Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

ledkr - god I am transparent or are you psychic - I torment my self all the time and I have to stop - if I could ditch that and the rejection I would be great - I had to stop myslef looking at his phone the other day and I keep asking - what are you doing tommorrow - what have you done today - hence i know exactly what he has done and then get pissed off about it !!!!!!!!I did look on his email account this week that is so F88king sad and I hated myself for doing it ( must stop winding self up and wanting to know what he is doing - I think AF said to me he is nothing to do with you now he is a co parent only) I just need to realise this ..... but yes he does have to start again ----but I dont want him to be succesful at it !!!!!!!!!!!!I want him to fail fail fail !!!!!!!!!!!!! - breathe - on a positive note - heres to more weight loss and new clothes ( viva portugal) xxxx

STOP ANY CONTACT UNLESS ABOUT THE KIDS!!!! let him ask what you are doing. Step away from the phone....or I will send AF round! xx

hahahah I know what a saddo I am !!!!! I need a slap from AF quick !!!! it will be better when he moves in his house on friday - cos until then he is loittering around here ( although he goes to his dads to sleep at nights ) and I want to know EVERYTHING EEEERRRRRR ................ - I need to cancel his Broadband account and stop giving a shit !!!! TY Floosie x

You have been warned.....;:-) x

mapam-the no contact thing is a must,i even used it when the next bastard broke my heart-see you move on-.I even deleted his number but gave it to my sister for the contact arrangements,just for a few weeks to give myself some healing time. You are right,anything you get to know about him is not going to be what you want to hear so go out of your way not to find out,i kept conversation to a minimum and steered away from any of his attempts to update me on his movements,make your own life dont be bothering yourself with his

I agree with the distancing (didn't he do this first??!) 2 years on I still sort of wish I didn't keep filling H in on what we've all been up to (when he clearly doesn't give a shit).

It's still early days for you, keep being kind for yourself. I took the opportunity to retrain for a career that I thought would be a good move for a single parent of 2 and guess what - I have done it and got a job.

I'm sure in a couple of years (or even sooner) you'll look back on the start of this thread and be amazed at how far you've come!

dont fill him in on your movements woman. Me and ex still do this,its like a competition to see who can have the best holiday etc. only thing is it will always annoy me more cos he doesnt pay for his children
Have to say it was arare moment when he haughtily announced his ow was having a baby,obviously safe in the knowledge that at 43 and having had chemo id never top it-I was already pg tho karma.

MAPAM, how is it going today? Thanks for your lovely post, much appreciated.

I agree with that not asking THEM about their plans. I am trying really hard to stop this. It is not like it was before. It is finished...all over Red Rover. Hard to get it into me thick head though...

I still stick to the one day at a time. I am seeing a psychologist and something she said really resonated with me.

Do not do fortune telling. So do not try to predict what they will do or other people etc etc. Now I am very guilty of this. I worried about what my parents would say, my children, friends etc etc. But when it came to it, I was totally incorrect. Madame Zelda I ain't.

So I am a little concerned about how I am going to cope with a demanding job, the children, the house etc..I think I might crash BUT I do not know until I am there. Who knows I may cope brilliantly!

So I found that advice very useful.

You might.

XXX

It should get a bit easier when he's moved out. Totally agree with floozie.

A good friend once gave me the advice (when I was still hung up on a mean ex) "call him and I'll break both your legs!" But that would be un-mumsnetty, so will just say don't contact/talk other than to sort out immediate practical stuff.

Is galling that he gets freedom etc, but with kids the day-to-day is important, he'll be the one missing out. He may, like many other men mentioned in these threads, find out that the grass is not greener, reality will bite. Even in your upset state right now, you have a helluvalot more than him already, in every way.

The playing on the PS2 says it all really. Think he should be known as PS2 man.

Floosie, ledkr, mavis,dr fay and dozer TY so much for the posts - I have waited until now to read cos I have had him in the house for 2 hours so I knew I would need this .....

• I have swung between sadness, exasperation and wanting to throttle him all in the space of 10 mins. At one point middle daughter started to cry and say - i dont want you to split up - so I am glad he saw that - but he just slung off into the living room. Trying to organise the weekend was like pulling teeth with me asking questions like -where are they going , what time are they coming back etc etc - and he then announced that despite me telling him three times he had forgotten to book leave for the next 2 fridays and could I tell him the dates again NOOOOOO I said Ive told you three times - if you cant be arsed to write it down and book it it is no longer my problemmmmmmmmmmm - I yelled - he walked off - no change there then - but I felt better - hmm definately moving to anger - ledkr give me a slap around the head please like you gave mavis !!!! I am so pleased you were pg too that must have felt great !!Dr Fay - I must stop predicting and live in the day - easier said than done - ( BYW I manage all those things kids, job, house, shopping etc YOU WILL TOO - you will not crash you are far to tenaciousxxx) and I must stop asking about his plans - do you know what - he has not asked me once about any thing !!!so why the F88k am I asking him !!!!!!!!!!!

