i have had enough. i think

[joblot]

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

every silver lining eh?

It is sad, I know exactly what you mean, the what ifs, the doubts, the memories of hopes that never manifested.

In Why Does He Do That, we are shown conclusively that WE are not to blame.

IMO, Abuse is nothing to do with gender, it is everything to do with control.

I wonder, could you call WA or Rainbow and ask them if there is a good book to help you as much as Why Does He Do That can. I feel that even though the gender is irrelevant, for words to truly resonate with you, they really have to be pertinent to your situation.

It's My Life Now, by Meg Kennedy Duggan has a whole chapter devoted to abuse in same sex relationships, but this is a book for those that are out, I feel it may be beneficial though, if it explains the dynamics of abuse, but have not read it myself. From the 'look inside' function, it would appear that the greater subject of abuse is discussed, but to what extent I don't know.

I want you to find a way of understanding that you didn't do this, that this is something being done TO you, that you should have no shame. Sure you will feel sad, but I don't want you turning this in on yourself, that would be grossly unfair on you.

Thanks hissy. You are very kind. Are you a buddhist?
I am feeling stronger and better already. And we are getting on better tho its still hard. She's excited about finding a new place and that takes a weight off me.
I'm fully out. Was anxious about being exposed on here is why I was vague at the outset

No, don't really believe much of anything really, just that we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be to US and to one another.

Oh good, I hope that lull lasts. It may not though, don't pre-empt it, naturally, but just be ready, just in case... this could be another attention tactic, to try to make you beg her to stay, she may yet turn when you don't bite.

If she does, just ignore as much as you can, refuse to engage and use it to reinforce your decision to ask/tell her to go. Insist on respect.

Yes I had half a mind on that. Perhaps we can have a happy ending? Unlikely but it would be good for my mental health and I do wish her happiness.
I feel so relieved, I can see it was the right thing. It's interesting that she agrees it was the right thing. Tonight at least.
We shall see eh? I'm a complete cynic normally. But I seem to be falling into gormless positivity. Hmmm

Ha - I shall use "gormless positivity" next time I am accused of cynicism. Which is often!

I am just gormless today. It will be horrid these next few weeks. Coming home from work is really unpleasant when she's here. Perhaps we need to agree to avoid one another? Or I just ensure I do something after work if I know she's around.

You just have to accept that the next few weeks are going to be horrible - but focus on the end result. It will pass. Yes, keep out of each others way if you can, but otherwise, you just have to cope with it. There's no easy answer, but I promise you that the end result will be worth it. This too will pass, as they say. Sending you hugs.

Thank you for that. I've spent a few hours with a good friend and I'm hoarse. I needed to talk. Have come back to much weeping, am trying to be kind but not get pulled in. Not much down time at the moment. I've a terrible habit of feeling guilty/responsible for others and its not good. Hard to fight it tho.
Hope there is some happiness around for you decent lovely people who help out when its hard times. Hope I can use this to help others too

How are you today joblot? Glad you spent time talking it all out with a good friend, it is very helpful and necessary to do this.

I too have the habit of feeling guilty/responsible for others. So I know how you feel.

You will get through this - you came back to P weeping - yes, that is natural for her to weep, and whilst you can feel empathy for her, remember that you've done your fair share of weeping too. You have to just keep going for a few more weeks.

You sound a very kind and caring person, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. It's natural to wonder whether you're doing the right thing (if you are) but listen to your gut instinct. You simply can't go on as you have done any more, it's soul destroying.

I'm sat in my office trying desperately not to cry, nose and eyes defying me. I have to pull myself together. Ex rang and gave me grief. Emotional pressure. Tried to resist but feel utterly crap. Then had a run in with 2 staff, for which I will have to apologize when I can stop crying. I'm finding it so hard to make decisions at work but there's no let up.
Just wanted to get it off my chest.

You are in my thoughts. You still have some bad times ahead. Does P have somewhere to go to yet?

She's wanting to stay now. And talking about buying a house which would draw it out more. The thought is unbearable but has every right to. I've said she must speak to friends and counsellor not me. Am working on distractions and meditation.
Sorted the work issue out and am pleased I dealt with it

Well done on the work front - go and get a nice cappuccino or something.

What's the current arrangement where you live - do you rent together or do you own? I know you can't just chuck her out, but as you say, deciding to start the epic process of buying a house will certainly prolong the misery. Is she just stalling now do you think?

Am on holiday, so posting from phone, so will be brief.

I thought she would have a change of mind, the compliance with your wishes, raising your hopes only to dash them is text book!

Stick with the plan, tell her regardless of her ideas to buy a house, she has until september to leave. You've agreed she's going to leave your home, just reinforce it like a broken record, be intransigent (sp?) And don't deviate.

All you have to do is hold your line. This the hard bit, but you will clearly understand the reward for this, you'll be free of her shit!

