Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

mapam,this happened to me 7 yrs ago,i felt exactly the same as you are now. If someone could have put a time scale on it id have loved it so i tried to remember.
First week scared,devastated and shocked. Second week a bit more human but still all of the above but functioning better,i was still working and looking after the dc's but everytime i had a quiet moment the pain racked right thru me. Each day i ticked off as astep nearer to feeling better,i sorted money,childcare,debts etc,very slowly day by day,i kept busy and saw friends or did things with the dcs,it was when i was alone it hit me.
I felt really good after 2-3 months and its been upwards since then,with little blips of course.
We had a holiday booked (2nd honeymoon pah) but i took my sister and had a ball,it was only 3 weeks after he went.
I am very tired now but could go on for ever,try not to over think it,it is what it is. Try to sleep and eat altho i know how hard it is. Go with your grief whilst helping your dcs to cope too.Please ask me anything and ill try to remember.
You will be ok,even by the holiday you will feel lots better.He is only another human being and you absolutley can have a life without him,

oh NEVER be scared of holidaying with dc's its so liberating and a different more relaxing holiday,so much so that even tho im re married i still take dd on holiday alone.

ledkr - that helps so much - thank you - I must not go to tissue 48 - but just to know that you got through and started to feel better in what I think is quite a quick timescale is very reassuring - it is busy with 3 kids and supportive family freinds and i think that is why it hits me when I am alone ( they are in bed) all my family freinds say I will be able to face the holiday in 5 weeks and hopefully if I am like you I will be able to - If I thought I could feel good in 2-3 months that would be great and I do expect there willbe blips. I do over think - I cant eat or sleep but I have now had a brew and a piece of toast since coming on here - If you dont mind I might ask you things ( not sure how I do that ?) I appreciate you are tired but thanks for posting and sharing your experience - I am heartened to know you are remarried too - I dont know how I will cope with the seeing him every day due to co parenting - did you have to still see your ex ? ( but I am over thinking again probably instead of just getting to tommorrow x)

Get a proper arrangement in place for his time with DCs as soon as you feel up to sorting it out MAPAM. Ask friends/family to do handover with DCs for first week or so if that would be easier on you.
But do try to relax. When I was first on my own again I used to do an exercise tape when DCs were in bed to tire myself out and to try and switch off. Lost a stone in first month - all helped me feel better!
Have you anything planned for weekend? Summit nice for you and DCs?

Pickgo - I have organised friday and put vague arrangements in place for when he gets his own house - Next friday- but he is at his dads now so no where for children to go- I decided that it was better that he went tonight tho because each night under the same roof was making me worse. He is also going to take one of them to a party on sunday - (I cant face all the other school mums yet) I havent planned anything nice for us but you are right I will plan something for saturday. Cant swallow food so maybe i will loose weight too but as you say hard to tire yourself enough to sleep - I definately feel less whirly than I did and I am going to lie on my bed now with laptop cos I think I might now be able to face tommorrow. I will also try and get family freinds to be around at handovers as I stay more controlled then - you are so kind - thanks again for sharingyour advice x

Thank you lovely people on MN I think I can now face the prospect of a few hours sleep and then waking up in the morning - I am not sure how the morning will be but at least I am now thinking about facing it x Ill be back tommorrow but will hopefully use slightly less than 46 tissues xx TY X X

Good night MAPAM sleep as well as you can. And stop counting the tissues. Its ok to be upset.

(((Hugs))) there will be plenty of us around tomorrow, if you need a bit more hand holding.

Please try to eat a bit in the morning as hunger and low blood sugar can make you feel more down and weak.

Goodnight, hope you manage some sleep, another hand and tissue on offer here.

4 years ago, I was left with 3DCs, 8,6 and 2. I have come out the other side. Your emotions are understandable, do not be ashamed to let it out.

