Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

akaemmmafrost, absolutely, I am repeatingly myself here as I mentioned it earlier in the thread, but a minute amount of money was transfered into my account each month. that was the only cash i had. all expenses had to go on a credit card in MY name which he settled at the end of the month. so every month I had a debt which i needed HIM to pay off. he was quite clever and would ask me to put other stuff on it too, petrol and so on. so I felt for well over a year 'i could leave, i want to leave, but when i do he won't settle that credit card bill'. Eventually I did leave and guess what he didn't settle the credit card bill in my name! even though it was food for him and the children and parking permits and so on.

also, he behaved towards me as though i were his incompetent employee and he were living in a five star hotel. everything had to be perfect. and not just perfect! but,,,, imaginative, healthy, not fattening, beautifully presented, good value. Pretty tough. He would criticise everything. So I had to do all this on a tight budget. Honestly I should have been winning awards not being constantly berated!

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel angry and exhausted and I don't even know where to start. I feel like I haven't got any fight left in me but I have to be stronger now than I've ever been. I feel like I am living someone else's nightmare.
I feel so exhausted I don't know if I can keep going.
I want to cry and cry and cry, but the tears won't come.
For the first time in 15 years I actually called the police on him today. I am still waiting for them to come, having said they would be round in an hour, it's now 4 hours later
I feel like I'm drowning
My eldest ds 13 told me today that his father has never abused me, he has never seen it happen, that I have never been abused. I ask him if he knew what abuse was of course he said he did and that that had never happened to me. He told me that I "bend the truth". Basically I am making it up and lying. He has told me he wants to live with his father.So the bastard has got to my poor poor ds1.
I want to throw up.

Well done bigbuttons for calling the police. That is a massive step for you because you're no longer colluding with him in his abusive of him. You won't protect him, you won't pretend that it's ok, or right or acceptable.

That is so sad about your son. Your poor thing. He hasn't a clue, but it must cut like a knife.

IF I were you now I wouldn't mention the abuse when talking to your son. JUST focus on the fact that you have the right to end this relationship. WHY you are ending the relationship is not really his business but I guess it's natural that at 13 he's going to have an opiniion. AVOID getting in to he said, I said, he said etc with your son. He will have taken a side and by defending yourself you'll be playing into his father's hands.

Just repeat ad infinitum "this relationship is over". Or some similar phrase which can't be argued with and can't be used to make you seem hysterical or mad or a liar.

Keep it simple, keep it succinct. And vent to us.

Fwiw, I know a woman who left a man who would punish her with silences. The silences could last weeks. Sometimes she knew brouight them on but occasionally she had to try and figure it out!!! (she couldn't ask!). Anyway at about 18 her son came back from a weekend with his father. Guess what, he'd been given the silent treatment. He was really upset. He never came right out and said 'mum I'm sorry, I get it now' but it was obvious that he did suddnely get it. He no longer criticsed her for wanting to galivant with her work mates and other phrases put right into his mouth by his father.

Oh BB, i can't imagine your pain at DS1.

If anything is to demonstrate why staying for the sake of the DC is wrong, then that is it.

There was a thread about some poor woman in Egypt, 25 years of evil piggery, and her 2 DS sided with the father, her eldest daughter was out of the home, but she had to take the youngest and leave the boys with him when she fled, because they would have given her away or alerted the H. They used to step over her when he was beating her.

Perhaps lead life by example BB, and hope DS will see for himself how he has backed the wrong horse?

Can you call your health visitor? arrange therapy/help for him?

Bigbuttons, my eldest is linked in with services in ireland now and we/she is seeing a child psychologist. Feel like I'm tearing up now for you and what's ahead of you but you can do it. It is never too late. YOU are braver than I was to have called the police. And I always regretted that I never did that.

I had a nosey on fb, and you look lovely. REally friendly, pretty, normal and approachable. If your 'h' is who I think he is, then he looks like he holds himself in very high regard and needs a sense of humour and a little bit of perspective and modesty.

