Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

THanks AF , Floosie and MavisG - I will have no choice but to tell people at work I suppose and I already had a couple of random textx so word is getting out. EERRMM had strange night and early morning- DD5 asked if we could go upstairs and "have a little chat"" of course it was about manchild leaving and she was distraught sobbing that she wanted him to stay and come on holiday with us. Ultimately I think once I got to the bottomof things she thinks it could mean that I will also go at some point- so I tried to stress to her that I would never leave her and she would always be safe - but again I was upset and angry that it was me dealing with it again. THEN how horrid our own minds can be I woke this mornig after a tormenting dream where we were all together and I felt that he loved me ( I mean really felt it) and then (in the dream) he started to be horrid and sayhe didnt loveme and kept trying to get away and I kept trying to get himback and I also felt that he loved someone else. I know it was a dream but I think I must have cried in my sleep cos my eyes were stickly and I actually felt like I had been through that experince. So a wobbly start and feel tearful but thats prob also about spectre of work tommorrow. xxxxxxxx However Iam not under the duvet I have got up I have fed the children and dressed one child and myself. I do know that there is a lot worse going on in the world but my own little head world is still a bit whirrly and poundy xxxxxxxx

Hi MAPAM. Yeah, I had dreams like that too. Woke up in tears. Just awful.

But it is great you got up! That is excellent. I know because I felt like just staying in bed all day today. It all seemed too much. But DS needed a lift to meet his girlfriend and I needed to get groceries so I forced myself to shower and dress and I did feel better.

I am filled with rage too at how my H (sadly my name for him is a bit...ahem more descriptive than yours....see my recent post ) at how dismissive he is regarding HIS children.

I am off to go to bed now (Australia so topsy turvey) and intend on having a good day tomorrow. It is busy which is good.

Take care MAPAM. giving hand to hold from Australia

Hi MAPAM, sorry been having a busy weekend with the children, you sound like you're doing great though! Take care x

Hi Dr Fay - - So glad Im not the only one with the dreams - hope I dont have another one - and yes i did get up and so did you and we did some things today and not just hide under the duvet. I saw your posts about FKN I love your names for him. It is the cold dismissive "I have my life now" attitude that really galls. Mine has been here today as if nothing has happened as if hed just popped out to the shops and then popped back - I gave him DD5 today and said shes upset spend some time with her so off he went - I hope it has helped her. I am struck though by how I am left with all the caring stuff for kids , feeding ,cleaning, dressing hairbrushing, organising etc and he just sits at his dads then swans in here to take them out for a few hours - i know I shouldnt grumble cos he does come to see them everyday but I cant help but think how he is the one leaving me with the kids so he can be happy and do you know what doesnt gove a toss what I might want - why is it so easy for them to just walk away from all their responsibilities and leave us with even more ? Anyway must stop over thinking ----have a good busy day tommorrow Drfay and you take care tooxx
Hi Letitlie - up and down but not under the duvet with kleenex so thats good, I am going back to work tommorrow - please god I dont bawl whilst there - wish me luck - DD8 has gone to grans tonight so on my own in bed tonight too for first time - never mind ill be up at 6 for work xxxx ill check in tomorrow if I survive xxxxxxxx

I used to get so angry about H swanning in to be fun dad whilst I was left mopping up crap but I figure I'm in for the long-game. DS1 is already wising up to what his dad is like (5 year olds are very perceptive!) and although I always try and cover for him, I won't be able to do that forever.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and make sure you have a decent breakfast before work tomorrow! Take care.

Hello

I have been out all day, but I was wondering how you are?

Well you have got through the weekend, that's a major hurdle.

