After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

PTM now needs bringing to court sharpish. Long overdue.

Although prefer the waterboard/cellar option: izzy - bad cop, annie - gun-toting, helena - patio-dug-at-ready, mcnaughty - gin-slinging, saffy - medical assistance (for us not ptm). Other MN friends and any lurkers can take you out for a large as you will need alibis!

Presumably you could try to fight DD going to boarding school (through the court?) unless you truly believe it is a good place for her and that PTM can be fully relied upon for the fees until she finishes. She is still v young and you know better than she does what is good for her. Giving up and letting her do what ptm has talked her into just seems like bad plan.

That was a nasty comment by DD . Is she still upset about NM?

So um

DD "gets caught in the middle" because

you have a solicitor

er, I'm sort of missing a bit of the logic there, the bit why these things are in any way to do with each other?

(the spaces are deliberate, I'm waiting for someone to fill them in.)

Agree with izzy about the flat thing. Dd ideally needs to have a room with you always there for her until she's at least 20!

Have talked before about my FIL who is of the major twunt ilk, though not quite in same league bad as ptm. When I met DH he was 18 and had nowhere he felt he could go in university holidays because after the break-up his mum had died and his dad had moved in with someone horrible. I wanted to take him home! And eventually did

Wherever ptm lays his hat, he will be in the grotty bedsit that is his mind and soul.

We need to shred the purple trousers and turn them into pom poms so we can cheer Wisey along!

Agree that DD needs to know she has a home with you Wisey.

Forget waterboarding Dozer. As pleasurable as it may be to all but drown a twunt, there's no way I'm getting my Manolos soaking wet when other options equally as pleasurable and dryer.

Your ex-twunt is equally deserving of a temporary sojourn in the small cellar Annie.

The plan is to deal with them sequentially and administer rough justice detain them long enough to obtain the number of their secret bank accounts truth before sending them on their way in small packages that can be easily interred under Helen's patio.

If we despatch them alphabetically, your will be first to go. He can be a practice run, so to speak, and if he doesn't have hidden funds we'll only need to hold him upside down and shake the loose change out of his pockets before giving him 'the treatment'

You see, this is what is so good about MN. I doubt that our respective xtwunts could ever in their wildest imaginations think so creatively - no, boring, boring, boring, all they can think of is screwing around with OW and then screwing around some more with finances - boring, boring, BORING!!!!!

Anyhoo. I shall be seeking a 2 bedroom place for me and DD. I was so incensed with her for not seeing how tragically she is being used to get to me that I went with my feelings. But I have made the decision that I can't protect her any more from his manipulations. I mean, how long does one carry on? Til they're 18? 25? It came to me that all the time I step in and try to shield her from it I remain as firmly attached to him as if he were still leeching off me we were still married.

She came back from seeing him last night and it was as if he were in the house again - she had obviously been primed to 'be as nice as you can to your DM, she has realised she has let you go'. It made me want to find him in his shabby little room and poke his eyes out with a blunt instrument. Yes he has realised I'll never take him back and so he will 'take' DD from me.

It's absolutely no coincidence that in two weeks time or so it's a year since I found the evidence of his affair and told him to go. He's still here, he may think he's 'won' by using DD's dream to lure her away from home and everything she relies on for her sense of security. On the other hand it's possible that he doesn't really want her to go but couldn't think of any other way to try and get me to talk to him (well, that failed!).

I know she's not ready, I know it will be a huge culture shock for her, and I know she won't get from it what she imagines. But I have to let her try and that's why I'm not putting up a fight. At least she'll get a bit of life experience and that, hopefully, will help her discern the good guys from the bad.

Annie I need time on my own, doing my own thing in my own way. If NM loves me he'll wait.

Thanks all. You've seen me through the worst and it'll never be as bad as it was last year.

Wisey l have lurked on your thread over the last year and have never ceased to be in awe of how you have coped and maintained your ddignity.
You are an inspiration.
Keep your chin up, l think you are nearly there

x

Wisey, so much sadness, but there comes a point where you have to use the knowledge you have from experience with this poor excuse for a man and hard as it seems, it is the right thing not to be drawn in by him again.

