Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

I notice things I never did before, and I talk more to people - at the supermarket, etc. I stopped doing this when I was with Twunt, I was just so absorbed in our private hell of a marriage, other people were just background noise, if you see what I mean. Couldn't have put it better myself, exactly my own experience too.

Take courage from this drfay and B&A. It's true.

DrFayRay... I've read your whole thread from start to finish this afternoon; it made me smile and tear up in equal measure. You're so awesomely in control and you really need to give yourself credit or that.

I don't have any wise words about your break up but I wanted to post on a couple of points that you've made:

Your FCK in the 'arms of his family' - so he may be and undoubtedly they will be supportive of him but they know him also and will have the measure of him and, in spite of any lies and omissions he chooses to give them, they will know, deep down, what is and isn't true. Thinking of it, if they have any decency or character themselves, they will discard the wishfulness from his stories; and if they don't - well, you've not lost anything at all.

Your DD and your DS - I'm not sure how old they are but I suspect that they're around the same age I was when my parents divorced. I was 15 when the rows became impossible and 17 when the deed was done. Different circumstances but still upsetting and a relief at the same time. However many wobbles your lovely children have, whatever they're going through, they know that however feckless and distracted their father is, they will always have YOU - leading, guiding and supporting them in whatever directions they take. That's a heck of a strong place for them to be.

Lastly, I can't imagine that there won't be a queue of men waiting to take you out. Your humour shines out like an absolute beacon and whilst your FCK has had all the balls in his court regarding mucking up your marriage in the first place, he has absolutely no control of your life hereon in and I think he's going to be regretful at what he has carelessly and recklessly thrown away and lost for good. I hope it hits him good and hard - like a fish, frozen solid, right between the eyes...

Very well done, DrFayRay, you've landed yourself a fabulous job, well deserved, and your family is doing splendidly without the appendage. Onwards and upwards! :)

Witchy what a lovely gift you've given drfay. You're so right. FCK may fool some, but not those who know him, these are the least blinkered of them all no matter how welcoming hearth and home is.

And yes, there will be a long, winding queue of eager beau's. Why would'nt there be?

Witchy in the Wardrobe, thank you. I really appreciate you reading the whole thread and of course, your comments.

Yes, Wisey, that is indeed a lovely gift; just one of the many I have received here.

The weekend is almost over here; it is Sunday night. I have had a hard week all up. Work is hard, but good hard, you know? DC have been marvellous (DS is nearly 16 and DD is 13) and very helpful. I found myself quite exhausted and listened to my body and rested. DS went to a party and stayed overnight on Sat. DD and I had a cosy time watching dvds. Today, I did the food shop so really organised and prepared for the week. That helps me so much. When I return exhausted, I know that I have all the ingredients for a good dinner.

My friend T visited me on Sat arvo; she has been through the same shite. She told me that she would be more than happy to help box up Fecker's things and send them to his girlfriend's house. She told me to get in control and get a move on. She said I am a fool if I think he is going to be cooperative and helpful. He has been a dick for nearly two years...gawd...that sounds so long but yeah..that is right.. but no, actually very .

I have to pull my finger out...I have to be sorted. I must.

MIL rang me on Friday night too. She said that she hardly got a chance to chat to fecker. She said he seemed unwell and sad and was very quiet. Their camping trip was so-so..MIL didn't seem too impressed. She said she tried to talk to Fecker but hard. But what got me rather cross was that Fecker had talked to them about OW and her children. That made me steam up, I can tell you. But not upset...just hey bastard, what about your own children??

I am feeling happier though, smiling again and yeah, talking to randoms. Haha..stealing a word from DC.

I am also considering moving from this rental when the lease is up in March. Hopefully the house down south will be sold and I will have some money. This house is expensive to rent and really I would prefer to be nearer the train station. Both DC's schools are near stations and it would make sense. Also a smaller house. There is a pool here which is nice in the hot summers in Bris BUT as DD said we do not really use it much anymore so..why pay the premium for that? DD said it would be nice to have a fresh start. I am thinking the same way. Cheaper rent too. I would like to move across the river and use this as an opportunity to cull all the crap we have. Most of it thanks to that fecking bastard. A small cottage, near the train station, in a nice suburb and with my DCs and dog. Doesn't that sound good? No, it sounds divine!

Thanks you lovely people for posting such supportive words. I really depend on this thread you know...

now that sounds like a great plan! A new place that is all yours and only yours... and a great deadline to get rid of all his stuff...

And you mate sounds ace too.

