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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

189 replies

MAPAM · 21/07/2011 22:27

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

OP posts:
drfayray · 07/08/2011 06:42

Going to the sol was the best thing I have done. Thanks to the advice given on MN. It is expensive. I am lucky (so lucky) that my dad is helping me. But I think I would have found a way to pay for it somehow. You need that advice. Also the way the burden is shared and even lifted.

Take care MAPAM. I really like the sound of you. You are a caring, kind person. You do not deserve to be treated like this. In fact...none of us do Angry.

Kaelle · 07/08/2011 21:42

Hi MAPAM - been lurking and watching, but not sure what I can add other than to reinforce that you need to find a sols....there are ways to keep costs down and they help your healing....and be your source of information, accurate and less time consuming than you doing it...and appropriate to your situation. Your post from 5/8 really should have been led by a sols - you just dont' know what you don't know.....

MAPAM · 11/08/2011 20:55

TY for the kind posts about sols, my mums friends daughter works in one and has said she will look into discount !! but the monthly payment sounds good too.... Ive had a strange few days ... the more people that find out the more want to see me I have had someone every night aftrer work ( which is so kind but V tiring ) and I am also trying to work every night and get ready for hols... I am exhuasted ... but I have no friend coming tonight so have naughtily let kids stay up and I am furiously typing and catching up with posts .... Arrangements have gone fine and money has been paid .....now .......sit down and get ready to catch the bombshell................

He came round monday crying and said he has "made a huge mistake he misses me and would I consider a reconciliation, he was so sorry and knows hes hurt everyone but he is in hell and has never felt so low and cant imagine his life without me and the kids" hmmm not what I needed after being up all night with toothache and about to go to the dentists for root canal. After I stopped gawping like a guppy I said "of course you will miss me we lived together for eleven years" but I told him he "needed to sit down and work out how he got to this position because it was not something I could do." He said he realised he had no substance but would I at least arrange to talk to him ( he is clearly feeling lonely) I said of course I would talk to him at a time that was suitable for us both ( Ie not before I go on holiday) and that I also wanted things to be amicable, day to day and not strained BUT that he had a tenancy for six months and had spend £3000 of his dads money setting up his house so nothing would change for six months. Do you know what - three weeks ago I would have been so relieved that he was finally opening up and trying ot save the relationship - now the only thing I do know is that I at this point I dont want to go back to living and being in a relationship with him .............I am happier at home alone. HHMMMMM

So here I am now in a strange back to front world that I feel has turned inside out... I really do need two weeks away now..........I feel like a wrung out dishcloth and I have so much to do in the next 7 days !!!!! ( I also have root canal part 2 on monday OMG.......)

HELP !! Confused xxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 11/08/2011 21:06

You've said it yourself hun, you are happier on your own. So stay on your own. No brainer, isn't it? Just because he's changed his mind, doesn't mean that you have to compromise the way you feel now.

As you've sensibly said, he has committed himself to 6 months tenancy - that's good - will give you both space to decide what you want. And I mean of course to decide what you want. He caused this - he's lonely, it's starting to hit him hard - well that's sad, but not your problem. Do not on any account allow the way he feels now to impact on the future that you want.

Nurofen Plus - if you're in pain now, and cetainly after the next lot of root canal work - best thing you can take.

And you really need a holiday - and you have one - so just take small steps until it happens. Enjoy it, day by day, step by step - be kind to yourself. The ball is in your court. Play it wisely.

Kaelle · 11/08/2011 21:53

It's always virtually impossible for me to follow Saffy, because I always completely agree with her....

Don't feel like you need to make an immediate decision just because he's pulling at your heart strings. The fact that you didn't buckle means that you HAVE moved into a different space. I wouldn't categorically express an opinion to him one way or the other. Just that you don't HAVE to right now..aaahh the beauty of a six month lease...Go on your hols...buy yourself a very pretty writing book and a great lovely pen, maybe even fountain, and just write away...it's so therapeutic to do that when you're not in your own day to day...Whatever the method ,hols are great for thinking as long as you take it slowly....

