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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 15/07/2011 18:14

OP you keep saying it isn't as bad as it sounds, and it was bugging me, and I didn't know why until just now. It reminds me a lot of the way I was with XP, and looking back, the stuff I was posting (or afraid to post) was the truth, I wasn't embellishing it, it was as bad as it sounded. It wasn't the telling of it which was off, it was my own perception of it. I was just kidding myself that things were okay really, because the alternative was too scary.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 01:51

*THE OP WAS ME**
This went on for another 3 years
It DID get worse
Yes he was violent
No I didn't have kids with him
Or move in with him
He would leave and return last time he cheated and left without return which was a relief but year or so after he'd pop up to make sure I hadn't for forgot he was stalking me so I'd be weary about having a life.
He was a narcissist.

In the end...

For 6 years after... I was on antidepressants I had panic attacks I do not trust men
I have not had a relationship at all since
It really affected me and I'll never be the same person I was before.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 04:16

Anyone in a abusive relationship please don't waste years on abusers. They won't change they will push and push and push until you see them for what they really are. I put up with this for 4 years up until the last year that's when the fog started to clear....I started to see him for what he was. I read up on abusive relationships and realised he fell into the narcissist category up until then I was scared to leave him (i didn't he left me but I'd planned it after being told how to get rid of a narc - which luckily worked) I knew he was going round saying things to everyone we knew and I was scared I'd be left with no one,in the end I realised being free from him was a reward and I could do without people. I started to annalize everything he done from his smirks when I was upset from he trying to make out I was crazy and him making me walk home bare foot in the snow because he'd brought me the boots on my feet because I hadn't done as I was told so he wanted them back...him taking my money telling me I owed it him(which I didn't) I could go on but I'll stop there, funny thing is he was cheating on me!!! And I thank God that woman helped me(not on purpose
obviously I'm so grateful to her). Honestly being free is like really being freed from prison it's such a relief I can't explain the feeling.

Nancydrawn · 22/10/2020 04:42

I'm so sorry, OP. I think it's really brave of you to come back.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 04:51

@Nancydrawn

I'm so sorry, OP. I think it's really brave of you to come back.
Thank you. I spotted this by chance I'd actually forgotten I'd posted. I was such an idiot my posts were all over the place but felt like I needed to update just incase anyone else is going through similar.
Thatnameistaken · 22/10/2020 06:35

Im so glad you got out, and i hope your experience can help others who find themselves in that suffocating situation Flowers

Arrivederla · 22/10/2020 06:41

Thank you for letting us know what happened op. I hope your life is much easier now. Flowers

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 11:37

@Thatnameistaken

Im so glad you got out, and i hope your experience can help others who find themselves in that suffocating situation Flowers
Thank you.
Orkneys · 22/10/2020 11:38

@Arrivederla

Thank you for letting us know what happened op. I hope your life is much easier now. Flowers
Thank you.
ignoringthechoc · 22/10/2020 14:00

Well done, took me longer to realise what was going on and things got very violent before I left.
So easy to see the controlling behaviour when you look back but really hard to identify when you are in it as they mess with your mind. I also think it's great you updated and hope it helps others, enjoy your freedom, I am happier now than I have been for a long time.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 14:50

@ignoringthechoc

Well done, took me longer to realise what was going on and things got very violent before I left. So easy to see the controlling behaviour when you look back but really hard to identify when you are in it as they mess with your mind. I also think it's great you updated and hope it helps others, enjoy your freedom, I am happier now than I have been for a long time.
Well done on leaving it is not easy. I had to carefully plan my move and keep one step ahead. I done this for a year. I still annalise everything even now any red flag and I'm off like a shot. I don't tolerate anything from anyone I'm not trusting, I realise the world has evil in it, not everyone that smiles at you is your friend. My personality has changed but I'm free and that's the best feeling in the world.
Orkneys · 22/10/2020 14:54

Couldn't believe this thread was still here.

Inaseagull · 22/10/2020 18:32

Was there anything anyone could have said back then to have convinced you to leave him?

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 19:47

Honestly, probably not. He brainwashed me that this was normal. Now even the thought of him makes my skin crawl. He wrecked my life and my self of esteem among other things. What also helped was people in real seeing what he was like and telling me it wasn't normal I had their backing I think that was really important in me seeing what he was and being able to be strong enough to not care about what he thought about me. The man was pure evil and I don't use that term lightly. I wish I hadnt of buried what my gut was telling me and wasted years. I wish people who are going through this would be able to see into the future, it will only get worse my heart really goes out to them I wish we could make them see but unfortunately they have to see it for themselves before they can escape hell. I assure them life is so much better without the abuser and that is what the abuser is scared of that's why they isolate you so no one can talk sense into you and you are alone they want to keep you small. Abusers are all text book if you think you are being abused please get help you aren't alone.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 19:49

I also find it hard to write and explain myself another after affect of abuse.

Inaseagull · 22/10/2020 20:26

It's really good of you to post your update, this will hopefully help others in a similar situation. I hope you continue to enjoy your freedom and shine 🌟

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 20:48

I hope so. Thank you.

GilbertMarkham · 22/10/2020 21:14

I initially thought you were saying you'vebeeb in a relationship exactly like the op's, but you're the actual op?

Thank you for posting here again.

Your posts reminded me of a man I was in a relationship with, and what I was going to say before I realised how old the (original) thread was, was that people like this (the majority seem to be men) do not change. The chances of them changing and staying changed is just so low that you may as well just assume they will not change.

You are traumatised op, but you have had no children to bind you to him and that is a win. A huge win.

When you said his excuse was that he loved you and was scared to lose you; I recognised it as exactly what my ex said when he wax trying to stop.me from socialising without him (and nitpicking about my every interaction with the opposite sex). And i think about that line from Lundy Bancroft's brilliant book (Why does he do that ..), "that's not love, it's ownership".

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