Witchy's post is very lovely. I do love it when you peep at a thread and there is a post that speaks volumes to you and echoes what's in your head and heart.

DrFay it sounds like you've had a positive weekend which is great. I love the way you are so systematic and organised. It is very inspiring you know.

So yesterday I found homes for more of my precious possessions, including my KNITTING. I?d started knitting the DSDs some very fancy mittens a while back (Vogue Knitting patterns, just gorgeous) so I shall pick up where I left off when my OLD life started going tits up. I don?t revenge knit as knitting is something I do when I?m feeling buoyant, so maybe the progress of the mittens will be my recovery barometer.

Your RL friend sounds fab and I agree, two years is quite long enough to spend enduring ABCKF?s games. It?s your turn to drive now.

As for your cottage, how lovely that plan sounds. I can vouch for your plan as I feel that?s what I?ve done with my little flat. I have made it mine. I have made it MY home and that?s a nice feeling.

Have a wonderful week DrFay, I?m off to make some muffins or cup cakes. Not sure yet.

xx

Thank you lovely people for posting.

Well the days are chugging along. Going well enough I guess. I have been working very hard on finding silver linings and it is amazing how you can find those Ag scraps if you look hard (and sometimes through an electron microscope cos they are very very tiny...

ABCKF rang the other day and I had a brief and civil chat. He is returning on the 4th to take the kids out. I said we need to sort some things out. He said yes yes..and that he could talk on the 4th. I did say that if he was coming in the arvo AND taking DC out then would be very small window..he said well I can do it another time. I said REALLY? He said irritably of course I said I was...I just said hmmmmm...and left it. He also asked if I had enough money to pay the bills. Er yes...,I manage the money better thank you!

Now Sept 4 is Father's Day here in Australia. I know this might seem petty but I am not going to organise the kids. They are both old enough and have money and access to shops. When it was Mother's Day here (in May) he did not do a thing. But both darling DC did. Now usually BKK (Before Kayaking Kunt) we would both go to a lot of trouble for those sorts of things. See in my opinion, he has been a shit father. Running away without saying goodbye when he went to the Uk, etc etc so I would be lying to myself if I did anything. It goes against my courteous nature but it is up to the DC. There have been enough lies here. Enough already.

The thought of moving next year is very enticing. DS not so keen but he gets it. DD is very keen. Fresh start mum...as she keeps saying.

Work is going very well. It is hard but interesting and I am very thankful for the job.

I seem to be coping on my own; dealing with all the various problems that come up. I am feeling stronger and certainly happier. No crying at all for a long while actually. Eyes have settled down to normal size. Now using less eyeshadow !

I hope other women going through what I am but not posting are doing well.

It is a hard road but hey, we can do it.

A quote from one of my all time favourite books: The Grapes of Wrath..

Ma Joad: Well, Pa, a woman can change better'n a man. A man lives sorta - well, in jerks. Baby's born or somebody dies, and that's a jerk. He gets a farm or loses it, and that's a jerk. With a woman, it's all in one flow, like a stream - little eddies and waterfalls - but the river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way.

Very true.

Hi, DrFay! It is a very hard road! I am remembering something new every day about my beloved ex and how he tried to fool me. He was leading a double life and I was existing on a half-life, walking on eggshells! It's very silly but I miss him so much - nearly two years on!

Stay strong! Enjoy your new life and your beloved children! You are an inspiration! Best wishes

Ahh, the famous MN electron microscope!! I know it well.

It is strange how the crying subsides. Then it fucking comes back! Then it goes again but it always comes back a little weakened, like a weed that you're perservering with getting rid of.

As you know I've just come through TWO whole weeks of leaky eyes so I need to buy a new mascara.

I love the quote. I've never read the Grapes of Wrath but that is now on my list of things to do.

Love Steinbeck - loved Grapes, really loved Of Mice & Men.

Gonna paraphrase my favourite quote for you to store up and post on here in future DrFay:

'Reader, I divorced him.'

x

OMG Saffy, I thought of the original sentence today, in passing..as in sigh..reader I married him..

Spooky! Really spooky....Twilight Zone muzak

DrFay - just read all your posts - what an amazing woman you are. I really take my hat off to you as you have behaved so decently. I have been in a similar situation myself (and didn't behave so well as you) and understand completely about finding yourself dealing with another person entirely than the one you were married to.

Your lovely DCs sound amazing and a credit to you.

You have achieved something amazing despite being put in the worst of circumstance, you really can hold your head high.