He thinks he knows how to press your buttons and engage with you again, but you could probably write the script for the conversation. It just feels so painful when it is your DD that is in the frame.

However, I know its not going to make you feel any better, but he will show his true colours to your DD, people like this always do. They don't change and he will not be able to deliver her dreams, much as she hopes he will.

He has thrown this last resort plan into the ring and your DD will have to take what comes if she chooses to go with him. Just be there for her and watch it unfold. Being a good parent is knowing when to let your DCs go. Its horrid (I know myself) but there is also a comfort in knowing that they are leading their own lives, and you are always there in the background for them - whatever happens.

Hello again.

Well my sol says ptm is "a shit" which we all know anyway.

Long and short? If we have to go to court they won't sanction paying privately for DD to do exactly the same course she's already doing in state education, no matter what colour the football shirt she gets to wear for a few months.

So. Given that DD has to let this place know by beginning of April ptm is VERY keen not to go to court as that takes months and he needs to fulfil his promises to DD. AND he is hiding something. So we have adjusted my proposals accordingly and if he accepts as a quick way of releasing the capital he needs then we should be done in about 3 months. I'll get a good enough settlement too.

So here we go. As you so rightly say Doha and McNaughty sad times but they could be almost over.

The good thing is that your sol has the measure of PTM and I?m sure will have seen it all before. PTM?s last-ditch attempt to frame you is losing impetus so use all in your power to make sure your settlement is fair and finally break free from his games.

So the little ?shit? is hiding something? my God, do these people have no conscience, do they never stop trying to hurt people? I had a good laugh at your sol calling him a ?shit; somehow it fits the bill, but really it is a wholly inadequate word to describe him.

If it helps, just go back to one day at a time again. Don?t let him drain your energy ? keep it for being positive.

So the court would support your decision if you said DD couldn't go to this school?

Does ptm have to abide by anything he says/signs voluntarily? Or could he say he'll settle then change mind at last minute and thus delay court still further?

Would it be worth DD having a chat again with someone independent, eg a counsellor or careers adviser, re the school thing?

Sorry, posted too many pushy Qs, am bit stressed this eve, sorry!

Hey. thanks both of you.

Sorry you're stressed Dozer, it's nearly Friday though so keep going!!

No the court wouldn't support my opposition, but they wouldn't support diverting the settlement away from DD's primary needs for a decent home if her going to a fee paying college would mean I had to sell up and live somewhere inappropriate. That would be the case even if we both wanted her to go if the situation would make things worse for her. No. Legally I can't stop her going as she isn't going to be 'at risk', so I've given her my blessing and now I've done that she is expressing her doubts about it - she can't trust ptm to keep his promises to her and she's afraid of relying on him to deliver what she so badly wants (where have I heard that one before?).

he has told her that I'm holding up the process and I haven't done what I'm supposed to do to move things forward (including not returning his text message). So I offered to show her all my sol's letters to him and me which show how much pressure she's had to put on him. DD declined. I also explained that due to the lack of trust that I have in him in my own right I don't feel anything can be gained by talking to him when the case is in the hands of my sol. She understands. So we're ok, she's relieved that I'm behind her and she knows that ptm has to agree and sign up quickly if we're going to get her place secure.

DD has been seeing a counsellor who has helped her enormously. Actually I think we're partly dealing with the normal stuff that goes on when kids prepare to leave but DD is focussing on what could go wrong rather than what might be good (i.e. we will lose our relationship etc). She's still coming to terms with the divorce and trying to do her growing up and it's not easy. But I really feel we could be on the last stretch and it's all down to ptm now. All I can do is support her in what she wants to do if it comes off, or give here loads of love if it doesn't, I guess .

Hmm... I do hope by "support" you mean moral support, somewhere to bolt to if things don't work out at the academy, and guaranteed love, rather than underwriting the cash; and that DD is quite clear on that point? At least she's not so blinded by her dreams as to trust the old bugger to deliver.

ps Izzy, XH likes cellars. He's getting increasingly like Gollum with advancing age, only less pale and with smaller feet. You may still wish to include him, though, as his presence should be adequate torture for the other twunts. He is probably fairly flush with small change these days, so worth a good shake. As a bonus his teeth may fall out.

