Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Hi DrFay
Sorry to hear you've had a couple of wobbles... I too have been wobbling. It is as you said dear friend, the thought that the person you shared everything with for 25 years could stab you in the back without thought (I too have also been stabbed this week).
Please remember the only person ABCKF is thinking about is himself, I know this to be true and that's what truly crucifies me. The girls are right in what they say, hatred long term is not a good thing but at the moment you have to feel it to stay strong I think.
Please look after yourself DrFay, you are a special person and you must not put too high demands on yourself. You need to take care of yourself, eat,sleep,exercise. Take time for yourself.
I'm with you on the celibacy thing though, too many people telling me you'll get through it and there'll be another man... WTF, i wouldn't trust another one of those as far as I could throw them (at the moment).
Please look after yourself x

Hi Stephen

Steve here (well, just for this week )...

One of the things I turned up post Discovery was dozens of receipts for lunch, cakes and coffee and the odd ones for dinner. H is traditional and when he wooed OW he paid. That means I paid for 50% of each and every one of those trysts. How very fortunate of me. By my reckoning he spent a good £1,000 on their fun during the 9 months it took me to twig. That?s without including their weekend at dream home, where he would have paid for everything. So, yeah, about £1,500 if you ask me. He claims never to have bought her a gift, Christmas or otherwise, but I don?t believe that.

So DrFay, whatever you do feel, don?t feel guilty. ABCKF will be putting himself first. At the moment that equates to doing nice things for KK but only as it makes him feel good. He is not putting you or your DCs first. Sorry but that?s the bald truth of it.

I?m going to listen to you and chill a bit. So will you do the same please?

Owly, sorry you're wobbling right now. Are we all synched in some way? Is this a lunar connection? When the tide goes out do we wobble over our twunts or something?

Take care of yourselves. xx

Hey checking in after a fairly hectic week.

I think hatred bad, anger good. Anger is the stage we get to apparently when we are truly grieving the loss.

And don't trust ABCDKF at all, keep the sol in the loop about everything, that way she's always at least as far ahead in the game as he is (if not further).

And DO chill, make sure you laugh, don't worry about being Stephen, I promise you you'll want to be Stephanie when the time (and the bloke) is right!

Stephanie - LOL

Had a shit weekend. A SHIT weekend.

I am just such a stupid person. The past week was very hard what with seeing fecking bastard last weekend. Well he texted to say he wanted to come round on Sat to discuss the house sale and some other stuff.

I hate having him around. I hate it. I hate seeing him, reminding me of how everything has gone tits up. Anyway, I had to get up earlyish as the dishwash guy was coming and DS had to go to some party. ABCKF took him to the party.

I was/am feeling quite distraught. It is all catching up with me. Anyway, long story short; I cried. I cried and cried. The house sale part is going well. It seems that the price will be higher than anticipated so hopefully more money. But see I cannot understand still how he can just throw away 25 years. Just like that.

So I went and had a sleep and he cleared out his stuff. The room is completely clear and a lot of crap has been piled outside (planning to get a skip). So he leaves. I have to take DS to his rock climbing party and then DD and I have some takeaway. Then I go get DS and we buy some Maccas icecream as a treat. Unfortunately, DS is being silly and drops it and blames DD and I just lose it. COMPLETELY.

Major meltdown. And poor DD, she just breaks down. I am so ashamed of myself. She says that I have to move on. I have to just stop thinking about him. And that she is tired of telling me that I have to do this. She cries. I cry. Vale of tears. I just cuddle her hard. She is such a wonderful wonderful girl. DS sulks and we leave him and go downstairs to my bedroom. We have a lovely cuddle and chat. God I love her (and DS) so much. And I just cannot understand how the bastard can do this to his children.

I told the fecking bastard that I cannot cope seeing him and that it is just too much. So hopefully, I will not see him again. He is coming to get DD on WEd to take her to the GC (kids on hols) but he will come in the day and I will be at work.

