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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 23:50

sassy34264 - really?? i dont think he would do that but never can tell,can you.

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 11/07/2011 00:15

he doesnt need to at the minute because you do everything that he wants you to- you're a good little girl.
if you feel like you love him and cant leave then fair enough. im a strong believer that people only leave when they are ready, despite the bleeding obvious staring them in the face. but ask yourself this - how many weeks months, years are you prepared to waste waiting for your epithany to come? mine was 8 years and 8 months. less than 2 years later i was in a serious relationship with a very very fit/gorgeous toy boy! and more to the point, he isnt controlling, doesnt emotionally, mentally or physically abuse me and god bless him- spent years helping me get over the state my ex left me in. we have our 9 year anniversary in oct- my due date for our 3rd dc.
i fear all you have to look forward to is the hassle of pleasing him, but never being able to and then the nightmare of trying to disentangle him from your life.
why dont you stand up to him now- take the job, add your friends back to facebook, go out with them on a night out and see what happens? your not leaving him, so its less of a leap for now.

dreamingbohemian · 11/07/2011 01:20

Hi Sunshine, just nipping back to say good night Smile

Don't feel guilty about talking to your friend, or taking this job, or anything else you do in the coming days. Of course he will make you feel guilty, that's the only way he can get you to not do things that are, really, quite normal things to do.

You've had a lot to think about tonight, I hope you are doing okay.

You know what you need to do. Listen to your own voice, not his. Who is he to tell you what to do?

Smile
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 01:30

dreamingbohemian - Thank you for your kindness and good advice,don't know what i would do without mumsnet. Smile

Yes.Iit's doing it that i'm going too find hard Sad no doubt i will get there like so many people that put up with this and worse everyday.

Thank you and all for your support and advice.

Goodnight.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/07/2011 10:19

By the way, unless you know for a fact that a former girlfriend really did cheat on him, I'd take that claim with a pinch of salt. You said yourself that that is what he'll tell other people about you if/when you split up.

I had one of those. Of course they're not jealous or paranoid, they just worry because they love you so much and "it's not you, it's other men I don't trust". You're the bird in the gilded cage (or in my case, the cage full of old newspaper and shit, but that's a whole other story).

If he's such a nice guy in all other ways I'd give him 2 choices. He can accept that you are an individual (not the previous ex, but a whole other human being) with a life, friends and self-determination; or he can take a hike. To make this work, you would have to operate a zero tolerance policy on huffiness, passive-aggression, sarcasm and the cold shoulder. He may be able to be taught, though I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope. In any case I imagine you feel he is owed a chance to try. But this "oh it's not worth it, I'll give up this job for a quiet life" - that's not going to work. And if you're thinking that once you're living together he will realise you're committed to him and be able to see you're not cheating - oh no. You'll have to give up more and more until when you're in a studio flat 24/7 and only go to the shops when he's willing to drive you he will still be sure you're thinking out of order.

I ditched mine after 25 years of this. Projecting my own experiences, maybe - but your nice-but-insecure fellow sounds horribly familiar. He's described in that Lundy Bancroft book that someone recommended upthread (amazing book, should be taught in schools). He is a graduate of the School of Controlling Partners. I bet he got an A.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 10:42

Anniegetyourgun - I know she did cheat on him and it was pretty awful what she done.
I have explained to him im not her and he apologises and says he will try and that is exactly what he says that he trusts me its others he doesnt.
The book will confirm what i know and so many others have told me on here and im not ready to face that yet, i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
GiveMeSomeSpace · 11/07/2011 10:59

sunshine you said earlier on in your thread that he respects you, but I can assure you he doesn't, even if he holds doors open for you and compliments you. Anyone that won't allow their partner to be thrmselves and have their own life does not respect them. It's a horrible thing to realise and come to terms with but it is so so true.

You should be able to calmly tell him that if he respects you and loves you, he should be prepared to trust you and let you live your life as you want. If he can't accept that, then it shows you how little he truly respects you.

He clearly has his own issues to deal with (including problems with self-esteem) and he is the one that needs to sort himself out. He may well have been cheated on in the past and IF he has then that is HIS issue to deal with - Not yours.

Use this bar job to make a stand, because IMO, you can guarantee that the outcome of this saga will show you how the relationship will pan out in the future.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 13:40

This isn't all him, i shouldn't of allowed it to be like this, i am going to be myslef and go out etc... but i'm not leaving him or taking the job will have to find another one.

