Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

[MAPAM]

Hello

I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

You are doing just fine MAPAM.
tomorrow is another day. Keep that chin up
xx

Gmorn MAPAM, I can hear more strength in your posts. You really seem like such a great woman, who's been incredibly committed to your clearly depressed (sorry, not an expert, but it seems very clear to me) husband. That in itself takes a lot of strength.

FYI, I'm 48 with DD13, DD11 and DD5, stopped working 9yrs ago, when we were both earning the same amount in big global jobs. I'm facing all of that now too. I don't feel old and I don't feel unattractive, but I now wish I hadn't completely chucked in my career for a life which has just evaporated! I've lost three stone in the past year, and actually can now imagine a different life. Funnily enough, that year of grieving was also healing, even though I was still hopeful he would change his mind. So yes, there will come a time when you feel like there's hope.

But try to control the head spinning and more than anything, don't make any major changes. I hear you doing admin things, but just go easy. No need to change names on council tax etc. Just hold off, look after yourself and start to look into seeing a solicitor, if the admin feeling is strong, or if he is requiring stuff. My sol told me not to do a single thing until divorce papers are served...

Happy to PM as well. Have a good day.

right, it's the weekend. What are you up to this weekend? x

Hello there - Ive got that churning feeling and used tissue 1, Ive fed the kids and gong to have a brew in a minute. I dont think I can do any more admin today my head is a bit poundy. Ive just made a decision not to iron his jeans ( yes he is still putting his clothes inthe washing basket) ( dont laugh) ...I even want to start packing his clothes for him but Iam going to stop myself.
Doha - I am focussing onkeeping chin up
Kaelle - A little bit of me must have hoped hed change his mind even though I was unhappy with him - I think on thursday when he was leaving and he reiterated that he didnt loveme and he was going thats when the floodgates opened and it all came out. RE legal stuff we are not married we had been engaged for about 8 years and about 18 months ago he said he was never going to get married so I took the ring off - he said on thursday that was one of the reasons we were breaking up cos I took that off - ( I took it off cos he said he was not going tomarry me ??!!) NO real large stuff to work out = Ive always paid mortgage and most bills - hes not materialistic ( hes v laid back) I told him he can take what he wants but he just wants computer and a few other bits. I am the main wage earner I work longer hours and have much more responsibility at work than he does - yet as you can imagine I always did the shopping cooking etc, we pay my mum to do childcare ( he has agreed to continue paying that ) and I am not asking for anything else off him - all the rest of his wage went on his debts. His dad is helping him pay for rent and furniture .........
Merry berry -I have no real plans for the weekend - got to do some work work to get ready for going back and hes coming at 2 to see the kids and do some packing so I might go to my sisters then rather than see him - do you think thats a good idea xxxxxx

Gosh, MAPAM, I know you loved him 'n'all but very soon you are going to realise he was not worthy of your respect

he has to be helped to pay his rent by his dad ?

any wages he has goes mostly on debts ?

he threw a hissy when you took your engagement ring off (err...hello ? an engagement ring signals a commitment to get married ) so I am not surprised you took it off

he sounds like he hasn't ever grown up..like a child-man

you are the grown-up here, and always have been, it would appear, and soon you will realise you didn't actually need another child, you needed a mature man

listen now...do not perform any more domestic duties for him, it stops now

I hope it isn't too soon for you to hear the above character assassination of the man you love(?d) but you will come to see it is totally true x

Hi AF - you are wonderful - not a problem to here that - its exactly what my mum and sister have said to me - my mum especially said I had 4 children not 3. I even fed him the other night cos I was worried he wasnt eating - what a plonker - he is a child man you are right - I think that description must also run to his emotional development too.. in a way thats why I think I will go out when he comes cos Ill just help him pack !! I am proud of being a kind caring person to others but there comes a point when its taking the P I suppose. It was my friends who have helped himsort out the debts etc but they did that for me and to make sure he could pay my mum !! I will not do amy more domestic stuff - not ironing the jeans is my turning point ! the children have just put a tiara on my head whilst I was typing so princess MAPAM is now off to get them dressed - they had buns for breakfast - thats so bad .......xx

Hi MAPAM

I am so sorry for what's happened to you. I can't help you on the DC front (you have lots of good support here on that) but in terms of work have you told them what's going on?