My very best wishes to you x

Hi DrFay,
you really are sounding so strong & positive at the moment, I am so pleased for you ...and you don't know how much you have helped me (& the other lurkers). You are so funny & clever ( I dont think I can even remember Of Mice & Men ... & I did read it I promise).
I like the sound of a new house, it will really give you something to focus on & feel like yours & DCs own place without (what is he now) BKK influence.
Seriously though, all respect to all of you - Dr Fay,Wisey, B&A, Dozer, Saff,Coconuts to name but a few you have all brought a little knowledge,wisdom,humour & strength into my life at a very dark time and I salute you all.... & I would put an icon here but dont know how to do it!!!!!

Pinky, thank you...very very kind wishes and I do appreciate them.

Owley! Ah thanks for that post. I am glad that I can be of some use. I know that well before I started this thread, I was lurking on many here in Relationships. And did not have the courage or strength really, come to think of it, to post. But reading sure helped me. Until I felt strong enough to write here.

The days are slipping into each other. It is now the first of September, the start of spring here in the southern hemisphere..(yeah I know, bonkers! Lots of daffs and jonquils in the shops to remind me how weird it is to have spring when really it should be autumn!) and it is a beautiful day in Brisbane.

I am thinking how quickly the year has gone by and how bloody the past few months have been. If I try, I cannot really recall some of the months..I was in a state of pain..so much pain. Now I still feel shock (and I think I always will, you know) but I also feel lighter and happier. I know I am in control of my future now. I can do what I want when I want (always with the consideration of beloved DC of course) and boy! that is bliss indeed.

This Friday I will be alone for the most of the evening as DD is going for a sleepover and DS is playing indoor football and then going to see a match at the stadium with his friends. I was feeling a bit sad thinking about that but then told my good self to get a grip! I will treat myself to a Thai takeaway and watch a film that no one wants to see with me (something with heaving bosoms and bonnets) and just enjoy my own company. I can be fun, you know...!

Well, I should get back to work really so here is wishing everyone who reads this strength and happiness. There is a lot to be thankful for; remember...seek out silver linings, they are there, just sometimes gotta really look hard for them..miniscule fragments maybe...but there nonetheless.

I should be called Rambling Rose for I do gas on so...

drfay gas on as much as you like, that's what we're here for.

I don't know if you were lurking on my original thread and the one that followed, but I can remember Fridays, Saturday evenings and Bank Holidays were fucking awful - I'd post on and on about my misery, fear and panic of just about everything.

But I don't any more. At some point soon you'll notice nice looking guys looking a nice looking woman (you) and you'll feel a little thrill of anticipation of what you're now free to do if you wish. Since you have so much going on and haven't disintegrated without ABCKF I think that's fine - just a nice little distraction for a while, one to muse about in your quiet and contented moments which are peeking around the corner and beckoning you forward.

Proud of you.

Hi DrFay,
just checking in as know ABCKF is going to be back shortly & that rollercoaster might be off again! We're here if you need us!
I have had to pass on seeing STBXH as cant face dealing with possessions on his terms, only on mine & I dont want to see him at present. I keep building little shite piles for collection occasionally.
I will be thinking of you.....

Owly you have no idea how much your thinking of me means.

I am feeling very sad today.

ABCKF came back yesterday. But before that....

My dear friend T. rang me up Sunday morning to invite me over but I declined saying house was in a terrible state and I HAD to do something about it. T invited herself over to help me. She brought her homestay H. (Homestay is where you put up an international student in your home for a reasonable price.) H. is German and in Year 10 and also goes to DS's school. She loves cleaning . They cleaned and tidied my house for 4 hours. I am welling up thinking of T's kindness. Things have been out of hand in the house. I am struggling. They cleaned the kitchen, one of the fridges (absolutely filthy), sorted my linen cupboard, tidied the verandah/teen pad, sorted DS's room, did my bedroom and T. walked around with me and helped to write a list of things to do. A lot of fecker's things are here. And things from 24 years of marriage. Things I realise that I do not want anymore. The best bit was that DC also cleaned their rooms (terrible state). They helped me to put out all the old toys that I am passing to a friend who is going to give them to Child Services for children who have nothing.

I am very lucky to have such wonderful women in my life.

So ABCKF came, just as T and H were leaving. T greeted him but he just glanced away. Our families have been friends for about 7 years. But I have to say he didn't just open the door; he knocked.

He brought heaps of presents for the children. Expensive things. Sigh. Then we had some words. You know...I wish I could be calm and collected...but reader, I hurt too much. He was very calm, collected and actually was reasonable. He claimed that he did not take me of the credit card. And that he wants to see the kids very regularly. He is planning to take them on Sat evening and bring them back Sun evening. He has his unit in the GC now.

And that yes, he will pay maintenance and that he thinks I should be able to stay in this house as I cannot afford it at the moment on my income. He earns double my income. He is also coming this Sat to clear his stuff.

He has just moved away...detached himself a long time ago.

When he left to take the kids to dinner, I had a BIG cry. Then rang a friend and she was very kind to me. I then cooked myself a nice dinner and ate it whilst watching the Vicar of Dibley the one where she jumps into the puddle and it turns into a hole...very amusing. Then they all came back and had had a nice dinner. Now they went to a fancy place nearby that I had talked to the DC about trying. Dear DARLING DS said oh mum, it wasn't that fancy...really, you did not miss much. DD muttered but it WAS nice...but did not say anything out loud. When he had left and I was sorting washing downstairs in the laundry room, DD came down and gave me a long hard hug and kissed me repeatedly. She said that I was doing very well.

I do not think so. I am so so sad. How can he just chuck away 24 nearly 25 years like it doesn't matter.

I am at work now. And feel really down. I have to go to the dentist this evening...I HATE going and my teeth are showing that fear. But this is part of my taking care of myself plan.

I am also looking at spa treatments as a treat. I need some pampering. There is a korean bathhouse here which does fab treatments. I think that is a good idea.

I am going to take it easy this week. Just work; the schedule here is just a lot of reading and writing a background report. Interesting work. Food for the week is sorted. House is clean thanks to T. and I need to keep on top of the laundry. I am planning to read a lot and do some knitting as I have put that to one side recently.

I am trying to find those silver linings, MN friends...but it is hard today.

You've been doing so well drfayray but you will have days when you slip back. Hope tomorrow's a better day for you.

Hi Dr Fay,

I am so sorry you are feeling sad today. I just wanted to pass some MN hugs down the phone lines rather than just lurk. A pamper is an excellent idea. Mrs Swalloxs has a fish pedicure last week. Weird but good, in a funny way. At least the fish were full up! .

More MN hugs, Betty.

Hi DrFay, I wanted to post now just in case you saw this before you went to sleep. I think it?s about 11pm your time.

I am so sorry you?re having a bad time right now and I think of you so often during the day. Do you know I was with an RL friend yesterday and chatting about you as though we had been friends since school!

There is not much to say that you don?t already know really but I am here and I?m thinking of you (((hugs))).

Sometimes when you are feeling this blue you could have the biggest silver ingot in front of you and you won?t be able to see it for what it is because the sort of sadness you are feeling blinds you to the good stuff around you that you know in your heart of hearts is there.

It is brilliant that T came over and helped you with sorting out not just your house, but a little bit more from the sound of it. Remember, you have good friends like T because you are a good friend in return; friendships like that are a two-way street, so you deserve her friendship DrFay, don?t forget that.

One of the saddest things that comes out of a break-up is the shifting sands of relationships that you (and the rest of us) are experiencing; it?s sad because it?s yet another change that we have to face, when we are emotionally drained and just want some peace and continuity. The silver lining here is that, for the most part, the sands end up shifting in our directions. So far for me, everyone is disgusted with what TCH has done, and their support for me is stalwart; I cannot tell you what than means. I have not put a gun to anyone?s head and said: ?you choose, TCH or me? but they are all unstinting in their support. I also think that TCH is ashamed, to a certain extent, and wants to start afresh, without having to face his deeds when he meets up with our friends. He did this when he got together with me. He did not bring one friend to our relationship but left them all behind. Thinking about it, that is a clue to the sort of character to avoid, isn?t it?

Stay strong DrFay, even when ABCKF is saying the ?right? things (as far as he can right now). It must be hard watching him expunge his guilt towards the DCs by spending lots of money on them especially when it?s not something that you in a position to readily do. It?s really so unfair.

On Saturday when ABCKF comes to take his stuff away, will you be able to go out or do you want to be there? It is going to be very hard to watch him sort stuff and take it all away, you know. I am afraid that this may weigh down on you this week so perhaps you could book something nice to do on Sunday? I know that for me, during the week leading up to me leaving the house once and for all (when my nephew helped me) I was very emotional and felt very burdened but afterwards I felt like a great weight had lifted from my shoulders.