Take care

Sleep well MAPAM. It will feel better. x

chazbrilliantattitude + letitlie - I still have one eye open ... thank you so much I will need some hand holding and I really appreciate it - maybe not eating is why I have felt so bad today ... also letltlie I might ask for some ive been there and survived advice if thats ok - cos I feel better if I know other people have got through like you and ledkr - TY so much xxx going to try and sleep nowxx

Mapam, I totally understand why you do not feel comfortable asking for emotional support. That's OK, but do ask for practical support in regards to childcare and accept any all other practical support coming your way (in terms of time off work/ or if someone can pick up laundry or do DIY around the house).

You are coping brilliantly and good for you. But don't allow "coping brilliantly" to lessen your feelings of devastation at this time. Feel it and as a previous poster has said roll with it. People will help. Mnetters will help. You will come through this and survive.

OP I am so sorry

I don't have experience as a single parent (have not even had my first yet) but I do have experience as a child of a family breakup.

My parents had a messy divorce that ended very badly and my mother went through a stage much like you seem to be going through now.

I just wanted to say that you are not pathetic and certainly not left behind. This is a terribly sad situation, but the start of a new stage in your life.

Cry if you need to, you are only human and when your child is older she/ he will understand. Obviously you should try and limit what your children see, but you are not superwoman and you cannot protect them from everything.

It was hard as a child when my family 'broke down', but it really was the start of somehting new. Children can adapt and are more resilient than they are given credit for. Your kids will know you tried your best.

I wish I could offer something more helpful in the way of advice. Please do not feel pathetic, you are certainly not that!

I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.

Dear MAPAM, I feel your pain. My marriage of 24 years has ended very recently. I have posted here and the support and kind words have been very very helpful. My husband does not want to be married anymore and has been having an affair for a year and a half. It has shaken me to the core. I have two DC, DS15 and DD13.

I feel that I am now coming out of that very bad period where I could not stop crying. It is very early days yet but I am taking it one day at a time. That is all I can do. My parents live in another country so I am alone here but I have good friends and see my doctor regularly. I am also seeing a psychologist on the doctor's recommendation.

My words to you? My sympathies, MAPAM. Take care of yourself, get support where you can and just do one day at a time. I tell my friends everything so they know and can support me. My parents know and have been wonderfully supportive too.

Take care and keep posting here. I found it very helpful.

My own thread here might help you with some of the wonderful comments by other MNers.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1260257-Does-time-really-heal-this-terrible-pain-24-year-marriage-ended

Mapam - your pain is palpable in your post, and I feel and relate so much to you.

You will get through this.

Things obviously came to a head, and you made a very brave decision to get him to leave. I did the same. After the shock and disbelief, you will draw strength on the fact that you had the guts to do this. You sound a lovely mum, you're kids are your priority - as mine are to me. So remember that in order for you to feel that you two had no future, knowing that you were instigating the break up of the family, THINGS MUST HAVE BEEN VERY VERY BAD WITH HIM. So don't take on the guilt - don't blame yourself. He caused this. You have enough to cope with, without blaming yourself. You say that they won't have a mum and dad to live with. Well, there mum and dad won't be under the same roof. But they will still have a mum and dad.

You're an intelligent lady, you know, I think that an unhappy mum and dad living together, in the atmosphere you've been enduring, (suffering, more like) is not a healthy environment for kids to grow up in. Even young ones like yours will pick up on it, and it will affect them. So don't feel guilt for the kids. Let them see you (and you will) flourish and be happy again. A strong, positive happy mum is far better than a bewildered downtrodden shell of a mum. I am living proof of this. Everyone says (and said it soon after I chucked ex out) that the atmosphere was lighter, and that I was back to my old, carefree self.

My ex projected all his faults onto me. He constantly said I was highly strung, over sensitive, etc. I wasn't I was just hurt and downtrodden by his coldness and detachment. And couldn't cope with the way he constantly put me down and criticised me. He did this to give himself permission to leave - if he could make out it was all me, and that I had all these faults, that I was a paranoid insecure woman, he could justify leaving me. It took me a few weeks and a lot of helpful posts from the wise ladies on here, to realise this. But I bet you can relate to it, or you will in the future. It wasn't you - you've done nothing wrong. You are fine. He has been cold and detached and that really hurts. So for now don't try to understand it, just try to accept it. He doesn't love you anymore. Don't blame yourself for this, whatever you do. I did this, for two years before I kicked ex out: I tried everything to make him love me again. A waste of time, energy and make-up.