If she's rude to you on the phone,hang up immediately, by email, delete and block, end every way she finds of belittling you.

I've had to do this myself, it's hard, but essential!

Thinking of you.

Agree with everything Hissy says.

She's stalling - she can still buy somewhere, of course she can. From wherever she moves to in September. You need to be firm and not waver on this, tough though it will be. If she sees a chink in your armour she'll exploit it. Expect a rough ride - tears, the silent treatment, tantrums, threats, the lot. Reality is starting to sink in for her now, so she'll try every trick in the book. If you anticipate this, you may be able to detach from it a bit when it happens.

Hissy - hope you're having a great holiday and somewhere hot and sunny - i.e. not England!

Ha ha ha ha! Only chance I've got of getting burnt is by wind burn! I'm in North Wales, Land of the Horizontal Rain! Loving it though! Just as well, cos looks like this is what it'll be for the week!

Agree with you there Saffy, the every trick in the book is definitely on the cards, joblot, expect everything and everything, but don't deviate from the You have to leave BY september script, be as boring as possible to her, and repeat the We're over statement as often as you need to. It's excruciating, it's exhausting, but you know it has to be done. Be OUT as much as possible if it helps. Don't let her use you as her supply, cut it all off.

You are both right, thanks for taking time to respond. I keep slipping back into taking responsibility for things that aren't mine. She has tried twice now to say I haven't said its over so she doesn't know where she stands. I'm perplexed. I've been clear. She wants us to talk tonight. I don't but I've agreed to, don't see how I can avoid it and I need to restate what's been said.
Detachment is good but then I get berated for heartlessness.
Need to acquire more backbone

joblot - this is part of her working on you - trying to say she doesn't know that it's over, of course she does. Tonight just simply restate clearly and calmly that it's over, and there's no going back, and you want her out by a date (set this date!) in Sept.

It does take guts, because your a caring person, and it's not in your nature to do this. But you have no choice, you can't live like this anymore.

If she gets abusive, then walk away - go out if necessary. Don't get drawn into anything that she can throw back at you.

This is hard and horrible for you, and goes against the grain, but it has to happen. If you back down, things won't improve, and you'll kick yourself for not getting out when you had this chance.

Absolutely resolutely tell her it is over and that she needs to move out at a given date in early September, write her a letter of evication, then the council will provide temporary accommodation. In fact evict in a weeks time or so.

She will use every trick in the book to manipulate you into staying.

Please look after yourself.

It's a hard slog. I veer from feeling relieved to feeling anxious to guilty to sad. She wants to try again and I wonder if its possible, if we live apart. It's awful seeing someone so distressed and knowing you can ease it

It's awful seeing someone so distressed and knowing you can ease it

Yes, I know. It's not in your nature to sit back and witness this, because you're a kind and considerate person.

It may be possible if you live apart, it may not.

I would I think tell you just don't know about the future, and about what will happen, but the only way you can decide is if she moves out, you both get space to sort out what you want. If she then keeps changing her behaviour and becomes unreasonable and nasty, you will be able to say, "how can we ever be together when this happens - this is why we need space apart".

Don't think about a future with her, until you have put some space between you. You need to heal, to reflect and to evaluate. You might not miss her as much as you envisage when she moves out; you might miss her very much.
But you need to separate to find this out.

So tell her that she must move out by an agreed date, and then you will both take it from there.

Don't cave in. If you do, you'll be back to square one in no time at all.

Good advice ta. It's a bit of a stream of consciousness I'm afraid.
But I seriously need help as I've lost perspective and confidence.
I do need space. Ive felt better this week than i have done for a year.
Fascinating dreams too, which give pretty clear messages

You have reached a decision and that's good. It is good that you have felt so much better, really shows in your subconscious that it has been the right decision.
Now you have to deal with the surrounding messiness and the fact that your partner hasn't managed to arrive at the same point of clarity.
Stay strong and don't be tempted to re-enter the fray. It's not going to help anyone.

Hi joblot.

Sorry note been back on the thread - been away on hols. Glad there was some resonance for you in what I described.

Having read further, it's very clear she needs to go so you can get your space and sense of perspective back. People with a poor sense of emotional responsibility and boundary are really impossible to live with.

Whether you might be able to have a relationship with her after that, I don't know. I wouldn't let that influence things now though. You're going to have to be really firm about following through on getting her out.

God I feel for her son.

She's only distressed cos she's losing her object to belittle, abuse and control, not the fact she's splitting up with you, not that you are unhappy enough with her that you're telling her to go!

I don't doubt that this woman did think she had feelings for you, but she has no idea how to relate to people, how to treat or love them. Staying with her will only harm you, the swifter you part, the better and better you'll feel, and sooner too!

Stay focussed, she's going, she didn't stop making YOU suffer did she, when she could have quite easily done so.