I told someone else today so getting there slowly in that respect but again was really lovely- and when he has the kids I am going to sort out holiday stuff ( to use the time positivley - will also have to food shop but hey ho) Dozer - I am going to tell my self how much more I have and that its his loss and I am sure hoping the grass aint greener - He is now called PS2MC ( playstation 2 manchild - TY all for that ) I hope it gets easier when he moves out - but I am having thoughts about driving to his house unannounced and I am worrying that I might secretly go there just to look - so slap me please NOW all of you XXXXXXXXXXX

put the boot in, tell him when he goes to dads to sleep tonight, just stay there until his house is ready

Tell him the times you will drop the kids off on sat and pick them up.....tunr up at his house after being at hairdressers. Advise him that you will be in touch re him doing some night withn the kids as you are arranging a night out with the girls. You need to turn the tables. DO NOT BE MRS DEPENDABLE.

Let him see you enjoying yourself and trying to move on

x

You are doing well Mapam, just read your opening post and your recent ones if you don't believe me. Your strength and humour shines through - you're a strong lady and you will get through this.

Now sit down and listen to Aunty Saffy - NO CONTACT!! It really is the only way forward. If he is collecting dc/s then you tell him when you want them collecting and returning. I have had the minimum contact with my ex, and he left 3 months ago, and all of it has been about the kids. He has texted me about other stuff, and I've ignored him completely. I've deleted emails, after skim reading them, and if they're not about the kids - then I don't want to know. I'm paying a lot of money to a very good lawyer, and she can deal with absolutely everything else. He is the kids' father, and if I need to talk to him about them, then I keep it brief and business like. Anything else is a waste of time. Things have happened with all four of mine - that he knows nothing about - as far as I'm concerned he stopped having a say in raising the kids the day he crept out of the door without saying goodbye to them.

And don't try to work out what's going on in his (tiny) mind. Therein madness lies. Don't dwell on the past, just focus on the future. And don't feel rejected. It hurts when someone you loves no longer loves you - I know this all too well. But they changed, not you. It's about them, not you.
You could soul search until you're 100, but you'd be none the wiser. Accept it; it happened because there's something so much better around the corner. I firmly believe this.

Saffy speaks wise words...!

Mapam - we need to remember that these men (and I use the term advisedly) are at the same stage of empathay as a six year old (from a developmental psychology view point). They just don't get it. I had to insist again that X told me what time he was bringing the boys back next week. he just doesn't understand how this is a reasonable request (and nor does he understand why it is annoying that he is consistantly late picking them up).

They think we still revolve around them. They are wrong!

Saffysmum words of wisdom as usual. I am trying hard to get ABCKF out of the house. I am not responding to anything that is not to do with the children. Life the way before does not exist anymore.

Hard going, but getting easier.

Thanks MAPAM...I should be able to do it all...after all I actually have been for a long time....-slapping hand on head-

Hi MAPAM, On this no contact thing, it can be liberating to let go, and can help with the healing, because at some point, you have to accept the new relationship. He's not your partner anymore - HE walked out so he doesn't deserve to have you doing ANYTHING for him, and that includes giving him news of the kids. Let them tell him what's going on. Global Guy, my STBEH, is not interested, and I have to just accept that. I have to accept that I will be a single parent, that he will swoon in and have the children from time to time (I'm going to try to get the divorce proceedings to MAKE him take them more regularly), but right now it's all down to me. Hard to explain - it feels very lonely at times because I don't have anyone to share the joys of DC's - it's hard to brag to your friends....but I can to some, and I've figured out who they are. So my big addition to the pot is find your close girlfriends and really lean on them to help replace what you're missing and no longer getting from him...

Yes mapam no bloody contact listen to us,we all know from experience. Some dr even wrote a book on break ups and said this is the only way forward.
I totally agree with the not being Mrs Accessable it will give you back some dignity and self respect i promise.
Think of the scenario you think you need to contact him and then think of the response and how much it will annoy you.
I rang ex once when dd had to go to hospital after a fall.
My hypothyisis-he will feel guilty,see how pretty i am and how much we need him and want to come home and make it work.
Actual events-he was irritated,didnt look me in the eye and spent the time waiting to see Dr texting ow.i felt terrible and rejected all over again.So be warned.

dozer love your friends threats btw. My best friend told me when i was whining about not being able to manage the house and garden; "OF COURSE YOU CAN MANAGE,YOU HAVE ARMS AND LEGS DON'T YOU?"

Yea, and Dozer, love the "PS2 man". MAPAM have we given him a nickname yet? Really says it all, "manchild" and all that...

