What would you do??

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

you said a bit back that you have self esteem, but to say ' if i want to keep him i'll have to put up with it' is not what someone with self esteem would say. i dont mean to be harsh, but its what a doormat says.
i know its a cliche but i think something you learn when you get older is that love is not enough. you cant cling to someone who treats you like his posession cos you love him-forever. eventually you will tire of him telling you what you can and cant do,instead of believing that he only does it cos he cares.
to be truthful i said in my original thread that people dont see the light until they are ready. you think cos he hasnt hit you, he wont, cos he treats you nice the majority of the time that he is nice. i dont think it can be spelt out for you anymore clearly than what everyone has said. you are reading but not really hearing cos you dont recognise him in what we say. but the awful sad truth is that everyone of us who has replied recognises him and knows where this is going. we are trying to help you not waste the years we did, but its falling on deaf ears cos you think its too painful to lose him. unfortunately you will probably experience that pain anyway just a few years down the line, along with the pain of knowing you have wasted a large chunk of your life.

oh fgs, this man is like a reject from the Jeremy Kyle show

this whole scenario is, tbh

sunshine, I believe every word you say and I know people live like this

but really, why would you ?

< despairs >

by the way, my ex didnt hit me for the first 3 years. and i didnt tell a soul that he did until 3 months after i left..... nearly 6 years later. i could say it was the shame but it wasnt. it was cos i loved him and didnt want people to think he was a bad person. sound familiar?

Take the job. You will need it when you see the light

Ah love, please don't worry, we are all glad you started this thread. As people have said, it can take time to do what you need to do.

"I don't agree with the way he is but if i want too be with him i have to put up with it"

"I would like to take the job but he would come in and wait for me and im scared he will start fighting for the slightest little thing."

and these from before:

It's only a couple of nights a week i personally don't think I'm being unreasonable"

"I want to do it but Don't know if it's worth the aggro to be honest"

"I get a whole day of arguing if I want to (go) out"

"I will admit I can't be bothered with the arguing or the silent treatment tho"

"He won't go out with anyone but me so I have no leg to stand on"

"We have had a talk and he says he will change but he never does"

" . . . he will hit the roof if anyone looks at me funny . . I get the arguments for days after . . . it would be all my fault"

"I really want the job and I'm serious about taking it"

'if i want to be with him, i will have to put up with it'. I am no doormat.

What IS the word WELCOME doing on your forehead then?

Say what you like about me.

What happened sunshine you've done a complete 360?

I know you don't need anyone else chiming in but I just had to post because it sounds exactly like me when I was 17.

Reading so many stories like this on MN it amazes me that these men are all exactly the same, down to the same phrases!

Looking back now I was mildy depressed and I had terrible self-esteem, he showed interest in me when no-one else did and I though why not?

Then he was there all the time, every night after college at my house, even persuaded me to give him my key so he'd be there as soon as I was at home, managed to be there all the time so I stopped seeing my friends (they didn't like him), giving evil looks to my male friends, insinuating weird things about my mum's DP, walking me to work and home again, persuading me to get a new job at the same place as him, heavily hinting that I should go to the same uni as his sister (a short drive away when I wanted to move 100 miles away from my crappy home town), even me having xmas dinner with his family instead of mine because I couldn't bear the hassle if I said no. We started having arguments all the time (I barely ever argued in subsequent relationships), then came the 'playfighting' and even once not taking 'no' for an answer .

The thing is he was a totaly loser! No qualifications, rubbish job, aggressive, all this 'poor me' about how his family hated him and his ex cheated blah blah, so I don't know why on earth I stayed for over a year, the same as why I 'let' him control me I suppose, because it was 'easier'.

I felt awful breaking up with him because nothing major had happened/changed, I just had a realisation on a rare night out with friends that I could be out there having fun. But the feeling of relief was immediate, my friends welcomed me back with open arms (luckily for me) and I went off to uni free to do what I wanted. Then came the same 'can't like without me' text spiel which turned cruel and nasty when I ignored it (again they all follow the same pattern).

I saw him a few years later shopping in town with a girl with a double buggy and it actually sent a chill down my spine, that poor girl and (this is bad) I also thought thank god I escaped, that could have been me stuck to him forever .

Sorry I have totally rambled and my story is nothing compared to the awful things you see on here but in your place I wish someone had told me this and I wish I had listened and not wasted a precious time. Even now I wish I had done it sooner/never met him, I cringe at how I behaved moulding to his control and still feel like a fool.

