Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

Kaelle - the message that says Maslow should say kaelle - stupid phone ... I have fed the kids and had a shower I am now going to go to the supermarket to get some food - he didn't come in he just dropped my mum and left- I feel scared to go to the supermarket cos I keel like everyone knows - stupid I know - but I will go - my eyes are sore and swelled and my nose is red but I will put a bit of make up on he is coming back this aft to sort some stuff out so I will tell you how that goes - thank you all so much for taking the time to talk to me I would still be under the duvet today otherwise - you have all got me through the night and into today and still only on tissue number 1 - thank you xx

mapam i have sent you a private message,just click on inbox at the top of page.You just reminded me how i found the supermarket,i thought everyone knew too and every girl was the ow?i had to leave tesco once cos it was so overwhelming,how odd.i wonder if thats common,today is another day to tick off the shit ones.Id go out tbh whilst he sorts stuff out,its a bit soon.

Morning MAPAM,

Feel free to PM me at any time. Always happy to talk, and agree with ledkr, can you go out later or have someone round?

MAPAM I agree with tb that grief can really affect some people in strange ways. The emotional shutdown you have seen in your DH may be because he can't deal with the grief of loosing his mum and the only way you can shut down the feeling of sadness is to shut down all your feelings.

Which is sort of acceptable if it lasts a couple of weeks then the person begins to emerge from their cave and deal with the emotions. What is not ok, is when they remain stuck in that cave or where they turn their difficult emotions of sadness and anger outwards at those closest to them.

DH and I over the last 5-6 years have lost 2 siblings, 2 parents and 1 step parent and it has been hell at times. We just about managed to keep the channels of communication open because both of us made an effort, its not fair of your DH to shutdown emotionally for a year. He sounds like he might benefit from grief counselling but that is his responsibility not yours.

If the breakdown in your relationship is due, even in part, to his failure to deal with his grief then it is up to him to get the help he needs rather than let you suffer the consequences of his emotional shutdown.

Have you had something to eat today??

p.s. stop counting the tissues - you are allowed to cry!

Yes, stop counting tissues, crying is good, gets rid of the nasty stress chemicals.

Hope it goes ok later. Don't spend any more time with him than you have to to sort out practical stuff. Don't say yes to anything without reflecting on it over the weekend.

Some legal advice might be a good idea.

mapam I was in a similar position 2 years ago so have sympathy with what you're going through.

Having just read your OP again, I am so on your behalf that even though it has been him distancing from you, even though it is him that says he doesn't love you, even though it is him leaving, you are the one left to tell the children. What a fucking coward! (and yes, I had to do the same thing)

Find your rage towards him for a while. You are a fantastic mother - a real role model for your children. Can you take them on holiday on your own - hell yes!

He will make this out to be all your fault. He will be tortured about his decision. He is a twunt who doesn't deserve you.

Get all the legal support/ benefit advice you need (and don't worry, the lady at the job centre I cried on was very nice ) and take each day that comes. Life will be good again. Keep venting here.

Ill apologise in advance for the huge post but I feel I have to say all of this

Dionthediabolist ? TY so much for the kind advice and support ? ?rolling with it? is what I definitely have trouble with I try to ?fight it? all the time

LDMMummy ? TY for the perspective you have given I said to my six year old tonight good luck with swimming and she said to me good luck when dad leaves you !? not in horrible way in kid trying to be grown up way I didn?t know whether to laugh or cry but I think as you say it shows resilience

Kayah ? TY for sharing your advice as someone who is out the other side ? the bit about playing happy families is starting to ring true and I am trying to convince myself that I will start to know me again

DRfayray ? I read your posts and the MNetters replies I found that so helpful and I am so sorry for your situation but we both clearly know that we are not alone and we can support and hold each others hands maybe x

Oh saffysmum ? I have progressed to tissue 3 but that is great compared to yesterday ? you have put into words in your first paragraph exactly what happened without me ever saying that ? because I did bring it to the fore and I knew when I sat him down for ?the conversation? what the answer would be and I was on a wave of ?Im not taking this anymore? so yes things must have been soooo bad but then its like I was on adrenaline for a few days and then yesterday the depth of my despair was unbearable. I feel better today . Funnily enough I have had a few texts and cards from friends and all mention the words brave and stong ? I didn?t feel any of those last night but you mention them so I will hold on to that. Knowing that you are living proof is so important to me as with ledkr and letitlie ? also I think you might be right I tried so hard to make what he felt was wrong ? right ? but really it was him so how could I fix it ? the bit I stuggle with is why did I not see it or stop the rot until it was too late ? But as you say I must accept it and not fight it ? and hard as it is stop wasting my time.. but the coldness does hurt.
I am trying so hard to believe that it will be better in the future ? the different future but I do feel physical pain when I think about it ? I made myself walk around town yesterday alone and through my heart was going to go through my chest - this is making me worry about work ? people expect me to lead things and I an worried that I might not cope on Monday - it?s a very male orientated macho environment ( but I remain a caring coaching manager in the face of this ) but emotions etc are just not done ? I think that is making me worry more ?It will also be the first real day of ?normal life?. It is also hard at work as although he is on different site he works in the same organisation ? so we will be the talk of work ??sob

