i have had enough. i think

[joblot]

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

So pleased Joblot that you, while in the midst of all this, are recognising that you feel better already. Hang onto this. And our subconscious is very accurate - you're getting positive dreams - that means a lot, says that you're doing the right thing.

Agree with wind and rain swept Hissy (hope you're still having fun love) that she's only being like this because of her loss of control - not losing you.

I feel sorry for the lad too - it must be breaking your heart. But leave that until later, just get through the next few weeks - get some space and reflect. Just because you're distancing yourself from her - possibly for good - doesn't mean you can't be a part of his life.

One step at a time. Hold on to those positive moments. They will sustain you through the negative ones.

Good luck - you're doing very well.

As everyone else says you need to hold firm to the understanding that this is an abusive relationship and you have the right to be free from it.

Once you've got your home back and recovered you can be far more helpful to her son, I hope you manage to stay in contact with him.

She's staying out tonight and I feel free and happy. Just what I needed. Short term. Have heeded advice and kept a friendly distance. It has worked today at least. The guilt has receded too thanks to your timely reminders. And rereading this thread plus my diaries.
Onward and upward eh?
Weathers grim here, hope n Wales is basking in sun. But doubt it

Rmess I will try to maintain contact but he has lots of other commitments and I don't want to pressure him. But we have a good relationship so maybe I need to be assertive about it. Can't believe how cowed I've become.

Coming up here is like Summer's taken a week off! Jumpers, macs, open fires, heated blankets! It's flipping fabulous!

You're doing the right thing everything and everyone is telling you that, hold on to it, it'll be over soon enough and you'll be right as snowdonian rain! :)

I hope the sun comes put for you at leaders one day hissy. Makes life easier.
I have had a bit of a corner turn. I've atast had some time on my own and at 2 this morning realised what's been happening. I have been used and abused. She has taken masses and given very little. I'm a giver, I like to help and solve problems. I like being useful. So you see I set myself up for this. I expected an equal return, a give take relationship. Instead it has bled me dry, financially and emotionally. I supported her for 6 months after she suddenly gave up her job (I was struggling with doing most of the childcare, asked if we could look at how to manage it better, and she went beserk. And gave up work without any discussion. I think that was the first bad outburst)
I see it clearly now. At last. No wonder she doesn't want to go. I've been a gravy train.
Phew. Sorry to go on, its like a revelation. To me.

Glad you've had a lightbulb moment and seen a bit of clarity amidst all the pain Joblot; you'll have more of those, I promise (I still do, and I'm five months post separation).

It's essential isn't it, to have space so we can see the situation clearly. The more space you have now, the better.

Don't mean to be nosey, but is she quite young? She does seem very hot-headed and immature. Throwing a job away in this economic climate is daft, to say the least.

Ha saffysmum hotheaded is generous. Yes she's 32. Old enough to know better but immature too. So are you feeling better after 5 months? Did you have physical symptoms? The emotional ones go without saying

Hope you're having a "good" day, cup of coffee and read of the papers in a cafe can act as a much needed break. How can she buy a house if she hasn't got a stable job? Def seems a ploy to make you cave

It's an ok day thanks. X has come back.unexpectedly and very upset. Told her I'm not for trying again, she was asking if we could. She is accepting more responsibility for her actions but I can't trust her. I haven't asked about the mortgage, I can't imagine she'll get one but stranger things happen.
How is your day? Jolly, I hope

Very stressful (lots going on) but infinately jollier than yours.

Stay strong, once the trust has gone it's pretty impossible to get back, and certainly not once she has been so consistantly abusive for so long.

Physical symptoms? Oh yes...guts churning, thinking I would be sick. Unable to eat. Running to the loo too often. Feeling hyper for a few hours (almost manic - cleaning the house, sorting his stuff out). Running on pure adrenalin. Then feeling totally exhausted and just wanting to hide under the duvet for hours on end. Drinking a little too much, eat too little.

Heavy headed - almost migraine. Exhausted and weak and achy. Then next day, bright as a button, running around like the Duracell bunny. Then repeat. And shaking.

Lasted about a month. Then it all subsided, and became controllable.

Hang on in there - go with the flow - accept that it's all normal.

It's been unutterably awful. Constant sobbing and begging. Then berating. It's hard not to give in, not to feel concerned and responsible. She moved into my home and now I want her out. It's not fair on the boy either. I just don't know what's fair. I feel like a heartless ogre. What have i done? What am I? I have fucked up royally by being hopeful and unrealistic. I should never have let them move over

This was to be expected, she's realising that this is real, so she's getting more and desperate. She will as either myself or someone else said up thread, scream more, cry more, shout more. It's the only way she knows.

