Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

Remeber you can only get happier x

How are you doing today MAPAM?.

Hello Mums net friends ? I was so tired last night I couldn?t even log on !!
So after seeing to the children it is the first thing I am doing today -
Dear Dozer thank you for your kind words ? I do think that this time I have faced the fear so to speak and found only support and kindness and that has kept me going ? I will really try harder re contact ? I am trying to find 8 year olds phone so that they can contact him through that xxxx
Dear Kaelle - he is officially christened PS3man !! you are right I am trying to keep the perspective in one way by measuring how I have coped this time compared to last time that helps me start to think about my levels of personal strength and I have realised I am stronger than I thought and people are kinder than I thought. I think both of these are good starting points. My 2 help books have arrived ? one serious one funny so I shall also explore those xxx
Toilet seat
Dear Mavis I am glad you measured things the same way !! I am definitely going to take a moment to recognise the things I do that PS3Man would have done ? todays challenging is buying a new toilet seat and fitting that (yuk) but I am bloody determined I am doing it !!! I am also going to get a new house phone
Dear Ledkr Cant quite see the having a ball and new chapter frame work but I am wondering if that will come after the Holiday ?? And my goodness that?s a cautionary tale if I ever heard one ? what you say about you and your friends well that?s a cautionary tale if I ever heard one ? Ill bear that in mind - it totally supports what you say about new chapters and moving on ? I am also going to do some holiday packing and work out what things we still need ( looking forwards not back)
This is the last 24 hours highlights - On the point of doing things that he would have done I dealt with the dreaded sky ? 32 minutes of my life I will never get back ( hes took the box to his new arcade and left us with an old thing we had kept) I was at work but my mum told him he wasnt leaving the house with the box until he had rigged up something else to make the TV work for the kids ( my mum is proper strong) anyway he did it but then it will get cut off next week ? SO sky package ordered and being fitted next Sunday ( punches air) I have my opinions about sky but kids having TV package and me having some escapism has overridden these ? sad I know.
He officially moved out yesterday - it was chaotic but I just went to work - now listen to this he sent me a text saying he has sorted the tele out and put an ?X? at the end. WTF ? He has not put an ?X? on the end of a text to me for about 12 months hhhmmmmmm now I am thinking he must be texting someone else and putting ?X?s on and has put one on mine by accident ? but I will not ask. He also sent me text last week suggesting ( cant think of another way to say this) sex WTF ? you will be pleased to know I just said well your clearly fine and I moved on BUT I don?t think Oh great we might bet back together I just think you f88king emotionally detached pr8ck. ?and breathe ?.
So finally his stuff didn?t turn up for delivery so he rang me last night to get the number for him cos he didn?t have it at the house with him !!! and yes I rang him back with it ( mainly cos kids are due to go and stay there tonight so needed the beds!!!)
Hes due to pick 2 of them up just after dinner and then I am going shopping ( for food) with the other one and then coming back to get the third and having them over night ? I have arranged to go to my friends house for few hours tonight xxxxxxxxx
Thanks for listening to my rambling ? feel better now I have had my Mums net fix xxxxxx

another step closer, good for you. Its good that he has finally moved out, the house is yours now, and more importantly you have your life back to do with as you please.

In some ways it may be a bit of a relief as you don't need to dela with the dail strain of "whats happening in this realtion ship, how is he with me toay"

Good for you, keep going x

OMG men are such children. He put an 'x" on the text because he wanted you, mummy, to tell him "well done you, you clever boy!". Unreal isn't it??? And it was all done to your mum demanding it anyway....cool chick, your mum.

Don't you dare sleep with him...obviously you won't...but unreal that he even thinks to ask...like what planet is he on??? You deserve way better than that. Hold to your guns...MAPAM, it shows that he's had little respect for you for a long time.....I think this one's going to be very liberating for you, I can feel it.

MAPAM how are you? I hope you are going well. You sound empowered!