So this morning, DS leaves for the airport (fecker takes him but I just stay inside the house and say goodbye there) and go back to bed. DD and i have a long lie in and then get up and have brekkie together. It is lovely. Then we go to the shops and have a wonderful time together. Cooked a nice meal and watched a silly teen flick together. Now she has gone to bed and I am getting ready for it myself.

It has been an awful weekend.Awful. I thought I was getting over all this. I am not. It feels like I am back to square one. Everything is too hard for me.

I have a very busy week ahead. I am scared I am going to fuck up this job and I just cannot. I need it.

Next Sat when I am alone, i am going to go for a 3 hour long massage. Something like that might help me. I am also hoping to get my tax rebate soon as I need to book tickets back to Singapore.

I miss my son. And I will miss my daughter when she goes away on WEd. I am not looking forward to being alone from Wed to Mon. No I am not.

Oh DrFay, sorry to hear about you're bad weekend. Of course you're not over it, 24 years is a VERY long time.
I'm definitely all in favour of B&A's no contact rule. It has worked for me so far... but then again I'm not as far down the line with the shitey shite piles and the house sale, so surrounded by a load of memories still that I dont have the inclination or energy to get rid of.
The less you see of the fecker the easier it is to be strong. Do not feel bad about you're crying with the DS - I think it is good for them to see that you are so upset, at least it shows you're not an emotional void.
Be strong, DrFay. You can do it.
xxxx

So so sorry DrFay that you've had such a shit weekend. Keep one thing in your mind as you go through this pain: it is all part of the process to get to a better place.

It's easy for us all to tell you to do this and do that but we do all deal with things in different ways. I use my bleak times to analyse, reflect, process and then emerge with new information about myself. Even if it's just one little fact that I finally twig I see it as progress. Then I bore you all with my contemplations but I find that a crucial part of the process too.

This weekend I came up with a metaphor for these bleak times - the chrysalis of infidelity. Each time that I curl up in my chrysalis I subsequently emerge a better butterfly than I was before; more beautiful inside with good strong wings that are starting to dazzle people around me. I see these times in the chrysalis as totally crucial to the journey we're on.

Ooh, I hope that's not too naff!

You're right to keep ABCKF away my lovely DrFay. Seeing him will cut you in two and drag you backwards each time. I really hope you will not see him again. I cannot bear the thought of hearing H's voice let alone seeing him. I know that when you have DCs you have to have contact, but I truly don't know how you do it. I think Saff makes sure she's upstairs or out of view (sorry if I got that wrong Saff); can you try that when the kids are back?

Try and be positive about your DCs being away in terms of some "me time". Your massage sounds like a good idea. It may cause you to release some emotions. Don't fight that though, tell the therapist and she will be totally with you. She really will.

I will be thinking of you all week. xx

Hello, I have just registered having been lurking trying to get help and inspiration for a few weeks. Then tonight I saw this thread and I had to register and write.
This mirrors almost exactly what is happening to me at the moment. I wanted to say that you are not the only one going through this, Drfayray. I have been married for 25 years and my husband left me 3 months ago for someone only 4 years older than our own daughter. Our kids are 25,24 and 16. They and I are all devasted, especially the youngest. The older two live away from home now. I too dont have a job - I used to, in our own business, but the ow has now got that too. (long story that bit!) Similarly my h is having virtually nothing to do with his kids. He hasnt even spoken to one of them since 7th August and I of course had to be the one to tell them what is going on.
I have to see h on a regular basis, not because of youngest but practical stuff to do with business.
Worst part is h has told no one and blames me for everything including ds's upset. His mother doesnt even know - he plans to visit her in a "few weeks".
Dont want to hijack your thread but didnt want to just lurk. The advice is all wonderful but very hard to follow at times....I had a complete freak out this evening after a very good weekend . I am beginning to think it ends up making me feel better because the tension disappears afterwards. It doesnt do my ds any good though.
Good luck with it all Drfayray.