I keep saying i know his behaviour is not quite right and it does get annoying and i've seen so many posts on here and thought 'my OH does that' and i'm sorry for people in a worse situation that can't get out.
I love him and i'm not going to leave him.

Sigh. Well then, good luck to you. I don't know why you want to throw your life away on a man who's not worth it, and I would really suggest you seek some counseling yourself to try to figure out why you don't prioritise your own happiness more. Of course, he would never let you get counseling, so you probably won't, but please, please think about it. It's really not normal at all to sacrifice your own happiness for someone who treats you like this.

I didn't mean to insult you sunshine, you know that!

these people that are in a worse situation... than who exactly?

Than YOU? No, can't see anyone that is in as an unhealthy destructive and damaging relationship as yours that is any more trapped than you are!

He has isolated you from friends, family, restricted your movements, restricted your freedom, will sulk, stonewall and gaslight you to any extent to keep you doing as he wants you to. He dictates where you can and can not work.

He treats you like this OUT OF MALICE, not out of love. Love isn't like this.

Love is ecstatic that you have a job that you enjoy, delighted that you have a great big circle of friends, tickled pink that you have a welcoming family.

You are as trapped as I was locked in a tiny flat. I didn't have the key, had no money, no language skills, no idea of where I was in relation to anything, and over 3hours drive from the airport.

You as if not more trapped than that, because I knew I had to get out but couldn't. You have the key but won't use it.

There is no worse than or better than in abuse. It is designed by the abuser to target the victim specifically. So the techniques he uses with you, may not work on his next victim. She may be able to rebuff him, or shrug off something that floors you, but something that has no effect on you could floor her.

Let me tell you this: YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE, CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP

IT WILL ESCALATE

IT WILL ONLY EVER GET WORSE, NEVER BETTER

YOU ARE 31, NOT 21, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE WITH THIS MAN

HE THINKS YOU ARE HIS PROPERTY, YOU HAVE NO SAY IN YOUR OWN LIFE.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED, IT IS NO MORE, ALL YOU HAVE NOW IS A SLAVERY CONTRACT.

Sorry for shouting, I wanted to be clear you would read it all.

I have and i hear you loud and clear. I will think about everything everyone has said on the thread but i can't see me leaving him.
I know it is frustrating when someone won't listen but i'm torn, i know you are all right,dont think he is as bad but i know this is not healthy.

Just don't move in together and make sure your contraception is good, eh? Please.

When he hits you for the first time he will be really, really, really sorry afterwards. And the second time he will swear on his life it will never, ever, ever happen again. It's just because he loves you so much that he feels so insecure.

We will be here for you then, as now, and I for one won't say I told you so.

Not sure if relevant but Fairenuff's post reminded me of something. At 19 I was living with a 35 year old. WHEN HE HIT ME i TRIED to talk to him about it later and ended up saying sorry to him. I left him eventually.

Buzzsore - We are not using any.

Fairenuff - Thank you but he won't,he's not like that.

He's not like what? Because to me he sounds exactly like somebody who would escalate his controlling abuse to physical abuse.

Also, the 'an ex cheated on him everytime she went out'- is it just me or may that have been at least partly in his head?

i think that if you are so sure he wont hit you, why dont you take that job? take it in part because you want to and partly to nip it in the bud ie, his controlling ways. if he gives you hassle or ignores you for a few days, surely thats worth getting some of your life back? or are you frightened he might end the relationship?
also if you have read as many relationship threads as you say, you must have noticed that the more women try the less the man responds. as soon as the woman stops trying the men do a turn around.
why isnt he frightened of losing you? why isnt he thinking, if i dont keep her happy- she'll leave? my guess is you are more into him than he is into you or he knows how infactuated you are and so he can make outrageous demands.
i liken this to docs and family and friends trying to talk to an anorexic. they can be told that they are going to die if they dont eat and yet still they dont. its massively frustrating for those who can see whats going to happen and have the person not take action. its not personal, its just incredibly frustrating.
just remember, people can only treat you as badly as you let them. you are allowing him to treat you this way. and so far the only reason you've given, is that you love him.

not using contraception

yup

< ticks another box >

I know the girl and she did so your wrong!

Not been funny but you all cant presume that he is going too hit me,its ridiculous.