This is when you really do have to draw together all your strength and stay firm and resolute. It's not easy. But you know that it's for the best that she goes. You've already had glimpses of peace and happiness when she's been away.

Joblot, if this relationship was worth anything, your best times, your times of peace and happiness would be when you were together.

You know how unhealthy this relationship is. You cannot stay in the this relationship. She's now realising that you mean business. You will probably find her behaviour alternates between being extreme and then being quite ok - saying she'll find somewhere. When she's ok - she isn't really, she's just hoping that if you see her being reasonable, you'll give in. She's trying every trick in the book to stay. She's manipulative and abusing you.

You can't change the past - you did nothing wrong in letting them move in. And you're doing nothing wrong now in wanting them to leave.

You are not a heartless ogre. If you were you wouldn't have posted your concerns in the first place. Your caring and loving nature are apparent - but she's taken advantage of you for too long.

Just keep posting on here, keep firm and tell her that you demand space from her and the relationship, to see whether you can in any way have a future of some sort together.

Stop with the guilt! You are not responsible for her or her behaviour only she is. You have given this relationship every chance and you know you've made the right decision. You have to stay strong.

What's not fair on the boy is having to live in a home where there is a constant atmosphere and tension and believe me this will do more harm in the long term.

You feel like a heartless ogre because she has done a real number on you, your self esteem is shot to pieces as inevitably happens in an abusive relationship. I had my abusive ex back far too many times through guilt and each time got pulled back down into the nightmare.

You have made an incredibly brave and right decision by ending it and now have to stick to your guns.

Joblot - what sort of relationship is founded on one partner sobbing, begging and berating the other into it. THis is what you'd get if you gave in.

As said by the others stay strong, let the guilt bounce off. Yes she is upset, someone has stood up to her and said "enough, I refuse to be treated like your emotional punchbag anymore" and guess what she's still using you as her emotional punchbag and she will continue to do so for as long as you have contact with her.

What date have you given her to leave?

I am serious about giving her a letter of eviction, she can turn up at the council offices with that letter and they have to provide some sort of accommodation for her and her son. Tell her you will look after their belongs within reason for a further six weeks.

When she's gone change the locks and I would get a new mobile number and just check the old one occasionally to arrange a date for her to collect their stuff.

She is trying to emotionally blackmail you, please be strong.

The end of a relationship is hard, but you have seen for yourself that being alone makes you much happier. Sometimes no matter how much we try to make things work they never do, you cannot do it all on your own it takes two.

Get some structure, tell her when she has to be out by.

To continue to allow this to go on is going to make you mentally ill, and depressed. You don't deserve that, you deserve better.

Thank you for giving me back some perspective. I'm so dazed. I have got some responsibility for letting things get so awful. I knew at Xmas it was bad, that's when I started the anti depressents, to give me a break and work out if it really was my behaviour and attitudes that were the problem.
She's staying away for the week which is a very welcome break. Son is away so he hasn't witnessed this.
Squidsgirl how did you make the final stand? How does anyone cope with the sobbing and recriminations?

I think you just need to walk away. Try the broken record approach. "I know you are upset, but it is over, you're behaviour towards me has been unacceptable for x years and there is no going back"

Have you got any RL support?

If she's away for a week I'd start packing her stuff up and her sons too, you can store it in his room. That is a very very clear signal to her that you will stand firm.

I'm tempted to apologize and try to make it better. Instead I'll do some baking and cleaning and gardening. I can't face talking to anyone at the moment. My good friend is back from a 5rip soon so I'll see her

It would be the coward's way out Joblot, as you know!

It's a shame about the son, as his situation is making you feel a lot worse than if it was just the two adults involved. I hope your ex can moderate her behaviour when he is back and not try to use him as a weapon against you.

But any relationship which puts someone on double dose anti-d's is never going to be worth sticking a band-aid over is it.

It's so nice waking up without someone ranting at me. Troubled dreams but that's to be expected I imagine. I'm going through a range of emotions- regret, sadness, anger, relief, guilt, uncertainty...its tiring.

Thanks again for all the support. Have never been virtually supported before, its odd but ace. I send out very warm wishes to you all.

Wow its hard. It feels as tho it will not end. She's still away but I'm dreading what will happen next. She wants to talk again. I've no idea if she's calmed down or where she's at, but she's having counselling on Thursday with the person we saw at relate, who was lovely but a bit too optimistic.
Life feels so much better, even pmt isn't bothering me

You do not have to talk to her. I would repeat to her calmly that the relationship is over and she needs to move out on x date and her letter of eviction is ready. It seems that she is going to trying every trick in the book not to lose you, please do not fall for it.