i have had enough. i think

[joblot]

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

When I was splitting up from my abusive ex one of the hardest, but most important things I learned was to say "No". "No" to talking it over yet again, "No" to getting sucked into yet another conversation that would end in accusations and insults, "No" to rehashing who did what and to whom, "No" to yet another interminable and pointless phone call.

"No" can be a complete sentence in its own right. You are under no legal obligation to explain your reasoning or your feelings. If you've talked it over again and again then you're under no moral obligation to do it any more either.

Your ex-partner sounds like a bully and a con artist. All through your relationship you have (entirely unwittingly) taught her that all she has to do is increase the bullying and crank up the emotional abuse and sooner or later you'll cave in. She's behaving like a toddler having a tantrum because she's not getting her own way. But you are not obliged to stand there and listen to that tantrum. Yes, you will get all sorts of insults and accusations thrown at you. It doesn't make them true.

You know this relationship is abusive. You know that you do not deserve to be treated like this. I always tend to think of abusive relationships like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, but as long as you stay on that roller-coaster you're going to keep getting the same thing over and over again.

You can get off the roller-coaster. You can go and do something more fun instead. It will be ok.

Relate counselling can also help people leave a relationship more easily. Perhaps this time that's what it should be focussing on.

I think I need to speak with her about practical matters. She and son are still living in my house. Just need to stick to my guns and prepare for seeing her, given my propensity to guilt and problem solving.
Is this relationship abusive? It's hard to know, given how awful most abusive relationships are. I still feel some responsibilitu

It's abusive Joblot - take my word for it.

And regardless what label you/us put on it, it's over. You say you are so much happier when she's not there. That's all you need to know.

Just carry on as you are, talk about practical stuff, then walk away.

And try really hard to put yourself first - first time you've ever done this probably because you sound like someone who is used to giving more than you receive. But strive to do this.

Ok, so you are a problem solver... Well, you have problem here in your life that needs solving!

Don't discuss things with her, you KNOW how that's going to go... Her way! She'll manipulate you into god knows what, and actually, the facts are astoundingly simple. She needs to leave. ASAP! Everything else is mere complication and delay. The longer you allow this to drag on, the longer it'll be until you live in peace.

If the shoe were on the other foot, believe me, she'd drop you like a hot rock. Don't feel guilty, that guilt is standing in the way of your happiness. Focus on what you need and go for it!

Ok. I think you are probably right. I need to sort out details such as dates, but there is no mileage in trawling thru the shit again. Not for me anyway. I will have to be prepared.

I guess its usual to feel conflicting emotions- relief and calm vs guilt and sadness for what im losing.

Or should it be unbridled joy?

Don't discuss dates, you decide when she has to go and tell her......

I am completely serious about writing her an eviction letter it will be the quickest for her to be housed somewhere.

Perhaps one of you could come with me. I could do with some righteous indignation by my side. Seriously. I am taking advice on board however and will do the right thing, despite my dithering

What you have to remember is once the love has gone and you don't want to get it back it won't ever come back. Ask yourself if you want to live in a relationship that you get nothing out of, or all you get out of it is grief.

She may well come back contrite, but for how long? How long before things get bad again.

Structure is what you need, a structured exit.

You have tried and been beaten down by the way she acts, it squashed the love out and left nothing but badness.

It's OK to feel sad and grieve for what might have been, or the hopes you had for this. And for the general upheaval and grimness of fall-out.
But it's not OK to just let what turned out to be a dysfunctional relationship carry on for the sake of avoiding conflict and upheaval in the short term.
We may not be able to come with you, but imagine the virtual support group standing right behind you!

Yep will imagine virtual support. Have seen friends this week and best mate coming round tonight so I shall be prepared. Feel sick thinking about it. She's coming to the house tomorrow. I hope it will be civil.
I need to accept this is q difficult time and I have to.get through it, i can't bypass it

Ok. It was an abusive relationship. Have been awake a while, usually am at this time, and reliving some of the horrors of the past 2 years. The sooner she is out of my life the better. I'm looking forward to peace and happiness, at last.

Joblot - between 3 a.m. and 4.00 a.m. Horrible time to be awake. It's when us humans are at our lowest ebb physically and mentally. It's when (I'm a nurse) we lose most patients at work. It's also for me, if I'm awake the time the full impact of all that's happened hits me. But also, it's when I see things so clearly too.

I think you've put up with being abused for so long, you're worn down by it all. I got like this too - I honestly didn't know how bad things were until they were over and I could reflect upon them. What happened for me is that my confidence was slowly eroded over many years. I was being controlled by a cold calculating man, who played a lot of mind games with me (unlike your situation - no screaming or hysterics). I got so that I didn't trust my own judgement any more. If I ever had the strength to stand up to his bullying, he would tell me I was paranoid or over sensitive.