The next week in particular will be a rollercoaster - ride it. Cry, and take it minute by minute. I wish there was a fast-forward button, and you could be where I am now, but there isn't. So go with it, take it all at your own pace. Post on here, and we'll help you. It's like the grieving process, you'll cry, you'll feel anger and disbelief, and that awful gut-churning terror of the future. But the future is actually going to be better than the past, because you'll be you again. Please believe this.

One more thing "my family expect me to be strong". Be honest, say, "actually, I'm not coping as well as I thought I am" - and lean on them. Lean on friends, let them know that this is hard for you. You'll find that people want to help. So reach out - don't let pride stand in your way. You've done nothing wrong, you're not to blame.

Will check in later.

MAPAM, I'm a little bit further down the line from you. STBEH, (I think I'll call him Global Guy, since he always been too busy traveling to be a husband and a dad...) left the house in March, after having told me a year ago he didn't love me anymore. After this last year in limbo, he is finally going to serve me divorce papers, and I'm just waiting for my sol to call and tell me he's done it, so we can swing into motion. I've had a VERY difficult year, but contrary to my nature, I had to take things just ONE day at a time, because that's all I could manage. Get through today. Sit on your bed at night and just be proud of yourself for getting through TODAY, however it went - celebrate what you did manage well, and forgive yourself for the rest. Tell yourself you are a fab woman and can get through this. It's absolute shit and will last awhile. It's fraught with dreaded uncertainty conflict, and anger!! Taking it one day at at time helps you to avoid being overwhelmed by the whole array of emotions. It just keeps you in the practical, day to day.

Although I do have lots of girlfriends, I chose just five to share the daily angst with, and I wish I had thought to come onto mumsnet. I'm glad I have now. But my close circle was great. I just felt so ashamed and couldn't really talk to too many other friends. It was too much hard work to keep everyone up to date with the latest in neglect and insult, and I was so fragile. But, when I was so down, I felt I couldn't burden friends too much, especially as none of them had experience of divorce, but all have issues in their relationships. I hooked up with a counselor and have seen her weekly since January. It has been a God-send. She's a family counselor and so has been great to just let me talk and talk and talk, and not try to solve anything. Great advice for the children, lots of "it's OK, this too shall pass" and it does. So forgiving of my outbursts with my children, my general intolerance of any criticism, disagreement - I just wanted harmony - but have three DD (13,11 and 5) who are girls and therefore constantly bicker. I basically couldn't spend any time with them, felt worthless and found it difficult to give anything of myself....As one of the posters suggested, there was a lot of TV watching in my house...it's much better now. I feel more in control and lots calmer. I'm still very angry at Global Guy for deserting me, and I still don't understand why he felt he had to leave, rather than work things out. But if you're only home five nights a month for two years, it's kind of difficult to maintain a relationship...

I would stay with my children if I were you, and not go alone. And this is from me, who couldn't deal with them very well. However, their welfare is ultimately a great motivator, even if you screw up from time to time. Up to you about who else you take with you. Sometimes, it's just enough to get out of the daily environment, do something different. If you have lots of adult support with you on hols, you'll also be doing lots of talking there, when you probably need to just focus on the children, and take time to think things through on your own. I had a diary, which I just poured all my thoughts into. Very liberating, and helped to clear my mind.

I could go on and on, but how are you this morning? Are you feeling any better?

I have only skimmed the posts I will come back and read later - but I have slept and I am now making the kids breakfast - I have only used one tissue x he will be here any time but I will not cry when he is here - when kids are fed and dressed I will come back x but thanks you got me through the night and the early morning posts especially saffysmum and drfayray will get me through the next few hours xx

Maslow I have just noticed a post I will read in a few mins he is here now x

Good morning MAPAM, hope your day goes as well as possible.

We will all help you and each other to get through this.

Take care and remember one day at a time.

