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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 07/08/2011 20:11

I thought I would offer that. I doubt she'll go for it, and I'm out 10 hours a day.
And I want her to be ok, I've known for several months I need to end it, I just don't want to give up on my dreams or make her sad. But I have to.

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RandomMess · 07/08/2011 20:20

Yes you do, the sooner the better, you are only putting of the inevitable and giving her the opportunity to make it even more difficult.

Original poster
joblot · 07/08/2011 21:59

I've arranged to see some friends later in the week to get support and love. She hates me talking to friends, which is partly why I posted here. I don't need to worry about her reaction anymore.
She's not home and I feel happy and relieved but wary.
God relationships are hard. I accept I'm not cut out for them. I'm 45 and its about time I gave up

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HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 22:01

Love, you have to put yourself first in your life.

You don't want to give up your dreams, that's good, but you can't be responsible for making her sad. jesus, it's not like you haven't mentioned it to her before! it's never nice to end relationships, but this is really harming you, and it's making YOU sad.

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 22:03

Relationships with damaged people are hard. Relationships with decent people that love us and what the best for us are (so I'm told) a walk in the park.

I'm sure if you ask your friends, they will support you and help out with the actual final exit mediation. there IS no plan B to this, you have to take your life back.

Original poster
joblot · 07/08/2011 22:08

A walk in the park? Mine have been climbing everest on bleeding stumps. I clearly don't chose well.
I hope you have had better luck.

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HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 22:16

me? laughs like a loon.... nah! 10 years of all that AND violence

Original poster
joblot · 08/08/2011 08:31

Ha. Not just me then.
She came home late and kept me up for a few hours raging. I kept calm and reasonable for which I'm relieved. It scares me but I have to get thru it. She's saying she'll move out in Sept. I didn't comment I want to keep the peace. And my sanity.

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Saffysmum · 08/08/2011 09:39

Joblot you're doing well, even if you don't realise it.

Now, she's saying she'll go in September, so that's progress. Although, only you know her well enough to realise that September will become October; October will become November.....

Now you've got a date from her, just keep cool and detached. Try really hard not to rise to the bait. Like a toddler, people like this will up the bad behaviour, so you need to protect yourself. Get as much RL support as you can and keep posting on here. Walk away when she gets nasty and personal. She will, by you keeping detached, now that it's over. She will probably, when she realises this promise you everything under the sun: "I'll change", ..."I'll get help", etc.

Good luck.

Original poster
joblot · 08/08/2011 10:20

Thanks I will try to keep in control. I'm getting emails berating me. It's hard not to defend yourself against lies and distortion. So I've put a few things straight which was probably a mistake. Again no nastiness just a bit of historical accuracy. It's infuriating being painted as the bad one. And unfair and dishonest.
Work is hard at the best of times. Deep breaths

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HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 15:56

ignore, ignore, ignore. She is demanding attention, she is actively making you miserable. this is what they do.

detach, detach, detach, delete, delete, delete.

Stick a filter on her emails into a folder marked "PyschoX", so you can read them if you wish, or delete them. If it is coming into your work email then you can talk to IT and get her address blocked. It's all about YOU taking back control. At the moment, she is controlling how you spend your time, controlling your thoughts, both of these my sending you utter BS, so it annoys you, is factually incorrect so you devote time to correcting her. See her game and beat her at it.

Abusers ALL tell US we are the ones at fault, every single one of them.

There is a book that Victims of male abuse all recommend to one another here, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I'd love to know if there is a similar book for same sex relationships.

If anyone has any input on that, it'd be great to know?

Original poster
joblot · 08/08/2011 17:57

How have people coped with the limbo period?
I've come home to sinister-ness and this will be happening quite a lot. At least no trashing has occurred.
I feel I have some responsibility for the malfunctioning of our relationship and that makes me really vulnerable. She knows this. I spent months trying to change for her. My own fault. I'm hoping she will stay away but hi sign yet.