Thanks wisey.

Really hope that ptm comes up with the goods, but somehow doubt it

lol annie, your ex sounds like another real catch!

It's patently obvious that the fucking callous twunt ptm has spun your dd a line merely to spite you and I suspect that, if he's got to put his hand in his wallet, she won't be going to any academy or leaving your home any time in the near future, Wisey.

As you're an adult with a historic bedrock of experience and wisdom that predates ptm which you can use as a foundation stone when building your new life, it can confidently be said that her father's behaviour has caused your dd to sustain more trauma than any other party.

Frankly, I hope that he doesn't play ball and that he'll be broken on the wheel forced to account for himself in a Court of Law, and I sincerely hope that you haven't offered to take less than you rightfully deserve in order to secure an end to his convuluted and protracted financial stalling.

I somehow feel that your xh will discover an averson to cellars after 5 minutes or so in our little underground playroom Annie. Small feet, you say? Cheers for the heads up - I'll leave my trusty blade at home as it's not likely I'll want to collect a trophy

Ah yes, moral support not financial support.

I see the game plan. PTM promises DD yet again that he can deliver the goods. He appears to play ball with the sol. However he can ONLY deliver to DD if I give up some of my share of the settlement . I can't do that and for all the reasons which have come to light in the last year, I won't. Thus, unless PTM is REALLY a man of his word (which we all know he isn't) and pays for this debacle out of his own purple pocket, he can neatly lay the blame at my door if she can't go.

I have given my blessing to her, told her I'll miss her terribly when she goes, told her she will always have a home with me. But I've also told her I fully expect her DF to do this on his own and not at my/our expense. She understands the principle if not the legalities and she has her own doubts as to whether he'll follow through. She understands that I don't need to talk to him because that's what I pay thousands to my sol to do (yes, it's already about £3000 in, and we still haven't got there). It'll be up to me to balance transparency with protecting DD about the process so he can't do too much damage to our relationship.

There's no way I'll give in to him, and I'm fully prepared to go all the way to letting a court adjudicate the matter . The very fact that PTM has resurrected his original plans almost a year to the day we separated tells me he really has no conscience and believes he knows just how to exploit people's vulnerabilities to his own ends. He'd give Machieavelli a run for his money I think. Did I mention that this is a man who makes his living as a therapist?

You did, and it's a very scary thought.

Awful. Am surprised he's managed to hold onto his job.

Hi Wisey - just caught up with your latest happenings - so sorry that all this is going on with DD. What a twunt PTM is. Speaking of twunts....SHLs told mine that we're off to court soon, because his "generous" offer for settlement, is, according to her, "a bloody insult". So insulting, in fact, that she ran round the office, shoving it under the other solicitors noses, so they could all have a laugh.

He's not a happy twunt right now; nor is Lady Twunt apparently, who is getting fed up with Lord Twunt being moody and sullen (welcome to my ex-world Lady Twunt).

Apart from desperately wanting closure on the whole sorry saga (it's over 10 months since I kicked him out), I'm ok - kids ok (youngest DS now has nothing to do with his dad, just decided that he didn't want to see him any more).

Apparently, it will take 3 months for the first hearing - do any of you lovely MNetters know what this entails?

Chin up and boobies out Wisey! You'll get through this cos you're amazing. X

Is this the first hearing in the divorce court saffy? Do you have your nisi/absolute and have you engaged in any mediation process?

Hi Wisey and Saffy. Just wanted to say that I am also going down the court route too. My SHL and I decided a week ago. Three months is a long time to wait isnt it, but as my lawyer said at least we will reach a conclusion under a time scale set by the court. (and it takes the power out of all the Twunts hands.)

I have been told that in the particular Court mine will be heard in that I wont need to attend the first hearing. It varies from area to area apparently.

Thanks izzy and springaround.

I tried mediation last year briefly, then referred it back to SHL. It is the first hearing, and I have the nisi came through in December...this is because he's been a little bit stingy on the financial front (to put it mildly)

Like you springaround, at least once its in court, they will have to adhere to the timescale - mine has stalled at every possible opportunity, and I just want it all done and dusted.

Good luck X

How you doing Wiseyone?