As for the tooth thing...you wanna hear nightmare? My root canal was started last November and is still not settled....I have gone from referral to referral, facial surgeon and the lot to figure out why this pain won't go away...can you imagine dealing with debilitating tooth pain while you're trying to deal with the pain of a break up...YES I'm living it. OK so here's the thing...nurofen plus is good, but it knocks you out. I have been surviving thanks to weekly acupuncture....yeah, the amazing chinese lady on the high street...finally, after massive investigations, they WILL be taking my tooth out, because they've all agreed that there must be some tiny hairline fracture in the tooth, which is not allowing the tooth to settle...Sadly, and of course...., they can't do this extraction before I go on holiday for two weeks...aaaagh. MAPAM I can relate to the toothache and wish you the best. My first root canal when I was in my twenties went very well, no probs and have had no probs 25 yrs later!! So hang in there. Dentist recommended a type of ibuprofen called cuprofen. You can get it at boots etc. Somehow, and don't ask me how, it works better than nurofen. However, no drug works better on toothaches than ibuprofen, so I'm told. At one point I was taking 400mg every two hours, but then it settled and with acupuncture, I now don't take anything. But if the dentist tries to TOUCH the tooth, I hit the ceiling... Bizarre isn't it?

MAPAM · 18/08/2011 22:26

Dear Saffy and Kaelle - TY so much for the posts - I have been working like a mad woman the last few days and then frantically writing lists and packing in the evening !! quarter to one when I went to bed last night but I have finished work now and almost completely packed - HOoray.
Saffy and Kaelle I want to be as wise as you two when I grow up !!! Every thing I was thinking you have out into words of wisdom xxxxx

Even the ibuprofen has worked on the tooth ( still got some niggles ) It has been a strange few days - he came round and we talked - well he talked-- cos ive done enough talking - but it was strange at one point I nearly laughed at teh bizarreness of it all - bottom line was he admitted he had been totally miserable and in a downward spiral because - wait for it .......he wasnt having enough sex ....splutter .......now dont get me wrong it wasnt every night but it was at least every week - he never even considered what I might want ! it was als about what had got him down and how he got so fed up he wasnt going to talk to me about it and just gave up on us ( despite me frequently asking and encouraging him to talk to me) he never considered that i was exhuseted looking aftre 3 kids under eight , working 50 hour weeks and beingthe main bread winner as well as chief cook and bottle washer whilst he played on his computer !!!! I didnt have time to think about sex never mind DO IT !!!!!!!
So that has kind of sealed it for me I just thought our lives are just a million miles apart and I cant ever imagine them being compatable again. I have beenthink back over how he wouldnt ever sit with me or talk to me or be affectionate and no I just think it was cruel and I have come to the conclusion that each time a bit of my love for him must have died - I just didnt realise. I know now why I felt sad when ever I saw weddings or people celebrating anniversaries and it was becuase I didnt feel any of that love.

Anyway since then there have been tears and pleasding texts asking me to give him a chance - declarations of love ( dont see how he could not love me 5 weeks ago but does now hhmmm dont get that) anyway I now feel under huge pressure cos he is begging for another chance but - I dont miss him , I do care about him , but I am happier now I feel like me is returning and do you know what I actually get a break now 3 nights a week when he has the kids and he does things with them so it is better all round - I dont miss the miserableness and the atmosphere - I cant believe this myself and I am sure I will come down to earth with a bump at some point - but I do also feel bad which is wierd............considering where I was a few weeks ago. I do feel bad and dont know how I will tell him - but any way I have a two week holiday to concentrate on for a while --- hmmmmmmmm lifes funny isnt it xxxxxxxxx any wise words welcome xxxxxxxx does this all sound odd ?????

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 19/08/2011 06:13

Mapam, so much of your situation resonates with me - I sit reading your posts and nod to myself, thinking "yeah, that's what happened to us...yeah, that's how I felt too."