You have already stated the bald truth yourself though, ABCKF left a long time ago, in reality. Sorry if that?s hard to read. Saturday will just be the things that represent him that go and maybe they?re the hardest things to let go of, because they represent a snapshot in time from when things were good between you. I know that my H loved me with all his heart once and I shall never forget that. I don?t know if you?re there yet but I HAVE stopped questioning the whole of our 15 years together. I?ve drawn a line in the sand and for me, the point in time when he started detaching was around January 2010. I can cope with that, I don?t like it but it means that anything before then was mine, the memories before then belong to me and I want to keep them sweet.

As for chucking away all of those years and all of those accomplishments built together (including DCs and PHDs) it is a waste. I have an MSc and I am honestly not sure I would have achieved that without H around. All of our friends just shake their heads and say: ?what a waste?. I can come out with platitudes but I won?t. You?re smart enough to know them and reinforce them yourself. It is a fucking waste but it is what it is and you are so gorgeous and funny and will not let yourself and your DCs go to waste. Remember that.

As for a spa treatment, I think that?s a great idea. I did a spa afternoon in the early days. When the aromatherapist got me to choose the essential oils to suit my mood, I started crying and did not stop but I loved the treatment nonetheless. In fact I?m thinking about going for another session soon. Saff said something so wonderful to me ages ago: ?treat yourself as you would your best friend?. I think that?s so beautiful and such good advice, so you should do that too DrFay.

Good luck at the dentist and know that I am thinking of you so often. You are very real and very dear to me, you know. Take care DrFay and don?t look for silver linings today. Sometimes the effort is too gruelling. Eat chocolate, cake and ice cream and get through Saturday my love.

xxx

Oh B&A, such a kind and honest post - I was moved to tears.
I feel for you SO much DrFaY, I feel your pain,believe me. It is SO sad and such a waste. The grass isn't greener, they won't get or stay any younger and all the heartache they cause to so many people in the extended family.
I too think of you as if I know you, I care about how you feel and I know also that you can dig deep and be strong this week (for my own reasons I must also be extra strong this week). Good Luck & I'm thinking of you!

just letting you that I am still here, still reading and still egging you on. You are doing really well!

I am moved to tears here. Thank you all for your very kind posts.

Longtime, thank you for reading and yes today is def. better .
Betty Swalloxs (your name makes me laugh EVERY time I read it!) thank you for your post.
B&A...you know how I feel. Thank you. That sounds so trite for what you have written.
Owly, you are right..it is so sad but I can and must move on. I do think about you too, and hope that you are doing as well as you can.
Coco, thanks..for reading and the egg.. much appreciated.

I feel so much better today. The visit to the dentist was not so bad. Sure, I have a lot of work to be done. Yes, it is going to be expensive. BUT this is part of my plan to look after myself. I am 49 and still have a lot of good years ahead. Although sometimes I do wish it would all end but those times I have those thoughts are very few and far between.

The visit to the dentist was really good in that I learnt that when you face up to your fears, the dragon that you thought roared fire, turns into a little ickle lizard that scurries away..afeared of you! (see you can teach an old bitch new tricks...! Ha! I kill myself!). He did not judge me. And was very kind. And umm rather dishy? Anyhoo, I have been grinding my teeth with the stress and I told him that I was going through a marriage breakdown. And yeah, I made a couple of jokes, as is my way...and he said I was amazing that I could still be cheerful in the midst of adversity (and crap teeth!).

I have been using FB to share some of my feelings. And I have had a lot of lovely support from my friends that are not in Bris. That bucks me up no end.

And so today. It is a lovely spring day (some might think it summer really as it is 24 C) in Brisbane. I had a good sleep. I sorted out 10 baskets (for the love of god, children, put your washing in the laundry regularly!!) of clean clothes which were a result of the tidy up session on Sunday. I am trying to keep on top of household chores. That way I am in control. I am looking smart. Have a huge camellia brooch on my black cardigan , which matches my cream silk top and my giant pearl bracelet. I feel professional..uh drfayray..you are!

I intend to have a great day at work. I have a lot of things to sort out and it should be relaxing but busy and hopefully productive.

To those of you who are reading but not commenting, who are in the same boat, NOT the Love Boat (..sorry!) but a lifeboat that needs a lot of elbow grease to row away from the abandoned Love Boat...- best stop before I sink myself in those metaphors... I hope my posts help. They certainly help me when such lovely lovely MNers post and share their own experiences.

Ahh, my good friend, you are in such a better head space than even a month ago. As we kept telling you (and the lovely ladies here have said) the good days will start to outweigh the bad.

You are so much more positive in your outlook.

I can just imagine the size of the camellia brooch

You sound like you're a bit more together today, DrFay. That's good and pretty darned impressive considering how bleak you were yesterday.

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily
Life is but a dream