Take care

Hi floosie Kaelle and DRfay thanks for the posts - I am doing ok. He has moved out but has left half of his stuff here ....but I have rearranged a few things around the house to mark the occasion. There is less strain about whats happenin cos its now officially over ...neighbours now know and have been supportive ( but shocked) ....weekend was a bit odd chaotic at times as his plans didnt quite work out but kids did stay with him and then cameback on sunday - house was weird without them tho. I am trying now to focus on the holiday and getting ready for that - keep saying - I am going and I am going to enjoy it .... today he has taken the computer and put a lock on his email account interesting ... I couldnt log on to mine at first then realised iot was actually his that had been password protected.. I texted to say oh can I cancel your account now that the computer has gone but he said no I need it till mine is set up ... clearly got something to hide i think ....I feel that something is going to emerge but I dont know what and when yet. feel a bit tired and weary but tommorrows another day xxxxTY again xx

MAPAM, thanks for posting. I was thinking about you. Funny how we don't know each other but I find that you, Eider, Kaelle, Saffysmum, BeforeAnd After and others, are on my mind.

I know about the tired and weary! I feel so down atm but cannot be. You will be pleased to know I am seeing the solicitor tomorrow at 2. Just reading through all the documentation she sent me. Also getting some financial stuff together.

I am also scared really. But no choice. I have to do this. I CAN DO THIS.

I hope you have a good break on your holidays! Rest up and come home rejuvenated.

hope you are all ok

Keep strong girls, you are doing so well

Mapam, yes there might be more to this than meets the eye

Your right to keep focusing on your holiday
xx

Hello, keep plugging along. xxx

Good that he's gone.

He took the kids' Sky? And texted you wanting approval for fixing something to give them their telly for just one week, which he only did cos your (fab) mum made him? Then suggested sex?

Classy.

You're doing great, the holiday will be good. Ignore him as much as possible and getnhis stuff into an old broom cupboard or something!

Hi drfay dozer merryberry and floosie well so much for empowered I am back typing through tears after a horrid hour long argument with him. I have typed all this out once and then when I couldnt se properly lost it all ...ohoh hes started saying he cant afford the childcare costs and he "been for advice"" and he is only prepared to have the children 3 x per week ( I am so sad I really thought he loved them but he was bargaining saying if I have them any more Ill give you less money - I dont even get themoney it goes straight to childcare- hes saying he want sto pay the money to me as maintainece and then its up to me if I pay for childcare?? I screeched that the childcare is so he can work also ????I actually dont get a penny off him for clothes food etc for the kids - hes only been moved out a few days and hes fed up having them - its just so bad cos i work a 50 mile round trip away so I need to pay someone to take them to school etc and I am often home late so need someone after school ... oh any way it was just horrid it was like talking to a stranger and its made me realise how fagile our arrangements are - should I get something in writing or is not worth the paper its on - I was happy to sort it out ourselves but I cant go through this everytime the whim takes him -oh god - I am so dissapointed I really thought I was coping and things were going to be ok and run smoothly - but they are clearly not - I had to keep ending the conversation cos I was crying and at the end he finally said I am sorry I didnt mean to make you cry .. what did he think I was going to do ? I need to think everything through but its so hard when your trying to work and do every thing else and relying on other people - anyway any advice gratefully recieved on how to move forwards ??? WDYT??? = 12 tissues used swollen eyes and cant breathe - let hope tommorrows better - DRFAY I hope solicitor went well - i ll have a look and see if you have updatedxxxxx

Oh you poor thing. I don't know about maintenance issues - is www2.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp any use? A CAB visit?

Mapam - so sorry to hear that you've had a set back. Wrt maintenance he should be paying 25% of his net income for 3 children IIRC. If he claims he can't afford it then he should be addressing his spending in other areas before he removes this from his children.

We have, so far, managed to avoid solicitors as they are eye wateringly expensive, however, I've been very careful to have all money conversations via email as it removes the emotion and avoids the 'you said this, no I meant that' type arguments. I also keep a copy of all sent emails, just in case.

Take time to re-group and take stock. It's bloody hard isn't it? Thinking of you.

