After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Hey Saff I'm fine but internet has been down for a couple of days.

Like you am almost out of energy and can't wait for it all to end - can't yet see the light because the letters take so long to get written and sent. DD is beside herself with excitement at the prospect of going away (well, at the moment she is) and I'm trying to cover my feelings about that.

My sol told me I don't have to appear at the first hearing and at this stage the judge acts as advisor and tries to find solutions which both parties can agree to. It's only if this doesn't work that it proceeds to a second hearing. i was told to expect to pay £20,000 for the whole process if it goes to a financial dispute hearing - so I'm very keen to settle as soon as possible. This week has seen a resurgence of my hatred of ptm - this weekend it's exactly a year since I found out so my mood is a bit low really. i have no regrets though. Lets hope twunt and lady twunt fall out massively just about the time when your SHL takes him and his lycra shorts to the cleaners

Glad you're ok Wisey, was wondering where you were. I know exactly how you feel - I just want all this to end too. My ES was home from Cambridge at the weekend, and went shopping, and saw his dad in the shopping mall, and he said that twunt waved to him, and he totally ignored him. I actually, for a moment, felt sorry for twunt, because he has lost a lovely son. Then I told myself it was his choice to leave us all - and that ES holds all the cards. It's so hard though. I really can't afford all the fees for court, so am borrowing money from my parents, which I'm finding both humbling and a bit humiliating - it's hard to explain.

I too hope it's all sorted out sooner rather than later, the court process can be so long and costly. It will be a year next month since I chucked out twunt, so I know how you feel.

Let's focus on how far we've come, Wisey; not how far we have to go.

XX

Think of it as the last push up to the top of the mountain to freedom. That last part is always the hardest climb but worth it for the view from the top.

at court fees and at these awful awful fathers, hope you both get a v good settlement.

Waving support to you all

Sorry to post here wisey et al, but please could I have a virtual pick-me-up?

Having a hard time at moment with work, commuting, sleep deprivation, childcare and DH. Just had nasty row and am upset. feel out of touch with RL friends and just want to tell someone really, know this thread is your thread.

Here you go, Dozer now tell us all about it...

Spill Dozer hunni - what's up?

Thank you! is nothing compared to lots of the situations on here. Just the normal parenting/working/loss of identity/confidence stuff, DD2 doesn't sleep through (18mths), DD1 up at crack of dawn, new job (vague job description, don't know what am doing, scary boss) and commute (I didn't want to move this far away from work as knew it'd be hard with two of us commuting 1.5 hours each way, DH talked me into it and I regret it sometimes).

Worst thing is lots of conflict with DH over everything from petty, silly stuff that escalates to big stuff that escalates. Not able to deal with it / him because am so tired and need to stay on the treadmill. Urgh. Think tomorrow eve will try to meet a friend and have some wine!

Poor you, Dozer. No wonder you're stressed out and knackered.

A 3 hour round trip commute is taking 15 hours a week out of your life and that's a lot of time that could be better spent on more fulfilling and enjoyabe things.

Is it not possible for you to find employment closer to home?

Hey Dozer. So sorry, have been away from MN for a bit.

Of course you can use this thread to let off steam, goodness knows you've been there for me enough times and I'm so glad other's were here to offer some support.

FWIW I think you're dealing with alot and no wonder you're feeling the pressure. Thing to do is that old cliche and look after yourself more, don't sweat the small stuff (or at least work out what the small stuff is and let it go) and ask your DP to take the reins a bit when you're feeling particularly under the cosh.

I hope you got to go out with your friend and have plenty and some laughs. That's what I do these days and it works a treat .

Let us know how you are and if you want anything else - meanwhile ((hugs)) to you.

Starting new thread. New situation .

I hope you'll come back to this one with updates on ptm/finances/dd's education, Wisey.

Thanks wisey, and izzy. A bit about moaning here! Things bit better, trying to look after myself better.

Glad you're OK. Yy, know there's stuff with NM, but we're not quite done with ptm - not til you are totally rid of him! Has your SOL summoned him to court yet? Or did he come up with an OK offer? (sadly unlikely unless one of us has stopped by his grotty bedsit and made him make an offer you can't refuse)....

No need to at moaning on this board, Dozer - the more the merrier and I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

What do you reckon to cement boots? Methinks they could be a good look with purple trousers...

cement boots LOL even at this time of the morning!