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Original poster
joblot · 08/08/2011 18:23

How have people coped with the limbo period?
I've come home to sinister-ness and this will be happening quite a lot. At least no trashing has occurred.
I feel I have some responsibility for the malfunctioning of our relationship and that makes me really vulnerable. She knows this. I spent months trying to change for her. My own fault. I'm hoping she will stay away but hi sign yet.

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HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 23:28

no helpful suggestions there joblot, you just have to get through it.

It is hard.

focus unstintingly on what you want and defend it and insist on it until you get it. That She needs to leave as soon as possible.

In the meantime there will be no form of relationship, if you can move her out of your bed, do it.

She chose this path, you only chose to trust her. That misjudgement of character doesn't make you culpable or responsible for her choices or her behaviour/treatment of you.

Saffysmum · 09/08/2011 07:18

Hissy is giving you fantastic advice here Joblot.

Limbo land is lousy, the worse place to be. I was in it for a few weeks before ex left, and every day was like a week. I just got through it. I tried to gain all my strength and stay positive and kept focussing on the light at the end of the tunnel. You need a date or at least a small timescale for her to leave. September - well it could be the 1st or 30th! So try and make it clear when you want her out in September. Don't wait for her, but say something like, "I think it would be best if you could find somewhere by the 10th" sort of thing.

Then you'll be able to literally mark days off in your head. I got through it by keeping my distance as much as possible from ex, by being polite and civil when we were together, but not engaging in anything other than necessary talk. No small chat, jokes, "how are you?" kind of stuff. It is hard. I think that if you are sharing a bed, it's crucial that you stop. Even if this means that she won't leave the bed, and you sleep on the sofa/elsewhere. This will show her that you really mean business, and also give you space too. It's only for a few weeks. You don't have to be cruel - just resolute. She needs to see that this is for real, and that you won't respond to her jibes, insults, threats and tears. You can say stuff like, "I'm sorry we are going through this, I'm hurt too, but there's no turning back".

You are not responsible for this. You have every right to want out. It sounds like you've put up with far more than many people would. Which shows how much you wanted this to work. But in your heart of hearts you know it's over, and there's no solid foundations left to build a healthy future with her on.

So stay strong, lean on RL people, (and us) and build up a social life that's free from her. See other people as much as you can. Get away (even for a 20 minute walk) if you can.

You'll be ok. You just have a few weeks to get through.

Original poster
joblot · 09/08/2011 10:33

I'm hoping the end is in sight- she's looking at some properties tomorrow. Things are civil. We are both making an effort.
She seems sad rather than angry now. Which is hard because I'm sad and naturally doubting myself. But we have given our relationship loads of chances and still it didn't make us happy. I'm looking to the future but it looks rather bleak

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Katisha · 09/08/2011 10:39

Better a future without all this agony though. CHange is always difficult, but you only have one life - don't live it unable to be yourself, and trying to change to suit someone else's version of how things should be.

Original poster
joblot · 09/08/2011 11:22

Thanks katisha that is a timely reminder. I was starting to waver a little. I hate to think of the upheaval for stepson

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Katisha · 09/08/2011 11:34

He'll be OK - staying together "for his sake" won't do any of you any good.

HerHissyness · 09/08/2011 16:36

^ Shall I tell Katisha or will everyone else^?

[vindicated] Grin

HerHissyness · 09/08/2011 16:37

Oh drat, she meant DSS didn't she?

[back in my box]

TheOriginalFAB · 09/08/2011 17:33

I had to read that 3 times before I got it Grin.

Katisha · 09/08/2011 17:45

Yes O Hissy one, I am up to speed!

HerHissyness · 09/08/2011 17:59
Original poster
joblot · 09/08/2011 18:09

Well it gives me a smile if nothing else hissy.
All quiet here. Just very sad about my relationship failing and also finding it hard to do my job well. It's a job which takes an immense amount of emotional energy so I'm wrung out.
Thanks again to all who have commented, its useful reading thru again

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