Mapam

Sorry you've had this setback. He has by law pay 25% of his net monthly income for child maintenance. This can be taken from source and put in your bank account if necessary. However, if he shares childcare (having kids stay over for a good part of the week, then this can be taken into account, because he will be paying for them - food, housing, etc., when they are with him.

You need to stop talking to him about this, do it via a solicitor.

Get to a lawyer! x

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

Hi MAPAM, thats me just read through your thread, thanks for your words of support on mine.

I used the above link to calculate how much tax credits I would be entitled to, it covers a fair bit of my childcare, I found it pretty accurate.

hello - thanks all for your wise words I am going to look at the suggested sites - I feel a bit better today but you are right it felt like a set back and I think I thought I was going back to where i was before and got scared .. but I didnt - i just felt bad for half a day and then started to perk up. The info about 25% is v helpful he earns 1500 net and was paying 300 ( childcare costs) I have now agreed to him paying 250 which is a sixth - I also want to try and avoid sols cos I cant afford it - we have agreed he will have them 3 nights per week ( he told me that he only has to pay £125 per month if he does this even if he just picks them up at 7 and drops thm off at 7 in morning so I do all coooking cleaning clothes buying lunch making etc - what a F**king joke ( oh felt a bit angry - good sign)) who helps me pay mortgage to keep a roof over thier heads - Bastard. Any way mum was great and he was happy when I said pay 250 ( cheeky bastard then said "oh come and look at my new house - as if - why would I want to ?? ) I am going to counter attack with the 25% info and say I have sought advice too see how he likes that....We had pre arranged he would take leave to day and look after kids and by half ten he had texted me to say one of them had been sick six times - now I dont want my children to be ill but.......hmmmm divine and retribution spring to mind. TY for your help and support I have 2 weeks till hols so will apologise now if I start to have a few wobbles in the run up xxxxxx

Merry berry - loks like based on the website you found - his payment should be around 265 - so not a million miles away - feel better
Foxy - wow according to calulator I will get about 4 times what I though in child tax credits - feeling more optomistic - TY for the great links xxxx

Please don't avoid a solicitor you cannot afford not to get proper legal help and representation. Start by getting recommendations of good ones, then get a free 1/2 hour with them to check you can work with them. A good one will also advise you on all you can do to keep costs down.
Do also look at whether it would be better to move closer to your work in the long term etc.

Good news financially then, if you get on the phone to them, they usually sort it out there and then for that week.

Dear mummytime and foxy - I am going to have alook at free sols - I know a few criminal ones ( due to work -not misdemenours!) so I need to perhaps ask around ... Foxy I wrote to CTC when he first left - wasnt able to say on the phone "my partner has left" - and of course it take a month for a reply - but my freind in similar position earns a but more than me - gets 48 per month so thought I would be the same but she only has one child - so it must be different cos I have 3 - but I hadnt thought of that. Mine was christened PS3_Man by Mnetter freinds - very like yours just without the dope xxxx

Or take a friend on the holiday with you? Make it into a bit of an adventure/girls holiday with children! I can imagine how scary it would be for you, but imagine how brave and in control you will feel if you actually go away. My husband has literally just left me for another woman, but i can't cry over him, he isn't the man i married, as that man wouldn't have left me and the children. If I can help in any way message me. Lots of love x

hello mapam

another hurdle, and you have coped

The more time goes on the more of a twat he appears

Just keep working on one step at a time

xx

Hi Mapam

Get a free initial session with a sol who specialises in family law. It's crucial that you connect with them, so if you don't get free sessions with others until you do. Also look for sols who do legal aid. You may qualify - I did initially. But then when I got my tax credits they pushed me just over the limit, so now I have to pay. If it's the same for you, you need to weigh up whether the tax credits are worth delaying. I decided to get the tax credits, and pay full whack for sol - but this needs working out by you in your circumstances. My sol also lets me pay monthly - she's very expensive but worth every penny, so I pay up until Xmas a set amount each month by standing order.

Also, remember you can get tax credits backdated from the day you split.

BTW - thanks for the lovely things you said on my thread, it was sweet of you.