Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.
However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.
BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.
I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.
Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
MNHQ have commented on this thread
Relationships
Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?
minxthemanx · 16/07/2011 16:05
minx - I hope you're okay, I'm away to watch shite tv 
Keep posting as you go along, it will help to get the views of others that you don't 'know' as such to give you their opinions.
I hope you have a restful night, I assume DH is back tomorrow x
I have to agree actions speak a million times loader than words, treating you all like this shows that he doesn't actually love you he just wants you all there for when it suits him 
Thanks timeto, I don't feel very strong, just sick and exhausted. But hey ho, nice early start for DS1's cricket match, which will be a nice event - nothing like a flask of coffee, other Mums (and Dads) and the rain to cheer you up! 
Your DH sounds exactly like my Dad. He nearly drove my mother to suicide with his inability to listen and utter disregard for her, me & my brother. She walked out one day when I was 3 and my brother for 3 months old - taking us with her. I am so thankful she left when she did!
Why I'm sharing this is because in my early twenties, through my studies I realised my Dad had Aspergers, and from what you say I think it's incredibly likely your DH does too. You have been to Relate and even seen the counsellors at a loss of how to communicate with him. To a certain extent it's irrelevant - it doesn't matter WHY your DH chose to go away when his son's life was hanging by a thread, he still did it and of course you can't get past that. But, it means that you don't have to have a verbal response to him saying 'I'm not leaving' and 'Other people manage' etc. There's no point - nothing you can possibly say will make any difference. He will never hear you. At this point, what you need are actions. As someone suggested, change the locks, or tell your ILs that you've had enough and you're kicking him out. Don't worry about what to say, just do it.
Sod the holiday money. Some things are more important. Check the small print and try to find a way not to lose it, but it doesn't matter if you lose the money.
You have been telling him for 10 years that you are unhappy!! You have given him chance after chance! You have told him many times you want to leave! And yet, I guarantee when you actually change the locks he will be completely shocked and bewildered. So don't worry about what to say - you've already said it, many times over. There is no magic combination of words that will make him listen, but you will drive yourself crazy trying. (PS - I bet you are a fantastic communicator as you've had to try every which way to make him understand you! Excellent transferable skill that )
I wish you every bit of strength and courage for the next chapter in your life. You and your DCs deserve so much better. Oh, and ironically, it's possible that after he leaves he'll actually start being more active with the DCs.
Saffy - great post 
x
Minx - AFAIK, you cannot force him to leave the family home when it is jointly owned. He has as much right to be there, as you and the children do, unfortunately.
You need to go and see a solicitor as soon as you can. You need to go to CAB. And you need to tell him that the marriage is over.
That's all for now, keep it simple and to the point. As hard as it is not to get tangled up in an argument or conversation about the whys/hows/whens/what ifs...... do your best to switch your emotions off.
It's not going to be easy because you still have the few good times/special moments etc to remember. 12 years is a long time, it's a huge chunk of your life, most of it wasted maybe? This won't just be sorted over night.
But in the same respect, he is an adult and it would be civil of him to acknowledge your feelings, just for once.
Take your time, think about what you want to say but if it all goes out of your head, don't worry. Tell him what you want, then stop, let him speak and then react to what he says.
The rest will fall into place wrt the children, access, the house, etc. If he makes threats to go for full custody of the boys, ignore it. You need to speak to a solicitor. They will help you put everything into place.
You can do this. You can start to turn your life around and be free of this man. He may not hit you or abuse you physically, but you have had little affection or affection from him and you've had to go through the horrific trauma of watching your son fight for his life.
You deserve better, this man behaves like a lodger not a husband. You will all be better off apart.
He may well throw 'excuses' and 'reasons' to stay together but I have to say this sounds as though it's too little, too late.
Much love to you and your DSs xx
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.