Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

[kayah]

Don't let him bully yo uint any promisses - always say "I'll think about it"

good luck

[minxthemanx]

I know it's the right thing to do for my own sanity. Just a) scared and b) feel a bit sorry for him. I need the anger to kick back in.

[Saffysmum]

We can all advise you, but only you know the dynamics of your marriage. If you seriously want out then perhaps you can skip the Apprentice, and tell H "you're fired".

If you need more time, take it. Do what you want to do. This is the first step you need to take - not what's best for him, what's best for you. Take control, tell him when you want to. If you're absolutely sure that it can wait until tomorrow, because you don't want an evenings TV spoiled - that's fine. If you're making excuses, that's fine too. But you need to then examine those reasons, and have a good think before deciding what to do.

You're not happy, your doctor is aware of the stress you're under. His family wonder why you put up with him. You can't rely on him. So we can all understand how you feel.

This is the crux: Would you be braver to finish to it, or braver to stay?

[minxthemanx]

oh def braver to finish. Have been struggling along for the sakeof the DC for too long. Poor bloke, he has no idea this is coming. Thank you so much for all your support today, you've helped me get through one of the most difficult days - tho it pales into insignificance compared with DS in Intensive Care. I survived that, I can survive this.

[ameliagrey]

Perhaps you need to explore a) what scared means to you- why. of what? and b) why you feel sorry for him?

MY take on it is that you are NOT despite what you say, sure this is what you want. Your logical brain is saying it's what he deserves, but I am not convinced your marriage is truly dead in the water.
Are you? If you are, then end it- in your own time. If you are saying that you still care about him and his feelings then maybe there is more scope to patch it up than you are admitting.

[kayah]

What may help you is to write down quickly what you wnt to say to him.
Then you can delete it or send it to yourself in an email.

[Saffysmum]

minx - I know what you mean about it paling into insignificance when comparing it to your DS being so ill - that was horrendous for you. I lost my sis to cancer shortly before I finished with ex. That too, made finishing with him easier to cope with. However, part of the reason why I had had enough, was his lack of support and care towards me when we were losing/lost her. I realised then that he wasn't there for me. So, I think I agree with Amelia, that perhaps part of you has doubts. For me, there was a breaking point, a line to be crossed, if you like. It involved my daughter. Once that line was crossed, wild horses would not have persuaded me to have him in the house, in the hope that we could work things out for a minute longer. Perhaps you haven't reached that stage yet.

If so, take your time. There is no harm though in getting legal advice now, so that when and if he crosses that line, you're ready.

[Terraviva]

Thinking of you tonight minx, whatever you decide to do and whenever you decide to do it.

And you are NOT pathetic to be so scared. Dealing with stressful situations at work is a completely different thing to ending your marriage.

Wiser women than me have given you some great advice on how to deal with him tonight. There's nothing I can add, other than know that we're all behind you :)

[Mouseface]

You CAN do this minx.

Of course you feel sorry for him. You've been together in one way or another for 12 years.

He's always rejected your attempts to end things before now because he may well love you. Funny way to show it, I know but stranger things have happened. And let's face it, he has a good life with you.

Good luck my sweets, be thinking of you.

Do what you feel in your head and heart is best for you. Only you know what will happen tonight.

Take care x

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Thinking of you this morning, Minx. Did you manage to talk to him yesterday?

I bet that once he finally gets that you're serious, he'll do the contrite 'I acknowledge I've been a bit selfish, but surely for the sake of the boys...' thing.

[minxthemanx]

Morning girls, well it went pretty much the way I expected. Total denial, long spiel about all the things he has 'turned down' etc etc. Refuses to accept this is happening - he wants to work at it. What does he think I've been doing for the last god knows how long! He feels we can mend this, still be a happy family. I've told him I'm seeing solicitor this afternoon (if I can get an appointment ).

Think I'm in for a long, gruelling evening tonight - round 2.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Well done for talking to him. Yes, I imagine you are, but you've had these talks a million times, so try and think of this as just once more. Clearly, if he thinks he's already given up loads for you, he's not going to be eager to "give up" even more, is he? And the fact that he regards it as a personal sacrifice to spend time with his son, who almost died, is pretty much all you need to know.

The thing is, you don't actually need to convince him that you're right, you just need to convince yourself. A marriage breakup doesn't require consensus.

[minxthemanx]

Thanks. Now have to find the energy for work! Not looking forward to this evening but at least the intitial worst bit is over.

[kayah]

Good luck today.

Do what's best for you :)

[Katisha]

I'm glad you talked to him. I would have been surprised if it had gone any differently.
You may not be able to see a solicitor today, but certainly get a concrete appointment made as this will make it real, both for you and for him.
I would also second telling someone in RL that you have talked to him, as mentioned before in the thread, for the same reasons. It can't just be brushed back under the carpet now.