It's all about him, isn't it? These men are so self absorbed, it's breathtaking. He went because he didn't have enough sex. And he thinks that now he's told you this, you will have a light bulb moment, have him back, and as well as juggling work, home, and keeping all the plates spinning, you'll accommodate him more frequently in the bedroom, and all will be lovely.

Is he living in La La Land? Does he not realise that he wasn't a husband to you, he was an extra child for you to look after? Does he not see that women need a partner, a man - not an extra kid to look after. "Playing on his computer". Yes, mine spent hours on stupid games (and I later found out on porn sites), whilst I ran around like the Duracell bunny, looking after 4 kids and him. So that was 5 kids then. And then they wonder why we don't want to have sex with them after a day spent exhausting ourselves trying to get everything done. For me, sex became another chore, like the ironing, something that I felt I had to do.

You are a grown up, and he sounds like a big kid. All about him - no idea or consideration about how you feel, your needs, how he can change to make things better. It doesn't even enter their thick heads. Mine didn't talk, be affectionate - anything. I too used to look at other people, other couples and feel a pang of extreme sadness that I didn't have what they had.

I think you realise that there's no going back. You've put so much time, effort and emotional energy into trying to make this work before, the though of having to do it again, leaves you feeling exhausted. This is because he isn't taking any of the responsibility - he's blaming you for not having sex enough, which is rubbish. He needs to look at his own behaviour and then he might realise why you didn't want a lot of sex with him.

You say you're doing well on your own and you're finding your real self again - I know how that feels, and it's a real surprise. I dreaded being on my own, and amazed myself by thriving. I felt like a big oppressive cloud had been lifted.

I thought the relief and happiness would pass, and I too would come back down to earth with a bump - but I haven't. I'm calmer, content and happier now - all the resentment I had, of giving far more to a relationship than he did; of trying to justify his crap behaviour to myself and others, disappeared when he did, and I felt lighter in my heart than I had done in years.

You have a good holiday, and if you need to tell him anything, tell him that you need time and lots of it; but that as you feel now, there's no going back. He's realising that the grass isn't greener, and he's seeing you cope and cope well. Huge dent to the male ego, that is. Just because he wants to come back doesn't mean that you have to put aside your happiness any more, and compromise what you want. You're separate people - you're not responsible for his happiness any more - you never should have been in the first place. Just focus on you, what you want and the kids. Time for you to be the selfish one - your days of enabling him are over.

MAPAM · 19/08/2011 12:53

My god Saffy you really do get exactly what is going on with me completely. Every word you have written I could have written. I feel better knowing that someone reads what I say and nods and thinks "yes that happened to me and thats how I felt" that actually makes me feel great.

Saffy I think he did think it was a light bulb - huge revealing moment - thats why I nearly laughed- at first i thought I was verging towards hysteria but then I thought no the lack of understanding is actually comedic !!
The bloody truth is your second paragraph is exactly what he thought would happen EXACTLY ...the 3rd paragraph totally spot on absolutely no realisation and yes sex also became for me something else to "fit in" IYSWIM.

I am heartened to know that yours didnt show affection either but I cant believe that I accepted that Saffy ( did you to? ) its not till I have separated and read probably hundreds of posts and advice on here that I have realised that it is not acceptable ! isnt that bizarre that I didnt notice in real life - now I have a whole list of things that are simply not acceptable in a relationship.

And yes you have putyour finger on it - I am exhausted at the thought of going back to putting all that effort in again to a relationship- with no returns - I absolutely will not ever do that again.

I am so glad that you felt you found you again - I honestly sit here some times and think "am I wierd " becuase a few weeks ago I would have been so relieved to hear these words from him and declarations of love - now I just want them to stop. Saffy if you dont mind me asking - if LM came back now begging would you definately say no .. and if you would would there have been a point where you suprised yourself in that realisation ?

Do you know what if you havent come to earth with a bump then maybe I wont either - cos I feel good - I really do - calmer content and happier - excatly what you say is how I feel.

