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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 11/09/2011 21:09

Hopefully seeing stepson next week.
And generally feeling on the mend, or at least starting. It feels like it will be a long convalescence. There's some stuff just feels unbearable. I think I need to he patient and kind to myself, things I didn't do in my relationship. Instead of rushing to feel ok and brave again. I can't believe how many relationships are fucked. Being on mn both restores and destroys ones faith in the human race

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 11/09/2011 21:24

I know you like the boy, but please DO remember that he is NOT your DSS. You only knew his bonkers mother for a relatively short time.

Don't create ties/responsibilities that keep you tied to this woman.

Original poster
joblot · 11/09/2011 22:27

I understand what you say hissy but I do know him and we have had a good relationship. I feel he has lost more than the adults because of various issues and the fact he's been wrenched out of his home by x (he was away when she went and he hasn't had a chance to see me since).
And I'd be more uncomfortable ignoring him than having a separate relationship with him, if that's what we both want.
Does this seem odd to others?

OP posts:
Katisha · 11/09/2011 22:35

I can see you want to do your best for him and make sure he understands its not becuase of him that you ended the relationship with his mother

I do think it's perhaps a little too much to think of him as your stepson though, given the length of the relationship - you perhaps need to see him as a child you are looking out for but not responsible for. If that can be done.

Are you going to be seeing him without ex? How is it going to work?

Original poster
joblot · 11/09/2011 22:58

I'll pick him up from school, he'll stay over and then I'll drop him at school next morning. He's asked to stay, I was thinking tea only. Will double check he's ok staying.
No he is no longer my stepson, but how do you define such a relationship, that's the thing. Child of my x? Bit of a mouthful.

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 13/09/2011 10:25

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
joblot · 13/09/2011 12:02

Hello rabbitpie im ok thanks. Keeping going. Seeing stepson tonight which I'm anxious about. X not happy about it and I think its the right thing but realise lots of people disagree. I suppose I believe you should do what feels right and not what society says.
I'll see how it goes and talk with him about what he wants longer term.
X sending removal firm round soon.I'm so fed up of packing her stuff. It's neverending and I've run out of boxes.
How are you rabbitpie?

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 13/09/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
joblot · 13/09/2011 12:23

I don't know how you cope working with him, maybe the thriving can only truly start when you stop seeing him. Are you looking for work now? I'm having to, though the thought of a few months off is very appealing.
She is behaving badly so I imagine hes getting pressured. I'll be able to weigh it up tonight hopefully

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/09/2011 19:22

Hope you have both have a good time tonight and that it works out despite your ex's behaviour.

Original poster
joblot · 13/09/2011 21:49

Just put him to.bed. we had a good time, he's talked about how upset he is and about why things didn't work out and adult relationships being a mystery to kids. Really hard to explain why people split up to a child with necessarily limited life experiences.
I think it was good for us both, my only worry is he's missing being here and maybe staying over intensifies this.
I'm ignoring x's unreasonable demands and attacks. Her stuff will be gone by the end of the week, more loin girding and patience required.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/09/2011 22:10

Well you have a good relationship with him and he's grieving which is normal if he wants to see you, why not continue. As long he knows he is welcome and that you miss him and it's not his fault there isn't anymore that you can do.

Your X is pretty hideous Sad

Original poster
joblot · 13/09/2011 22:29

Thanks for you message Rmess. I wonder if she's having a breakdown. She's eye wateringly unreasonable. But then when I think about it, she was thus for the last 12 months. The difference was that I was stuck in close proximity to her and took way too much flack because I was scared and sad. Now that I'm free and clear it makes me raise my eyebrows, suck my teeth and get angry too at times.
I hope you are having a good week

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 14/09/2011 23:43

eye wateringly unreasonable? Quelle surprise! WE said that would happen.

stay focussed, don't allow yourself to get involved with her drama and broken record, stick to what YOU want.

TDada · 15/09/2011 00:05

Dragging up the past all the time leads no where and is termainal

Original poster
joblot · 15/09/2011 09:42

Good morning. The end is nigh. And the weight is lifting.
X came last night for a few bits and I felt tearful and sad. She is being more reasonable, for now.
So last push to get everything out tomorrow when removal van comes.
Still got packing to do- we fell out about this, its her stuff but I'm having to sort and pack it. She's given me no option if I want it sorted ASAP.
Thanks again to all who have had kind and helpful words, it has helped me get through this tough time and I'm in much better shape than I would have been without you all

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/09/2011 14:24

How did it go with her son?

Katisha · 15/09/2011 14:25

Oh sorry missed your earlier post. WIsh there was a delete button on here sometimes!

Original poster
joblot · 15/09/2011 18:13

Yes so do I. It went well thanks katisha. I'm busy again tonight packing her stuff. This time tomorrow it will be pretty much done and dusted. Realistically though there will be some afters. She's moving close to where I work and i may see her out and about. And there's stepson. Enforced contact. I can understand tho not condone, why some men lose contact with their kids, the thought of closing this chapter of my life completely is most tempting.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2011 21:45

Joblot be strong. You may find that your stepson naturally loses contact as he becomes more of a teenager, friends become more important and parents become increasingly obsolete Grin

or you may find yourself with a lodger...

Original poster
joblot · 16/09/2011 08:21

Yes I know it'll change, he's always changing and growing. I can handle that. I hope. I think.
Im waiting anxiously for the removal van, its unavoidably late. Feel sick.

OP posts:
Katisha · 17/09/2011 09:28

DId the van come - is the stuff all gone?
How are you feeling?

Original poster
joblot · 17/09/2011 12:53

Yes it came and pretty much everything is gone. I'm feeling a bit wierd. But quite hopeful too. It's a new start for me, a chance to do things differently.
Practically speaking, there's lots of cleaning and rearranging to do. My friends have been great and I'm out with old work colleagues later so can't grumble.
How are you katisha?

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 19/09/2011 09:25

Well life is still feeling better for me, minimum contact from x has helped.
I've been mulling over my contribution to things and I think I understand better why I stay in unsuitable situations longer than necessary. I need to understand so I can avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

OP posts:
Katisha · 19/09/2011 18:21

I think we all do that - all change is difficult, even change for the better. Lots of us like to stay in our ruts. Much easier than actually changing!

(Sorry failed to answer yesterday - I'm well thanks, and pretty knackered as work has got v v busy lately! First weeks at new school for DS2 and we are going through the forgetting/losing everything stage at the moment...)