I know it does seem like an injustice that he just gets fun times with the kids. But that may change, its all still in the early stages

Get tomorrow over and you will feel a lot better

on a lighter note i have been at the park all day sitting talking to my friend. One half of my face is bright red and the other is pure white. DS asked "mummy why have you painted one side of your face with red paint?"
xx

Hi mavis and floosie - thank you for your kind thoughts - and understanding about manchilds lack of understanding.. I will definately have a brew before work and my mum will force something upon me too no doubt !! As you say I have got through the weekend and thats an achievement compared to where I was .. I dont feel anywhere near as sad and lonely as I did - If I get through tommorrow that will be another achievement. Dont know how I feel about telling people cos it makes it real doesnt it - and I cant face pity either...will have to just "roll with it" and stop fighting it I guess...
Mavis - whats happened today in the park just means you will have to go again tommorrow and do the other side xxx right going to pack bag and get ready to face the world again xxx- ill let you know how it goes TY x

Hope tomorrow goes ok at work.

Just caught up with your thread MAPAM. Gosh - what a difference in a few short days, you sound so much stronger!!

Don't let the dreams throw you - just 'processing' going on and is a positive sign really that you are working on all this and making sense of it.

Good luck at work tomorrow. And don't tell them if you're not ready yet - it's entirely your decision, you don't have to! One of the great things about being unhitched is the freedom to make your own decisions without recourse to anyone else.
Well done you sound like you're doing really well.

Hi Mapam,

Just to say that I think that you are doing really well.

Wishing you well at work today - it won't be as bad as you fear, honestly.

Tbh, I'd say something at work, but keep it neutral. After all, you don't need the hassle of being postbox/phone answering service for him, if he has the sort of job where he can be rung up at home. Also, it then becomes a little more official which, with a bit of luck, will cause the pratt some inconvenience (with a bit of luck).

I too, think that he's been a complete knob about the ring.

Don't know why, but it's made me remember being congratulated on my engagement (photo on front page of local rag, ring blessed in church etc etc), when I'd broken it off, some 9 months later. At the time, seem to remember a slight peverse pleasure in discomfitting people. In my defense, I was 19, and had decided (stupidly) that

a - I was never going to shed another tear over the bastard (very bad move, spent the next 6 months running on adrenaline, felt absolutely nothing when I came face to face with him, lost a stone in 2 days, left university without a degree). So, crying the hurt out of your system does more good in the long-term than bottling it up, and

b - biochemistry was going to be my life (bit idealistic at 19 )

Unless you sneakily mn at work, by the time you come on here tonight, you will have got through the first day at work.

So, another hurdle over. Well done!

Have a , and virtual choc. Can recommend the malteser tiffin (dd, 13, calls it malteser shit - on account of its non-existent nutritional value)

So, double helping of , including a stash in your desk drawer for any tricky moments.

Hugs

tb

Gaaah - 'defence'

Mapam - you sound stronger, which is lovely.

I told just a couple of close colleagues at work initially, asking them to keep it to themselves. They were very supportive and understanding. I also told my boss (in case I needed to run to the loo in tears or needed a few minutes out) and he was great too. There's no need to tell everyone, or tell them everything. I started off with "we're going through a really rough patch" and took it from there. What I find amazing, after telling more people a few weeks later, was how many people I thought were happily married, were going through hell too. One is now in the process of seeing my solicitor, to start divorce proceedings, but I had no idea a couple of months ago that there was anything wrong with her marriage at all. People do understand, and they do want to help.

The swanning in and having fun with the kids, then walking away like nothings happened is the thing that has me seething at the moment. My ex is currently still paying all the bills/mortgage etc., on the family house (which me and 4 kids are in). My sol said I have to be prepared for him to stop doing this, if he chooses to. (Seeing sol this week to finalise the settlement). So, here we are, being supported financially by him, but with no idea when this will end. And I so hate being at his mercy. So taking over the bills and getting him to pay an amount to me every month is what we're focussing on this week. However, he's buggered off to Italy for a fortnight - so he's doing what he likes, and I'm worried about dipping into my savings, to take the kids on holiday (which we all desperately need) in case he pulls the plug on the bills. I hate this. He also walked out when the house was undergoing renovations, and I'm left with builders to sort. And I hear about him going out clubbing, and drinking in trendy wine bars....whilst I'm sorting out the plastering, etc. So I now how you feel.

The fact that they can just walk away from responsibility is galling. But getting a solicitor and sorting out the financial stuff is crucial: they can't, by law, walk away from their financial responsibilities.