Kaelle ? your words also ring so true ? I feel so heartend that others share my exact thoughts and feelings ? last night before I came on here I did think it was only me
AF said that he was only one person and not to let him affect my whole life when there was a whole world of people out there ? that is what I was doing and I will try and move from that. You clearly understand how hard I find it to take one day at a time BUT I know I must and I will follow your advice tonight ? I actually feel proud that I got through today. I have only told about 5 friends because it is exhausting relaying all the info and I do feel ashmed and humiliated. I definitely agree with what you say about not understanding why they wouldn?t work it out and why they just go ???

Merry berry TYTY for finding me last night and helping me to find the MNetters xxxxx

Oh westerwind ? I have been constantly hoping he would ?change back? and I cry more for the person he was and who I wanted him to go back to being ?I am so thrilled to hear how after 7 months you and the children are feeling so much more positive . He would be withdrawn and sulky and I could see how that affected the children ? and really of course it would if it affected me it must affect them- and that was also a factor in the decision to ?have a talk?. Thank you for saying I am a great mum I do struggle with that ? and also for saying how you had one dc in your bed ? I felt ashamed to say that but poor eightyear old has been my companion since last Friday ? she thinks its great ? it helps so much but I felt pathetic for that too ? but I don?t now.

Terraviva ? thank you for the hugs and I am so glad I came here last night it was a last resort as I was starting to have thoughts about not carrying on because I thought I couldn?t cope so it has been amazing for me that I did post last night

Oldwoman in a shoe - I have received wonderful advice and I do also have a part of me that is relieved to not have to dread walking into a mood, or negativity, or more debt, or him walking out to go somewhere ?I have I think 2 collagues at work that I can talk to ? I am so scared about Monday but I know I will loose a few hours once there as it is so busy ? thank you for the hug and advice about it being ok to have a wobble at work xx

Tb ? thank you for hugs brew and chocolate ! ? what you say is very interesting ? he has been a different person whilst his mum was ill and then since she died ? he actually turned away from me throughout those 2.5 years and I reached out constantly but was pushed away ? that really hurts as I was also grieving for MIL, he absolutely refutes that this has anything to do with his behaviour but it does definitely - but I got to the point where my tank of stickingplaster emptied and I couldn?t give any more ? his 2 siblings have also ended their long term relationship in the year since their mum died so there must be a common theme there ? I am definitely hearing the take it minute, hour and day

TODAY ? I coped when he dropped mum off, I told my mum how grateful I was for her support and that I couldn?t cope without her BUT that I cannot be strong all the time and that I will cry and be upset when I need to ? she understood. ( that was tissue 2) , I went to the supermarket and got some food- I didn?t have any wobbly moments ? the world still seems like I am looking through a lens but at least I participated in the picture today - I took the kids out with my mum they played and laughed and I did too. We went to a café and I ate some bread and a few chips ( amazing considering what Ive had for the last few days) . I came home and have had a calm conversation with him and he has taken the dcs to swimming ? I asked him to take them for tea and to look at where his new house is. And then I wrote this post . YESTERDAY I COULD NOT SEE THAT I WOULD LIVE THROUGH LAST NIGHT AND TODAY BUT I HAVE THANKS TO YOU ALL ? I may wobble again tonight but TY TY TY for getting me to here xxxxxx

SO SORRY I have only just found these other posts from today
Ledkr ? the supermarket is scary isn?t it ? I just went to a small one today couldn?t cope with tesco or asda ? I will go and workout PM thing when I have made littlest ones tea x
Letitlie ? I have posted that I survived him being here earlier but I didn?t come back till 45 mins before swimming so that time together was limited xx will PM Ty xx

Chazsbrilliant attitude ? you put a very similar post to TB many people have said they think he is depressed but I do think that as you say I must have got to the point where I thought ? ?over to you? I suppose I don?t know if this will go on for another 10 years and I cant do that to myself or the children ? him being in his cave ( or our conservatory as it has become known) ? then on top of that to say he doesn?t love me followed by some comment that he ? doesn?t think or feel anything? was the final straw?I did hope that he would get help but I know he wont ?I have described my food intake and tissue counting earlier xxxx Counting the tissue has been a measure of a significant improvement today xxxxx

Dozer ? I am saying yes to nothing ! I am also crying and have told my mum I need to do that and also found a friend who can cope with my crying - but much less chemical leakage today xxx

Mavis grind ? TY for your post ? yes I do feel angry that I had to tell the kids but leaving things to me has been a common theme I now realise. In terms of his feelings and laying things at my door he actually said your find someone better ? you are better of without me ? I told him it was up to me who I was with and that if he was leaving the n he should take responsibility for that ? even tried to shove that onto me ???? I have just turned 40 and have 3 kids under 8 I am hardly going to have men beating my door down ? thinking about him saying that does make me angry and you can now see how astute your observation was xxxxx venting here is really helping xxx TY again

Hello

How are you doing now?

will you be able to keep bust this weekend? I know daft question with three kids, but I mean going out with them or having a wee bit compnay?
x

busy

Hope the weekend is quiet and that you can gather your thoughts before monday. sorry that your dp works for same org. Work might be a good distraction, but if it's too hard when you get there maybe some time off might help?

