a long story short i have recently got in touch with my brother after about 12 years.

We had a very very bad upbringing. we were neglected and abused. i ended up in and out of care, he ended up homeless and on heroin.

i escaped our abusive parents at 15, married at 19, and have built a wonderful life for myself, with lovely DH and my two much loved children. I feel very guilty that i left my brother there, but i honestly thought he would be ok, they were very different with him while i was there. It seems when i left he got it, (then when he left, our mother got it)

My brother has only recently managed to turn his life around, but is doing very well, is off drugs, married, and has a child whom he appears to dote on. He admits he still has some issues around alcohol and cannabis.He has been nothing but honest with me.

we havent met up yet, as he is undergoing chemo treatment for hep c, but the plan is to meet up at some point. We do speak on the phone. I am being very careful, and am mindful of my job (i am a police officer)

Up until now, the subject of our "parents" hasnt really come up, though i am aware that our father (my step father to be precise) is dead and our mother now lives alone. My brother has chosen to stay in touch with her. I cut contact many years ago and am all the better for it - i did try for years to engage with her - but she is hard as nails, bitter, has a sense of entitlement that galls me and takes no responsibility for our past, and basically when i had contact with them both, i got very ill with panic attacks - when i cut contact they stopped. That says it all really.

My mother (and step thing) emigrated and never bothered to get in touch - i went on to move house and change my phone number.

i did find out when he (step thing) died, and my mother apparently then came back to live in the uk.

My brother says that she was very angry with me.

Anyway - i spoke recently to my brother who states that she is not averse to making contact with me. (ha ha ha fucking ha.)

he says she sends her best. (whatever the fuck that is)

he appears to want me to bury the hatchet, and appears to think i should be grateful that she wants some contact or something. he reckons he has dealt with his demons, and im very pleased for him, but the truth is that my life has been so much easier, calmer, nicer, without her in it. She will not tell me who my father is, and i cant forgive her for the things she put me through as a child.

I want a relationship with my brother. i want to meet his child and wife.

But now, with this rearing its head so quickly into our relationship - well i am a little spooked.
would you continue down this path?
would you continue to try and build some kind of relationship with my brother?
Would you give this woman a chance?
i dont want to end up feeling sorry for her, and i will, i always did, she is manipulative, and i have no doubt now, that she probably cuts a fairly pathetic figure - brother says she is an alcoholic.
but really - i feel like i got past all this and now.....i just dont need it. I have been so strong for so long, and i dont want that to waiver.

im sorry for the length of this post....and thanks if you got this far! i just want to hear what others think.
DH says i must do what i want, and truth is i would love to know who my father is, yet she always held this over me, and would never divulge even the smallest details, i dont even have a name., but i think she likes the sense of power and i dont want to give her that, i want to be free of how i felt all those years ago.

i guess my options are to back away completely from the whole lot of them.
to state clearly that i dont want contact with my mother
or to bite the bullet and allow contact with them all.

thoughts please....

Ramble away Vicar, ramble away.

Sleep well.

Hi Vic,

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all this crap -again.

If you want to keep in touch with your brother and maybe meet his wife and your niece could you just sever the Facebook link with him and write or email instead. That way your mother couldn't snoop on your relationship with him?

Perhaps if you spoke to your brother's wife and told her what the boundaries are, she may be able to get him to understand?

I'm crap at relationships, as you know, so don't feel I can offer advice - I just wanted you to know that I think you have done amazingly well with your own DH and DCs and in your professional life. I really admire how you have achieved all this and hate to see you dragged down again by the past. You are an incredibly caring, lovely person - don't let them take advantatge of that.

