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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/07/2011 19:03

I'm out

Can't stand to watch it, tbh

and if sunshine makes yet one more "abusive relationship bingo call" I will start saying things I will regret Sad

Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/07/2011 19:10

No contraception Hmm

Think you will have more bother escapeing with a baby.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 12/07/2011 19:14

Oh my days..hiding this thread now it's getting silly(if you can hide your own thread).

One thing tho i know fact he willnot hit me.

Thanks for all your advice.

Sunshines.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 12/07/2011 19:18

I knew that 2 of my exes wouldn't hit me either. Both did.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/07/2011 19:27

Why are you using no contaception though if you cant even get a PT bar job. You know once you have a kid you will be trapped.

antlerqueen · 12/07/2011 19:34

Take the job and see if his behaviour changes. Then come back and call this thread silly.

bananamonkey · 12/07/2011 22:29

Ffs who bothers to make something up for 10 pages? Hmm

BertieBotts · 12/07/2011 23:20

Whether or not he will hit you is irrelevant though - he's already hurting you by making you feel you can't do the (perfectly ordinary) things you want to do, like work where you want (and it's not as though you want to work in a strip club or something, it's just a bar!), or be in touch with who you want - and again, it's not like you're wanting to be in touch with an ex who you still have feelings for, or a friend who screws you over constantly. It's not normal for someone not to want you to have friends. (I want to link an old thread WRT the hitting thing, but not sure whether it would be considered bad form)

I agree with the others though, it just sounds like you aren't ready to make any big decisions yet. If you do anything, just try to keep things as they are for now, read that book ' why does he do that?' if you can, the book won't tell you to leave him, I've read it, it might help you to understand. It covers all aspects of controlling behaviour, so don't think that it's irrelevant. I think you would find it really helpful, especially if you have decided to stay. And if you ever change your mind there's another one here who promises not to say ' told you so '. Good luck :-)

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 12/07/2011 23:54

BertieBotts - Maybe he is trying to look after me, i do get chatted up alot(and that is not bigheaded,i don't see why i do)I have a friend that is not really a nice person(user)I've had a lot of shit off my ex so maybe some of the things he advises me against is reasonable. I will get the that book Bertie thank you and you are very welcome to say 'i told you so' i will most likely deserve it.

OP posts:
strawberry17 · 13/07/2011 08:09

I have nothing useful to add but really Sad reading this and please please please go to the doctors and sort some contraception out Sad

TheOriginalFAB · 13/07/2011 08:13

Whose choice is it to not use contraception?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 13/07/2011 09:18

Both of ours.

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 13/07/2011 09:22

do either of you work?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 13/07/2011 09:33

Yes, he works. I have a job waiting for meand if i don't take it i will be looking for other work not sitting on my ass all day looking after my other kids

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2011 09:46

I am starting to wonder about this thread. 240 posts and this is the first time you've mentioned that you already have kids!

I can't believe you are putting up with this man when you have kids to care about Sad

mo3d · 13/07/2011 09:48

Why aren't you using contraception? You said earlier that you're not even living together. Surely it would be wise to live together for a while, then think about having children?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 13/07/2011 09:52

Why do i need too say i have children this thread is about me getting a job in a bar.
I don't put up with him, i'm with him because i want to be and he is good too my kids better than their dad infact.

Believe what you like, i only asked for advice on a bar job.

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 13/07/2011 09:56

i asked cos you post at all times of the day, so i assumed you didnt work and i thought that if he doesnt work and you are both trying for a baby, you could possibly find yourself in the situation of being together 24hrs a day with a baby.
as someone who sits on their ass all day, Hmm looking after 3 kids and 6 months pregnant with my 4th, i wasnt making any judgements about you. and yes my dp works.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/07/2011 10:18

I think we have all said what we would do with regards to your job and now it is up to you. When If things go bad I am sure you will get support here if you want it.

I still can't believe you are 31 Shock.

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2011 10:29

This thread started about a job in a bar (which, despite every single person here thinking you should take it, you are clearly not going to take). It has become more than that because people are shocked that you would tolerate such controlling behaviour from a man.

That is why your children are relevant (well, I think so anyway) because regardless of how nice he is to them, you are showing them that it is acceptable for a man to keep his partner isolated and friendless, that it is better not to work at all rather than take a perfectly good job that the man doesn't approve of for irrational reasons. Thus, it's even sadder that you are wanting to stay in this position, because it's not just you being shown how to be controlled.

I do wish you luck. I know this thread must be frustrating for you but I hope it's given you some things to think about going forward.

GeekCool · 13/07/2011 10:39

MY ex was abusive and controlling. Taking a part time bar job to supplement my full time income because he was bleeding me dry saved my life. Six months later I plucked up the courage to leave. At the bar job I was relaxed, sociable, I was ME again.
THAT is what he doesn't want to happen. He doesn't want you to realise what you are missing out on - and I'm not talking about other men. He wants you to stay needy and dependent.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 13/07/2011 11:55

Isolated??? really?? I'm not stuck in i can just walk out of my front door.

Honestly you lot are so far off.

Geekcool - as i have said in the thread i have been in a abusive relationship and this is not one, i will repeat myslef once more - yes, his behaviour is a bit off but he is not anywhere near what you are all trying to imply and you can't possibly judge and say he is going to hit me etc.. or i'm needy or dependent none of you know him or me. You have no idea of his relationship with my kids or with me .

OP posts:
GeekCool · 13/07/2011 12:23

Why ask what we would do then? We've all told you, but apparently there is no problem except he is 'a bit off'

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2011 12:27

Okay so you can walk out your front door -- and do what? You can't have any friends, you can't take a job you like. You are socially isolated.

I am honestly not trying to make him sound worse than he is. I'm not saying he will start hitting you -- maybe he will, maybe he won't. I don't think you're necessarily needy or dependent, how can I, I don't know you!

I do think you must have very low expectations to accept the kind of behaviour you have told us about, and a sort of simplistic outlook that 'love conquers all'. You also seem very passive about your life, as if it is something that happens to you rather than something you can control and direct. Do you want to have a child with this man? If so, then you should think about getting married and/or moving in together and saving up some money, not just waiting to see if it happens because you can't be bothered to use contraception. (BTW am NOT suggesting you have a child with this man)

I'm sorry to say such things, I honestly don't want to argue with you, but I think you are not seeing how abnormal and controlling this man is and it will end up making you deeply unhappy.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 13/07/2011 12:51

Who needs friends anyway.

No.. no fear about that i don't think 'love conquers all' far from it.

I am engaged too him and we are moving into together and i have money saved and it isn't because i can't be bothered to use anything, i want another baby if i can,not exactly getting any younger.

I'm not deeply unhappy, i'm fine..i just wanted your advice on the job because i didn't know what too do and if i was being unreasonable seen as it makes him uncomfortable.

OP posts: