What would you do??

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

Most people do need friends. I understand your partner doesn't, but it's not fair for him to impose this on you as well.

You mentioned just the other day how much you enjoyed speaking to your old school friend. There's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy friendships, that's part of what life is all about! So the fact that your partner wants to deny this to you is really creepy and unreasonable.

Let's say you move in together. Is he going to let the children have friends? If not, well, that's monstrous. If yes, won't it be weird if the kids can have friends and you can't?

You are only 31. You have loads of time to have another baby, with someone who doesn't have so many issues.

Does he fit any of the criteria here?
counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/

How does your family get along with him?

This is madness - you said that you would be concerned he would go to your work place while you work and wait for you there AND possibly kick off (physically - I presume that's what you mean by 'fighting') if he saw anything that concerned him? 2 massive waving red flags.

And you don't think that he is controlling?

He doesn't need to physically assault you to get you to do what he wants does he?

Your radar is obviously way off. You might have dumped an abusive man, nut you are settling for another one.

Your answers indicate moderate levels of experiences which Dr Carver has associated with hurtful relationships and potentially, at particularly high levels, with the types of abuse sometimes linked to personality disorders.
Dr Carver?s original list suggests that the presence of even one single feature mentioned in this list indicates there is risk in the relationship. However, the original list does not quantify the frequency or extent to which a particular feature is present ? and one single example of your partner losing their temper (for example) may not necessarily indicate a clear and significant risk to you.
Therefore, this quiz attempts to quantify the extent or frequency of the potentially problematic behaviour as indicated in the scoring information below.

moderate levels???? definition of moderate= within reasonable limits, not excessive or extreme.
i dont think being smashed over the head with a glass plate and wondering how the fuck you are going to get the shards out of your hair without cutting your fingers to shreds can be considered a moderate experience. you know bugger all about any of our experiences, cos the one i just described wasnt even the worst.

i cant figure out whether you just wanted to hear everyones argument so that you could bide your time and then write a very student type argument to try and impress/ anger us, or whether you just made it all up. but i for one think you are even more immature and naive than i already did.

it sounds like a very student type critique- read from a book with no life experience. i can read in a book that one single example of trying heroin for the first time may not necessarily indicate an potential lifelong addiction but i dont think you'll find many real life experiences where it didnt. so what exactly is your point? that he may never hit you?
ok i'll humour you. he may never hit you, but he will spend all the years you are together telling you what you can and cant do. sounds lovely. hope you are very happy with that.

Excuse me??
That was from the quiz i took from the link above.
I think you are a very angry person and you seem to be taking your bad experience out on me.

I have been on Mumsnet a long time so why the hell would i make anything up? infact don't answer that i'm not really interested.

im not angry at all! i didnt read the quiz but tbh i still stand by what i say. it is a student argument- just not yours and i apologise for that. so i take it the fact you chose to copy and paste it was to try to show that not all men hit- again i stand by my heroin comment in reply.
i think you have lost sight of your original post. you asked 'what would you do?' we've told you what we would do and now its turned into a thread about you defending him. you dont think he will turn out like all of ours did. i think it will be best for you if he doesnt and i wish that for you. but i think you are missing the point- even if he never ever lays a finger on you, you are still not/never going to be in a healthy happy relationship.
im going to bow out cos my intention in posting was to try and help you not to make the same mistakes i did. i only ever post in the relationship threads when someone posts with a similiar situation to the one i was in to empower them to get out. you dont even want to . good luck. x

OP the problem is that I don't think you know what a healthy relationship looks like. My DH encourages me to live my own life, have friends, do what I want and develop my own career. I do the same for him. We don't worry about each other and want the best for each other. We would do anything to care and look after each other. That is love.

I hope things work out for you and I wish you would take some of the advice from the experienced posters here. Sadly I think you have your head in the sand and that you will waste precious years on your unworthy partner.

Fanny - I do see this relationship is not too healthy if you read back, i know exactly what a healthy relationship is(don't think you can comment on that).
I have taken in all of the advice posted on here.
My head is not in the sand.. i have took on board what the posters have said.
I know he thinks I AM HIS.
I love him and it's not that i am needy etc...i want to be with him even if he has got issues and i have to give up some stuff. My friends aren't exactly trustworthy anyway so im not too fussed.
The only thing i am a bit bothered about is the fact he doesn't trust me enough to work behind a bar.

You seriously need to take a long hard look at the future life you could potentially haeve if you move in with this man.

He is CONTROLLING where you work. If you take a job that is cleaning, will he get funny if your boss is a man? Yes. You already said he doesnt wanting you taking a part time bar job because men will flirt with you and chat you up. Whats not to stop someone in a cleaning job doing the same??

Does he go through your mobile phone? Yes? No? If not, that will be next garanteed(SP). He is controlling you, you can see it but you are shutting yourself away from it all. You know deep down that you cannot spend your life without seeing your friends. Next it will be your family, not nessicarily your parents but family get togethers, christmas, birthday parties etc etc.....

Think about it, he is already controlling your career by telling you what job not to take.