I cut my own parents out of my life - totally, over 20 years ago, and over much, much less serious issues than you have with your mother.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Take care
XXX

thanks WA - i dont see much of you these days, thank you for popping up here to post, did you walk or get the lift?

im trying to find the occupational health number to try and get the ball rolling in terms of talking to someone.

i feel dreadfully tired today although i think i slept ok. Part of me just wants to ignore all of this until it goes away and part of me is tempted to simply msg back asking who my father is - but im not going to do it, it feels too unpredictable.

im going to have to tackle my brother and i just want to ignore that too.

im going to have a marathon tidy up (house is a tip) and im out for a meal tonight with friends so at least that should take my mind of things. They dont know any of this so i can have a few hours off from it, and then im out tomorrow as its DS open day at uni.

i do feel less sad today but i just want to bury my head in the sand and its probably not the right thing to do any more.

thanks again.
x

btw - thats a good idea re ditching him from FB, i hadnt yet given him any personal information other than my phone number, but im going to have to speak to him first about my reasoning.

gonna put that off for a bit too....all feels too hard just now but i will do it.

well ive rung occy health - someone is going to phone me back today.

Have just read through this - totally full of admiration for you Vicar. You sound like a very sensible, thoughtful and brave person. You also sound like you have a fantastic little family of your own and have broken the cycle that your mother was in of abused people going on to abuse. Your children will never have to go through what you went through. You should be really proud of yourself.

Trust your instincts and look after yourself. It is not your problem if your DB or mother are upset or hurt at cutting off contact. You have to keep yourself sane and happy. Prioritise that.

Vicar, you are fabulous! I hope you know that

well, before i have had time to back out i have arranged a session of counselling for a week on tuesday. Its a bit of a drive but im going to have to do it.

i can have up to 8 sessions. He asked me what i wanted to do and i told him i want rid of this - he used a stone in the shoe analogy - if you have a stone in a shoe you have choices - either carry on, put it somewhere more comfortable but it will dislodge eventually and your back to square one, or you stop and take it out.
its time to stop and take it out.
ive been limping alone with it tucked away but it fell out again when i got that message.
im not quite sure how i feel but i need to do this, he asked me how i felt, he sensed that i was disappointed in my own reaction. it probably am but i just feel sorry for myself - and that feels wrong somehow, but maybe i do need to just let myself feel sorry for that child that was me, just while im working through it, the counsellor says carry on writing and rambling, and that maybe one day i will be able to stand in a field and burn it all.
that would be a nice place to get to, just not sure if thats doable in 8 sessions.

How can anyone not feel sorry for that child that was you? I think you feeling sorry for that child is perfectly normal. Bloody hell Vicar, you put up with the most awful horrendous things.

Well done on arranging the counselling.

Just wanted to add my support. Your post had me in tears too. You are an amazingly strong person to have overcome everything and to go on to make a success of your life. You should be very proud of yourself. Good luck with the counselling.

Fabulous about the counselling Vicar.

The stone in my shoe is gradually flattening to a pan drop thanks to my great OH team.

Mercifully my bastard father died, I can't even begin to imagine how devastating it would have been for him to reappear in my life like your excuse for a mother.

You have broken the pattern and are wonderful, don't give the oxygen thief any part of your good life.

I have to thank you all for such support in this, it validates me somehow. I'm having an evening out with friends tonight, they dint know anything of my past so it will give me some head space, will be nice to talk about kids and work and mundane stuff that doesn't hurt. I let DH read this thread, because although he helped me I can't think that I've ever specified what someone the abuse entailed. Things just keep popping into my head now, like how SF chose to communicate with me if he wanted something fetching, I wasn't worth wasting words on ( unless to say something vile) and he would cluck his fingers, as if summoning the waiter, then point to what he wanted. He said he held me "in the contempt I deserved" I was 7 when he started that. There is probably quite a bit of work to do in counselling. but for now I'm going to go and have a meal with friends and try and enjoy an evening out. Can't get plastered as up for DS uni open day tomorrow unfortunately!

Try and have a nice relaxing evening, Vic, and remind yourself of some of the good stuff you have built up around you with all these friends and your lovely family. You must be so proud of your boy

What an excellent analogy the stone is. Try to be proud of yourself that you're preparing to lose yours. I bet your dh is, even if you're not.

