What would you do??

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

sunshine are you planning on having children with this man?

Just wondering because, if you do stay with him, that would be the next step for many people of your age (assuming you both want children of course).

I am just trying to imagine what your future with him might be like . . .

I would have placed you at 20-21 too

what a shame your self esteem doesn't seem to have improved much since you were 15

staying with this man will erode it even more, you know

what a scary prospect

do you have dc ?

yes, a couple of us now worrying that OP will trap herself even further with a controlling man (by having dc's)....

I have got self esteem and i don't know why i just can't leave, i know he isn't who he was years ago and i know i sound pathetic,nothing i can do about that tho.

Even the poster is following a script .

Starts of saying what a wanker.

When it dawns on the poster what people are saying we get the he isn't that bad comments.

I didn't say he was a wanker, being unreasonable - yes.

It sounds worse when i write it down,he isn't as bad as he sounds just a bit insecure.

sunshine, pandering to an insecure person's unreasonable demands and walking on eggshells is actually not the right thing to do

all it does is wreck your life too, and doesn't actually quench the need for control being displayed here

do you understand what we are trying to say ?

you give in to demands like this, and before you know it, you don't have a single thought in your head that isn't prefaced by "what would Y think about this ?"

Point proved imo .

the sunshines,

re your comment:- "he isn't as bad as he sounds just a bit insecure".

Oh please. I am going to play a very small violin here.

Its actually okay for you to admit to yourself that you've made a bad choice of man. What is not okay is for you to now backtrack and say "he sounds a bit insecure". You let yourself down by backtracking like that and ultimately hurt your own self. He is responsible for his insecurity; not you.

Perhaps you want to rescue and or save him?. That is not possible with such a man.

This self same man is wanting you not to work part time in a bar. He is not just being unreasonable here; he is actively trying to stop you earning some money and living your own life. He is not your keeper nor your svengali though he seems to have that effect on you; you seem to be happy to be his muse. Why is that exactly?.

Where's your own backbone here?.

It's OK, sunshine is not ready, she has not had enough pain and suffering in her life yet.

she has not YET had every last vestige of joy and happiness ripped from her

She thinks he can still change. She can't see that he doesn't want to, and why on earth should he? he feels entitled to treat her like a possession and she is happy to come back for more.

because I love 'im...

You are 31, not 15 like he has you infantilised emotionally as, 31 THIRTY ONE, you don't have the precious time to waste away being treated like dog shit.

Get a grip on your life and wake up sunshine. what more do we have to say. You think you now him, you don't.

WE DO! They are all the same, this is why people write books about men like this, they are all the bloody same.

"It's only a couple of nights a week i personally don't think I'm being unreasonable"

"I want to do it but Don't know if it's worth the aggro to be honest"

"I get a whole day of arguing if I want to (go) out"

"I will admit I can't be bothered with the arguing or the silent treatment tho"

"He won't go out with anyone but me so I have no leg to stand on"

"We have had a talk and he says he will change but he never does"

" . . . he will hit the roof if anyone looks at me funny . . I get the arguments for days after . . . it would be all my fault"

"I really want the job and I'm serious about taking it"

need I go on . . .

Sunshine these are all your statements. A description of your relationship in your own words. You can't have it both ways. Either he is a good guy or he isn't.

answer : he isn't

Listen to these ladies - they are very wise - I wish I had had MN when I was with my ex. He was very similar to your man, they slowly ramp up the damage, I was wearing neck to ankle dresses in case I showed any flesh (but he liked to look at the other scantily clad ladies), and had zero friends before I left him (and they werent the worst things he did to me)

I am still dealing with the mental issues he left me with 15 years afterward our 6 year relationship, it is not a good place to be

And Im not sure if anyone mentioned it, but did his ex cheat on him as the only way she could escape him? I certainly wouldnt be surprised.

Hmm. He isn't just a little bit insecure, though. Most people have insecurities, things they feel touchy about, issues from past relationships. Most people don't let these insecurities completely take over their and their partners' lives, and then refuse to seek help for them.

I know it seems awfully cruel and over the top that everyone is saying leave and that you should disregard his feelings because they are unreasonable, perhaps you are thinking it's not his fault that these things have happened to him, it's not his fault he happens to be the kind of person who picks up insecurities more easily and takes them more to heart. But it's not your fault either, and the difference is that you can't do anything to change it, whereas he could. He could either seek help for his insecurities directly, via counselling, or he could decide that he isn't in a good place for a relationship. Either way, he must KNOW this is upsetting you. He must KNOW this isn't a normal life for you. He must KNOW you are making sacrifices for him. And he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind the fact that he's letting his own insecurities hurt you, the person he is supposed to love more than any other. That is what the problem is.

