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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 14:22

In an abusive situation, you sadly have to realise that you are not dealing with an ordinary person, that reasoning, negotiation, and pleading won't work.

They may be conscious of how they are treating you, but their entitlement is greater and more important than your insignificant feelings, you want to be fair, but that is not going to work out.

They don't play fair, they play to win, every. single. time.

We have recently been discussing this on the EA support thread, that we are dealing with Mr Hyde, hoping that the lovely Dr Jekyll we met and fell in love with will return.

Sadly Dr Jekyll is a method to capture us, to entice us in. Oh there will be flashes of Dr Jekyll , just to string us along, but long term those appearances of nice grow smaller and smaller as events and behaviour escalates to offset your immunity to oppression.

colditz · 07/08/2011 14:28

As you are a woman, womensaid can help you, and should help you. Even if you were a man there arepeople who can help you because NOBODY regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation or race or disablitiy status, deserves to be abused.

Your partner sounds horrible.

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/08/2011 14:35

Yeah, she does sound horrible. An my dd's father told me that he hoped I got cancer, once. I have never forgotten it. It was a huge nail in the coffin of out relationship.

joblot, you are being abused. It's not your fault, the being abused part - you really need to get away for some peace of mind. She's vile to you

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/08/2011 14:35

Hissy

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 14:37

Have to say I thought you were a woman at the beginning of the thread, no idea why.

It sounds awful and I can only suggest you leave. Hopefully you will be able to keep some level of contact with your dss.

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/08/2011 14:41

I think it's because it's an emotional OP. Generally men come across more clinical in the written word. IMO

Apologies for discussing your gender like you aren't here, joblot

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 15:14

She's not horrible generally, it upsets me to see that's how I've portrayed her. She's got more baggage than I realised. We had a good 18 months before she moved in. Embarrassing to admit but my gut said don't do it and I overrode it thinking it would work, hoping we would be happy. Deluded, but hopeful. If I'd listened to my gut we wouldn't be in this mess now. She was in a violent marriage and hasn't sorted that- she's ashamed of it. Her family is unsupportivve and grasping. She only has one good friend so realistic feedback and support are in short supply.

OP posts:

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 15:20

Just tried again to end it. Got lots of insults and accusations. I need to stick to my guns and push for the split. It's incredibly hard. I work full time, she doesn't. I dread to think what she might do when I'm out. I must remove important papers before tomorrow but where on earth do you hide stuff? I've felt physically ill for a while with all the misery and lack energy and courage. I darent go out

OP posts:

bear1234 · 07/08/2011 15:35

Job lot - are you on this site because you also have a new baby? If so, I want to point out that my husband claims during pregnancy and up to a year after birth I am horrible and a nightmare to live with! If your partner is post-natal it could be causing her to do things she wouldn't normally do. Obviously, I have denied and objected to my husband being so blunt and rude, but looking back there were definitely a few times he had a point. We are still very much together and happy - is it possible you could work through it? On the other hand I don't want to encourage you to stay in an abusive relationship... I suppose it depends on whether either of you are behaving in your normal character or not....or whether she is having a hard time post nattily, which I can sympathize with..

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 16:03

No stepson is 12. She does however cite hormones as responsible for many moodswings. I have tried to sort it. we've been to relate. I've posted on here. I've talked to friends, I've written down my thoughts (she has read mmy thought notes a few times despite me hiding them, and this has triggered some horrible rows)
I've run out of ideas. I have to face up to some bald facts- we can't get on, she's too angry for me, I'm too soft for her, happy ever after fails again. I can't help but see me as a failure. I think its time to stop trying to get a good relationship, for whatever reasons I can't do it.
anyway. at least the suns out

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 16:09

You do need to stick to your guns, really. You are not happy, and this is affecting you deeply, she needs to leave.

Take your most important documents with you, if you have a desk at work, put them there in a safe place.

deste · 07/08/2011 16:18

Whose house is it. If its yours give her a deadline to get out. If you are renting get out yourself. I also thought from the beginning that you were female. This relationship is making you ill and nothing will change till you are separate. It sound like she had a lot to do with the violent marriage although I bet she has blamed it on the ex.

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 16:21

great, only me that made an ASS of myself?

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 17:31

Yes I will take stuff to work. Hadn't thought of that. I'd put it in carboot but that's where she found it last time.
She's going out and asked me to look after son. I can't say no. She won't say w&en she'll be back, she's deliberately trying to get me to say something. I'm determined not to rise to the bait. I feel sick with anxiety and my neck and head ache. This is almost unbearable

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 17:33

Yes, this is consistent with my experience and that of others on the EA thread too.

The goading us into biting is what they love to do.

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 17:48

Well that worked, surprisingly. She's gone and taken son grudgingly. Got an earful but worth it to have a bit of peace. No doubt more later but I'm girding my loins.
Thanks again for helping me through. Covert smartphone use has been invaluable, meaning I could post without het knowing. Sad but true

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 18:03

I hope you manage to sort this out for the sake of you mental health asap.

deste · 07/08/2011 18:54

Use the time she is out to get stuff together. You sound very worn down and the only way from here is up.

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 19:13

You shouldn't have to live like this, you do know that don't you?

get your stuff together and hers ideally, if she comes back and kicks off, 999. It really IS that simple.

PhilipJFry · 07/08/2011 19:17

Can you change the locks ASAP, joblot? You do not want her to be able to get into your house and cause any damage, take anything or reinstate herself.

Original poster

joblot · 07/08/2011 19:24

I couldn't do that. I don't want to escalate it and it wouldn'tbe fair on stepson. It's up to me now to be consistent and strong. A weight has partially lifted.
In my last post I meant her not het, wasn't alluding to hissy's lack of gaydar

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 19:28

Well, I... erm

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 19:31

I think you need to be brave.

state and state again that you wish to end the relationship and that she has to leave. Don't get dragged into the whys and wherefores, she knows, you have spoken about it long enough. the line must be drawn.

Tell her that she has to leave, and that it must be as soon as possible.

Give her a deadline to leave, a week, but on the proviso that she treats you with respect in the meantime, or you will take steps to have her removed. It's not the tactic you would choose, but if needs must, she has to go.

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 19:32

Give her warning, give her the deadline then have the locks changed.

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 19:34

I would offer to let her son stay (if you are happy to have him) but she has to leave pronto.

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