I told my boss and a few people two days after I found out about my H's affair and everyone at work was fantastic. For my sanity I wanted to try and get through work days normally but in the early days I did a lot of running out half through the day and I did quite a lot of calling in sick on odd days. My boss just told me that if I couldn't face coming in in the morning but that I felt I could come in the afternoon, that was just fine.

I can say, hand on heart, that I did not expect such support and kindness from everyone at work; it really blew me away and it has really made a difference. If you haven't told them yet, do, it really does make it so much easier to cope with the tissue stage. It turned out there were two ladies whose H's had had affairs and who have been brilliantly supportive for me. Us human beings really do come through for each other in times of trouble. xx

yes, good plan, go to your sisters

I don't think it matters at the moment how much of an arse he is, its being told you arent loved that hurts.

The hurt will start to turn to anger soon.....and that will drive you through the next few weeks.

keep going girl, Im proud of you

Oh and if all else fails i find dancing about the living room with a bottle of chardonnay, singing Beyonce usually help!
x

buns for breakfast ?

fab

I agree, stay away while ho does his packing. You have to stop enabling his immaturity now. Imagine ? I bet he would still let you carry on sorting his life out for him, wouldn't he ? Don't you dare !

Any Fucker, do you want me to punch his lights in again?

yeah, floosie

AF and floosie - thank you AF for making me laugh and as you both say I will go to sisters when he comes round- I will stop sorting things out and hopfully the anger will start soon = it is being told you are not loved that hurts the most cos in your head you hear " no one loves you " but I know that isnt true I can think clearly enough to say that. Darent touch alcohol but I have sang "on the edge" by GAGA with kids in bathroom. thanks for the cyber punches .........
Before and after - thank you for the advice about work - its complicated - I have 2 bosses but both have been fantastic - they gave me comp leave this week even though i didnt care if they put it as sick or sacked me ! ( briefly) He works for the same org so have to think about what I say if that makes sense - I have my own office so will stock up on tissues and shut the door when neccessary - one boss has offered to bring in tissues and cake - its in big meetings or when I am chairing things I am worried a thought will creep in and ill have to leave ..breathe ....but hopefully that wont happen xxxxx I think I will find a couple of people to talk to though - I work with a colleague very closely but she is on leave but will tell her def when she comes back xx

urgh i did something weird with buttons on laptop and totally lost my sensible post. so less sensibly i am now saying 'buns for breakfast? adopt me, i'll be your adult kid, not him' :)

sister's place sounds like a bright idea of yours. you'll concentrate better on work and keep a needed feeling of seperation.

working for the same org must be harsh. focus focus focus on tasks in hand as they arise. hard work for you though :(

have the kid's seen kung-fu panda 2 yet? take them to that for a treat if you're feeling rich enough!

sorry LOL in disbelief at

'i don't want to marry you'
MAPAM removes ring
'you've made me not want to be with you at all by taking your ring off'

cruel and illogical and self-indulgent. that's a teen response at best.

Hi Merry berry - KFP2 sounds like a great idea - and I will def focus at work - he gave that as one reason why he hadnt gone before now - cos his name would be mud at work !!! As if I want to discuss it with everyone !! I thought the engagement thing was cruel too.
It gets better HE has just sent ME a text asking ME what time did HE say HE was coming the see the kids !!!!!!!!! and texted back with the answer - breathe --- I am going to now feed kids sausages bacon and yougurt and fruit in case anyone was going to report me .............xx

< packs case to come and live at MAPAM's gaff >

Just to say I'm away till Monday and haven't just forgotten you, I'm glad you have so much support, sounds as if you are doing great x

Hey MAPAM, how are you doing? I was thinking about you today. You know the advice about taking it slow and all is good and something I am trying to do myself.

I am having setbacks and have decided that one day at a time is the only way to go. So I now think at the start of each day What do I want to do today? And go with that. So for example, tomorrow (Sunday), I am going to do a bit of desultory cleaning (only type of cleaning in my book ), bake some cupcakes, take son to meet his girlfriend, go buy a chicken for dinner, knit and walk the Sophiedog. I will, of course, spend time with DS and DD. But that is enough to be going with.

I also have found that it helps to tell people. I have had nothing but kindness and support from everyone I have told. Oh and I, too, am in the same industry as H. That is going to be difficult in my new job where H has done consultancy work and is highly thought of in his area. Pah! Adulteror!

Take care and watch it...you might need to buy shares in Kleenex. I know I should have!!

you forgot to timetable MNing. tcha.

Mapam, you're doing so well. I always agree with AF's post, but she's hit the bullseye with her response about your ex being a manchild.