I think you need to be a little kinder to yourself at the moment. This week you should have been celebrating 25 years of marriage. Instead you are dismantling 25 years of marriage. You are making decisions that is really ending what you had together.

Part of grieving is having to go through the first of everything without a person in your life. This is your 'first' anniversary without ABCFK. To me it makes perfect sense for you to have an intense wobble.

dustlandfairytale, Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat. Sinking ship more like! Ha...but no you are not hijacking. Please post as it might help you as I find it helps me a lot. The support here is just amazing.

B&A as always, you give such support. And no, not naff at all. i really like that metaphor of the butterfly emerging. However, I do think of the Caterpillar in Alice played by Stephen Fry which reminds me that yes, call me Stephen . Ha can still laugh at least.

Figs, thanks for those wise words.

Today was is ?? the day that marks 25 years of marriage. No, not anymore. It is the end...but ALSO the beginning..of what? Not sure but could be good things. can you see me putting on my positive hat here? Can you??

I am ok today actually. I am surprised to say. No tears, no wobble...so far. I am at work, and it is very busy but in a good way. Spent an hour with a PhD student giving her some help; she was very grateful. My boss and I had a really good chat about the project and all going well there. I had chips for lunch...it was that kind of day, you know? When a sandwich or leftovers just wouldn't cut it. With a lot of tomato sauce too...ahh...vair naice...

I am going to take DD out to dinner tonight. She was so sweet when I rang to see if she was going ok at home. She said she was very busy; cleaning the bathroom, her room and going for a run. Then she was going to the shops. She also complained about going to the GC to see her dad on Wed. She doesn't want to go. She wants to stay home. Sigh...I told her to talk to him. She is also worried about me and wanted to know how I was. I said I was just fine. Which is the truth.

I am going to book my tickets to Singapore as I cleared the time off with my boss. He was really good about it. So I have someone else taking care of Jasmine time coming up for me. For a change.

Today is just another day. That is all.

Oops..just outed my real name!

fay- you could report your post ask MN towers to delete it if you want. Just copy and repost it properly altered!

Nah, it is ok. I don't mind. Not important really.

Oops-a-daisy. Just like Stephen Fry, you're out!!

(((hugs DrFay)))

As I said to Wisey, keep the good memories good. Don't let the good memories be all that you live for though.

And I just love the jaunty angle of that positive hat you're wearing. It suits you.

xx

Haha, dr, see what waffling does? gives away secrets. xx

Hi, dear Dr.Fay Thinking of you; be strong!

A RL friend gave me this to think about...

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

It speaks to me

Oh my, what a beautiful and poignant poem. I'm going to cut and paste and stick it above my desk to read whenever I'm feeling blue.

drfay it'll speak to all of us who've been where you are now. It won't be long now before you do that for yourself not in bits here and there, but fully.

Your stbxh will never know the person you're becoming - but that's just as well, because in all likelihood if he met her, he'd think twice before approaching you - because he'd know he just ain't worthy. And ain't that the truth.

Just catching up, sorry couldnt get onto computer yesterday.
Just wanted to say DrFay that you seem very strong and your jaunty hat must be working. If you look back at your thread you see far more of the real you now,the funny, clever, brave person that you are and have had to find again.

Maybe (like me) you expected THE day to be worse. That's a big hurdle overcome for you and I hope things continue on the up.

I like the "Chrysalis of Infidelity" and I'm much more into Smile to Frown Ratios now (so that's a positive as there were no smiles before!)
Sad that Wisey's thread has stopped but we know where to look for the inspiration and I am going to cut & paste B&As pep up talk to you before my mediation!!!

Just checking in,hope all is well and that you are just very busy at the moment.
x

Thanks Owly darling...hope all is good in your patch of the woods too.

I have been very busy.

Work has been manic but in a really good way. I love it. I am off to rural and remote Qld on Monday with my bosses (or Boss One and Boss Two as I call them ). Organising it has been a massive headache but all good. Boss One who is a wizened and vile old man actually praised me in front of the senior staff. This apparently has never happened in recorded history! . So yes, I am doing well....