Thank you for all of your advice and i have listened and i'm going to do what i want from now and if he doesn't like it tough,he can do what he likes.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 13:44

you are going to do what you want ?

no, you are not

take your head out yo' arse

take the bar job...I thought that was what you wanted

deary me Sad

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 13:49

AnyFucker - I know but the job is really not worth the hassle,no point making him feel uncomfortable. I can do other jobs just not that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 13:52

yes but

I know but

I hear what you are saying but

just sayin'

You are making a mistake, love

You will realise it quite soon, I think

dreamingbohemian · 11/07/2011 13:58

Sunshine you are backtracking Sad

You can't say that you are going to do what you want and then say, oh but I won't take that job because it will make him uncomfortable.

It IS worth the hassle, because it is something you want to do and taking it will show that you are serious about standing up for yourself and not let this man control you.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 14:06

I am going to stand up too him and knock him off the pedestal.. i seem to have put him on.,honestly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:12

I wish you luck, sunshine

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 14:32

Thank You AnyFucker, i know i'm gonna need it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:49
Sad

it shouldn't be this hard, really it shouldn't

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 14:53

I love him tho(pathetic,i know). Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:56

not pathetic, but not sensible

dogs love those that kick them, does it make it right ?

(not calling you a dog, btw)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2011 15:04

sunshinesbrightly,

What is there to love about him exactly?.

How old are you btw, are you really as young as I think you are given this post you wrote:-

"I have been with him over a year and a half, known him since i was 15".

Your radar was well askew at 15 but this is to be almost expected as you have no real life experience behind you. If you are still in your mid teens your mid teens should not be anything like this nor be involved with such a man. He does not know the meaning of the word love.

He wants to control you, to keep you isolated. He is a textbook controller.

I would urge you to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and take this part time job.

You get involved with such a person at your peril, he will destroy you in the end. Controlling men are often angry men too.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 15:08

No i'm an older 31 actually but i do feel like i'm 15 to be honest, think i stepped back a fair few years.

I don't know why i feel the way i do about him, i would never let anyone treat me like this usually just him Sad.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 15:14

You have been with him for 16 years then ? Confused

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2011 15:17

No, sorry. What i mean is, i have known him since then, went out with him briefly..Got back in contact just a little over a year and half ago.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 15:22

ah, right

you do have him on a pedestal, then

what you admired at 15, often doesn't work when you actually grow up

come on, he is bad news, seriously

sassy34264 · 11/07/2011 15:43

i thought you were a lot younger tbh. walking into this saying- yes but i love him -sounds more like something a very naive 18-25 yr old would do. surely at 31 you have learned a thing or two?
changing the way you behave or the things you want to do to keep someone else happy is never going to work. for a start as someone in my 30's i'd at least question why he seems mightily concerned about HIS happiness and not the least bit bothered about yours. next he'll be saying- yes but if you really loved me, you would do it. how old is he.......31????

HerHissyness · 11/07/2011 15:52

He has trapped you at your relationship age of 15. You will never be able to move on from that.

YoU ARE 31 FFS!, you have a life to live, money to earn and people to speak to. He is not your DAD FGS, he doesn't tell you when you can and can't go out.

You don't love HIM. You don't even know him. He hasn't shown you the full him yet... That ugliness is still yet to come Sad

You love the person you dreamed he would be at 15, the person you want him to be, the person he pretended to be to reel you in.

Doesn't exist. A ghost, a figment of imagination.

Please if nothing else today sunshine, read your posts from start to finish and pretend someone else wrote them. Tell that OP what you think she should do.

be honest. You'd be telling her the same things we are wouldn't you.

The fear of separation is worse than the separation itself.

Just imagine life without him. Freedom to have whoever you like as friends, call, text, email whoever about whatever.

Work where you want to, doing what you want to, earning your own money, improving your own life.

You need to take your life in hand. If you don't drive (saw a comment about him having to pick you up) FGS, learn to drive! get free, take back you life and LIVE IT!

What he is doing to you is clipping your wings, your joy in life will die, and you will give up. You are 31, don't you want a life, family, friends, laughter?

NONE of that is possible if you stay with this dreadful excuse for a human being.

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