I think from what you say I feel bad stepping out of the enabler role - I am in that role a lot with kids and at work and I clearly did it with him - and also relinquishing responsibility for his happiness is an unusual position for me to - I am not used to being selfish and it feels strange but I am not going to stop saffy - I have got through this which I thought would be the worst thing that could happen to me and - If i get through this holiday I feel there is nothing I cant do xxxxxTYxXXXXXX

OP posts:
MAPAM · 19/08/2011 22:55

Oh dear it was all going so well - just like Dr fay I only crumble when he is in the house f88k f88k f88k ... he came to drop kids off and bathed them so that he could getthem ready for bed and say bye before the hols.. he said he realised that I didnt want him and not to waste my time thinking about him on hols - I explained that the way he has treated me in recent years has drained my love away and just broken my heart so it was unlikely that the person who caused all of this was going to be able to fix it by moving back in. He just cried and put his arms round me and said he was sorry for everything he had done - he was gentle kind and considerate all the things he hasnt been for a long time and I toldhim this - I told him all the times he had hurt me and that I could never trust him not to just revert back to that person no matter how much he promised to change.

I do prefer my life now but I still also feel strong waves of sadness about the end of the relationship especially when I see glimmers of the person that he used to be... I do not think for one minute though that he could be the person that he promises to be. But that still makes me sad.

He then said good bye to the kids who cried, then I cried and then he cried ( kleenex sales back up this week ) so now I am sat here utterly f88kin deflated with two suitcases puffy red sore eyes and a stinging nose and face - got 12 hours to pull myself together .......

I probably wont get to post now for two weeks till after hols - dont know how i will cope without this support but I will think of you all - if there is anyway to connect to t'interent whilst abroad without incuring a 3 billion pound phone bill I will try and check in xxxxxx

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/08/2011 08:14

Shock at his explanation for why he left! Totally unacceptable.

Also unimpressed at his guilt-tripping you and making the kids cry right before you go away.

Really hope your holiday goes well.

Think your response to him - the 6 month tenancy - was really good.

There is plenty of time.

He is going to have to do some major growing up, whatever you decide about the future. He could start by binning the playstation!

Dozer · 20/08/2011 08:23

Just caught up on the stuff about him being a dick over child maintenance Shock! Also, he has only just moved out, has hardly given you any kind of space at all, constantly on at you, making drama and now pressuring you to get back with him!

Really still think that a period of minimal contact would be good. And legal advice - may well be worth the money.

It's just all about him and his life being easy. His actions at present are not those of someone who respects his partner, wants to make things right and pull his weight.

MAPAM · 20/08/2011 08:25

Hi dozer -I know - re explaination = I reflected that back to him last night and he spluttered and said it wasnt meant to mean that and he wasnt able to articulate him self properly ....but it doesnt alter all the thing I said above I knwo I would just feel this pressure all the time and be on pins waitin for him to start being moody and miserable again - his current behaviour is making me think about the early years in our relationship and thats when I get sad I suppose. But he has said all this before Dozer and not kept to it so I can only go off his track record cant I ?

IN a way I still feel that it is still all about him - he wants me to think about things on holiday- then he comes in and says no I dont want you to think about things on hols so Im left yo yo ing around when ever he is around - when he is not around it is calm and I am content xx
Any way TY for your wise words - off to get the kids ready now for hols xxxx

OP posts:
floosiemcwoosie · 20/08/2011 14:31

well done you for not giving in

Your going on holiday so that will give you some time to reflect without the emotional pull

You are right, he has a six months lease, that should give you some breathing space to figure out what you want to do

How the hell can you rely on anything he says when he moves out and then a week later wants back. Grass not always greener methinks

enjoy your holiday and just take it one step at a time
xx

lookingfoxy · 20/08/2011 21:08

Well MAPAM looks like you have turned a corner also, until a week or so ago I would have ex back as well.
It really helps not seeing ex, so perhaps you could limit contact with him.
Enjoy your hols anyway, you deserve it x

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