Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

[minxthemanx]

Thanks Random, it's all very scary and I'm still recovering from the trauma with DS1 - very drained. BTW it hs been suggested to me that DH has aspergers, and i did an online questionnaire 'on his behalf', on which he scored very high. It's not something he would ever contemplate, tho. And doesn't make a difference to the fact that tha children need a happy Mum. This week, with him away, has been so much calmer and happier at home.

[RandomMess]

I agree, he clearly won't address anything but it does mean you know that's why he continually puts his needs first.

I cannot imagine how drained you are. Yes you need to be happy and your dc deserve a calm and happy home.

Do you know any of his colleagues? Once they know you are divorcing then he has no excuse to not get accommodation - alternatively would the in-laws have him?

he probably gets the aspie from his Dad. So sad that he has refused to try and learn how to accommodate his families needs

[Mouseface]

Nope, he won't accept this by the sounds of things so you have to take control minx.

Have a look on the WOMEN'S AID website. It's not just for abuse, they have a lot of practical advice about relationship breakdowns too.

CAB can help also, try and get an appointment with them. Try to find a solicitor who deal with family law.

I'm sorry that this has gone on for 12 long years.

Keep going minx, keep moving forward with your beautiful DSs. x

[minxthemanx]

I'm sad too. We have the potential to be a lovely, lovely family. But he makes me so unhappy and has done for so long. (Another eg, came home from hospital on a Thursday after having DS2. Friday, DH at work/home. Saturday - Lords. Sunday - family lunch party in another part of the country. I ddin't go, but he did, leaving me with 4 day old baby and DS1). See what I mean - just doesn't learn.

[ameliagrey]

I just wonder...

going against the grain a bit here. So ignore if you want to.

I agree 100% that he is not pulling his weight as a dad, BUT is this a case of you might be trying to punish him, and end up feeling worse off?

Your unhappiness seems to stem from him not seeing his kids enough and not giving you emotional support. But if you divorce you will lose all of that anyway. Even if he does have unlimited access to the kids, it won't be the same as being a family.

Are you sure that your idea of separation is not a move to try to bring him to his senses- a real cry for help? And that by separating, the only way he would see the kids was presumably by curtailing his sports and hobbies?

Don't make them a pawn in the problems you two are having.

You have got to be careful too that your children do not turn round and blame YOU for losing their dad in the family home. Even though you feel he neglects them, they would I am 100% sure, rather have what they have now than a broken home. In some ways you are projecting your unhappiness onto them- by saying you won't let DS1's feelings be hurt, how will DS1 feel when he knows that you are sending his daddy away?

This may not be what you want to hear, but try to look at it in other ways.
I haven't read all the posts, so maybe if you have had counselling and tried everything it is time to leave - but if not, then maybe that's worth a go?

I just get the impression it's a knee jerk reaction because you are understandably at your wits' end.

[ameliagrey]

is that right- you gave birth 4 days ago?

[LorneMower]

why didnt he take the kids to family do and leave you with baby?
do oyu not say " take ds whoever"

[ameliagrey]

sorry- re-read and realise you were looking back to a former time when he disappeared.

Do you love him at all? Does he love you? Does he know you are feeling like this?

[ameliagrey]

"He told his counsellor last week, first session, that he's fed up with Dad being away and wants us to do more as a family. DH has been told this for the past 10 years but ignores it."

How old is your child and why is he having counselling?

Do your children hear you complaining about their dad being away? Do you test their loyalty? Do you ever let them know how fed up you are? If so, this will be puttting them under terrible pressure as they will ove their dad, no matter how you view him as a husband. They will feel torn in both directions- they love their dad but they don't want their mum to be unhappy.

I just can't help thinking that if you, and they, really want a big happy family, then the answer is to have one last shot at this- with family therapy or Relate again. You said you had counselling years back and you were "beyond that" now- but is anyone really beyond seeking help when things are on the verge of breaking down? maybe your DH does not appreciate how you are feeling.

[ameliagrey]

Re. hols- it's likely you would lose the lot in terms of payment. Insurance usually covers you for illness and yourselves and close family members but you need a drs certificate etc to prove it. Some holiday companies will refund part of payment to you if they can re-let.

