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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

OP posts:
buzzsore · 10/07/2011 16:53

Sorry for all the questions! Smile I sound like I ought to get a lamp out.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 16:53

HE sounds like the hassle that isn't worth it! Angry How dare he bully you into a decision like this? :(

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 16:53

No he doesn't bother with anyone apart from his family but he won't go out with them either,just me.I haven't seen my friends for ages. No it's just me and him.

We don't live together yet we are looking for somewhere to rent together.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 16:55

Buzzsore -Grin

Fifis25StottieCakes - I have done bar work before so i know the drill,disgusting aren't they Wink.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 16:56

BertieBotts - I know but i love him. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 10/07/2011 17:01

I'm sorry but there are red flags everywhere with this relationship. We don't limit & hobble the people we love, we help them spread their wings and fly (sorry to be a bit schmaltzy).

He shouldn't be dictating what you do nor isolating you from the other people in your life who love and support you.

It's not about this job, it's about what it represents for a future for the two of you - if he gets his way by the silent treatment, by making your life so uncomfortable you cave in, this is what your relatationship will be. It won't get better, because he knows it works on you.

scaredwhatsnext · 10/07/2011 17:02

IMO you should accept the job offer . Don't give into his tantrums .

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 17:04

Well whatever you do DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM. Stay together while you make your decision if you want to but PLEASE don't move the relationship onto any new levels.

I loved him too (my controlling ex). Once I moved in with him the control ramped up, I lost almost all my friends. I damaged my relationships with family members. I hurt people. I will always regret that DS is stuck with him for a father, he's not somebody I'd choose for a role model.

I loved him and although I had reservations I didn't think I could cope with breaking up the relationship, so I hung on until I got to the point where I could no longer cope with staying in it - but then it wasn't only hard to leave, it was complicated (I had DS to think about) - and so much damage had already been done.

If he carries on like this (and it's extremely unlikely he will change) he IS going to kill any love you have for him eventually. Please don't give him the chance to destroy everything else about you as well.

PhilipJFry · 10/07/2011 17:05

If you move in together things will only get worse, sweetheart. You need to take a step back and look at where this is headed. Do you really want to move in together with someone like this? You've stopped seeing your friends already and you must realise that this is an unhealthy situation to be in- losing their support and friendship and company isn't right. Neither is the way he treats you and the controlling behaviour and insecurity.

You've said it yourself: you've talked about it but nothing changes. The fact that you talk about it shows you aren't happy with the way things are. Listen to those feelings.

itsohsoquiet · 10/07/2011 17:06

It will get worse if you give in on this and move in with him.

rainbowinthesky · 10/07/2011 17:07

Run while you can.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 17:08

My ex was abusive had no regrets leaving him,never loved him he just latched on and i couldn't shake him off... got rid of him in the end tho.

I agree, but i love him and i suppose i don't want to think of him like that and i've been ignoring the voice in my head.

What do i do??

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ThePopsicleKat · 10/07/2011 17:11

This does sound difficult if you love him...but...if there is a voice in your head then I think you should trust it. As others have said, your DP being controlling/possessive/paranoid and isolating you both from other people are MASSIVE red flags. I would get out now, you deserve more than this.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 17:12

Sorry to shout BTW :( I just wish someone had told me :(

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 17:14

Read this.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 17:16

He thinks it is my choice not to go out..he doesn't see what he does and he said he's only worried because he loves me.

BertieBotts - It's ok, i know how frustrating it is, you can all see it, i'm looking for anything to tell me he's not as bad as he sounds.

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buzzsore · 10/07/2011 17:17

I think you should put moving in together on hold, as Bertie says.

You could ask him to seek help, that he gets therapy of some sort to address his controlling behaviour? I don't know how effective this is likely to be or whether he'd go for it (when he probably doesn't think he has a problem), but it could be a way forward if he would.

In the meantime, take the job and start seeing your friends & family again.

You might also want to get some counselling yourself, perhaps through Women's Aid (the Freedom course maybe?) to deal with the fallout from your previous abusive relationship and help you set boundaries in relationships.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 17:21

I'm not saying leave him, I understand how hard that is to do, it's not a decision you can make in a day - but certainly don't move the relationship up a notch unless he starts treating you with respect. Actual respect, not some pathetic attempt at "trying". Whether he's aware of what he is doing or not is irrelevant (and TBH I'd bet he is more aware than you think - even if he is in denial too) Get a copy of the book "Why Does He Do That" and read it, cover to cover, before you even think about moving in with him. I'd imagine he'd object to you reading such a book so it should be easier to hide if you live separately too.

GollyHolightly · 10/07/2011 17:23

It's not really been your choice not to go out though, has it! He's made it so difficult for you that you've stopped bothering. If he were happy for you to go out with your friends would you be doing it? I bet the answer is yes.

He's a bully. Do you really want to live with a bully?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 17:24

BertieBotts - I looked at that thread when it was posted. Another example of me trying to excuse his behaviour because i don't want to leave him Sad.

Buzzsore - Dont think he would go for that,he thinks everything is fine. I know his behaviour isn't right but i don't know how to withdraw myslef from him.

Thankyou so much for your replies.

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TheOriginalFAB · 10/07/2011 17:26

Do not move in with this man. I would go so far as to say leave him now. he is punishing you for his exes cheating.

Curiousmama · 10/07/2011 17:28

Run for the hills......sounds like a weirdo ex of mine, he ended up fecking stalking me!!!

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 17:28

He thinks because i have him, i don't need too go out. No he isn't a bully just his behaviour is a bit off.

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Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 17:30

TheOriginalFAB - Ive told him he is when he has excused me of cheating and he says he isn't, he just doesnt want to lose me.

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BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 17:35

If my DP said he didn't need to go out because he had me, I'd probably kick him out to the pub immediately with instruction to come back with at least 3 phone numbers of new friends Grin. (I'm joking, of course, but still, I'd think it was extremely creepy if DP said this. He doesn't go out much, but that's because most of his friends live really far away, so he talks to them online.)

Even if he doesn't think he's causing you harm, expecting to be someone's entire world is an unhealthy expectation in a relationship.