Sincere apologies if that's your brother

Oh buttons
I am so, so sorry to read that about your DS1, but want to cheer you at phoning the police. It's an incredibly brave step to take.
Can we help? At all?

Well done Buttons. We're all thinking of you, if that helps at all.

Thank you my brilliant ,lovely ladies, you are so wonderful.
MO yes I'm sure you can help. I will post again tomorrow and fill in all the sordid, horrible details.
I feel so exhausted, fuck this is tough.
But I am safe and my mother is spending the night.
I wanted phone one of you up today. I would have done if I'd had a number. I wanted to hear a voice who understood. I am very happy to pm my number to anyone who just wants to hear a voice to sound off at you know. Id love to know if any of you are in my neck of the woods.

xxxx

So sorry for you, BB. Just to say, although everyone's situation is different, my boys didn't know who to believe when I split with their father and for a while, they tell me now, thought I was "the bad one". They know differently now, and they live with me after trying to live with him but not being able to stand it. I hope your DS sees the light some time very soon, but it's hard for a child to stand up to the kind of clever manipulation that you would never do to him.

Disgusted at the police leaving you in fear for four hours

helpmeMN, you asked whether any of these things your H does count as real abuse - yes, all of them, even when he's being "nice", my God if that's nice... well, it isn't nice. It's just a bit less abusive. It's covert instead of overt aggression. It's sneaky instead of shameless. And it emphatically is not how someone who loves you should behave. Just so's you know.

Totally awful night :( Not on par with some of you I know sorry. But I need to spill it out somewhere.
Things have been walking on eggshells like for a few weeks now. After the whole "off to get a vasectomy thing" from DH (funny how no more mention made). And the fact that he was so verbally aggressive to a close friend (and grabbed her arm) that she no longer wants anything to do with us. Still I was trying because I keep doing that.
Last night we have 2 occasions of petty thoughtlessness from him. Nothing major but the type that make me realise how little he knows me or cares. Then he puts on a film for us. Now I will say here he had no idea of the films storyline but within minutes it is obvious it is about a girl being abused by her stepfather. I freak out silently for a bit (it happened to me - he knows that). Then I go into kitchen because I can't cope with watching it. He starts an argument on the defensive about how it's not his fault it's just a film. When then goes onto how I'm ruining the marriage after all he does for me and he can't remember everything about me :S
I stayed away from him until he was asleep then am woken upon night by him having huge panic attack. And I tried to be kind, got drinks, turned on his light etc but all the time I'm thinking FFS how does even this get to be about YOU???
Just typing all that out makes me feel so unreasonable. Maybe I am the one with the problem?

And yesterday my eldest DC (13 and 9) were shopping with me and suggested we look in estate agents - to see the kind of house we could live in if I left Daddy. Then my 9 year old asked if I would take them with me!!! They have not heard any conversations about this. Apparently they had discussed it and thought it would be nicer for us :(

buttons look out for a PM in next few mins

bellatrix
I am including an excerpt from an old diary describing my x's behaviour - and this was only three months into the relationship! It is so similar to your situation that I had to post, to tell you that you are NOT alone, and they are all selfish wankers :

"My god what a fucking sap. What a total and utter headfuck of a man to be involved with. After advocating a day of abstention from sex he really wanted it when he saw that I wasn?t getting desperate and when I said no initially he said ?Now it just feels like you?re punishing me?
No, REALLY?
And THEN he encourages me to have a little sleep and when I get up, feeling not a little groggy and mustering EVERY cent of mental strength that I have not to be sucked into his mind fuck games, he said that he remembered that my Dad used to wake me up and he didn?t want to, although he DID. He just doesn?t want me to be grumpy, he has a FEAR of me being grumpy. And if I get grumpy, HE gets grumpy, or fearful, or goes into his cave, or whatever the fuck it is.

He says ?You wont sleep tonight?

HUH???

