Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

The quickest way to divorce him would be unreasonable behaviour- but they look at the preious 6 months, so you need to start keeping a diary. UB is quite a broad term- it would cover not being around for kids after they were ill, working long hours ( presumably out of choice) and not contributing to family life etc.
You could be divorced within 6 months if you took this route.

And no- you can't make him leave. It always makes ms smile when women here say "kick him out"- not possible- legally, physically or whatever, if it's jointly owned.

But you can start divorce proceedings if you live separate lives under the same roof.

Thanks girls, just want to bury myself in bed and cry all afternoon - looong cricket match in crap weather this morning, and I am absolutely dreading DH coming home. Then again, I don't think I can feel much worse than I do now. Whichever poster said he earns good money if he works long hours - well, it's ok money, but we're not talking more than £30k. I work, very hard, part time to bring in money for the extra things like holidays and swimming lessons. So no, he doesn't completely provide for us. His flight doesn't land till 6, which means he won't be home till 7 at the earliest - boys desperate to see him etc. Can't decide to have this out with him tonight, once they're in bed, (and miss the Apprentice ) or leave it till tomorrow night when he's been home 24 hours.

Minx, I don't know if this will help but I was in a marriage very like yours except that ex-h put the pub before family rather than a sport. For 12 years I hung on trying to fix things, partly because my younger two dds have medical issues and I didn't want them to be upset. Three months ago ex-h came home from the pub and was so absolutely horrible to me and dd2 that I snapped and told him it was over. It took a month before he actually left but I had moved into the dds room, told his parents and seen a solicitor and I think this made him see that I had crossed a line and wouldn't look back.

I can't tell you the relief when he finally went. I have been able to get a job I enjoy (he wouldn't let me before), I don't walk on eggshells or feel resentful and bitter all the time, the kids don't get let down when he fails to turn up to something, I sleep better....

Financially I am lucky to have savings ( I inherited money when my mother died 18 months ago) and ex-h has paid some child support. He is very well paid and is paying the minimum the CSA recommend but I am a good budgeter and we are doing fine. We have been able to be civilized over access to the children and he sees them regularly.

I think you will feel so much better if you tell your dh it is over. Prepare for a tough few months as he probably won't believe you'll actually go through with it but then you'll be free. Good luck

Don't want to add to your woes but that's not a lot of money for 4 people to live on.

If he is galavanting al over , how much must he be spending on air fares and travel FGS!

That alone could be seen as unreasonable.

minx -see how you feel once he walks through the door.

You've made your mind up, the marriage and relationship is no longer what you want. You want to separate/divorce him, end of.

So, don't worry about when you do it. Sooner is obviously better and tonight would be best but stop adding to the pressure you are already under.

See what happens and how you feel once he is back. The rest will fall into place, I promise xx

Oh, and if it helps, have 1 DRINK but no more. Steady the old nerves but don't let him use that against you - 'you're drunk, I'm not talking to you like this, you're over-reacting' etc.

Don't give him any ammo!

Amelia, he gets his flight and accommodation paid for on hockey business, but I think 8 days eating and drinking in Milan must have cost a bit! With my income we're just over £40K so not entitled to Working Tax Credits etc. Days out at Lords aren't cheap. either.

My DH is off to Lords this Friday. Staying over at one of our friend's house the night before, train rather than driving and then the day itself having to eat etc.... dread to think how much that costs but it's a birthday treat and I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet.

so the hockey stuff is work? I am confused. Or is it a perk?

unless you spend a lot on yourself, clothes etc etc then I'd say he has more than his fair share of family money on jollies.

But when you live seperately within the same house you will start getting tax credits based on your income alone and he will have to pay you maintenance in line with CSA figures. You can then each pay 50% of mortgage, council tax and household bills until he moves out.

Hope that makes sense.

You do have to live seperately, seperate food, seperate cooking, washing etc. Seperate finances - open up your own bank account if need be etc

As much as it pains me to admit this, DWP/Tax Credits can actually be very helpful in situations like this but as Random says, you do have to be completely separate from him.

They can help you make sure that you are getting all of the money you are entitled to and you'd surprised by just how much that can be.

Thanks again everyone. My stomach is churning, I've been so snappy with the DC this afternoon because I am dreading what's to come, and scared I'll back out. Will have to bring it up tonight, can't go through another day like this and am working tomorrow.

Hockey is his HOBBY. It creates no income or benefit for his family at all. He gets petrol paid at a pathetic rate, and flight/accommodation. He does it because he likes doing it and has refused to give it up.

well then it's a very nice hobby if he can swan off all over and be paid for doing so!

Could you sort out your own sleeping space for tonight in your house- and give him a letter and say read it?
Then go to bed and start the next chapter of your life?

so I take it that most of his annual leave is used up on his hobby and all the childcare falls to you?

Thanks. Pathetic really, I deal with stressful situations at work all the time and don't get in this state. Feel bad because he will come in the door all smiles, happy, presents etc. And then I tell him?

Having your points on paper would be good.

He will say that the holiday will be time spent with you all, so be ready for that one. You don't want his captive attention on a holiday - the family needs it all year round. He doesn't pay you all off with a holiday and then start up with the neglect again.

YOu should probably wait until the kids are in bed?

Wait until the dc are in bed and you want to go bed.

Tell him you're sleeping in x from now and are filing for a divorce because you are no longer prepared to watch his family not be his first priority.

No discussion and then go to bed?

Not sure you can get away with no discussion unless you give him a letter to read and digest.
But even then he will want to talk. I think you will have to talk. But be like a broken record.

Gave him a letter saying all this in January, then DS1 critically ill so it all went by the wayside.

Am going to sleep in DS2's room on the pretext (for the kids) that he can sleep with his brother for a treat. Of course I won't discuss anything with DC around, they are so looking forward to seeing him.

Same letter with an extra chapter on his behaviour around the time of your child's illness? You probably don't have time to write it now, but you can certainly say - remember that letter I gave you - well it's no better, and indeed your behaviour became truly astonishing.
The man is an idiot, he really is.

I don't think you should engage much in discussion with him because he doesn't listen/accept your point of view.

I am divorcing you for all the reasons I explained in my letter in January, the behaviour after ds' illness has proved to me that you are not prepared to priortise us ever.

If you want to hae maximum impact and effect, you need to get this over with tonight.

He will presumably be on a high ater his trip and pleased to see the DCs. Bring him back to reality by telling it how it is. Don't lie and say you are sleeping in another room for the DCs- tell the truth. Tell him that you have had a lot of time to think and your mind is made up. End of.

There is never going to be the perfect monet.

The only viable reason you are wavering is if you are not really sure that this is the path you want to go down.

It's very easy when egged on by well meaning MNs to follow a course of action- but if your guts are telling you it's not right or you are not sure, you need to listen to that.