People used to say to me that I had 5 kids, not four. I used to mother my ex, I think that's part of why we drifted apart, he was happy to be treated and cared for like a child - I was happy to do it. So I take part of the blame for that. But it doesn't excuse their behaviour, not one iota.

My ex has a huge sense of self-entitlement, unbelievably so. Yours probably has the same - it's because they've always had someone, parents, us, whoever, to pick up the pieces, the put the blame and responsibility on.

Be prepared for your ex to flounder because you've taken away his security blanket, his adoring audience. Like a child, he will probably sulk and act up and blame you for everything. (The engagement ring incident is a textbook example). He'll spit his dummy out. Let him. Ignore, ignore and then ignore. Not your problem anymore. Right up until almost the end, I continued cooking, cleaning, ironing and fussing over a man(child) who had told me repeatedly he didn't love me anymore. But I'd always done far far more than my share about the home, and it was very hard to stop. I had to learn how to stop doing stuff for him. But stop I did.

You and the kids are all that matters. He has chosen this - even if he hasn't had the guts to actually make the break, believe me 100% - he wanted this - that's why you got to breaking point - he drove you there. My ex did the same. So whatever is ahead for him - is for him. Don't worry about him, about how he's coping. He has a lot of growing up to do - let him do it. You have a lot of healing and self nuturing to do - so focus on that.

AF - I have just made you frenchbread , salad and icelollies - hope you liked it !
Ledkr - thank you so much for the support I PM'd you back xx
Drfayray - I have been thinking about you too as you say we do have some similarities in our circumstances !! I know tho that you were together much longer than we were- I am trying to take things one day at a time - it is hard but as you say its the only way things feel manageable. Your sunday sounds pretty full up to me..In terms of telling people you are right I have only had kindness back too. Kleenex has done very well out of me so far (I have an open box and a spare xx) You sound to me like you are doing really well to and you have a new job to contend with !!!
Saffysmum - well from now on he will be called manchild....I am so glad I am not the only one who has had this kind of relationship - I have wondered too if becuase I adopted this role that is why things went wrong - he wasnt like that when I first met him .....In a way I hope he does flounder but he will probably go back to living how he was when I met him just ignoring most things that are complicated, cars , insurance etc - TBH he had become a sulky miserable child already - I know he blames me for everything in his life I see this look of distaste in his eyes when he looks at me .. that hurts...He has packed some clothes and his playstation ( priorities) and now gone again I gave him food again and let him eat with the kids whilst I had nothing and then I cleaned up after everyone ( I did that for the kids tho). I find it incredably hard to switch off and not fuss about him and check what hes been doing or how far he has got in sorting things out- that has always been my role I suppose .... he was clearly so unhappy for a long time that I nearly killed myself trying to do things to make him happy ( when according to him now it was me making him unhappy) - that is what I got off my chest to him a few hours before I did my first post- I listed all the things I had done just in the last 12 months and still just a cold response that blamed me. I think thats what tipped me over the edge and into a 6 hour crying marathon. Its all so draining.
I did go to my sisters and this time she started crying and set me off - she said she just feels so sorry for me and so angry at him - sometimes poeple forget that there are family members caught in the fall out - she said my niece saw him in town out with one of the women from work at dinner time and he gave her a cheery wave - charmin - never prepared to go out to town or shopping with me or even talk to me but happy to do that with all the women at work .. that also really hurt me and was another factor in my initiating the "the talk" last friday. Anyway TY so much for the posts and listening and the advice - I told my sister today how good this had been for me xxxxI am going to do a bit of work work now xxxxxxxxx

keep in touch, love x

It wasn't you making him un happy, you are just an easy target to make himself feel better....typical manchild

You are the strong one in the relationship, your life will only improve, as you won't have him draggin you down. trying to make someone else happy is a hell of a burden.

keep going
x

Thought I'd pop by to see you are - you're sounding great!

I second the idea of telling people - we're so used to dealing with immaturity and irresponsibility that it's a (pleasant/astounding) surprise to find that people are great around difficult situations, that people know the right thing to do/say.

I got my first rental house after we split because the land lady's son had been left by his wife. Although I was a single parent of 2 on benefits and hardly great tenant material, she just said "we've been through this with our son, it affects the whole family so why wouldn't we help you out?" Lovely people.

Hope the rest of the weekend (and indeed Summer Holidays) are restful and good fun with your dcs. You're doing brilliantly!