Saffy - I know exactly how you feel - I'm still on relatively amicable terms with XH and he is responsible for quite a lot of my income at the moment. I've retrained and managed to get a job which will allow me a bit of financial independance and not be so reliant on maintenance but it's galling to hear about the swanning around cocktail bars with his gf whilst I'm trying to get a sobbing toddler to sleep, worrying about paying the car insurance..

I think if you're getting on with your life with any degree of success they are of the opinion that everyone should just carry on as normal (XH has even said that my family should have 'got over it' by now and can't understand why I make sure their paths never cross).

Infuriating!

Mapam - I hope work is ok today. Catch up later.

Hope your day is going well MAPAM. Be strong (I know, easier said than done).

Saffysmum, I agree. I loathe the way my 'person' (those who have seen my thread know that I refer to HIM as ABCKF...husband is a term that no longer fits what he is doing to us and has become) thinks that everything is ok and that he can just swan about. However, I think he is in for a shock when he realises that the children are not too happy with him. I am setting up a solicitor tomorrow as too many people (here and RL) have warned me to do so. My best interests are not his. I need to protect myself. I cannot afford to be messed about!

And yes, tell people. I have been pleasantly surprised at how kind and supportive people are.

The support here is amazing. Use it (I know I have) and keep going.

I predict...Sales in Kleenex going down soon ....

HHHEEELLOOO- I did it - I survived - I even did some work - I solved some problems- i dealt with some difficult staffing issues - I only had one over reaction ( but at least I noticed this) - I ate 2 sausage rolls - I thought more about work than manchild - I didnt cry !! = so I am very proud of myself. Boss was great ( even more macho boss above him was so concerned that he suggested my boss take me for a brew - quite astounding - if you knew him) , a few people asked me if Id enjoyed leave - Ijust said oh it was unexpected I had some things to sort out and left it at that. So door is open to say more as I feel up to it. I am supposed to meet 2 colleagues after work weds for tea and I was all set to bottle out but I feel so much stronger with the support of everyone on here that I thought no just go and deal with it - so I have and I have told MC that he is having the kids whilst I go -
Dozer, pickgo and Tb - TY so much for your support I am so so grateful I would not be here coping if it wasnt for you and others - I hope the dream is just making sense of things because I can live with that. I hope as it comes out he does get inconvienced - infact his boss (who I know )had sent me a supportive email already. I will keep crying if I have to as you have said and I do feel better. Still running a bit on adrenaline and fitting in clothes I havent worn in 2 year sbut seeing that as a positive with a holiday looming. I shall definately investigate malteser shit - hugs much appreciated xx
saffysmun, mavisGand DrFay I can only reiterate what I said above that without your kindwords and support I would not have gone to work today - I know that for definate- as you say I am doing the telling bit by bit and yes i was very touched by how much my boss wanted to help today - it has also made me think how many people "actually" have great realtionships ??. You clearly understand the frustrations I have about my role and his role - but I am financially independant from him so I am sorry that you have to endure that worry as well. ( I only have enough to manage but have spent 11 years with someone who spent his wage on debts so no savings etc ) I really hope saffysmum that you get a good settlement from the solicitor I will be rooting for you xxxx Mavis as you say - you get the crying he gets the partying - I get the crying ( over him leaving - every night so far) and he gets to sit in peace at his dads on the playstation. And I know he just thinks we should be like him just carrying on - My whole family have been in tears about this but he would have no concept of that either just like your XH
DRFay I drifted off today on the motorway ( not recommended) and was thiking about things and I actually did crazy person laugh ( whilist alone in the car) as I was saying your FCK name for "the person" in my head and it really made me laugh and then I thought ohgod dont say that to anyone at work today no matter how annoyed you get so there you go - thanks for that !! I will be thinking of you when you see Sol and I hope so much that it goes well for you - TY for the hand holding. The support on here has been crucial to me keeping going too and yes Kleenex sales are definately down this week on last week TY again all the kind ladies for checking on on me xxxxx

well done you

You have managed a weekend and work Thats so much more than you thought you could do on Friday

Keep yur chin up kid

x
ps yes am going back to get the other side of my face done tomorrow!

