Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

well hopefully going past that entrance for a mere broken bone will lay those ghosts to rest eventually.
Can't believe his father quite honestly - but I suppose he has to justify his own view on life. Your husband knew exactly how ill he was, but chose to believe something different for his own convenience. Does DH say anything about that now?
How is MIL being?

minx glad he is acting like a proper dad but if he was capable of doing this, why wasn't he doing it for the last 10 years? Which is the real him???

I hope this is not the "little bit of nice" that mean people put on just to keep their partner on the hook, then revert when they think the partner will stay for another 10 years.

DH has now admitted that going to Barcelona was wrong. Only took 5 months to come to that conclusion. MIL has gone suspiciously quiet, hasn't rung or spoken to me since she visited last week and 'ordered' us out for a drink. I imagine she is very disappointed in me as DH is on a pedestal.

So really he has had back up from both PIL to carry on this behaviour and MIL has only paid lip service to how much you've put up with

I think your dh has a lot more admitting to.

I think it would be worthwhile to both relate/counselling again and see if his tune has changed compared to last time.........................

I'm really really so sad for you all, that he can behave differently and just hasn't all this time. It would almost be less painful if he just wasn't capable of being like this. Although I say this completely as an outsider looking in on the situation

His mother probably thinks that a brisk talking-to would have sorted things out, and now look how hard he is trying. Tis only natural as his mother.

Can a leopard change his spots - only time will tell really. He may find he is enjoying being a proper family member at last actually, and change. Or he may not be able to keep it up.

But you are right not to brush it all back under the carpet quickly and right to have things in place with the solicitor.

minx, now we know this bit you are even more right to keep on the path you have taken.

FiL has presumably done exactly what he wanted all his life, MiL has been a traditional and subservient wife and mum and they are going to disapprove of you because you beg to differ. Your DH has probably never had a role model for modern emotional intelligence as a result - hence the decision on Barcelona. It also sounds to me as though affection was probably hard to come by in his upbringing?

He is finding out now that doing it "the way Dad (and Mum) did" is not going to provide a sustainable, happy marriage.

It is going to be hellishly difficult for him to change, but the only incentive he has to do so is your determination and resolution.

Is BiL older or younger than DH? I only ask because the amount of affection given by stiff upper lip parents can differ quite a bit between each child.

Anyway, take all the support you can get in RL and on MN, and Keep Going!

Hi minx, that explains his lack of emotional intelligence, I am almost feeling sorry for the poor guy. I had a similar father, I remember to this day the moment I said NO to him. I was 15. Until then everybody in the family did what he said. He dominated all our lives for years after and my poor brothers have suffered too. One has a dominating wife who he tries endlessly to please, another has a string of failed relationships and control issues but the last one has been through the mill but come out on top and is caring and kind, a good Dad and partner. So there is hope.

Yes I feel sorry for him a lot of the time too. Talked to RL friend yesterday and SIL (on DH's side) who were both lovely and very supportive. SIL said she would have killed him years ago. But both hoping we can work things out as we have such a lovely family and don't want it to break up.

BUT am pissed off this morning. DH insisting on taking the boys to this bloody wedding from Fri-Sun. I have said this is too long, the DC have never been away from home without me, and I don't think DH has any idea how much hard work it will be. Have warned him of car sickness, wet beds, bickering, whingeing etc, but he won't budge. His reason is that he had planned to catch up with old friends/colleagues on the Friday (Aspergers here we go), and wants to carry on with this plan, with the boys. DS1, in particular, won't like it that I'm not there.

DH is also still saying that I should go to the wedding, it's not fair on the bride or her family, they think highly of me, he's come to my family do's when not convenient (once or twice!) blah blah blah.

So he's not really listenng to me again, is he. Or am I being unreasonable?

STick to your guns otherwise this will be a slipery slope.
Presumably it wasn't "convenient" for him to come to "your" events as it clashed with hockey...
How old are DCs? WHat is he planning on doing with them when he "catches up" with his friends?
Maybe you should just let him do it - otherwise you will back yourself into a corner if you try to dictate terms while not there.

Isn't it good he's having the children on his own?

Um, yes it's good that he's having them but he's not the most switched on and I'm not convinced he'll look after them properly. I know from experience that he'll get into conversation with friends/family and drift off into his own little world, taking no notice of the DC. I suppose I'm more worried than normal becuase of DS1's medical history this year - he's still on medication and I'm constantly watching him for headaches/dizziness.

And I'll miss them like hell, but I know that's part of this package and can't dictate on that.

I just wish he would take them for 1 night instead of 2.

They are 9 and 5, btw.

hmm well if DS need close monitoring which you feel he may not get...can you go but stay in the background maybe?

Please try not to cave in to his thinking. It is still "ME, I want to catch up with MY friends", and nothing to do with YOU.

Is there another relative/mum attending the wedding who could keep an eye open for DS1's medical needs?

After what you told us about his family background I don't think this is about Asperger's at all - it is about unlearned emotional responses. He doesn't know how to engage with either you or the DC because his parents never taught him to do that.

I don't think he "drifts off into his own little world" - he just assumes that someone/Mummy will do it all for him. You have stepped into that role, albeit completely inadvertently.

