After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words...after years and years of being told that I was the one who was always over-sensitive and paranoid, it's very reassuring to see that your reaction to HRT (His Royal Twuntness) is as jaw-dropping as mine.

It looks like we're heading to the courts to sort out the final settlement, as in the words of SHL "he's spat his dummy out".

If only the woman who married him 23 years ago, knew half as much about him as she knows now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing....

Wisey - hope you're ok - how are things with NM? And most importantly, how are you? X

Saff i'm doing ok on the whole - good days and bad days. NM is proving himself to be what and who he says he is, and I wouldn't stand for anything else now. He rang my eldest DS one day when I was low and he couldn't come down, and he asked him to come and just give me a hug. But i'm filled with a sadness and that's how it is.

As for you though:

Actually the fact that you lived with and now know everything there is to know about HRT and you're STILL SANE, is testimony to how strong and together a woman you are! Take him to court, make him squirm, look him straight in the eye and we'll all be there.

Well, the way I look at it is, if I'd been smart all those years ago and ditched the waste of space, I wouldn't have had my fabulous DCs. Whatever his shortcomings, he was a mighty fine sperm donor.

Hi Wisey,
i'm filled with a sadness and that's how it is. I feel for you Wisey, I think any of us having to deal with PTMs,Twunts etc feel sadness but I think you have had that much extra. Time is a great healer and I firmly believe you are on the right road but it's going to take a while yet.

Saff - words fail me

Hello. I've been back to work this week and it helps.

I also had a talk with DD last night - about NM and PTM. She tells me that her DF wants to come back and has dumped all his woes on her admitted he would do anything to go back in time and not break all his marriage vows to me. She would love him to come back, but would be very disappointed if I finished with NM as "I think he's lovely and I don't know where you'd find someone else as nice as him".

If ever there were a budding Wisey in the making, she is a shining example.

Glad to see that you are doing OK Wisey

So PTM has gone full circle and has wakened up to what he has lost. Didn't take him long? Your DD seems to have the measure of him now and has also started to have a more equal relationship with him, she's growing into a wise young woman, in no small part due to your sensitive handling of her DF's behaviour.

I can understand her own desire to turn the clock back but she realises that doing that is not an option any more. And so does PTM.

I also am loving reading about NM and how well that is all going. Baby steps are working well and giving you all time to get used to all these changes. He's sounding more and more like a keeper.

And PTM has realised too late that the keeper he had in you, is waving back at him from the horizon. He can repent at leisure.

You know PTM would soon go back on his new-found respect for you if you did have him back. One woman at a time was never enough for him. A bad case of greener grass syndrome - the one out of reach is always the most attractive.

Funny, you thought you were a team, helping each other through life, then when he opted out - after a short spell of panic at the unexpected gap where a husband used to be - you did better by and for yourself. That's not what partnership should be about. You should be able to achieve as much or more together than two individuals can achieve apart. So one is forced to the conclusion that PTM was in fact keeping you down. Let's hope NM fulfils his apparent potential for proper team membership, then who knows what else you will yet achieve.

Cripes, inspired posts!!

It'll never happen you know. I'll never take him back, no matter what.

All the feelings, good and bad, about everything have gone. I don't feel anything for him at all now. And it was hearing that he wants to come back that killed the last bit off. So yes, I was a lesser person with him than I am without. He did me a massive but unintended favour really, and I'm smiling as I write this.

Oh, and I want to say something else, especially for any lurkers who are not yet where I am.

All the panic, all the fears I had about managing on my own, taking on ALL the responsibility especially the financial stuff which he used to control (and I use that term deliberately). They were unfounded.

I don't have much money to spare and I'm facing the prospect of finding somewhere for me and DD with all that this entails. But I don't fear it any more. I'm excited because I am in control at last. [smile)

Hear Hear - You are an inspiration Wisey, you'd better believe it!

Hear hear wisey

Saffy, your latest posts reminded me that although you so brilliantly take the piss out of twunt, so we often get a comical image of him, there is so much he has done and is still doing to be angry about. Likewise ptm. Words fail me.

will no doubt do all they can to drag out / get their way re financial stuff.

I also remember your early posts, both of you, and both of you kicking them out.

You have dealt with things amazingly and am full of admiration.

Wisey, did your mum like shoes?

If so (or not) may be a good time for some more new ones!

Before my aunt died last year she determinedly went shoe-shopping when v v sick, found the perfect pair to match a wedding outfit for her grandson's wedding coming up, she died the next day and was buried in the (lovely) outfit and shoes , maybe she knew that was what'd happen and wanted good shoes even in her coffin!

Dozer.

She LOVED shoes. She also loved clothes of every sort and her wardrobe is testimony to how much she did.

I bought a lovely pair of shoes for her funeral. I've not worn them since but I shall when/if I have to attend court with ptm as I know she'd want me to.

They did/do behave badly, Twunt and ptm, and for me taking the piss out of them takes some of the shock and disbelief away.