[Mouseface]

minx - well done for starting the process of drilling it home to him that THIS PART OF HIS LIFE IS OVER.

The best thing that you can do now is start the process of separating yourself from him.

Sleep in a different room, stop looking after him, stop cooking and shopping for him.

Drawer up a list of all the things that you USED TO DO FOR HIM and give it to him tonight. Keep a copy for yourself so you don't start re-doing stuff out of habit!

Speak to a solicitor and to the CAB. Toady, during your lunch hour.

You have to show him you are deadly serious with actions now, not words.

He won't listen, you knew he wouldn't so now it's time for you to show him, with bells and whistles, that this is going to happen.

You HAVE worked your arse off at this relationship for YEARS. You're not doing this on a whim, this isn't a mid-life crisis, this is you ending a relationship with your cock lodger.

I'm not even sure it's fair to say that, so apologies is that was out of order as you don't mention the physical side of the marriage, but I hope you understand what I meant by that.

You are doing so well to have spoken to him last night, it would've been easier to welcome him home, smiling and waving, tits and teeth and go to bed, forgetting about it all.

How was that BTW? Did he question why you slept in DS's bed? Was he even bothered that after being away from home for 8 days, you slept apart?

If not then I think you have all of the reasons you need to press on with this.

Be brave. You will be fine. Talk to you family and friends, colleagues. Once you do, once you hear yourself saying this out loud to others, you will start to feel empowered by your own decision, this is all up to you now. You can take control, you can be strong and move this forward.

It's time to end this relationship, end these wasted years and start a fresh. xx

[Terraviva]

Well done Minx! As the others have said, it's all about actions now. Telling other people in RL will help make it real for him.

The thing is, you don't actually need to convince him that you're right, you just need to convince yourself. A marriage breakup doesn't require consensus.
Hear hear :)

Good luck at the solicitor's, I hope you get useful advice and support.

You are still in my thoughts. Tough times ahead, but you & your DC will get through it to a better future. x

[minxthemanx]

Feel equally crap today, of course, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, etc etc. Is he really bad, am I really that unhappy, no more nice family holidays and days out, but then again no more of his crappy decisions either. Got solicitor appointment Wednesday, dreading tonight again as I expect he will have spent the day thinking of things to convince me we should keep going. Holiday place said I will lose 50% if we cancel. Don't know what to do about anything, am so tired.

[minxthemanx]

Not helped by DS1 feeling rough at school today with bad headache and dizziness - with his history a 'headache' makes me go cold even though it's prob just a headache - he felt rough, I felt rough and wondered what am I doing to us?

[Mouseface]

minx - calm down sweets.

Get a cuppa and make a list of what you want to happen.

You need to separate yourself physically from him. Distance is key here to show him you really mean it, assuming that you do.

I know it's hard for you and you feel guilty about changing your lives but it will be for the best. For you and the DC at the very least.

Slow down.

You're not 'doing' anything to 'us'.

If you are worried about DS, take him as a priority to the local children's ward. Do you have open access to any hospitals?

Or try the GP.

Breathe.

Move your things out of the bedroom. Separate yourself.

Concentrate on DS and yourself right now.

Can you call someone to talk this thought with sweetheart? xx

[RandomMess]

Take care of yourself, you can't limp along like this for the next decade. Splitting up is excrutiating painful, the peace and relief come further along the road.

Please try find some RL friends to support you.

Tell his Mum, don't get into long discussions with him it changes nothing. Remind him like a stuck record "you've said all this before yet nothing has changed I am not prepared for the dc and I to come last on your list any longer" or something to that affect.

[ameliagrey]

minx do what feels right for you. Maybe before you make a decision you should have some counselling for yourself if you aren't already?

MN is great but at times- and I have been in this place- the cheer leading pushes you in a certain direction as others see as the right course.

BUT we aren't you. Only you know what is right for you.

If you are having doubts over whether you want to take this step, then maybe you need to step back and re-consider?

There is a certain irony which I am sure you can see, between complaining at DH's lack of time for your kids, then making a choice which will mean they will see less of him.

I do see what you are saying, but part of me finds it hard to understand how 2 adults who both love theri kids cannot come to some agreement over how much time is spent as a family, and how much time each of you has to do your own thing.

I think you should take some time out, away from MN which is not the same as talking to someone in RL. get a dose of RL conversation with your family and friends.

Don't force yourself to do something just because a group of virtual strangers are egging you on, if it doesn't feel right.

[Mouseface]

Erm, no one is 'egging her on'. AFAIK, minx has said more than once that the marriage is over, she's had enough and told HIM too on various occasions.

Posters here are just trying to be supportive amelia as are you, I'm sure.

[Eglu]

I've just come across this thread minx and I wanted to say I think anyone who makes the difficult decision to end a marriage is very brave. It is the easier option to stay and be miserable.