Have a fun evening. Enjoy the day tomorrow, very exciting.

It's a brilliant analogy. Vicar, just to say that don't be surprised if you go through a period of grief as you go through counselling. It is inevitable that you will look back to the little girl, teenager, young woman you were and grieve for the life she might have had and the person she would have been, if she hadn't been abused. Also you might find it's like grieving for a parent's death as you come to terms with the fact that you either lost or never had people in your life who functioned as mother and father. Being able to accept that you don't to all intents and purposed have a mother, entails grieving for the loss of one.

Or that may not happen to you and this is irrelevant but I just wanted to warn you that sometimes counselling makes you feel worse to begin with as you start feeling that grief, but you need to feel it to be able to lay it to rest for good.

I've come really late to this thread and can't really add anything to what's already said, but Vicar I couldn't read this and then click on a different link as if this was just another insignificant thread. I am horrified at what you went through as a child. I imagine the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain and sheer terror that you must have lived with for all those years. What you suffered was nothing less than systematic torture from the very people who were charged with the responsibility of loving and protecting you. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

You are completely amazing to have come through this, made a success of your life and remain someone who is obviously highly resilient, and full of warmth, empathy and self-responsibility.

I know someone who had a bad childhood (though nothing even remotely comparing to the scale of abuse in yours). For years she would say that she would do everything not to repeat her own upbringing from her mother - yet she has done exactly that with her own daughter. What was even more horrifying for those of us who watched it happen was seeing the incredibly easy transition from victim to becoming an abuser herself. There is always a reason for someone's behaviour, no matter how abhorrent or difficult to understand, but that doesn't mean that you have to forgive that behaviour, like others have said. Understanding your mother's behaviour may help you realise that it was nothing about you that made her behave that way. That may help and I hope it does, but none of it changes the fact that she was your mother and the moment she had you it became her job to love you, nurture you and protect you or give you up to someone who could. That was your right as her child and she failed you miserably. No amount of excuses can ever make up for that. From a child's POV her motives are completely and utterly irrelevant. I think the analogy about a scorpion earlier was the best way to sum this up.

I'm glad you're going for counselling and I hope it helps. I just wanted to say that I don't think you should be scared of the anger you are worried about feeling. There is nothing wrong with anger as an emotion. Sometimes it is the only appropriate response to being done a great wrong, and god knows you have been. It's what you do with that anger that's important, and I'd say just from reading your posts on here and knowing what you've weathered so far, you are undoubtedly someone who will use that anger constructively and for great good.

Whatever you do, and however it plays out, I sincerely wish you all the best with it.

thank you again.

i feel a bit shell shocked now i think, a bit numb. Things have just carried on as before, done all the usual things and my life is carrying on just as before, went out Friday, had a nice time, visited Uni for DS open day yesterday, housework today, will go for a run, then back to work Tuesday next week, im kind of "over" the initial, - what ever it was - and now im hoping ive done the right thing with the counselling because i know its going to knock me.

I spoke for quite a while to the counsellor on the phone and he said ive got coping strategies that i probably picked up in my teens - which i have - i push it out of my head and get on with life, and because my life is busy its not that hard to do.

I had almost talked my self out of the counselling again because im not sure i have the time for it, but i also know that all ive done is put that stone somewhere more comfortable (it is a good analogy - im hoping he is going to be a good counsellor - he gave me a choice of him or a female counsellor - but as id already relayed half my life story to him i thought id stick with him) so im going to go and see how i feel. Im a little worried because im back to work next week, the counselling session has been booked for one of my days off, which means no one i work with need know, but im a heart on sleeve type and im hoping its not going to affect me at work, then again im fairly good at keeping work/home separate but i still struggle with the "newness" of the job and this is either going to give me something to worry about to replace that, or just add to what im already feeling and push me over the edge. Id better be on guard.

im just going to go and see i guess. Im glad ive been off while all this happened, i feel like ive got my head together a bit before i go back. I may just have to time my sessions right.

well ive flipped from going to not going and now back to going (re the counselling thing) i got a sudden panic that perhaps it wouldnt be confidential, and really couldnt face the thought of colleagues knowing (bar one who is a lovely and very supportive woman)

im avoiding reading the message from my mother as each time i look at it i feel my resolve weakening.

this is crap and i hate feeling like this.

