Obviously I don't know anything about the things you feel bad about like possessiveness, but it's worth being aware of another thing that people like this often do in these circumstances, and that is to keep changing the subject to whatever they need to to avoid responsibility for what they've done wrong. Eg:
"You told me you hope I die. That's really hurtful and not OK."
"Yeah, well YOU'VE done hurtful things too. What about how possessive you were that night in July 1997?".
"I'm sorry to hear you haven't let go of that, despite my apologies, and we can talk about that separately if you like. But it's not the issue here: the issue is that you told me you hope I die."
"Yeah, well you've told me lots of things too. You told me you'd be better about doing housework..."
"Well, maybe that's something we need to talk about too. But that's not the issue here: last night had nothing to do with housework. I had done nothing wrong, but you told me you hope I die."
"Yeah, but you've done lots of other things wrong!"
"I'm sure that's true, since everybody does things wrong sometimes. But that's not what we;re talking about here: how can you think it's OK to tell me you hope I die?"
"er..."
The thing is, such people will do ANYTHING to avoid looking at something they've done simply as itself, as THEIR responsibility that they have to make amends for. They try everything they can, not matter how contrived, to relate it to every possible thing that YOU'VE done wrong, to shift the focus and the burden of responsibility to you.
You must not get sucked into this game, because you cannot win it. You need to draw very clear boundaries around what they've done wrong and refuse to discuss anything else until they've apologised without qualification ("I'm sorry for the outburst of aggression that your continual bad behaviour forced me into" doesn't count!) and done whatever needs to be done to put it right. THEN you draw a line under it, and move onto whatever else needs to be addressed.
If you don't do this, they will never change because they don't need to. They have an easy outlet for their problems by dumping them on you, so they never have to face them.
It may sound like I'm painting this kind of person in a very bad light but I don't mean to. I really believe they don't generally know they're doing it. It's a habitual way of being, supported by the willing though often subconscious collusion of their partner. Like I said my DW was a bit like this when we were first together, but she's a great person and I love her, especially now we've gotten beyond that way of relating to each other.