You are a "coper" and he has never learned how to cope.

minx, I think you have to let go just this once, as much as you will miss the DC. If necessary, give him written instructions on what to do. "Here is your fathering manual".

If you can manage to do that, find something lovely to do with your time, won't you?

"minx, I think you have to let go just this once, as much as you will miss the DC. If necessary, give him written instructions on what to do. "Here is your fathering manual".

Brilliant idea.

minx - I think it will do YOU some good for him to take the DC with him. Maybe then he'll get a taste of what it is you do each day whilst he's swanning off around the globe.

I do know how hard it is letting DS1 go away from you too. My DS was purposely 'paralised' following his emergency heart surgery. I was scared to death that he would die. He looked so very small in a huge bed, surrounded by so many life support machines. You will always have that intense feeling to protect him. It's so hard to let him be without you for a period of time.

I know it's going to be hard for you so why not get hold of some friends and arrange something to do locally? That way you are near to home?

Your DH is still behaving like a bit of a prat "MY friends" lets's just see how much time he gets with the boys in tow.

They will be fine. Without wanting to upset you minx, they are his DC too.

Sorry if that sounds harsh and I hope you know what I mean by that. They're not objects and he shouldn't be using them to get to you. Which he may well be doing by forcing the issue? Punishing you for not coming to the wedding?

Keep going, keep telling him loud and clear what you expect from him.

How are things in general? At home? Any more movement with the solicitor?

Huge hugs xx

Thanks mouse, good advice as usual. Yesterday I took the DC for day out in London with friends - DS1 and friends queued at London Dungeons for 2.5 hrs, then nearly 2 hrs to go round. So I had to entertain DS2 on very limited budget for 4 hrs - he was v v good, but it was bloody hard work and I had to carry him across millenium bridge.tower bridge etc cos of poorly foot. So I was physically knackered when we got home at 8. DH immediately took the boys upstairs and put thm to bed, and got me a Gin & Tonic. Without being asked. Still trying hard.

Minx - it is normal behaviour to make a G&T for a partner in that circumstance, or help with bedtime. It isn't courage above and beyond, just normal.

I am coming back here with some trepidation, as anyone not predicting a happy ending has been pilloried. I think a happy ending is possible, but it needs to be looked at realistically.

You started this thread 12 days ago. In that time he is starting to work hard at the marriage. This is a good thing. It will be really hard for him. If it was in his basic nature then he would not have gone to Barcelona. All credit to him for making this effort.

I read that for anything to become a habit it needs to be repeated for 28 days. I could be wrong on the timing, but it is about that. I think that is an underestimate for changing an entire married life's worth of acting and thinking.

He will slip up, that is human nature. How he reacts to those slip ups will tell you more than the slip ups themselves. I personally would forgive slips where he genuinely was sorry and apologises but would not tolerate any where he tried to shift the blame on to me or to make his problem my problem. How you deal with these is your call, but it may be worth thinking about it.

I think you need to look at this long term, seeing how his behaviour pans out over a few months. You are a kind person and not likely to insist on punitive reparations, you will not object to him having some life of his own. However I think it would be a good idea to set down the MINIMUM (see - shouting this, important point) that you will expect. You are not the sort to be too hard on him for the occasional slips, and I personally wouldn't. Do be aware that it is really hard for him not to slip back, and call him on it if it becomes too regular. He is in unknown territory.

If he does slip back completely to what he was and you separate, he will give you an itemised list of all he has done for you to 'prove' that you are unreasonable to separate. I would really, really suggest that you keep a journal of what happens. This is not to use as a weapon against him but as a tool to see how things are going, and whether any patterns emerge. However when he tells you how unreasonable you are you will have something that you can look at (not necessarily use) to check what really has been happening.

I also think it is extremely important that you work out what your minimum expectation is, and also get in touch with what is normal.

Good luck.

Excellent points re him slipping up and what he actually does about it wannabesybil

Mouseface - thank you, I really appreciate your comment as I am very nervous about posting on here. So many people know so much more, but I really feel for the OP and I worry that things could go badly for her, and the OP deserves so much.

I don't know if your DH has Aspergers or is just incredibly selfish - the end result is the same - he cannot empathise with you at all.

Emotions don't make sense to him but actions do.

You have told him for years that you were unhappy but stayed married to him - so to him, your actions spoke louder than your words(emotions) .

The actions of the doctors sending your DS home, meant to DH that your DS was not in danger and your emotions didn't count.

I suspect that he knows that his actions now are making you think that he has developed emotional intelligence and is finally able to empathise with you.
I doubt it.
However, wether he can empathise or not also doesn't matter because the end result will be the same - your life will be better as long as he can keep it up and not slip back into old ways.

p.s also wanted to say that letting him go to Lords after all may have been unwise - your actions may have led him to believe that you aren't really that unhappy about it.

Well, I still think he's a twat. Sorry OP.

No offence taken, I have spent years thinking he's a twat. But underneath it, buried down deep somewhere, is my husband. His behaviour in the last week has shown me that he is capable of doing the right things - the big question is how long he can keep it up. I'm not making any decisions either way for the moment - the paperwork is done at the solicitors, I now need time to see what happens.

Finally, the reason I told him to go to Lords was to make him face people who knew I'd asked for a separation. He didn't realise this, of course. I wanted him to have to field the difficult questions by his family, of what was going on between us.