I would include ptm wanting to come back to the 'familiar and cosy' life he had before in the repertoire of bad behaviour. If what he says to DD about the last year is him being honest at last (it's been the worst year of his entire life and he's so, so sorry) then he's had plenty of time and opportunity to say these things before now. But no, ever the manipulator he chose the moment he judged that both me and DD were most vulnerable (the DAY after my mum died ffs) to make his announcement. DD says she felt so upset and embarressed as he was confessing all to her in the pub .

Actually I think that Twunt tops the chart and I feel angrier with him than I do with ptm for whom I occasionally feel pity. But Twunt just can't stop rubbishing his former life and his family because he has OW to fall back on (and I use that term advisedly too). PTM's OW didn't really want a serious relationship or a long term future with ptm and so he's in limbo and he wants me to be the fall back girl. Twunt's ego may not allow him to feel shame and regret now, but in those quiet moments at some time in the future he will, I believe, look back on his actions and his conscience will sting him. By then, of course it will all be far too late for anyone to notice or care and if he's lucky someone might feel a little pity for him. Perhaps he could hook up with PTM and they can each drown their sorrows!!

Hope things are going well Wisey and that being back at work is still feeling good. xx

Things are going ok thank you anothermum.

Except not for ptm. he is moving back to our small town in a few days. DD has been to see the room he is renting and she's in tears and so is he. It's damp, dirty and smells 'like dead people' and he has to share a bathroom. He's so sad and lonely and sorry for what he's done. He's lost everything. And he's moving into this awful place for DD, so he can see her.

Does this sound like the script from a very bad soap opera? Well folks, although I'm not laughing up my sleeve to see DD so upset neither do I believe this show for one second. And I'm not buying a ticket to see any more!!!

Got to go, NM is soon to arrive with belated bunches of roses and chocolates

Hope you have a great night Wisey with NM.

Don't think i'd be buying a ticket either.

He's not fucking sorry for what he's done. He's sorry about the consequences of what he's done. The rich girlfriend didn't work out. Tough.

Hey there! Clocking in after a while away from the thread.

Wisey, I am so sorry to hear about your mum and I know she'll stay with you always.

Glad to hear PTM is still a twunt but...

Saffy, your HRT has to top the twunt charts and then some. It would be funny if it wasn't so deeply sad.

Sounds like a rejected script from a godawful-trite Bollywood style movie, Wisey. Slumdog ex-millionaire? I can only hope the sharers of the 'en suite' are aware that they'll rarely get a look in while ptm is primping and preening before he emerges resplendent and smelling of his inner corpse Lynx.

It's curious how the fact that he's only got himself to blame acts as a total damper to any feeling of sorrow at his plight - no doubt you'll remember to thank him for giving us a good laugh saving you a fortune in tissues.

As for your piece of deadwood, Saffy, he truly is a king of twunts, a veritable monarch - nay, a god - of the realm of twuntdom. But monarchs are easily deposed and we all know what happened to Icarus

He's not fucking sorry for what he's done. He's sorry about the consequences of what he's done. The rich girlfriend didn't work out. Tough.

Here are some more consequences:

He has no friends.
He is working 7 days a week.

Sad, innit, how things never quite turned out the way he'd envisaged. Can't quite believe I was married for so long to this man.

You wonder whether he wakes up and feels he has landed in someone else's life.

But then I would be giving him credit for being self aware. Don't think he 'does' self awareness.

However, he did think that he knew you better than you did yourself. On that one he couldn't have been more wrong.

I hope your dd can through his crap.

If he working why can only afford a 'dirty damp' bedroom in a shared house. is he trying to guilt you into reducing the settlement your asking for.

McNaughty the only 'self' he knows is the one that goes 'it's me me me' and noone else but 'me'.

Never mind that his DD and I are going through bereavement, never mind that we're desperate for all this to end with some security and a place to live, never mind that he wanted out and now he's got what he wanted - NOW he wants something else. So we're expected to dutifully fall in, and he'll work on DD until he's the good guy in her eyes. I must admit I don't wish him harm, but neither do I feel inclined to help him in any way at all. It is what it is, after all.

NM has had a defining conversation with his stbx in which he has told her that yes, he has fallen in love and is wanting to live with me, that he's moved on and doesn't wish ill of her. I wonder if that's what needs to happen between me and ptm.

Anyway, I've instructed the sol to issue an application to court for the financial order. At least this is a process he can't manipulate and I know the direction it's headed in.

I don't think that needs to happen between you and ptm just yet, wisey.

Once the financial matters are fully resolved and you've found a new home, maybe you could give some consideration to dropping him a line or meeting in a neutral venue to illwish him a final farewell and express your hope that he finds the future as rewardng as yours is going to be.

I'd hazard a guess that once the shackles have been fully struck off, you'll not give much of a thought to ptm and any thoughts you may have will be of the indifferent variety.

Does nm's converstion with his w mean that their divorce proceedings are imminent?