Also, is ok not to be a caring, coaching manager for a little bit! You need to save that energy. Your colleagues will get by.

Classic, floosie thinks keeping busy is good and i've suggested quiet! Whichever helps you at this moment.

Glad to here the tissues consumption is going down and the food consumption is going up.

You are handling the situation very well.

Be in no doubt that even if his reactions are driven by a failure to deal with grief it is selfish and cruel of him to turn on you and you are quite right to protect yourself and your children from his behaviour.

Take care.

Dozer, I know, we can only give advice based on how we cope.

what a lovely, lovely person you sound

for what it's worth, you don't need to name every poster individually to reply on your thread, we all get how overwhelmed you are

unless you want to, of course

I am having a glass of rose after a hard week at work. I raise it to you

Mapam, my X also tried the "you're so better off without me" read "poor, poor me".... but do you know what - you are better off without him!

Take each day as it comes and don't worry if stuff seems a bit weird (I started looking for people's wedding rings in the supermarket... )

I too am 40 with 2 small dcs. Whether or not a man is prepared to take that on is neither here or there. I'm just dandy as I am! (You will be too )

Keep posting and feel free to pm me if you want.

Floosie, dozer, chaz and AF ( sorry to list again - will stop) TY for your follow up - funnily enough - both busy and quiet work but strangely nothing in between - I have charged around today to get through the day but once he took kids swimming I did nothing just sat and typed on here so you are all right with the advice and I cant stress enough that it has got me to 8.42 which is amazing for me x.

AF my hand is on the tissue box but I have not taken one out ...yet .....since this happened my friends have said and sent me texts saying such complimentary things about me and for you to say that I sound lovely is so heart warming ( it eases the pain in my chest) - its made me realise that for about 3 years he has not said anything nice to me - never said I looked nice or had done something kind or was good at anything - yet you and my friends can say it so easily ...... ill send you a cyber cheers re teh rose wouldnt dare touch anything at the mo...( you are clearly much loved on here and that is evidently well deserved)
He has gone again now - swimming went fine - bit like pulling teeth organising when he is coming tommorrow and when he is packing ( he said I dont want to do it in fromt of the kids!!!! no but your happy to leave them ???Bizarre) But him not being in the house is stopping the demented feeling I had about wanting to know everything he had done that day and go over the old ground again if that makes sense?

Crap element of today is I cant face talking to SKY call centre to organise some sort of TV package cos I will have to say he has left and taken sky with him ( priorities) but I am allowed one wimpy moment per day I think......

thanks for the PM and offers of PM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AF could I just hijack a little and say I always think you give such excellent advice on these threads - I rarely disagree with your take on things and you usually get the nub of the issue without bullshit or nonsense.

Having read a lot of relationships threads since my marriage went tits up I would like to slightly tip my jaunty cap to you (in a non-sexist-non-classist way of course!)

Fawning Disclaimer: I may have had three glasses of

ah mavis grind - yes I read poor me too ....he never thought poor me meaning me myself ...I am trying to embrace the weird movie like quality in my life at the mo - I cant believe you are also 40 with small dcs I am clearly not alone ( that helps so much) - I will be fine without a man and I cant ever see how any situation would arise where I will ever be with one again -thank you for the PM offer I will take that up - I think next week will be a bit of a roller coaster as he actually moves his stuff out BUT - I will think about that next week- Breathe.... This is night 2 without him so at least I wont ever have to do night 1 again xxxxTY

Leave Sky until tomorrow, you have already got through a lot of firsts today

It takes so much energy doesn't it

Play it cool when you see him

Your doing well
x

Mavis grind - you made me smile and then laugh with your post to AF - not happened a lot in last few days ) esp like fawning disclaimer....

thank you floosie - Ill put sky on my list of things to do - have done others like council tax etc by email might see if I can do sky by email...it does take energy - I dont know if ill even see 10 oclock tonight - and cool is my new derranged TY x

Treat yourself gently, MAPAM

sleep well I hope MAPAM

AF and MB - I have made it to 10oclock- I am now going to go and do the locking up, light turning out that he used to do - but thats fine - I have easy read to help switch off and I am proud of getting through today - eightyearold daughter installed in my bed as comfort blanket - have had a brew and piece of cheese and some crisps !- day 2 nearly over, and tommorrow day three - only 3 tissues used today xxxxxsee you tommorrow xxxxx