The kids spent some time with the ABCKF as it was the school hols and I was ok on my own. Cuddled with the dog, watched some tv, cleaned, read a lot and did some work. It was ok. I survived and even, dare I say it, enjoyed the space.

I have been going to the dentist to sort out my teeth. I had neglected going before (afeared..I tell you afeared of the dentist!!) . My dentist thinks I am marvellous in that I am cheerful and making plans to improve my life. I told him about the marriage breakdown as I have been grinding my teeth with stress.

I have also joined an internet dating site. And ...oh my...I be rather popular (coy smile). OMG!!! I am not the hideous creature that ABCKF makes me feel like. I have had 335 views with many putting me in their favourites. I have been messaged by about 4 guys. But nothing really captures my fancy. BUT the best bit is a 31 year old absolutely gorgeous man put me in his favourites and we have been have some innuendo filled chat. He called himself the wolfman. His profile pix is of a delicioius man in a suit with a mask. We have had a lot of rather risque exchanges. What gets me is that he is educated and uses language and innuendo extremely well. (The reason I mention this is that the other guys all seem to pepper their descriptions with spelling errors and I am very pedantic..).He has met his match with me though. He also commented...a face as pretty as yours! What my ego needs right now after ABCKF.

I do not mean to boast here. But seriously ABCKF has dented my self esteem. I feel...felt ugly ..hideous...horrible but I am not!

I also joined a gym today. It is on the way home on the train so convenient. It is part of the regeneration of this Doctor .

One of my colleagues is breaking up with her partner of 8 years. She is feeling low and she said to me...she tells herself..look at how bubbly jasmine is...I can do that too. She is only 27 and a beautiful woman. Her comment made me feel good. Another colleague said she was so pleased and impressed at how I am taking control of my life; teeth, gym and being happy and cheerful.

Oh and I am thinking too that I do not want to get married again. But what I want is sex. So after Christmas when the work eases and I return from my two week rest..I will be hitting the scene. . I will be careful and obviously discreet. But see the kids will be with their father for alternate weekends.

I feel empowered. In charge. The house is on the market and for a better price than first anticipated. Moving towards settlement. I need to make an appt to see the sol sometime next week too.

I am seeing my psych tomorrow and boy will I have a lot to tell her. I am impatient now to get properly divorced.

Wish me luck dear friends. As I wish you the same.

Wow, DrFay, (I think I prefer that to Jasmine, as it has a certain, how shall we say, gravitas, about it) you sound so upbeat, happy and empowered!

Great idea about a discreet dalliance. What you need is a fuck buddy FWB that you can call upon as you wish, but without the emotional bollocks. It is absolutely right that with all the shit you have had to deal with, you can just think of your own personal needs for a while when the kids are away and indulge in some NSA shagging. Then if at some later point you want something more established, do so.

Glad work is going so well. I cannot believe how positive you sound. You are inspirational.

Betty X

So glad to hear all that DrFay:-)

my exH got married this week (M24 yrs, told me in Oct "no other woman", left in Dec, admitted OW around Jan/Feb, divorced in April) phew. a Bit of a year really - but I just wanted to say that, while I was doing absolutely fine most of the time before this week, I now feel positively liberated . I feel finally that he really is someone else's problem now and I can get on with my life properly. So I think things will only get better for you too :)

Mmmmmm dr fay!

Welcome to the world of internet dating. You will have so much fun (but to be sure you will get a ton of shit that you'll get used to sifting through if it's anything like here in jolly old blighty).

Good for you. I have taken the belt and braces approach. I am both on the pill and I have condoms at the ready - and I am so ready!!

OH drfay, can you be the same person who posted in July!

You go for it girl, I agree with all you have had to put up with I think it is time you thought of yourself.

I am not at that stage yet but it gives me great delight to hear all you girls getting stronger by the day.

Take care & keep us posted