Although your reluctance to finish things proves how kind and considerate you are, it also shows that you can't trust yourself to make the right decision - because she has eroded your self belief and judgement. Now, at night, your inner voice is saying "do it - do the right thing". So it's great that you are becoming more in tune with what you want, and recognising that you have to finish it, and it is abuse.

I didn't realise that I was being abused - verbally and emotionally - until my ex left. Then I realised more and more how bad it was. Even now, I remember things and it all falls into place - and I think "why the hell did I put up with that?" - I did, because he'd made me into a vulnerable shell of my real self.

You're doing well - keep resolute, keep posting.

I hope you managed to get back to sleep and today is a better day. Just remember "No" is a complete sentence. Do not get dragged into length discussions on the practicalities of splitting. It is your house you completely have the right to tell her to move out regardless of whether she has anywhere to go or not. As I keep saying write her a letter of evication and the council will have to provide some level of temporary accommodation because of her son.

I did get back to sleep, thanks for the messages. I've been waking early hours for the last 2 years and I think you have a point saffysmum, about clarity of thought. I just swallowed it all down inthe past aNd fretted terribly.
It's like the suns rising again for me.
Am well prepared for the meeting

You did say you were depressed, sleep disturbance is a HUGE part of depression.

It will go, it will stop, try not to worry about it, it's only a symptom. A bloody annoying one, but a symptom none the less!

When she is gone, life will be better. change the room around, get new duvet covers and stuff, change the feel of the room!

It went well and I'm terribly sad. Don't feel able to move physically. She was more reasonable than she's been in a long time, which really took me by surprise.
I guess I have to accept the sadness and live with it. She's found somewhere temporary to move into which is a relief to us both. I feel wiped out

Good news, start packing her stuff up, the sooner she is gone the sooner you can start recovering.

She took quite a lot. Then rang to ask am I sure its over because i don't seem it. It got heated and I started to panic. Finished the call and now sitting tight hoping there'll be no more.
I'm getting there. Much respect to those who've supported and encouraged me, its still a great help.

Joblot - you feel drained because you were on "red alert" for her to kick off - I so know that feeling.

You ARE getting there. Think how far you've come in the last couple of weeks. Expect the unexpected, but keep telling yourself that you are in control, that you are happier without her, and that good times are round the corner. Be kind to yourself. This, if you're anything like me, will be difficult.

Treat yourself like you would your best friend. I mean it. Do it.

The light's at the end of the tunnel - promise.

Keep posting, we all understand.

Of course you are sad love, it IS sad, giving up on an idea that someone was a good partner, if only they'd stop doing x, y, z...

I know you feel drained, I know you feel deflated, but let me remind you, she is being reasonable for NOW..

Your OWN feelings have changed on this thread, from defeat, to anger, worry, guilt, focused. An abuser uses change, uses tactics to unseat their victim, so you will need to be on your guard for a little while longer, just until you have managed to remove all need to contact you.

If she has somewhere to go, push for that to be concluded as quickly as possible. Use the old 'It'll be better to do it sooner rather than later, as if it's delayed one or other of us will start to resent the other and it's best to part on the reasonable grounds we have at the moment, not wait until it gets so we can't stand to share the same oxygen." Make sure she redirects her post, make sure any bills she owes you for are paid. remove all reason for her to contact you.

When it's done, change your number, change your email, and if she emails work, get that nipped in the bud too.

The phone call is a classic abuser thing, they all do that, and she will try to do that more and more I am sure. SHE is the one that is panicking.

Don't rise to it, don't answer her calls, let the voicemail get it and text her back. Switch off phones if you have to.

So she finds temp accomodation, takes a load of stuff, and then because you don't have quite the right expression about you, she rings and starts to harrass you over whether it's actually over?
She is playing games.

I'm worried about her. She was in a terrible state last night. I feel so anxious again. She keeps saying im ok and I am. She is in a mess and I feel some responsibility for that. I'm scared for her.
Is this usual?

Yes it is.

And no, you are not responsible for her. Only she is responsible for herself. Your responsibility is first and foremost to YOU.

Change your landline and mobile numbers and e-mail address. You will get nowhere by being sucked into putting her needs first, again. Only by cutting contact will you be able to get back in touch with yourself and your own needs.

The breakdown of your relationship with her is a direct consequence of her behaviour. This is not your responsibility. She's a big girl and it's time she got her big girl's pants on and goes and sorts herself out.

You are not her therapist and I suggest it would be in neither yours, nor hers, best interests to let her try to force you into that role.