Hello MAPAM

I can really understand what you are going through. My ex of 17 years left very suddenly at the beginning of the year, and although he had been detaching from me and tthe children for years, there was no sudden trigger for him to go. I had kept hoping things would work out and he would "change back" but with the benefit of hindsight that was stupid. He also said he didn't love me, which hurt, and like you I felt rotten that I had failed the children by not keeping the family together.

I found/find it really hard to ask for help and support, although I have some good friends who listen to me ranting when required. I hate crying in front of people though but strangely enough after the first couple of days I have not felt like crying over him. I have felt angry especially with his increasingly fuckwittical behaviour, but not sad.

The children are actually both really glad and relieved that he has gone and I came to realise that not only did he not add anything to their lives, because he alternated between being withdrawn and angry (to the point of physical violence, the extent of which only came out after he had left and the children felt safe to talk) he was actually doing them harm.

We are all feeling much more positive six/seven months on and have a lot of exciting (but scary) plans for the future. We can now run our lives the way we want them, do what we want to do and not be held back or upset by him ignoring us, sulking, and spending more time with his phone than his family.

The first few days are the worst and actually you have probably got through the very worst bit already. I am amazed though by how quickly things got better for me and although I still have wobbly days things are much more positive. It's not easy but you can and will get through it. You are a great mum, it shines through in your post, and with that love and support your children will be fine.

My top tip for the first few days is to have at least one dc in your bed! Much less lonely and easier to sleep. We are back to normal sleeping arrangemetns now but it really helped me and the elder one over the first few weeks.

Good luck with it all, I know how devastating it can be to feel like this but please, like lots of people have said, just do it one day at a time.

Morning MAPAM. You will get through this, one day at a time, and you will be happy again even if you can't see it now. I am so sorry for your pain and so pleased that you posted here instead of going through it alone.

Have a virtual hug from me (((((Mapam)))))

Good Morning MAPAM

There is nothing much I can add to the wonderful advice you have already recieved on this thread.

Although sad , I actually felt a sense of relief when the ex left, relief that all the trauma leading up to the split was over and that I was now in control of my own life again, and I did not have to consider his moods etc.

You will find that your work helps. When you return try and absorb yourself completely in your job, switching off to all the unhappiness if you can.

Let your colleagues know, so they understand if and when you have a little wobble.

Look after yourself and the DC's

And have a ((hug))x

Mapam, just wanted to send you warm wishes, lots of choc, and , as well as a virtual warm snuggliness to cuddle into when you need it.

I've not been in this position Mapam, but one thing I do know, is that people can behave very strangely after a bereavement.

Just in case this may be useful to others and I realise that it doesn't apply to your situation, after my fil died, dh was depressed and in his cave for about 10 years. And wouldn't go and get help. It happened because my (now late) mil, couldn't come to terms with his death, and the only grief that was allowed to be felt, was her's, iyswim. She had agoraphobia, claustrophobia, anxiety neuroses, ibs, etc etc. For all that time, whenever I suggested going out - for a meal, to the cinema/theatre etc, dh would refuse, although would go if friends suggested it. Something that I found incredibly hurtful.

It didn't help that he didn't have a pay increase for most of the 1980s, and despite being 7 years younger I ended up earning 50% more than he did. Eventually, I was made redundant, we lost 60% of our income, and that seemed to snap him out of it.

Take care of yourself, and just take each minute at a time - they will start to mount up into hours and days.

Hi MAPAM - i keep thinking about you...I hope it went OK this morning. I used to HATE seeing Global Guy. When I was so sad and angry in the beginning, I was prescribed some anti-anxiety pills, which I only ended up needing when I saw him - otherwise I was coping. The lead up and the aftermath to each meeting were just horrible. I used to think that if only he could just get out and stay out of my life, I could heal.....but I have managed because he MUST stay in my life if I want my children to have a father. I was raised by a single mom and I definitely don't want that for my children. Plus, I do need a break. My biggest challenge at the moment is for him to accept that he will have to be MORE involved with the children, now that we're not together. Sooooo, to make that happen, I've had to cope with the meetings. I still hate them though....I guess I'm still working through that.

All that to say that I hope you're OK after the meeting. I'm feeling for you.