Well done! There will be down days and shit times but they get farther apart and the good times get much better!

My dcs are off to their fathers tomorrow for nearly 2 weeks. I know they will have a fab time but my god I'll miss them. I'm aiming to try and do all the stuff you can't do with a 2&5 year old in tow. It's going to be a long break though.

Keep posting Mapam - try to look forward to things rather than think about enduring them e.g. your holiday or tea with colleagues. You can have a good time as a singleton!

Just checking in, rather confused to find the message I sent last night isn't here
.

Glad you've got through today, well done! One step at a time and it gets easier.

Take care

not only will you survive, you will thrive.

hi mapam,im back from hol.you have been doing great.The more things you achieve without him the stronger you will feel.You will also gain back some self worth and respect that you lose when you get rejected. I used to think ex had left me cos i was fat,ugly and scarred but after a few weeks i looked at him and thought how could i have fancied him,and i felt like the beautiful one.When i was with him i took no interest in myself and when i didnt have him to take up my time and effort i emerged strong and determined with a growing self confidence and i certainly didnt feel rejected,i felt sorry for him cos he'd lost me The look on their faces when they slowly see you coping and living your own life is priceless.
Well done for going to work,i did too but i depends on how good a place work is for you,i worked with children with emotional probs so i had them to focus on and my colleagues were amazing feeding me bits of food like a pet haha.

Ho Floosie, merry berry, mavisG, Letitlie and ledkr - TY so much for your support and posts - I really appreciate it - I got through another day and told two staff who were so supportive - one said she was going to cry and the other said give me any of your work any time and Ill do it for you !!! I am definately doing more that I thought i could on thurs. MAvisG that will be hard not having kids - Ive been thinking about that cos I didnt have kids and a partner to then not see then for long peroids of time - but you are right i will plan and do all the things I have not been able to do with 5,6 and 8 year old in tow as you say. Floosie - chin is staying firmly up !! - ledkr - I think the same - I have decided I am fat ugly and boring and thats why he doesnt love me - I really hope to move on to where you are and I am going to take an interest in myself to make sure I start making that progress and I so want to be strong and self confident !!!!!!!I hope I follow in your footsteps - If I could get rid of that rejected piece of rubbish feeling i would be thrilled - an I really want to see that look on MC face when I am coping - Work is definately great for taking my mind off things sooo busy and all the staff are V kindxxxxx
Something that is irritating me and I probably need AFs views on this !!!! how come he could do shitall when we were together ( which was only 10 days ago) but since then he has aquired the skillls to go food and house shopping , he can clean, he can organise telephones, gas electric broadband, beds x 3 + settee delivery, sky and a geta F88king house !!!!!!!!!!!! How is that ??????

Because he had you to do it for him! Just think how much time you will have when you are not running after child no 4

It kind of confirms AF's opinion of him.

It is hard not to feel rejected and that's why it is important to do something for you just now. Hair, something new to wear...anything that makes you value yourself a wee bit

see the crying is turning to anger.....good sign
x

Af will prob be along later but i am sure she wont mind me jumping in and saying my bit. It doesnt really matter what he does now,dont waste time tormenting yourself about it,go out of your way not to know what he is doing as it will wind you up,dont look on his face book or speak to people you know will update you on him,you will never get answers im afraid,i was wondering the other day how my ex can have his new baby dd's name tatooed on his arm whilst he ignores the 4 fabulous dc's he already had,but i push it out of my mind and dont let it wind me up.You know what?You have enough to do already,your life is going to be fab and you have your lovely daughters so will never be alone wheras he has to start again.
Oh yeah-the self confidence is greatly helped by the weight you loose with stress and the new hair=do and clothes that i am ordering you get for your holiday
Another day ticked off!

Floosie-great minds and all that

HHHHMMMMMMMM Floosie - you are right I dont think I had noticed the anger start to take the place of the misery - well spotted !!! And yes I see what you are saying he didnt need to do it did he - which is what AF could see and I just looked after him like a child. Difference now is its his dads money being spent not mine !!! Its always someone elses money !!!The feeling rejected may take a little longer but I am heading off in that direction - TY xxxx