Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

No he hasn't made a big deal about the wedding again - I was firm that I'm not going, and he was firm that he was taking the boys. Tomorrow will be interesting as it's our wedding anniversary. I haven't mentioned it or got a card - I imagine he will have done.

Just read through this thread and I think you're dealing with it amazingly well, being strong and sensible.

Stick with it, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 10 years and every time I went to leave my ExH would suddenly change into the man I wanted... Trouble was, it would last until he felt secure, so don't get dragged into the 'good guy' routine. He's got years of making up, rebuilding of trust to do - that is, of course, if that's what you want.

With regards to the wedding, could you ask someone there who you know to keep a crafty eye on you DC incase he gets 'distracted' might just help put your mind at rest.? I actually think it's good for him to take them on for 2 days, if he's never done it before it might help shock him into realising just how hard you work with them.

Hi minx. You have some more excellent advice from wannabesybil on how hard it is to change learned behaviours. I don't think this situation is irretrievable either, but you must, must continue to assert yourself in the way you have done lately.

Well done for staying firm on the wedding. The bride accepts your reasons for not coming and she is the "star" of the day.

To my mind, the wedding anniversary is an opportunity for you to write a short note to DH to say what you appreciate about his changed behaviour. Don't berate him for the past in any way, but make it clear that you feel that your next anniversary will be dependent upon him continuing to be a committed and loving husband.

Write in terms of affection but also determination!

Waltons, a quick question. If the OP is needing to 'assert' herself, does this not imply the marriage has become a battlefield? Why should she have to assert herself? Can't she just be herself? I would hate to have to be consciously asserting myself in my relationship. I expect to be treated with respect and decency - end of. I hope the OP does. Do you OP?

Well, in most of areas of life I'm a really strong, assertive person (job etc). But I had become bogged down in this marriage feeling unhappy, not being heard or considered but just dealing with it all for the sake of our lovely DC. Everyone reaches a point of 'no more' I suppose, and the trauma of DS's near-death has made me realise that I have more inner strength than I thought. This morning at 7am DH went out before work to buy milk, as not much left for DC breakfast - again, previous behaviour would have been to use it all up. Yes this is 'normal' behaviour and I shouldn't be impressed by it, but it's completely different from his usual behaviour. I like the idea of a letter to him today. BTW he said "Happy Anniversary. I'm going to get you some flowers, tho I didn't get a card as I didn't think you would want one under the circumstances." Cack handed, but at least he didn't produce some awful card!

You are doing really well minx.

Just to confirm what someone else said: psychologists have proven that it takes 30 days for new behaviour to become engrained/habitual. So if your DH can keep this up, there is more chance it will continue.

The 2nd thing is- you might know this already if you work with kids- that to make progress with behaviour and develop self esteem, kids need 5 praises for every one criticism. Although you may not feel like praising/thanking DH it could pay dividends.

I think youhave got to let him get on with the wedding and looking after your boys. Your criticisms have boiled down to him not taking responsibility for family life- so, now hehas the chance to do so. he won't do it like you do- but you won't be there to see so just try to relax over it. There will also be loads of other adults there who can keep an eye out as well.

It seems obvious, but looks like he needed a proverbial bomb up his bum to make him see sense and at least he is now coming up with the goods.

Oh minx - it's my W/A today too! I'm being whisked away somewhere nice (with DS in tow due to his SN but DD is away to her friend's house ) and being treated to a fabulous hotel by the sea.

Sorry, anyway, take the flowers, flowers are gorgeous and can be enjoyed with no ulterior motive. Tell him that you are accepting them because you like flowers, not as an anniversary gift if you feel that may make him understand that you are NOT 'giving in' by accepting them.

Up before work to get milk too eh? Impressive. I hope that he really keeps this up. But I guess at some point, YOU are going to have to decide if this is enough of a change in him to stay.

Not now, not even soon but when YOU are 100% ready, without a shred of doubt.

That's not 'leading him on', it's just that you have to be sure. And as I said at the start, you need to keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him change if he really thinks that he can. One day though, he'll have to believe that he can be this new man, the man you always craved and missed out on, for good.

This isn't a play/show etc, this is real life, all of your lives.

I hope with every fibre of my being that this is for real. For the sake of your DSs. xx

How are you minx?