I expect that he does love you, or he thinks he does. Maybe he has a warped view of what love is, from his childhood perhaps? Do you think you can fix this, perhaps, by loving him better? Do you think you can build up enough trust, if you stay true to him enough? If you can just prove you aren't like his ex? Because it doesn't work, it will never ever be enough, even if you devoted yourself entirely to him. (And what sort of life would that be anyway?) His jealousy is irrational, he's proved that already, so there's no way you're going to be able to placate it with any sort of rational actions. This is always going to be there, throughout the whole of the relationship. Irrational emotions don't tend to go away by themselves, not without specialist help.

I think Attila has made a good point it's okay to admit you've made a bad choice in a partner. Again, we have all been there! You say you don't know how to withdraw or knock him off the pedestal, you say you love him but how much of that is just trying to avoid facing the fact that you have made a bad choice here?

Let me be clear, I'm not blaming you for this situation! He is the one to blame, he is the one acting unreasonably.

But I think it's natural to cling to things jobs, people, houses that aren't good for us because we just can't admit we haven't made the best choices.

Be kind to yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. These things happen. The important thing is to get out and learn from it.

If you want to stay with this man, well, it's your life, you do what you want.

But be honest. This man is controlling your life and will be the ruin of you, and you are willing to put up with it. That is the truth as written in this thread. You say it just sounds bad written down -- that's because it is bad, love.

Be strong. You can do this!

He sounds so insecure about your relationship, tell him
you love him every day,(if you do ) and go for the job
It will give you loads to talk about every night after work.

I know.

Thank you for all your advice.

Do you know what Sunshine, I was engaged to and lived with a man like your BF for 5 years. He was controlling, possessive, obsessed with me, didn't see why I had to have mates when he didn't have any, he was also depressed and threatened to kill himself if I left him. He wanted to control what I did by creating a huge amount of hassle over little things he thought I shouldn't do, like, going out on a girl's night out or visiting friend's houses etc.

I left him, not because I was ready to, but because I knew I had to or I'd face a life of misery and isolation.

What you've written about your OH is written because that's how it is with your life ATM and that is how HE is acting too. You need to get out before it gets worse and he totally isolates you.

Do you know for a fact that he wouldn't get enough control over you to start being agressive and violent toward you? Do you want it to get to that stage, because if you don't, stop making excuses for him and get out of this relationship.

Anyone can open a door, put a coat on another person, buy another person nice things. This is not exclusive to 'respectful' men. A respectful man will not mind talking over issues and trying to sort them out - he won't pretend there's nothing wrong with him and try to convince you of the same.

Got to go to bed now OP, but hopefully you'll take good heed of what everyone is telling you here. I'm asking you to listen to them because we all care enough to try to point you in the right direction so you can be happy.

He has come across as that way but he isn't and he wouldn't be violent(i know that much) we have mutual friends i know his family he isn't like that.

I understand what all of you are trying to tell me, i shouldn't of started a thread about this. sorry.

Get it deleted and forget about it

At your peril < shrugs >

If you understand what we are saying, why do you regret starting the thread?

I understand it must be hard to hear all these things. It would be a lot easier to forget all about it and go on living in denial. I have a feeling that's what you will do, so let me just say that you can always come back and talk to us when you feel ready to do something about this. Because believe me -- someday you will. There is no way you will put up with this man for the rest of your life. The only question is how many years you will waste before you finally can't take anymore.

Are you prepared to never have friends again? To never have children? To never have a job you like? To never be able to think of yourself first?

This is what you are signing up for. Be honest with yourself and admit that this is what you are signing up for.

If you are okay with that, go ahead and delete the thread and move on with your life.

But I don't think you really are okay with that. So keep talking, if you can.

"He has come across as that way but he isn't and he wouldn't be violent(i know that much) we have mutual friends i know his family he isn't like that."

You don't know A THING! His family could be royal and he'd still be a controlling abuser. What happens when you get immune to his sulking and go out anyway, take jobs he doesn't approve of anyway, have friends call you anyway?

How will he bring you back to heel?

You have been with him 18m, that is NOTHING. You think you know him, I thought I knew my X, 10 years we were together, turns out I didn't know him at all.

We'll see you soon sunshine, sooner than you think.

take the job. I am a bartender and love every minute of it. He is right, you likely will get chatted up and flirted with, but by pervy drunk sods that you are about as likely to hop into bed with as with a toothless wart covered monkey. He sounds possessive. Be very careful.

I did start this thread and i do know his behaviour is not quite right, i am sorry for starting the thread because you have all gave really good advice and taken the time to reply to me and it sounds as if i am not listening to you but i am.
I don't agree with the way he is but if i want too be with him i have to put up with it.
I don't know how to get the thread deleted and i think i need to keep this thread.

stayforthekids1 - I would like to take the job but he would come in and wait for me and im scared he will start fighting for the slightest little thing.