Like, did he want that or something? When that is one of the things he most objects to??? What the fuck kind of game is this loser playing???"

**

Also this: (italics are today's additions, this was originally written when we lived together)

"A thousand little humiliations. Slagging me off for never unpacking my bags when he was always telling me to go! Telling me that we would split up if I went through to another room to sleep, forcing me to endure a sleepless night while he snored beside me. A hundred vile text messages until finally tonight the breaking of the camel?s back.

Telling me to choose a DVD then saying ?I?m not watching that, its shit?
About as childish and passive aggressive as you get!
so I sat down, not even upset, saying ?Okay, you pick one?
Him ?This isn?t working anymore is it?
What, you mean you cant start an argument as easily as you used to?
Me: That?s an overreaction just because of a DVD
Him: I don?t love you anymore. You don?t make me happy because I don?t think I can make you happy.
Yeh, that's something an emotionally balanced person would say...
Me: I hope you enjoy your nice house then.

And I leave with his ?Is that all you?re going to say? in my ears and I go upstairs and I say I?m leaving, gutted for the final time, knowing I cant do this anymore, deaf to his pleas.

I can see right through him now, how he only wants me to stay not because he loves me but because if I leave who can he take all that anger out on? Who will amuse his daughter for hours at a time while he dozes and checks his email?
He is, as always humble, on his knees, conciliatory, defensive, then abusive, simply reinforcing that I need to leave.

**

Not sure which is more disturbing - the abuse or how long I put up with it. But I am starting to enter hindsight mode, so I guess that's normal.

I know, I knew so early that my x was 'punishing me'/controlling me..... I just didn't understand why,and stupidly felt compelled to begin to understand it.. I don't know what I thought
I remember the first time he got really angry with me was because I couldn't decide what restaurant to go to. And when I say 'I couldn't decide' I just mean I didn't decide INSTANTLY on the restaurant he actually wanted to go to, even though he'd made a pretence of telling me to choose.

I can't believe I thought that that's what I deserved in a relationship. I knew HE was a fuckwit, but I thought I should stick with it, tolerate it, hide his behaviour from friends /family, just deal with the shit, try to cope....... why why why did I feel I should subject myself to that?

Bellatrix, do it for real. GO to the estate agents. You'll never have to sit through a film that makes you deeply uncomfortable just to avoid upsetting a bully.

Jesus bella, I swear he did that on purpose, and THEN stole a panic attack just to really freak you out and remove any space for YOU to be upset about watching a film you would clearly find disturbing.

What film was it BTW, was it obvious that it was going to be that storyline?

who in their right mind would stick on a film, see it upsetting their nearest and dearest and then harangue you for not being able to watch it? anyone half decent would stop it immediately, apologise profusely and still make it up to you!

Stop seeing the trees FGS, start seeing the WOOD!

Even your children want you to leave him. FGS they are miserable TOO! bellatrix, you HAVE to listen to them, you must do this asap!

yeah i bet he knew. sorry to load that on you bellatrix. but these days I'd never rent or download a film without putting it into wiki to see who was in it, what the basic plot was..............

And I agree again with hissy, he had a panic attack after subjecting you to something so upsetting and uncomfortable. You weren't allowed to feel upset!! arghghghghghgh.

Please leave as soon as you can.

Hi all, I've been lurking for a long time because I know my H is not just EA me, he is mentally torturing me.
I did post a thread a while ago asking how to leave him but surprise I didnt
Well now its crunch time. I am ready to go. I've been detaching myself from him, just agreeing with stuff eg when he screams that it is my fault when something goes wrong. The latest was when a Direct Debit was return from his bank account and I should have checked and transfered it! Okay, yes whatever you say, just go away out of my face.

It really struck home when a recent poster said that when her partner touched her it made her skin crawl. Well I told him months ago I didnt want to sleep with him again. Of course there is something wrong with me, not him. But to keep things quiet for sake of DCs I went ahead, I thought I could handle it. That doesnt work .