Kaelle and ledkr you know, that is exactly it. Those things you want to share with the father of your children. And he is really not interested anymore. I am lucky in that I have very good girlfriends that I can boast to about my wonderful DC. They do the same to me so it is all good.

My so-called husband (ABCKF- see my thread for full name as I do not want to sully dear MAPAM's thread with foul language) doesn't ring in the evenings anymore (he works away anyway) and it is good...sure sometimes I miss it but I just busy myself with other things. It passes.

Everything I look at the threads in Relationships, I learn something that helps me so much.

Hello Kind ladies - I have just had dire problems trying to connect on t'internet - PS3Man ( playstation 3 (!not 2 tut tut) man) ( is that good enough Kaelle ) would usually sort out home hubs etc - i was nearly demented and sick OMG I need my fix of mums net !!!!! BUT after an hour and some pacing and stressing - I have fixed it !! he is now redundant on another task yey -
Right - floosie,saffy, mavis, drfay, kaelle and ledkr < hold arms aloft in spanish style gesture> I know you are all so right re contact - I am a grade E at the moment but I am striving for A* I am going to really try hard. I will not go to his house, I will bundle kids in to car on saturday ( he cant possible see them today or tommorrow cos hes moving into his "arcade" ( contains computer and PS3) ) So saturday they will be ready and go - I have already got two visits to great friends planned for saturday and I will rely on them for support - I will stop trying to understand his mind - i didnt manage in 11 years so Im not going to now - and saffysm I do have to believe something better is round the corner. - I havent cried in three days - so I am moving on ( to anger as was pointed out- butI prefer that to depair)
You have such wise words and you all hit the nail on the head - I miss recanting the kids little triumphs - but I can do that to my family - I will try really hard to accept it - believe it or not I am accepting it more that I thought I would - and do you know what i thought about not telling him things and thought oh thats being mean but do you know what you are right he lost his right to that when he left us didnt he ? and ledkr I know you are right re the actual events he would just be moody and unintersted - which is pretty much what he was last night when he was here.
Dont laugh at this - but its funny you mention books cos I have ordered 2 that are about breaking up and moving on - I am the kind of person that that sort of stuff does help me to ratinalise and i am hoping it will be a bit like the huge difference being on here has made to me. If I am honest when he was going to go 4 years ago I just gave up = I took to my bed I didnt look after children and had to have the doctor called out to me to prescribe me medicine - that makes me want to cry when I think about it but the kids were all under 5 and I didnt have the managers job I have now so I just couldnt cope - then - I thought the same was going to happen to me this time BUT - sad as it makes me feel to think about the fragile person that I was last time - I am no where near that now - I am living, I am carrying on and each day I an hugged or supported or bowled over by someones kindness and I know that I will be OK despite the hiccups along the way.
The fact that we are on here talking means we are not alone - we are all in this together and thats what makes us stronger - off to just use 1 tissue and thats it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mapam, that's great that even in these hard days you're stronger and better placed to handle this than you were then. You have lots of support and well-wishers on here and in rl, look at how your colleagues have responded for example, they must really like and respect you. Your personality shines through and as saffy says, better times will come.

But yes, "must try harder" on the minimising contact/chat thing, it's a hard habit to break but worth working on.

Keep at it MAPAM. Lots to work/think through. But keep your perspective. you are not today the woman who would take to her bed. I think you actually are facing up to more than you think. Those will be interesting things to explore when you start thinking about your next relationship. Right, now, just stick to explorig your own personal strength and get through THIS situation. Keep thinking rationally about, OK, he's now called PS3man - is that OK to everyone? Manchild definitely needs a nickname....

Hi mapam - aren't you doing brilliantly! I found such strength after the first time I managed to do something that I would normally have got H to do - I'm my case it was get a bird that had flown into the house out (and I absolutely hate tiny birds - don't know who was more terrified, me or the bird!). Very occasionally I can't get the top of a jar but apart from that there isn't a practical task that I haven't been able to do myself. I'm starting the prcocess of looking to buy a house and I'm going to buy a project .

You've obviously come a long way since the last time things went wrong with your marriage. He obviously hasn't matured but you certainly have!

I hope you have another good day today. Perhaps plan to get a few bits and pieces for the house that will make it more 'your' space.

Another day ticked off Glad you are doing so well,you are going to have a ball eventually,its so exciting this new chapter in your life,just imagine all the possibilities for the future.
You will soon need to do the primani shop for the hols.all thos cheap tops that you can only wash once and then use for rags haha.
You wish for a magic spell to end the pain and i can tell you the no contact is like one.
When i was dumped i had 3 friends who were in the same boat,3 of us went for the no contact and one didnt and even slept with him on and off. 2 of us are re married and the other has her own house and successfull business.The other one has not moved on and still sleeps with the ex who lives with someone else!! I rest my case.