I had a lucky escape with my ex he was exactly like yours, except for me, i wasnt allowed my own bank card when i went out with my best mate, he controlled what i spent out of my own wages. When i could spend money and when i couldnt. In the end i dumped him by phone. I had phone calls and messages daily but ignored them. He wouldnt change he was a wanker. a first class wanker. I met DH and even now after 6 years i still find myself 'asking' if he is ok with me going to my parents. - pathetic eh? Yeah it is. Because that bastard broke me down so much i couldnt see left from right.

Think about it, there are plenty of blokes out there who would treat you so much better.

But also if you o move in together, i give it 6 months before your posting 'my fiance wont let me go out at all, he insists on us being together 24/7 hes even got a job at the same place as me'

Beleive me, my ex tried getting a job at my place, even secured an interview but i said to my employer i didnt really want him working with me as he was hard out of work. He lived with his parents.

All you'll get from MN is 'We told you so'.......

He won't be controlling any money of mine believe me i've been there.
There are different men out there...trouble is- i don't want other men, i want him.
If i could be bothered arguing about jobs etc... i would, he wouldn't leave me fact and he would not hit me fact.

I'm sure i would get 'we told you so' no doubt about that.

I read your thread earlier sunshines and it seemed to me that you talked yourself round in a big circle in reaction to all the posters' advice. It sounds to me like you might need to just step away now and give yourself a week or two to think this over?
I think you've got some serious red flags and you gut instinct is telling you to beware - but you need time to confront this and let your emotions catch up.

Sunshine, your partner sounds like a carbon copy of mine! I have (finally) after 14 years and 2 children, realised what he is doing is wrong.

I am now on anti depressants and awaiting counselling, to give me the strength to get the relationship sorted once and for all, both for myself and my kids. He has quite literally sucked the life out of me.

I have posted in the abusive relationships thread and had some great advice and this has given me the strength to start addressing these issues, and I am NOT giving in. Hell no. If he doesn't like the new me, he can jog on!

I am not condoning your decision to try and make it work, but please, please be very careful, I am worried that your mental health will suffer.

I wish you all the best.

I have had another run in with him...he doesn't want me to wear summer clothes - i am. He doesn't want me to speak to my friend - i am. I am not weak like some have suggested, i shouldn't have to fight about what i want to wear but as i have said i want to be with him so i have to fight until i wake up and smell the coffee(so to speak).

What are 'summer clothes'? Essentially things more revealing?

Ok, you've made your point, you aren't going to leave him on the basis of this thread. I think you should keep money aside for the moment to be safe. You say it's a fact he won't hit you, I hope you are right. I also hope if the worst happened and he did, you would dump his ass immediately.

There is not much else I can say tbh and I do wish you well.

Yes, sorry shorts and a vest top thingy?? he didn't really have a problem with this before,strange.

Thanks.

oh dear. he is being a twunt. Not happy unless things go his way, if they don't he has a tantrum. I hope to god things don't get violent, it sounds like he is stepping up a notch on the control front because you are starting to stand up for yourself... and he doesn't like it.. be careful x

I think it's the whole you 'belong' to him thing, so he has a right to dictate what you wear, where you can go/work and who you can see.
As you can see this is happening, stick to your guns but it could be potentially dangerous. A lot of abuse starts out with controlling behaviour so please be careful, if you won't leave.

I see no point in an one posting as OP has made her decision.

We have said what we think, it is your life. Good luck with it.

tmoo and Geekcool - He is, i will be thank you.

Please come back if you need any advice on anything - no-one will be gloating or telling you 'I told you so'. People on here want to give good advice. You are safe here. Come back if you need help, and come back in a year or so to let us know that all is going well - we will be happy for you. Honest!

Also, you said that you were not going to take the job because it was just to much hassle. Please make sure it is clear to you what things you are willing to compromise on and what you will not - so you will not change your clothes because it is 'less hassle' or whether you are comfortable wearing something that he feels more appropriate. Write them down, refer to them regularly.

I hope all does work out for you.

wannabesybil - Thank you. I will compromise on some things..that is not a problem. Clothes on the other hand - No way :-).

I think we will be fine.. it is not as bad as written down on here, sounds worse,some how. He really isn't a monster.

he might not be a monster, but he is an arsehole

OP - tis nothing to do with trusting you or not trusting you.

It's simply that he likes the idea that you will do what he tells you to. You will see who he approves of. You will work somewhere he has ok'd. It's because he's nasty, bullying, controlling. Not rocket science. This guy may have aspects you like, but at the core he's a bad bad choice.

The real question you should be exploring is why you want to be with a nasty twat. Because someone with a healthy set of boundaries should be naturally gravitating towards a person who is generous, cheerful, kind, who enjoys equality with a partner.

If you moved on to a bloke like that, you would undoubtedly be setting yourself up for a nicer happier life. Instead, you are prioritising the small things - maybe the fact that this bloke makes you laugh, that you really fancy him, etc. etc. All good, but they don't outweigh the big red flags.

You are letting small enjoyments that you get out of this relationship and this individual outweigh the big red flags and you do so at your peril. It's like being careful with pennies but neglecting to cancel massive old direct debits for stuff you don't use anymore. Very short term.

However you sound really sensible, I don't think it'll be long before you call this one a day, to be honest. He really is a massive twat and a nasty piece of work. Good luck.