So I changed all my bank details yesterday and told a close family member - I am living in another country with no family close by. They were fantastic and can come to support me at the end of Sept. I am looking for somewhere to go with the kids and have told him.

So tonight he starts by hissing that I wont take the kids out of this house, I'd better be in another country, he'd better be locked up etc.
Well this morning I felt invincible but now I am crumbling again and I'm scared about what he'd do.

I'm sorry about this rambling but I just need to be strong for a month - just 1 more - I've done it for so long but I'm on my knees now? Any advice from those who've come out the other side?

You can do it. Just be nice, call his bluff. Try not to rise to anything and keep your escape like a secret gift to yourself. It sounds awful, I feel for you terribly and the man I am going to leave is an angel compared to some of these monsters (but I'm still going to do it, so that should make you feel better!). Speak to your confidante whenever you can. Outpour here, everyone is very friendly and so supportive. You can do it.

and update from me - am now on my weekend away, happens to be in the cottage of a close friend of Dad's who has worked with tens of thousands of abused women. I showed her my list/essay and talked through everything and it really helped to hear her say that she had no doubts his behaviour was abusive. She talked me through next steps and expectations management (I am still (!) a relentless optimist and keep visualising a scene where he cries and its awful but he agrees at least - this is SO unlikely). I do still have respect for him and my plan is not to reference the abuse at all, just to say that I am not happy, the relationship is not working for me and stick to these, MY truths that he will try to break but he cannot.

Still having the fucking doubts, though! (did I just paint an uneven picture? am I making it up? even though I KNOW KNOW KNOW I'm not!) Spoke to him on the phone and we know each other so well, was lovely to hear about the girls etc. He emailed me cute pics of them which he always does. He is being SO reasonable about everything, even saying 'stay as long as you need'. He really is an angel compared to some of these violent cunts. BUT I could never be certain that the maddening, completely intolerable times wouldn't come back, even if he were in 'remission' for five years. And I can't live with ten more years of this energy-sucking washing machine am-I-going-mad brain.

Looked at flats for him, though, and it made me sad/worried. Even though it would effectively be me saying 'I'll pay for this flat for you for x years... oh, it's not nice enough, let's look at another one!'. And the reality of it - the kids having another bedroom. I remember those painful transits from house to house so well :(

I know my problems are so minimal compared to some of yours, and my situation so fortunate. I feel for you all so much. Life has dealt you a terrible hand but... you don't have to hold it.

You can do this. You really must.

Be careful, when they think they are losing you, this can be the most dangerous time.

I'm not telling you this to dissuade you, much to the contrary, I'm telling you this so you keep it in mind that you HAVE to leave. It's not safe mentally or physically for you to stay. Have you got an emergency bag packed, all your documents in a safe place out of his reach? money, change of clothes for you and the DC, passports, everything. If you can store it with someone you trust it'd be great, otherwise put it somewhere you can get to it, just in case.

Keep strong, keep safe.

What are the police like in your country, would they be supportive? if they would, call them at the merest hint of trouble and get them to take you to safety.

HelpMeMN, your problems are not trivial, your misery is no less intense than others.

The fact that you have options, possibilities means that you can access valuable resources once you decide enough is enough, but in many ways you are just as paralysed by fear as others in less stable situations

There is no worse than , we are all trapped, just the walls look different.

The only one that holds the key is ourselves. It's the one marked Bravery!

I agree with the flat thing, there will always be SOME issue he won't accept. You are going to have to set a deadline and tell him he can self fund a travel lodge if he hasn't agreed a new place by X date. That ought to focus his mind....

thank you hissy. I guess I'm just counting my (many) blessings.

on a different note, my crush is still OUT OF CONTROL. that's fine as long as it's all in the head, right? I think it's just part of my coping mechanism, my temporary madness.

a better question might be why the fuck I haven't gone to bed yet! OOH maybe because I'm not going to be woken twice by DDs and I don't have to get up in the morning! (counting blessings again)