You don't know me Vicar but have just been reading this and on the subject of counselling, I've been several times (ach) and I know I always get that feeling at the start, whoever it is, but have never ever met one who didn't absolutely respect confidentiality. The one I see now has helped me enormously, it just helps to have somewhere to talk about the stuff you can't elsewhere (aside from the help of getting rid of the stone as well). It's worth taking the leap, and wish you all the luck with it.

It is confidential.
Your colleagues will not know.

It is normal to feel scared when you start counselling as you know you are going to be looking at things which are painful and you are stepping into the unknown.

It is worth doing and worth sticking with because the end result is no more limping on stones. Peace in your heart. Confidence in the decisions you make. Knowledge that you will stick with those decisions. Greater self-confidence, self-belief, self-reliance, self-knowledge.

It is worth it for yourself, for your dh, for your children, for your friends. Everyone you care about will benefit, but the greatest benefit will be garnered by you.

Stick your chin up, take deep breaths and look the world in the eye.

You can do it.

I think I worried as a colleague told me that when she was referred by her Sgt they discussed her "problem" with her superiors, but another colleague has said if I self referred and providing I'm not disclosing any criminal activity the it will be confidential. She said they will tell me all my rights on the first visit, so feel more reassured. I may well end up writing a letter to my mother, even if I don't send it but I think I'll do the counselling first. Im also starting to question how much of a relationship I want with my brother, we were meant to be meeting, he has got the date wrong (he never listens) and called it off and I find myself relieved by that. I didn't bother correcting him on the date. I also feel that he isn't respecting what I say to him with regards our mother and I need to say that before it festers or before I just back off with no explanation.

completely confidential.therapeutic relationship is between you and counsellor.your colleagues wont know unless you disclose

only situations counsellor would disclose content is safeguarding, or another individual in danger, or another significant event.and a good counsellor would tell you the parameters of counselling sessions

first session usually set parameters and expectations

and good luck

Yes, you do need to talk to your brother and make your position very clear to him. If he won't listen, then you'll have done your best.

Good luck to you, Vicar, in these early steps. You will get into your stride and things will become easier as you do so.

Thinking of you. Don't forget, there are always people here to support you.

thanks again and i cant actually say how much help this is being to me - ive hardly seen DH since i went back to work, and there really is no one else i can talk to at the minute.

Im finding it quite surreal at work - there are a couple on our shift who are having problems with personal stuff at the moment and people are rallying around and its lovely, but i cant say anything of whats going on for me and im just getting on with it. I guess its probably a good thing really and work gives me space away from my own head, plus it would all feel too hard to explain so having a space to vent, here, is just invaluable.

right now i think ive gone into 'pretend its all gone away mode and ignore it' mode which is working for me, but i know its a temporary measure.

ill let you know how it goes on Tuesday.

Tuesday next week? I'll be here thinking of you.

I'll just mention that when I went to counselling, first of all I had to phone 3 times because each time I couldn't speak for crying and had to hang up. I finally managed to stammer out my phone number and managed to get myself together in time to take the call and arrange a day and time.

I spent the first two sessions crying, hardly uttered a word! The counsellor (she was a sweetie) said at one point " you seem a little upset" which would have made me guffaw except I was crying too hard

My best friend is a couple counsellor. Counsellors have heard pretty well everything, don't judge and are endlessly kind, patient and all-round wonderful; that's my experience, anyway. They also have a way of getting to the nub of the matter, so if you find it hard to start talking they will be able to help you begin.