Update:

Whilst I ignored the anniversary last week of my separation from ptm, he took the opportunity to be very, very sad about it with DD - "today it's exactly 52 weeks since your DM and me split up blah blah..."

My sol has written a very detailed letter explaining in words of one syllable (just so he is abundantly clear) all the points he had raised in his last one to her (which still didn't contain the necessary financial disclosure). She has given him clear time frames for the process and said, basically, if you want this settled so your DD can go into private education in September, you should respond with your final decision within 14 days - otherwise it's up to the less predicatble time frames of the court and all the potential delays that they could impose.

He'll get it today. And it's not him who's doing the offering so much as me now saying "this is what I want". Meanwhile I am doing the garden and fixing things up because if he goes for it, then the house goes on the market immediately.

PTM doesn't want it to end or at least not in this way, that's pretty clear.

PTMs started all of this but doesn't have the balls to finish it. You're right, he doesn't want it to end, indeed, he doesn't know how to end it so is throwing what toys he still has in his pram - out.

Reading about your daughter's recent dealings with him: has it occurred to her that he has been showing a renewed interest now he doesn't have the demands of OW every day. When he was in the middle of the big romance, he barely saw his DD. He's shifted his energies to your DD because he can, not necessarily because he wants to.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I see a direct correlation to the amount of time he has available and his change of tack. If OW was still in the picture, would he be pushing for this or would he be spending his money elsewhere?

I may be wrong about this - I hope so.

No I don't think you're wrong at all, I think you have it taped. And it does sound harsh because in fact it is harsh, but not for me - for DD as she will at some point realise for herself.

Indeed DD tells me this morning that her DF is not, after all, moving back into our town as he "lost the place he was hoping to rent". Coincidence? Nah.

He'll be planning to move to where DD will be staying or my name's not Wisey.

Its hard to watch all of that unfold, but he won't change his 'spots', these people never do. Your DD will have to find that out for herself. I've seen it so many times before. Its inevitable when a parent is such a liar.

PTM - Piss Taking Monster... I think we need to extend the range of his wankerdom...

OK, have decided to bring this one to my faithful thread.

I need some considered insights. It's about NM and me. YOu don't know him as well as me so I know I can't ask for definitives here. But I am troubled and I don't know if it's about me, him or 'us'.

He is moving toward selling (estate agents are in process of sending out contracts etc) and I am still waiting for PTM to do something (anything) to further our financial settlement.

Since hearing that he's under considerable pressure from DC's and another significant family member to go back to his DW (and is adamant this is not going to happen) we have talked about how we both feel about what this does to me (it isn't nice even though I understand why).

He is upset that it upsets me but rightly says he can't influence what other people choose to do and say, and can only carry on with what he knows he wants - which up til now I have fully trusted is me.

What's changed? I don't know except I know I gave him some pretty mixed messages about the situation and since then he seems to have gone into 'casual' mode (even though I recognised what I'd done and reassured him I am not about to bail out). There's still as much contact when we're not together, still seeing him reguarly, still attentive etc.

Don't want to flood this with too much detail. Am hoping for some prompts from posters instead to fill in the picture a bit more. You are far better investigators than I am at explanating myself!

Thanks

explaining

Are you worried that he isn't being honest re his feelings for his ex, or is it just that the circumstances for both of you are challenging?

In what ways is he being "casual"?

Is pants that ptm is dragging things out after your sol letter, especially with DD's school riding on reaching an agreement.

So I'm going to bring this back to what really matters.

DD has just returned from a weekend with PTM (her first) at his parents (her first in a long time with nothing from them since the separation).

She is very angry and upset. There are no pictures of her (where there used to be). Her step PGM talked about her biological granddaugther and was ignorant of my DD to the point where PTM actually pulled her on it. DD says all her step PGM talked about was the OW or me and how many DC's PTM now has (mine plus OW's).

I am absolutely livid. DD says she doesn't want to see PTM's step mother ever again. That's fine with me. But I am composing a letter in my head which tells DD's 'grandmother' to fuck off.

Shit! What an absolute arse is that woman? No matter what lies PtM may have told about me there is no justification for hurting my DD like that.

I am going to do it. I am going to write the letter I didn't write last year. Only now I know where I'm coming from.

Go for it, honey... but maybe wait until the finances and the absolute are done and dusted before sending it?

In the meantime, we can help you refine it to the definitive fuck off letter to ILs

Oh yes, yes, YES in that MN way!!!!!!