But if your kids are going to be devastated, then I think you should grit your teeth and go- and maybe even try to look on it as a turning point , depending on your DH's behaviour then.

[minxthemanx]

Amelia, thanks for your thoughts. Believe me, I have tried everything I can to keep this marriage together. I desperately don't want my kids to be yet another statistic of a broken home. But DH has had many,. many warnings over the last few years that things are breaking down, and yet still he behaves like this. I know you haven't read all the post but DS1 (age 9) was critically ill in January with a burst brain aneurysm, and was not expected to survive. If that isn't a wake up call to change your priorities inlife, I don;t know what is. This isn't a knee jerk reaction. I have been in despair many. many times over several years, and have told him so many times that it's unacceptable and hurting me. My 10 year old is now feeling the same things - that his Dad isn't too fussed about spending time with us if something else comes along. NO, I don't love him any more, he crushed it out of me. Yes, sadly, he does love me.

[minxthemanx]

and I'm quite sure my GP would support me with any certificated necessary as she knows the state I've been in over the years.

[ameliagrey]

I'm sorry.

Why is your son having counselling?

When you say your DH has had plenty of warnings, I know what you mean, believe me, but have you ever thought of changing your behaviour, so that he would have to tak e responsibility?

Words don't work, TBH. Which is what you have found.

Have you not for instance thought about arranging things for yourself so he had to be in charge at weekends? Maybe he simply has too much choice and free time!

Have you asked him if he would try counselling again- last chance etc?

I think you sound though as if you have already decided, and any suggestions on how to fix this are falling on deaf ears! You clearly are full of anger and frustration- can see why.

[Mouseface]

Amelia - minx's DS is having counselling because of his traumatic time in PICU as I understand it It's PTSD. I have been through the same trauma with my DS when he was only 6 months old.

I hope I got that right minx

[Mouseface]

Also, if minx's DH is team captain on his hockey team or in the first division, he will be selected to play a lot of games, as my DH was too!

Doesn't mean that he shouldn't say I can't play once in a while.

[minxthemanx]

DS1 is having counselling for Post Traumatic Stress, after being rushed to Gt Ormond St in a CAT ambulance, nearly dying and being in Intensive Care for 3 touch and go days. He is very aware of how bad things were. On the very rare occasion I have gone away for a night, DH has drafted his mother in to look after the kids. Am I being unreasonable here - he's away for 8 days on a jolly, missing all his kids' end of term stuff, then the first weekend back he's going to Lords and refuses to cancel it. This after several rounds of Relate counselling, and clear indications from me (including a letter i wrote him in January, explaining that if things didn't improve I would seek a divorce as I deserve to be happy.)

[minxthemanx]

"Too much free time" - in the summer term he works 7 days a week, from 7am, not getting home till 9pm at the weekends. So the kids virtually don't see him. The rest of the year he works 6 days a week.

[minxthemanx]

Mouse, DH is 52 and doesn;t play hockey. Used to umpire, now 'retired' (!) and is an Umpires Manager.

[DumSpiroSpero]

You know how much you can take minx and if you've reached your limits after all those warnings you have to do what is best for you.

Living on a roller coaster of constant disappointment and resentment is not much fun.

[minxthemanx]

Yup. Need to dig deep and find the strength to do the right thing. Bloody hell.

[DumSpiroSpero]

Yup. Need to dig deep and find the strength to do the right thing.

If you have any leftover - can you send it my way?

[Mouseface]

Ah, I see. Just as bad though no? Lots of time away from home required?

Sending you strength xx

[ShoutyHamster]

Good for you. Go for it.

He doesn't love you, by the way. Or his children, not the way he should. He's not a part of your family, his choice - and it's got to the stage where him pretending that he is is damaging your children. Poor souls.

Why do you say that he loves you? Because he says it? Well I'm sure he does. Sooo easy to say those three little words, means bugger all on its own. Ever heard the phrase 'Actions speak louder than words'?

It doesn't sound as if he has a clue what love means, unless it's referring to his love affair with his own selfish entitled ego.

Don't pay him the honour of saying that you know he loves you. He does not. And best of luck with forging ahead into a better life where your sons know where they stand. It sounds as if it will take time and determination but it will eventually be so, so much better for you all.